Escape From Royston Vasey - Broadcast (15 Feb 99)

CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON

WITH
PATSY MAGUIRE CRAWFORD
LES DOHERTY
THOMAS SHERLOCK
MEGAN AND ROSIE DE WOLFE
RUTH HARROP
MYLES HINDLEY

DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK

WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON

SCENE 1. EXT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.

A MAN STANDS OUTSIDE THE SHOP, LOOKING AT IT. HE ENTERS THE SHOP.

SCENE 2. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.

HE WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER AND PICKS UP A SNOWSTORM, SHAKING IT. HE TURNS TO LOOK AROUND THE SHOP AS TUBBS APPEARS THROUGH THE CURTAIN LEADING TO THE PRIVATE AREA OF THE SHOP.

TUBBS:
Yes?

MAN:
Hi!

TUBBS:
Can I help you at all?

MAN:
Don’t you know who I am?

TUBBS:
This is a local shop for local people. There’s nothing for you here!

MAN:
I’d like to buy the snowstorms…all of them.

TUBBS:
The precious things?

MAN:
Yes. In fact, I’d like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be?

TUBBS TRIES TO WORK IT OUT, BUT CANNOT.

TUBBS:
Well, that’s…seven and twelvety pounds!

SHE SHAKES HER HEAD, UNSURE WHETHER THIS IS A DECENT PRICE. THE MAN APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

MAN:
Would you…put it all on this, please?

HE PLACES A CREDIT CARD ON THE COUNTER. TUBBS STARTS PILING ITEMS ON TOP OF THE CARD. THE MAN CAN’T BELIEVE THIS, AND SHOUTS AT HER.

Look at the name!

TUBBS:
Who are you? Are you local?

MAN:
Yes! It’s me, mum! David?

TUBBS:
David…?

DAVID:
I’m your son!

TUBBS LOOKS AT DAVID, SHELL SHOCKED.
OPENING CREDITS – BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES DOWN THE MAIN ROAD.

FROM POSTBOX:
My next collection’s at 3.30, my last one’s at eight.

A LARGE LORRY GOES DOWN THE ROAD. AN ELDERLY COUPLE KISS PASSIONATELY IN THE STREET. BRIAN MORGAN DROPS SOME CHANGE INTO A COLLECTION TIN HELD BY REVEREND BERNICE WOODALL. SHE PUTS A STICKER ON HIS LAPEL THAT READS ‘BRING BACK THE SLAVE TRADE’ WITH A PICTURE OF A GOLLYWOG ON IT. FROM INSIDE THE LARGE LORRY, A SMALLER, TRANSIT VAN REVERSES OUT. FROM INSIDE THIS EMERGES A BOY ON A TOY TRUCK. HE PICKS UP A SMALL BOX OFF THE FRONT AND WALKS OFF. A SIGN ON A TELEGRAPH POLE READS ‘MISSING – HAVE YOU SEEN OUR WAR MEMORIAL’?

SCENE 3. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.

THERE IS NOW A FRAMED PICTURE OF SONNY AND CHER, THE DECEASED TOADS, ON THE MANTLEPIECE. HARVEY LOOKS AT IT, HOLDING BACK TEARS. HIS EXPRESSION TURNS TO HATRED AS HE LOOKS AT BENJAMIN, WHO IS SAT ON THE SOFA. BENJAMIN RETURNS THE LOOK, AND IS SHOCKED WHEN CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE SEEMINGLY APPEAR BESIDE HIM. VAL ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.

VAL:
Come along girls, you’ll miss the bus to the farm.

GIRLS:
We want Benjamin to come!

BENJAMIN:
Oh, yes…

VAL:
No, he can’t. He doesn’t go on school trips – he’s a grown up. And he and daddy have some grown up things to discuss.

VAL EXITS TO THE HALL WITH THE GIRLS.

HARVEY:
So, Benjamin…we do agree that you have to make amends for this…accident?

BENJAMIN:
Yes.

HARVEY:
And you are quite prepared to do anything that might be required of you?

BENJAMIN:
Yes!

