Royston Vasey and The Monster From Hell - Broadcast (18 Feb 00)
CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Edward Tattsyrup, Stella Hull, Olly
Plimsoles, Judee Levinson,
Benjamin Denton, Vinnie Wythenshaw, Sam Chignell
MARK GATISS Murray Mint, Phil Proctor, Dr.
Matthew Chinnery, Iris Krell, Hilary
Briss, Val Denton, Tony Bell
STEVE PEMBERTON Tubbs Tattsyrup, Charlie Hull, Dave Parkes, Harvey Denton, Reenie Calver, Maurice Evans, Herr Lipp
WITH
ROY “CHUBBY” BROWN
PAUL HAYES-MARSHALL
JOHNNY LEEZE
NIALL ROSS HOGAN
HELEN LAMBERT
JEILLO EDWARDS
JAQUI ROSS
MIKE FLANNAGAN
TIM BEASLEY
IAN RALPH
EDWARD WISEMAN
DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK
WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON
SCENE 1. EXT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
EDWARD IS DRESSED IN A SUIT AND TOP HAT. HE IS DIGGING. HE STOPS FOR A MOMENT, SIGHS, AND PULLS OFF A DEAD FLOWER FROM A WEED AND STICKS IT IN HIS BUTTONHOLE.
SCENE 2. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
TUBBS IS MAKING SOME LAST MINUTE ADJUSTMENTS TO BARBARA’S WEDDING DRESS. SHE IS DRESSED IN A WEDDING OUTFIT AND HAS EARRINGS MADE OF STRING.
BARBARA:
I’ve heard of a shotgun wedding, but this is ridiculous!
TUBBS:
Hold still!
SHE SLAPS BARBARA’S BOTTOM LIKE A NAUGHTY CHILD. THERE IS A BANGING NOISE FROM UPSTAIRS.
BARBARA:
Oh my God, what’s that?
TUBBS:
David must be having trouble with his cufflinks. They’re very fiddly and I haven’t clipped his nails yet.
DAVID ROARS FROM UPSTAIRS.
Now then, that’s the something borrowed…for something new, you’ve got your new hair-do. Over here, we’ve brought you someone old…
SAT ON THE COUNTER IS AN OLD MAN, HIS MOUTH TAPED AND HIS BODY TIED UP.
BARBARA:
Erm, shouldn’t that be SOMETHING old?
TUBBS:
Oh dear, does that mean…?
EDWARD BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR PULLING A DEAD BODY ALONG WITH HIM BY THE ANKLES.
EDWARD:
Here we go, Tubbs! Someone blue!
OPENING TITLES – STELLA HULL WANDERS DOWN THE MAIN ROAD THAT IS A SCENE OF COMPLETE CHAOS. THE ARMY HAVE NOW BEEN CALLED IN, AND JEEPS, TRUCKS AND A SMALL TANK DRIVE ALONG. TROOPS ROUND UP PEDESTRIANS AND USHER THEM BACK INTO THEIR HOMES. HOUSES ARE CORDONED OFF, AND SOME WINDOWS HAVE BEEN COVERED WITH BOARDS MARKED WITH CROSSES. A MAN SITS ON THE PAVEMENT, OBLIVIOUS TO THE PANDEMONIUM. BY HIS FEET IS A SIGN THAT READS ‘PAVEMENT ARTIST – PLEASE GIVE WHAT YOU CAN’. NEXT TO HIM ARE PHOTOGRAPHS AND PAINTINGS OF PAVEMENTS. IN A SHOP CALLED ‘CHAIR NECESSITIES’ THERE IS A BANNER SAYING ‘EMERGENCY SALE – ALL ITEMS SLASHED’. THE CHAIRS IN THE WINDOW HAVE INDEED BEEN CUT TO RIBBONS. A SIGN IN ANOTHER SHOP WINDOW SAYS ‘EARN £££’S LOOTING SHOPS – APPLY WITHIN’.
SOME MEN COME ALONG AND SMASH THE WINDOWS, STEALING ITEMS FROM THE DISPLAY. SOME TROOPS COME ALONG TO INVESTIGATE, BUT RATHER THAN CHASING THE MEN AWAY, THEY JOIN IN THE LOOTING.
SCENE 3. INT. COUNCIL OFFICES. DAY.
FROM THE WINDOW, AN ANGRY CROWD CAN BE SEEN, JEERING THE MAYOR AND CALLING FOR SOMETHING TO BE DONE ABOUT THE CRISIS.
THE MAYOR WALKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW.
MURRAY (V.O):
You’re going to have to talk to them, sir.
MAYOR:
Fuck off!
HIS ASSISTANT, MURRAY MINT AND A POLICE SERGEANT, BOTH SIT IN CHAIRS NEAR THE MAYOR’S DESK.
MURRAY:
People are dying – they want answers.
MAYOR:
Bollocks! Send Juliet Bravo down, I’m staying put.
POLICE SERGEANT:
We’ve had a tip off about who might be behind it. I’m sending two of my best officers to investigate.
MAYOR:
Get these bastards off my back!
MURRAY:
What we need is a little…divertissement.
MAYOR:
What’s she say?
MURRAY:
Somebody to take their minds off it.
HE PICKS UP A PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER.
Alice? Yeah. What was the name of that theatre company who came here last year?
SCENE 4. EXT. STREET. DAY.
THE LEGZ AKIMBO VAN STANDS STATIONARY BEHIND AN ARMY BARRICADE. OLLY PLIMSOLES IS TRYING TO GET THE TROOPS TO LET THEM THROUGH.
OLLY:
Legz Akimbo? We’re actors! We demand to be let through! Oh…just drive into them, Dave. They can’t stop theatre!
SCENE 5. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
DR. CHINNERY WALKS ALONG WITH A MAGNIFICENT BIRD OF PREY ON HIS ARM.
DR. CHINNERY:
Good girl, Heinz. Well done…ready for the off, eh?
JOHN, A YOUNG BOY, IS STANDING WAITING TO SEE THE BIRD BE RELEASED INTO THE WILD.
JOHN:
That wing’s fixed up nicely, ain’t it, veterinary?