HARVEY:
Very well. If you would care to accompany me to the bathroom…

HE SNAPS ON A RUBBER GLOVE.

…we can begin. Val?

HE OPENS THE LOUNGE DOOR. VAL ENTERS.

Do you have the lubricant?

VAL:
Yes. And the rest.

SHE REVEALS A POT OF VASELINE AND A RUBBER TUBE FROM BEHIND HER BACK.
THEY EXCHANGE A WICKED GLANCE.

SCENE 4. EXT. STREET. DAY.

BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES UP A ROAD.

BARBARA (V.O):
It’s not like you, Geoff, getting a taxi to work.

SCENE 5. INT. BARBARA’S TAXI. DAY.

GEOFF:
Well…I thought I’d treat myself – it’s a special day for me, this.

BARBARA:
Me too. I’m going in for my op. It’s the biggy!

GEOFF:
Oh…are you nervous about it?

BARBARA:
Not really – one little prick and it’ll all be over.

GEOFF:
Oh…

BARBARA:
Yeah. Then they cut my cock off.

GEOFF DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO REACT TO THIS.

SCENE 6. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.

DAVID AND TUBBS SIT IN THE SHOP, TALKING. TUBBS DRINKS FROM A JAR OF PICKLED ONIONS.

DAVID:
Don’t you remember? I went away, to college.

TUBBS:
Local college?

DAVID:
No, London.

TUBBS:
London! Yes, yes, London. You bought me this…

SHE UNDOES HER BLOUSE TO REVEAL A T-SHIRT THAT READS ‘MY SON WENT TO LONDON AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY SHIRT!’.

DAVID:
Look Mum…I wanted to tell you –

JUST THEN, EDWARD ENTERS THE SHOP.

EDWARD:
Hello, hello? What’s all this shouting? We’ll…

HE SEES DAVID. HIS VOICE FALTERS.

…have no trouble, here.

TUBBS:
It’s David! He’s our son!

EDWARD:
He’s no son of mine! Didn’t you see the sign? Strangers are simply not welcome here.

TUBBS:
Edward, do you deny him?

DAVID:
It’s alright, Mum.

EDWARD:
He left the town of his own free will…he’ll return from whence he came.

DAVID:
Dad!

EDWARD:
I trust force will not be necessary?

DAVID:
Dad! Mum…there’s something I have to tell you both.

TUBBS:
Are you gay?

DAVID:
No…when I went away from here I went to college, as you know. And then I set up my own business. It’s a construction company…

EDWARD:
No…

DAVID:
We specialise in…road building.

DAVID HOLDS UP A FOLDER BEARING THE LOGO OF PQ CONSTRUCTION, THE FIRM BUILDING THE ROAD IN ROYSTON VASEY.

EDWARD:
No!

DAVID:
I fought for this contract, Dad!

EDWARD:
Not my son!
DAVID:
I was just trying to bring us closer together!

EDWARD:
By tearing down the local shop?

DAVID:
No! It’s called progress! There’s a whole world out there – there’s nothing to be afraid of! Look, why don’t you come and stay with me in London, just for a weekend?

TUBBS:
Yes! A weekend! Edward, may we, may we, may we?

EDWARD SLAPS TUBBS IN THE FACE.

EDWARD:
Silence!

DAVID IS ANGRY AT THIS. EDWARD WALKS BEHIND DAVID AS HE SPEAKS.

You…should not have come back here.

EDWARD EXITS OUT THE BACK OF THE SHOP. DAVID WALKS OVER TO TUBBS WHO IS NURSING HER FACE.

DAVID:
Listen, Mum. Pack some things, I’m taking you with me.

TUBBS:
No, I can’t!

DAVID:
Dad can’t keep you here against your will. Now look…I have some business to attend to at the site, then I’ll pick you up.

WE SEE EDWARD IS LISTENING IN ON THIS CONVERSATION.

TUBBS:
Yes – come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky…

DAVID:
About seven, then?

TUBBS NODS.

DAVID:
I love you, Mum.

DAVID KISSES TUBBS, THEN EXITS.