DR. CHINNERY:
Yes, any voles or mice out there in the field had better watch out. She’s as right as ninepence! Now I know you two have become rather attached, John…I think it’s only fitting that you be the one to give Heinz her freedom.
HE HANDS THE BIRD TO JOHN.
Now I’ve given her an extra long leash, a bit longer than regulations allow, but I thought we’d let her get the feel of the wind beneath her wings before we let her go. I’ll just call the sanctuary, get the all clear for the release.
HE WALKS AWAY A FEW STEPS AND DIALS A NUMBER ON HIS MOBILE.
JOHN:
Well, this is it, lass. I’m going to miss you…you’ve been a right good friend.
DR. CHINNERY:
Hello, Jean? No, it’s all going swimmingly.
JOHN TAKES THE BIRD’S HOOD OFF AND LETS IT FLY, STILL HOLDING IT’S LEASH.
Well, he’s here. Do you want a word?
WE HEAR BUT DO NOT SEE WHAT HAS MADE A LOUD CRACKLING NOISE. DR. CHINNERY LOOKS ROUND IN SURPRISE AND SEES THE BIRD HAS LANDED ON AN ELECTRICAL PYLON AND HAS BEEN SET ON FIRE. HE STARES AT IT IN HORROR. STILL HOLDING THE END OF THE LEASH, SMOKE IS BILLOWING FROM JOHN, WHO HAS BEEN BLACKENED BY THE ELECTRICAL SHOCK HE RECIEVED.
What? Yes…yes, I think we will have trouble separating them…
DR. CHINNERY DROPS THE PHONE AND HURRIES OFF.
SCENE 6. INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY.
IRIS IS CHECKING HER MAKE UP ON THE TILL. JUDEE LEVINSON COMES UP TO HER.
JUDEE:
Iris? Iris!
IRIS:
Oh, hello Mrs Levinson. What a lovely surprise!
JUDEE:
Yes, I wouldn’t normally come in here as you know, but I wanted to remind you to come round and wash the bedding this afternoon?
IRIS:
Yes, Mrs L.
JUDEE CHECKS A SHOPPING LIST.
JUDEE:
Now, do you have retsina, Iris?
IRIS:
No, I’m just tired.
JUDEE:
Well never mind. I just popped in for a few essentials.
SHE LIFTS A BASKET OF SPIRITS AND LIQUERS ONTO THE CONVEYOR BELT.
My cabinet’s become oddly depleted of late. Not the usual stuff, mind, rather the stuff at the back. Cooking sherry, banana bols, even that bottle of Advocaat that Eddy brought from holiday.
IRIS:
No?
JUDEE:
It’s a shame not everybody is as discerning in their drinking habits as Eddy and I.
IRIS:
Don’t know what you mean, Mrs Levinson!
JUDEE:
Oh, I’ve seen some of the people on your estate, staggering around the car park of the Chained Bull Saturday afternoon, half cut with the backs of their skirts tucked in their knickers.
IRIS:
Well, girls just want to have fun!
JUDEE:
Of course, it’s a slippery slope from there, isn’t it? Diamond White for breakfast, making a pass at your son’s best friend, waking up in a strange bed with a lorry driver from Wetherby…
IRIS:
Halifax!
JUDEE:
Before you know it you’re slumped by the war memorial in a pool of your own pee, singing “Lady Marmalade” at the top of your voice, never thinking your employer might be driving past on her way to the sauna.
IRIS:
£32.50, please.
JUDEE:
And you won’t forget to hang the bedding out, will you, Iris? Three sheets to the wind is your speciality.
IRIS:
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
SCENE 7. EXT. STREET. DAY.
A MANIC CROWD SCRAMBLE TO BE SERVED AT THE NIBBLE BOX SANDWICH STALL, NOW ALL ADDICTED TO THE SPECIAL STUFF THAT EUNICE HAS BEEN ADDING TO THE SANDWICHES.
SCENE 8. INT. HILARY BRISS’ BEDROOM. DAY.
A GRAMAPHONE PLAYS A MAHLER SYMPHONY. HILARY IS SHAVING HIS HAIR, AND TALKING TO SOMEONE AS HE LOOKS IN THE MIRROR. ALL THE TIME WE HEAR THE SOUND OF SHOUTING FROM OUTSIDE.
HILARY:
You must understand. My feelings for you haven’t changed since the day we met. But I can’t stay.
HE CROSSES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS DOWN TO THE STREET BELOW. TROOPS AND MEDICAL STAFF ARE TRYING TO RELIEVE SOME OF THE CHAOS BY THE SANDWICH STAND.
Not now…you’ll be alright, won’t you?
IN THE BED, WE SEE A SLIGHT MOVEMENT UNDER THE COVERS.
SCENE 9. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
THE DOOR HANDLE AND LOCK TO BENJAMIN’S BEDROOM HAS BEEN WRECKED.
VAL:
He’s gone!
HARVEY:
This lock’s been forced!
VAL:
We must find him, Harvey!
HARVEY:
He can’t have gone far. I’m sure that…oh!
THEY BOTH FREEZE IN SHOCK AND FEAR AS THEY SEE THAT THE PICTURES HANGING ON THE WALL GOING DOWN THE STAIRS ARE ALL HANGING UNEVENLY. HARVEY RUSHES TO THEM AND STRAIGHTENS THEM. HARVEY AND VAL MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN THE STAIRS DOING THIS, UNTIL THEY REACH THE HALL. ON THE HALL CARPET, A LONG TRAIL OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE SUGAR HAS BEEN DROPPED, LEADING TO THE DOWNSTAIRS TOILET.
VAL:
I don’t like this, Harvey!
HARVEY GRABS A VACUUM CLEANER AND BEGINS HOOVERING THE MESS UP.
No…no!
HARVEY:
I must clean it up, Val! I must!
THEY OPEN A DOOR UNDERNEATH THE STAIRS AND ENTER.
SCENE 10. INT. AMPHIBARIUM. DAY.
HARVEY CONTINUES HOOVERING. AROUND A CORNER, ANOTHER TRAIL OF RUBBISH AND LITTER HAS BEEN LEFT.
HARVEY:
What fresh hell is this?
THEY FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF LITTER UNTIL THEY ARE BOTH STANDING IN A LARGE TANK, BIG ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF THEM TO STAND COMFORTABLY. BENJAMIN ENTERS CARRYING A TOAD INSIDE A FOOD BLENDER.
BENJAMIN:
Good afternoon.
VAL:
Benjamin!
HARVEY:
What are you doing?
BENJAMIN:
I might ask you the same question!
HARVEY:
Give that to me!
HE GOES TO EXIT THE TANK.
BENJAMIN:
Ah, ah, ah…
HE PLACES A HAND ON THE SWITCH FOR THE BLENDER. HARVEY AND VAL STOP.
HARVEY:
Damn! Hoist by my own pet toad!
VAL:
Benjamin, why are you doing this?
BENJAMIN:
Your plan to keep me here as some kind of pet!
HARVEY:
Where’s your evidence?
BENJAMIN PULLS OUT A NOTE PAD WITH THE WORDS ‘MY PLAN TO KEEP BENJAMIN HERE AS SOME KIND OF PET – BY HARVEY DENTON’.
VAL:
Is this true, Harvey?
HARVEY:
The boy would have been happy here! He has everything a growing boy requires…
HARVEY LIFTS A LARGE BOWL OF MAGGOTS.
BENJAMIN:
You’re insane! And I’ve got you just where I want you…
WE HEAR A GUN BEING COCKED, AND SEE CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE HAVE ENTERED BEHIND BENJAMIN. THE GIRLS BOTH HOLD THE GUN AT HIM.
GIRLS:
Don’t move, Benjamin – or you’re a dead man!
HARVEY AND VAL SMILE IN A ‘WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW’ WAY AT BENJAMIN.
SCENE 11. EXT. STREET. DAY.
A GANG OF LOOTERS ARE CHASED BY SOME TROOPS, WHO IN TURN, ARE BEING CHASED BY THE FOUR ESCAPED PATIENTS FROM THE HOSPITAL. THEY RUN PAST THE CHARITY SHOP.
REENIE (V.O):
All clear upstairs, dear?
VINNIE (V.O)
All clear. All locked up.
SCENE 12. INT. CHARITY SHOP. DAY.
REENIE AND VINNIE ARE GETTING READY TO CLOSE THE SHOP FOR THE DAY.
REENIE:
When are you next in, dear? Thursday?
VINNIE:
No, I don’t do Thursdays.
REENIE:
What’s that? You don’t do Thursdays?
VINNIE:
No, I’m away on Thursdays. That Merrill does Thursdays!
REENIE:
Ooh, not that Merrill?
VINNIE:
She never does the book, you know!
REENIE:
Never does the book?
VINNIE:
No! I’m forever doing the book on Fridays…
REENIE:
That Merill! She was with the Spastics, you know?
VINNIE:
She wasn’t?
REENIE:
Ooh, yes, three years with the Spastics!
VINNIE:
I know – Sue Ryder wouldn’t…
A LADY CUSTOMER ENTERS THE SHOP. REENIE AND VINNIE LOOK AT HER.
REENIE:
Oh no, we’re closed, dear!
VINNIE:
We’re closing uo – it’s too dangerous!
CUSTOMER:
I’ve only come to collect a bag.
REENIE:
When did you buy this bag, dear?
CUSTOMER:
I think it was Thursday.
REENIE:
Thursday?
REENIE/VINNIE:
That Merrill!
REENIE:
The lady that served you, did she have a lazy eye, dear?
VINNIE:
Like an egg? Shrivelled up? Milky?
CUSTOMER:
She might have.
REENIE:
She did!
CUSTOMER:
Well she said she’d keep it behind the counter.
VINNIE:
What? Down here, is it?
REENIE:
You see, we won’t work Thursdays, dear. We’re “ill” on Thursdays…
VINNIE PUTS A BAG ON THE COUNTER.
VINNIE:
Is this it, dear?
CUSTOMER:
Yes! This is the bag!
VINNIE:
Well, I shall have to put it in the book. That Merrill!
REENIE:
I’ll go and fetch you a bag for it, dear.
REENIE GOES TO EXIT. VINNIE OPENS THE BAG AND FINDS A CARRIER INSIDE IT.
VINNIE:
There’s a bag here, dear.
REENIE:
What’s that, dear?
VINNIE:
There’s a bag IN the bag!
REENIE:
It must be that Merrill! She’s put a bag in the bag to take the bag out in.
VINNIE:
Well, will it fit, will it? It makes me sick! She’ll put a bag in the bag but she won’t put the bag in the book!
REENIE:
That Merrill!
CUSTOMER:
I’m not bothered about the bag.
VINNIE:
Well, you’ve paid for it now, dear.
CUSTOMER:
I mean I’ll take the leather bag but I’m not bothered about THIS bag…
SHE INDICATES THE CARRIER BAG.
VINNIE:
Well which bag is it you want, then?
REENIE:
No, dear! She’s bought this bag…
SHE INDICATES THE LEATHER HOLDALL.
But she doesn’t want the bag FOR it!
VINNIE:
Alright, no need to be rude, dear.
REENIE:
I’m not being rude, dear.
VINNIE:
You are!
REENIE:
I’m not!
CUSTOMER:
If you don’t mind I’ll just take this bag.
SHE PICKS UP THE LEATHER BAG.
VINNIE:
Alright, £4 please.
CUSTOMER:
I paid the other lady!
SHE EXITS.
VINNIE:
What, this lady?
SHE POINTS TO REENIE.
Have you got the £4, dear?
REENIE:
Not me, dear! Merrill!
VINNIE:
Ooh, that Merrill! It’s not in the book!
VINNIE STARTS WRITING IN THE BOOK.
REENIE:
Well, just put one leather bag…
VINNIE:
One leather bag…
REENIE:
Thursday…
VINNIE:
Thursday…
REENIE:
£4…
VINNIE:
£4…
REENIE:
That Merrill…
VINNIE:
She makes me sick!
SCENE 13. EXT. STREET. DAY.
TWO POLICE OFFICERS TAKE EUNICE AWAY FROM THE SANDWICH STAND AND PLACE HER IN THE BACK OF A POLICE CAR.
PEDESTRIAN:
Have you found out what it is, yet?
IN THE BACK ALONG SIDE HER SITS INSPECTOR COX, WHO LOOKS ASHAMED AT BEING ARRESTED.
POLICEMAN:
Right, now for the husband.
SCENE 14. INT. MAURICE EVANS’ HOUSE. DAY.
MAURICE AND SAM ARE BURNING PACKETS OF SPECIAL STUFF IN THE FIREPLACE.
POLICE (V.O):
Maurice Evans! Open up! It’s the police!
THE POLICE BREAK THE DOOR DOWN AND POLICE ARMED WITH GUNS WITH LASER SIGHTS ON RUSH IN.
POLICEMAN:
Mr Evans? Go!
THE POLICE WITH THE GUNS RUN OFF INTO THE HOUSE.
Through there!
THEY RUN INTO THE LOUNGE. MAURICE AND SAM TURN ROUND TO FACE THE MARKSMEN. THEY BOTH HAVE NOSEBLEEDS.
SCENE 15. INT. BUTCHERS’ SHOP. DAY.
POLICE BREAK DOWN THE DOOR TO THE BUTCHERS’ SHOP.
POLICEMAN:
Mr Briss!
ARMED POLICE STORM THE SHOP.
Hilary Briss?
SCENE 16. INT. HILARY BRISS’ LOUNGE. DAY.
THE MARKSMEN AND AN OFFICER BURST IN. THE ROOM IS EMPTY.
POLICEMAN:
What about the wife? Go!
SCENE 17. INT. HILARY BRISS’ BEDROOM. DAY.
THE MARKSMEN KICK IN THE DOOR AND RECOIL AT A FOUL SMELL. THEY ENTER THE ROOM, AND SEE THE SHAPE IN THE BED. THERE IS A DRIP HANGING ON A RAIL AT THE SIDE.
POLICEMAN:
Mrs Briss?
HE PULLS BACK THE SHEET AND WE SEE A COW LYING IN THE BED, WITH A SMALL WIG ON IT’S HEAD.
SCENE 17. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
EDWARD IS LEADING PROCEEDINGS, TAKING THE ROLE OF VICAR AT THE “WEDDING”. TUBBS STANDS AT THE SIDE, PLAYING THE HAPPY MOTHER/MOTHER IN LAW.
EDWARD:
Repeat after me…I, Barbara Dixon…
BARBARA:
I, Barbara Dixon…
EDWARD:
Take thee, David Charles Tattsyrup…
BARBARA:
Take thee, Charles…David Tattsyrup…
EDWARD:
To be my local wedded husband.
BARBARA:
To be my local wedded husband.
EDWARD:
To have in the shop…
BARBARA
To have in the shop…
EDWARD:
Forever, and ever, and ever.
BARBARA:
Forever, and ever, and ever.
TUBBS BEGINS TO SOB.
EDWARD:
David…
WE SEE DAVID IS DRESSED IN A TRADITIONAL GROOM’S SUIT, WHICH HAS SPLIT AT THE BACK DUE TO HIS SIZE. DAVID NOW LOOKS LIKE CHEWBACCA.
Repeat after me…I, David Charles Tattsyrup…
DAVID GROWLS AND ROARS AS HE REPEATS WHAT EDWARD HAS SAID.
SCENE 18. INT. COUNCIL HALL. DAY.
AN EMERGENCY AID SHELTER HAS BEEN SET UP, AND PEOPLE SHUFFLE AROUND IN BLANKETS AND SIT ON BENCHES. LEGZ AKIMBO HAVE TAKEN UP PLACE ON STAGE. OLLY STANDS, HIS ARM IN THE AIR, INDICATING HE WANTS SILENCE. NOBODY TAKES ANY NOTICE OF HIM. EVENTUALLY, HE SPEAKS.
OLLY:
I’m waiting for silence?
THE BURBLE OF VOICES STOPS.
Thanks. Good afternoon, we are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company, and we’ve been invited here to cheer you all up a bit, by doing some “community theatre”. Now, what’s community theatre? Well, you lot are the community – or, you were until you all started dying, and we are the theatre. So it’s…community, theatre. And the play we’re going to perform for you today is called “No Home For Johnny”, and it’s for, and about, you lot! Homeless…ness. Phil?
PHIL ADDRESSES THE CROWD.
PHIL:
Yeah. Before we start the play, we’re going to do some hot-seating. This is the hot seat…
HE GRABS A CHAIR AND PLACES IT IN THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE. A WOMAN STARTS COUGHING.
OLLY:
Yeah, sorry. Cougher’s union? Do you want to do that outside? It’s just that we’ve got a contract, and if you speak or you cough, you kind of break that contract…so don’t.
THE WOMAN WHO WAS COUGHING STANDS AND EXITS.
Sorry, Phil.
PHIL:
Yeah, we’re going to do some hot-seating. This is where we plonk a character in the hot seat, and you can ask him all sorts of questions about his life.
PHIL SITS IN THE “HOT SEAT”.
OLLY:
So I’m going to ask Dave to choose a character from the play.
PHIL GETS UP TO ALLOW DAVE TO SIT DOWN.
DAVE:
Great, which one?
OLLY:
Any, they’re all the same.
DAVE:
Olly!
OLLY:
Well, you know, they’re all of a type. Try Hobo Two.
DAVE:
Yeah, I’m Hobo One.
OLLY:
Whatever! In your own time.
DAVE PSYCHES HIMSELF UP BEFORE THROWING HIMSELF INTO CHARACTER, AN ITCHING, WHEEZING, RASPING HOMELESS PERSON.
OLLY:
Any questions?
THERE AREN’T ANY.
Phil?
PHIL:
What’s your name?
DAVE:
Hobo Two…
PHIL:
One!
DAVE:
One…one!
OLLY:
Where do you live?
DAVE:
…Nowhere!
PHIL:
Where do you want to live?
DAVE:
House!
A YOUNG MAN IN THE CROWD PIPES UP WITH A QUESTION.
YOUNG MAN:
Have you thought about, er…putting your name down on a housing list? Or at least contacting the council for shelter schemes?
DAVE, OBVIOUSLY NOT USED TO THE CROWD ASKING QUESTIONS, LOOKS WORRIED. OLLY NOTICES THIS AND INTERVENES.
OLLY:
OK, break it there. Good, Dave.
DAVE GETS UP OUT THE CHAIR.
So you’ve met the actors, the writer, director, producer, founder member of Legz Akimbo – me! And what we’re going to do now is take a short break. I know you’re starving to death, some of you literally…
THE COUGHING WOMAN ENTERS AGAIN AND CONTINUES COUGHING.
…So I’ll let you get your free soup and we’ll be back later with our new play “No Home For Johnny” –
OLLY NOTICES THE WOMAN HAS COME BACK.
Oh, drop dead!
SCENE 19. INT. AMPHIBARIUM. DAY.
THE GIRLS STILL HAVE BENJAMIN AT GUNPOINT. RADCLIFFE HOLDS THE GUN, WHILE CHLOE HOLDS THE BLENDER WITH THE TOAD INSIDE. HARVEY AND VAL STAND IN THE TANK.
RADCLIFFE:
Go, Benjamin.
CHLOE:
Leave us in peace.
RADCLIFFE POINTS TO THE DOOR WITH THE GUN. BENJAMIN EDGES PAST THEM AND TURNS TO HARVEY AND VAL.
BENJAMIN:
Thanks for having me!
GIRLS:
Go!
BENJAMIN EXITS.
HARVEY:
Well done, girls!
VAL:
You saved us!
RADCLIFFE:
May I ask you a question?
SHE NOW HAS THE GUN POINTING AT THEM.
HARVEY:
Of course!
RADCLIFFE:
What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?
HARVEY:
Why, a frog in a liquidiser!
CHLOE:
Wrong! A toad…
CHLOE FLIPS THE SWITCH AND THE TOAD IS ANNIHILATED. HARVEY AND VAL SHOUT IN SHOCK. RADCLIFEE KICKS THE DOOR OF THE TANK SHUT, AND CHLOE TIGHTENS THE AIRTIGHT SEAL. HARVEY AND VAL BANG ON THE DOOR AS THEIR OXYGEN RUNS OUT. THE GIRLS SMILE AT EACH OTHER EVILLY AND WALK OFF.
IN THE LOUNGE, THE GIRLS SIT DOWN AND HOLD HANDS, MOCKING THEIR PARENTS.
SCENE 20. EXT. STREET. DAY.
LOOTERS RUN PAST STELLA AND CHARLIE’S HOUSE, SHOUTING. STELLA COMES TO THE WINDOW AND RAPS ON IT.
STELLA:
Piss off, you set of bastards!
SCENE 21. INT. STELLA AND CHARLIE’S HOUSE. DAY.
STELLA WALKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW AND SITS DOWN. SHE JOINS CHARLIE OVER AT A DESK.
CHARLIE:
You’re keeping Tony waiting!
STELLA:
Alright, I’m coming!
CHARLIE:
Yeah, well he’s your frigging son in law!
STELLA:
Not yet, he isn’t.
CHARLIE CROSSES TO THE SOFA AND SITS DOWN, HANDING TONY A BEER. THEY ARE PLAYING TRIVIAL PURSUITS.
CHARLIE:
Alright, Tony?
TONY:
Cheers.
CHARLIE:
So, I believe you went to see our Julie today?
TONY:
Yeah, she’s a lot better. They reckon she could be home by the end of this week.
STELLA:
Alright, Tony? Whose go is it?
TONY:
I think it’s Charlie’s turn to ask us a question.
STELLA:
Come on, Charlie. Get on with it! Should have brought his glasses!
CHARLIE:
I’m not the one that needs glasses, Tony! She’s the one that needs glasses!
STELLA:
Right, getting married to him I must have been blind, eh, Tony?
SHE LAUGHS. CHARLIE IMPERSONATES HER WITH A WHINGY, GIRLY LAUGH.
CHARLIE:
Right, yellow. Ancient history…
STELLA:
Charlie!
CHARLIE:
What is the world’s oldest known vegetable?
STELLA:
Oh, that IS Charlie!
CHARLIE:
No, the answer is the potato. My go…
STELLA:
No hang on we haven’t answered yet…
CHARLIE:
One, two, three…pink, please.
STELLA:
No, cheat. Don’t play with him, referee!
CHARLIE:
She said the answer, referee!
STELLA:
Oh, he can’t stand it ‘cos we’re winning him.
TONY:
Pink?
CHARLIE:
Yeah.
TONY:
Who is known as…?
STELLA:
Is this for a little bit of pie?
CHARLIE:
It’s cheese!
STELLA:
It’s pie!
CHARLIE:
It’s cheese, Stella!
STELLA:
Is it cheese or pie, referee?
TONY:
It’s just an ordinary question.
CHARLIE:
Well come on, then.
TONY:
Who is better known as “The Little Tramp”?
CHARLIE’S EYES FLICK TO STELLA.
STELLA:
Don’t you dare, Charlie.
CHARLIE:
Ooh, crimes. I know this one and all…
STELLA:
Five…four…
CHARLIE:
No, shut up!
STELLA:
Three…two…one!
CHARLIE:
No, shut up!
STELLA:
Time up!
CHARLIE:
No…the answer is…Charlie Chaplin!
STELLA:
Er, no. Fatima Whitbread.
CHARLIE:
That’s orange, you blind bitch.
STELLA;
Yeah well, I haven’t got my glasses on!
CHARLIE:
I thought you didn’t NEED glasses?
STELLA:
No, Charlie, it’s YOU I don’t need. Come on, Tony, if we get this right we get another little bit of pie.
CHARLIE:
Ooh, I’d best make it really hard, then!
STELLA:
Where have I heard that, before?
CHARLIE GIVES HER A LOOK.
Look, all the blood’s rushed to his head.
CHARLIE:
Stella…
STELLA:
Only place it does rush to these days.
CHARLIE:
Alright! Here’s your question then, YOU STUPID TWAT!
TONY:
Charlie!
CHARLIE:
It’s alright, Tony. She knows what she’s doing!
TONY:
It’s only a bloody game!
STELLA:
Yeah, like being married to him – Trivial Pursuits!
CHARLIE:
Do you want your question, Stella?
STELLA:
Is it for pie?
CHARLIE:
No, it’s for me!
STELLA:
Tell him yes, referee.
TONY SIGHS.
TONY:
Yes…
CHARLIE:
Stella…do you still love me?
STELLA:
Oh, that’s too easy, Charlie. Ask me another!
TONY:
Oh, I’ve had enough of this!
TONY GETS UP TO LEAVE.
STELLA:
No, we haven’t won him, yet. He wants to ask me a question!
CHARLIE:
Don’t, Stella!
CHARLIE STANDS AS WELL.
STELLA:
Why don’t you ask me? Ask me! Alright, I’ll ask it myself! Stella, have you slept with other men?
CHARLIE TURNS AND LOOKS AT HER.
I can’t answer that one, Charlie. Ask Tony, he might know the answer to that one. Ask Tony!
CHARLIE LOOKS AT TONY, WHO TURNS AROUND TO FACE HIM, FULL OF GUILT.
Five, four, three, two, one! We win! I hate this game!
CHARLIE:
We still play it though, don’t we, Stella?
TONY:
Charlie, I…
CHARLIE:
Get out!
TONY EXITS.
So…was it him then?
STELLA:
Who?
CHARLIE SUDDENLY LIGHTENS UP.
Charlie Chaplin?
STELLA:
Oh…yeah!
CHARLIE:
Yes!
HE PUNCHES THE AIR.
SCENE 22. EXT. JUSTIN’S HOUSE. DAY.
HERR LIPP WALKS TO THE DRIVEWAY WITH JUSTIN’S MUM.
MRS SMART:
So…all set for the off?
HERR LIPP:
Ja, ja…
MRS SMART:
I’m sorry Justin isn’t here to say goodbye, I don’t know where he’s got to.
HERR LIPP:
Oh, that’s alright. I was just the same in my teens ages. Boys will be boys!
HE CHUCKLES CAMPLY.
MRS SMART:
Yes, well. I’ll just try and phone the council. Make sure the roads are all clear.
HERR LIPP:
Alles klar. I’ll wait here, ja? Ja…
HE CROSSES TO A FLOWERBED NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE DRIVEWAY. WE HEAR HEAVY BREATHING, AND SEE A SNORKEL TUBE POKING UP THROUGH THE SOIL. A SMALL BALL RISES AND FALLS WITH EACH BREATH. WE PRESUME HERR LIPP HAS BURIED JUSTIN HERE.
See you next year, Justin! Tchus!
HERR LIPP KISSES HIS FINGER AND CARESSES THE TOP OF THE TUBE.
SCENE 23. INT. JUDEE LEVINSON’S HOUSE. DAY.
IRIS IS SCRUBBING THE TOILET. JUDEE LOOKS THROUGH A SMALL BASKET OF SOAPS.
JUDEE:
I love my little soaps, Iris. Eden Au Lac, Montreaux…the Inn in Mystic, the Dan in Haifa…Do you ever collect souvenirs of your travels?
IRIS:
Well I once nicked some fanny rag bags from Primrose Valley.
JUDEE:
Just keeping them in this little basket reminds me of all the pleasures that Eddy and I have had from holidays over the years. Of course if your Ron hadn’t spent so much time at Her Majesty’s pleasure, you may have put away a bit more yourself. Stealing knickers from wash baskets?
IRIS:
It were a mix-up at the laundry.
JUDEE:
Remember when your mum needed help being put to bed? No-one expected Ron to jump in after her!
IRIS:
He said he just wanted a cuddle!
JUDEE:
He’s not a sophisticated man, you must admit? He looks like a shaved monkey!
IRIS:
Mrs Levinson…!
JUDEE:
I always imagine him in a cage, swinging in a tyre, chucking shit at the wall!
IRIS LOOKS UP AT HER.
IRIS:
At least my husband’s still alive…!
JUDEE:
Take that back!
IRIS:
Yeah, my husband’s alive! Unlike some people’s I could mention.
JUDEE:
Iris!
IRIS:
Mr Eddy Levinson – king of the carpet warehouses! Bought up one desanctified church too many, didn’t he?
JUDEE:
Iris, don’t!
IRIS:
Bankrupt…health ruined…dead of an heart attack at forty two…
SHE PUNCHES THE BASKET OF SOAPS FROM JUDEE’S HANDS. IRIS ADVANCES ON HER.
JUDEE:
You’re not playing fair!
IRIS:
Pretending he’s still down the warehouse when he’s been stiff nearly twenty years?
SHE LAUGHS.
Foreign holidays? You check in at the Royston Vasey Stakis for a fortnight! Your bikini’s not seen the light of day since the Winter of Discontent!
JUDEE:
Stop it!
SHE RUNS ONTO THE LANDING, SLUMPED OVER THE RAILING. IRIS FOLLOWS HER.
IRIS:
Lording it over all and sundry! Thinking your summat when you’re nowt!
SHE THROWS DOWN HER TOILET BRUSH.
You deluded, dried up old WITCH! With hot flushes, and nothing but a buzzing Phillips Ladyshave between your legs to keep you company on a cold Winter’s night!
JUDEE NOW SOBS.
I pity you, lady!
IRIS STANDS BACK WITH HER ARMS FOLDED.
JUDEE:
Where does this leave us?
IRIS:
Three all, I think!
JUDEE TURNS AROUND TO FACE HER.
JUDEE;
Oh Mum!
SHE CUDDLES IRIS.
IRIS:
Shhhhh! There, there, flower…
SCENE 24. INT. COUNCIL HALL. DAY.
DAVE AND OLLY STAND BACKSTAGE, WHILE PHIL STARTS THE PLAY.
DAVE:
I’m not sure this is a good idea, Olly!
OLLY:
The Mayor’s in…looks like he’s enjoying it.
WE SEE THE MAYOR AND MURRAY MINT SAT IN THE FRONT ROW. MURRAY IS LOVING IT, BUT THE MAYOR IS ANYTHING BUT.
DAVE:
This play’s aimed at primary school children!
OLLY:
There’s no age limit on dealing with ISSUES, Dave!
PHIL IS PERFORMING A MONOLOGUE ON STAGE. HE DOES IT WITH A BROAD GEORDIE ACCENT.
PHIL:
Me mummy and daddy died when I was a little boy, so I had to go and live with my bad uncle. He used to come home and burn the soles of my feet with cigarettes. One day I decided enough was enough, so I ran away to London!
OLLY AND DAVE EMERGE FROM BACKSTAGE. OLLY HAS A SET OF PAINTED TRAFFIC LIGHTS AROUND HIS NECK, DAVE HAS A LONDON UNDERGROUND SIGN AROUND HIS. TOGETHER, THEY SING A RHYME TO REPRESENT LONDON.
DAVE/OLLY:
Ding, ding! Parp, parp! Stand clear of the doors, please! Ding, ding! Parp, parp! Mind the gap!
Ding, ding! Parp, parp! Stand clear of the doors, please! Ding, ding! Parp, parp! Mind the gap!
DAVE:
Taxi!
OLLY:
Stop, thief!
DAVE:
Haven’t got time!
OLLY:
I don’t have change!
PHIL:
Very soon I found myself dossing on the streets and in shop doorways. It’s not a bad life, but you certainly get to know who your friends are – most of mine are dead!
DAVE TURNS AROUND WEARING A STEREOTYPICAL HIGH CLASS MAN’S HAT.
DAVE:
I don’t give money to the homeless! They only spend it on drugs and alcohol!
PHIL:
We get this a lot. I don’t take drugs, and I only have a drink at New Year – though I don’t know what I’m supposed to be celebrating!
DAVE PASSES THE HAT TO OLLY WHO PUTS IT ON AND TURNS AROUND.
OLLY:
I saw a programme that said 99% of homeless people enjoy it on the streets, prefer life like that.
PHIL:
I don’t know what kind of programmes you’ve been watching, mate. But I know where I’d rather be at night, tucked up in a warm bed with a mug of hot chocolate. Not freezing on a park bench with just a newspaper to keep us warm. Come winter…
DAVE TURNS AROUND WEARING AN EVIL LOOKING “ICE” MASK. HE MAKES WIND NOISES. OLLY THROWS PAPER OVER PHIL TO ACT AS SNOW.
…you ask any homeless person. No-one wants to be on the streets.
THE MAYOR LEANS OVER TO MURRAY.
MAYOR:
You’re fired!
MURRAY NODS, AS IF HE WAS EXPECTING THIS.
DAVE AND OLLY ARE NOW ACTING AS TWO HOMELESS PEOPLE. OLLY HAS A HAT WITH SOME LEAVES ON IT, AND HOLDS A BOTTLE. DAVE HAS A HOLDALL ON A STICK.
DAVE:
Oh come on, I ain’t had a smoke in ages – or food!
OLLY:
That’s normal. Sometimes we get found dead of starvation – nobody cares!
DAVE:
People need to see the magnitude of the problem – give us a swig?
OLLY:
Leave me alone!
THE MAYOR WHISPERS TO MURRAY.
MAYOR:
I’m leaving before this place turns ugly.
OLLY/DAVE/PHIL:
Spare…any change, please?
AS THE MAYOR GOES TO LEAVE, SOMEONE SEES HIM.
MAN (V.O):
There he is! Get him!
THE MAYOR RUNS OUT THE HALL, A CROWD OF ANGRY PEOPLE FOLLOWING HIM.
OLLY:
Watch those costumes, they’ve got to go back tomorrow! Oh, thanks!
SCENE 25. EXT. BACK OF COUNCIL HALL. DAY.
THE MAYOR EXITS AND LEANS AGAINST A WALL, CATCHING HIS BREATH. THE ANGRY CROWD RUN ROUND THE CORNER AND TRAP HIM. HE CLIMBS ON A BOX SO HE IS VISIBLE TO EVERYONE AND CALMS THEM.
MAN:
Yeah, I’ll give you a nosebleed, pal!
THERE IS MORE UPROAR OVER MENTION OF THE NOSEBLEEDS.
MAYOR:
Please! Please! I will not lie to you. In all honesty – in the sight of God! This epidemic is over! There are no more, I repeat, no more nosebleeds…
HE SNIFFS AS BLOOD BEGINS TO SEEP DOWN HIS FACE. THE CROWD BACK AWAY AS THE TORRENT OF BLOOD GETS WORSE. THE MAYOR FALLS FROM HIS PERCH, COLLAPSING ON THE FLOOR.
MAYOR:
Bastard…
BLOOD PUMPS FROM HIS NOSE AS HE LIES THERE, QUITE DEAD. THE CROWD RUN OFF, SHOUTING, CONFUSED AND SCARED. THEY PILE ONTO THE MAIN ROAD, CLAMBERING THROUGH THE SECURITY TAPE, AND TROOPS FIGHT TO RESTRAIN THEM. CAUGHT UP IN THE CHAOS IS BENJAMIN, WHO HAS JUST LEFT THE DENTON’S HOUSE.
BENJAMIN:
What’s going on?
MAN:
The Mayor, he is dead!
BENJAMIN:
How?
WOMAN:
Nosebleed!
BENJAMIN:
You can’t die from a nosebleed! I don’t understand!
MAN:
The epidemic! Where have you been?
BENJAMIN:
Wait!
BENJAMIN STOPS AND PULLS OUT A SNOWSTORM THAT HE GOT FROM THE LOCAL SHOP. HE HAS A FLASHBACK FROM WHEN HE WAS CAPTURED BY TUBBS AND EDWARD, THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO HIM IN THE SHOP, AND HIS SUBSEQUENT ESCAPE.
Oh my God!
HE LOOKS UP TO THE MOORS AND SEES THE LOCAL SHOP.
There it is!
SCENE 26. INT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.
EDWARD TAKES THE TAPE OFF THE “SOMEONE OLD” MAN’S MOUTH AND LEADS HIM TO THE DOOR.
EDWARD:
Thank you very much, most kind. Goodbye!
THE OLD MAN EXITS.
TUBBS IS LISTENING AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS.
TUBBS:
It’s all gone very quiet, Edward. I wonder how they’re getting on?
EDWARD:
Oh, come away, Tubbs. Leave the young couple in peace. Nature will take it’s course!
TUBBS:
Well, no one touched any of the dips!
SHE DABS HER FINGER INTO ONE OF MANY FAECES LAID OUT ON THE COUNTER AND LICKS IT OFF.
EDWARD:
Well…in the excitement of the honeymoon, a man has an appetite for things other than food!
TUBBS:
Do you remember our wedding night, Edward?
EDWARD:
Yes…we closed the shop, danced naked in the moonlight, and you gave me one of those…what was it called?
TUBBS:
Precious thing?
EDWARD:
Yes. And you know what thing has been most precious to me, don’t you?
TUBBS:
Yes…the shop.
EDWARD:
Yes.
SCENE 27. EXT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.
THE ANGRY MOB OF RESIDENTS, LED BY BENJAMIN, STORM THE SHOP AND STAND, SHOUTING, ANGRILY OUTSIDE.
SCENE 28. INT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.
WE HEAR THE CROWD APPROACHING OUTSIDE.
TUBBS:
I hope David and Barbara will be as happy as we have been.
EDWARD:
Well, it’s their shop now.
A ROCK CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE SHOP.
EDWARD:
What the…?
OUTSIDE, THE CROWD SHOUT FOR THE SHOP TO BE BURNT. FROM THE UPSTAIRS, WINDOW, BARBARA POKES HER HEAD OUT, STILL DRESSED IN THE WEDDING DRESS.
BARBARA:
What’s going on? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!
BENJAMIN SPOTS HER.
BENJAMIN:
Barbara! Come down, its dangerous!
BARBARA:
Eh? What are you talking about?
MAN:
They’re the ones who’ve been poisoning us!
BENJAMIN:
What?
MAN:
Don’t touch his meat!
WE REALISE THAT THE CROWD THINK BENJAMIN WAS LEADING THEM TO THE CULPRIT WHO HAD BEEN CAUSING THE NOSEBLEEDS.
BARBARA:
It’s a bit late for that! Hang on, I’m coming down!
TUBBS:
What do they want with us?
EDWARD:
I don’t know, Tubbs!
TUBBS GOES TO THE BROKEN WINDOW.
TUBBS:
The sale doesn’t start until Wednesday!
THE CROWD SEEM MORE INTENT ON BURNING THE SHOP THAN EVER.
CROWD:
Murderers! Murderers!
BARBARA ENTERS THE MAIN SHOP FROM UPSTAIRS.
EDWARD:
Barbara! Who are these people?
BARBARA:
Don’t worry, just a bit of trouble with the locals…
BARBARA EXITS THE SHOP.
What are you lot doing here? What the bloody hell’s going on?
BENJAMIN:
Barbara, are you alright? What’s happened?
BARBARA:
Nothing yet! This is meant to be my honeymoon!
A WOMAN IN THE CROWD SCREAMS AS SHE SEES DAVID COME TO THE WINDOW.
WOMAN:
Ah! What’s that?
WE SEE A CLAW RISE UP TO THE WINDOW.
MAN:
It’s a monster!
BARBARA:
Excuse me! That’s my husband you’re talking about!
MAN:
Burn them! Burn them!
BARBARA:
No! No! Darling!
MEMBERS OF THE MOB THROW THEIR TORCHES AT THE SHOP, SETTING IT ALIGHT.
BARBARA RAISES HER ARMS UP TO DAVID, WHOSE CLAW COLLAPSES SLOWLY FROM SIGHT. BENJAMIN HOLDS BARBARA BACK.
BENJAMIN:
No, Barbara!
INSIDE THE SHOP, TUBBS AND EDWARD LOOK FOR A WAY TO ESCAPE THE FLAMES AND SMOKE. OUTSIDE, BARBARA TRIES ONE LAST TIME TO REACH DAVID.
BARBARA:
Darling, don’t leave me!
BENJAMIN:
It’s too late!
THE SHOP IS NOW WELL AND TRULY ABLAZE.
INSIDE, TUBBS AND EDWARD REALISE THEY ARE TRAPPED.
TUBBS:
Edward, why are they doing this to us?
EDWARD:
I don’t know, Tubbs! We’ve done nothing to them!
TUBBS:
We’ve got to get out!
EDWARD:
No! They’ll tear us to pieces!
TUBBS:
I can I can’t…
EDWARD:
Tubbs!
HE HUGS HER.
We belong…local! Come…
HE TAKES UP A BALLROOM DANCING POSITION. TUBBS JOINS HIM AND THEY WALTZ SLOWLY AROUND THE BURNING SHOP.
TUBBS:
Edward? Will Heaven be like Swansea?
EDWARD:
Yes, Tubbs…only bigger.
RUBBLE FALLS DOWN ON TOP OF THEM AS THE SHOP COLLAPSES.
BENJAMIN HOLDS BACK BARBARA AS THE CROWD SHOUT. SHE PUTS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER, WEEPING AT LOSING DAVID.
SCENE 29. EXT. ROAD OUT OF ROYSTON VASEY. NIGHT.
HERR LIPP’S COACH OF STUDENTS DEPARTS FROM THE TOWN. IN THE DISTANCE, ON TOP OF THE MOORS, WE SEE THE BURNING SHOP.
HERR LIPP (V.O):
Oh look, kinder! A bonfire in Royston Vasey…real good treat!
SCENE 30. EXT. CARIBBEAN BEACH. DAY.
ON A STALL, ALONG WITH WATERMELONS, ARE SOME WHITE PACKETS. HILARY BRISS, NOW BALD AND WEARING A LURID SHIRT, COOKS BURGERS WITH HIS SPECIAL STUFF ON A BARBEQUE. HE PUTS ONE IN A BUN AND GIVES IT TO A CUSTOMER. HE SMILES, THEN TURNS TO CAMERA AND SLOWLY LICKS HIS LIPS.
END CREDITS. |