TUBBS:
What is…love?

EDWARD MOVES AWAY FROM THE CURTAIN, ANGRY AT WHAT HE HAS HEARD.

SCENE 7. EXT. STREET. DAY.

A WOMAN POSTS A LETTER.

FROM POSTBOX:
Thank you for posting a letter inside me.

SCENE 8. EXT. STREET. DAY.

BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES UP PAST THE JOB CENTRE. AS SHE DRIVES, SHE CLUTCHES A PAIR OF PINK FLUFFY BALLS HANGING FROM THE REAR VIEW MIRROR AND PULLS THEM OFF.

SCENE 9. INT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.

PAULINE DESCENDS THE STAIRS, READY TO START ANOTHER DAY ON THE RESTART COURSE.

PAULINE:
Okey cokey, pig in a pokey! Good morning, job seekers!

MICKEY:
Morning, Pauline!

PAULINE:
Well as I’m sure you’re all aware, today’s a very special day, because we’ve all come to the end of our restart course! Ahh…

ROSS:
Thank God…

PAULINE:
I want to thank you all for being so well-behaved. You’ve been a lovely bunch. I know it’s been hard getting up at 9am six week’s in a row, but it was either that or have your benefit stopped! And let’s face it, job seekers – you all need your beer money don’t you? How would you stagger from one Giro to the next if you weren’t mindless pissed every night? You’d probably all kill yourselves! Hey, that’s a thought – that’d bring the unemployment figures down, wouldn’t it!

NOBODY LAUGHS AT THIS JOKE.

Yeah…I was joking, gents. Right, well as it’s the last day, I thought we’d play a game I’ve invented called ‘Shop A Scrounger’.

MICKEY:
Here, Pauline…

PAULINE:
What’s this, Mickey?

MICKEY:
I’ve brung you a present!

PAULINE:
A present? For me? Why?

MICKEY:
Don’t know…I think I like you!

PAULINE:
Ahh…

SHE UNWRAPS THE PRESENT. IT’S A PEN.

What is it?

MICKEY:
A pen…

PAULINE:
I can see that, but…

SHE INDICATES THE STRING TIED ONTO THE END IN A LOOP. MICKEY STAND UP AND PLACES IT ROUND HER NECK, LIKE A NECKLACE.

MICKEY:
Like Swap Shop.

HE HUGS HER. PAULINE IS TOUCHED BY THIS.

PAULINE:
Thank you, Mickey. I shall treasure this.

ROSS:
Can I have a word with you, Pauline?

PAULINE:
What is it, Ross? What have you brought me, a lump of poison?

ROSS:
No, it’s better than that.

PAULINE:
Well come on then, spit it out. Don’t be so…egregious.

ROSS:
Alright then. Well, I regret to inform you that as of 4pm today you are suspended from the employment service, pending further investigation.

PAULINE:
Oh, piss off!

ROSS:
I work for Social Security, Pauline. Internal Investigations.

HE SHOWS HER HIS IDENTITY CARD.

I’ve been assessing your working practises over the last few weeks, and frankly I’m appalled.

PAULINE:
You what? You work?

MICKEY:
You don’t have to come here if you work, Ross!

ROSS GETS UP, PICKS UP A FILE AND APPROACHES PAULINE.

ROSS:
This is all the evidence I need for your instant dismissal, and believe me, I’m going to push for that.

PAULINE:
What is it?

ROSS:
My report. Use of abusive and threatening language…unprompted violence and physical attacks…

PAULINE STILL WANTS TO BELIEVE THIS IS ALL A BIG JOKE.

PAULINE:
Oh…sit down, Ross! Do you honestly think I’m going to fall for that one?

ROSS PRESSES PLAY ON A DICTAPHONE. WE HEAR PAULINE’S VOICE.

FROM DICTAPHONE:
You work-shy set of bastards…sit up straight, you lazy cunt!

PAULINE:
What was that?

ROSS:
That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.

PAULINE:
It was only a bit of fun!

ROSS:
It’s not a joke, Pauline. You’re finished – I will personally see to it that you never work in the employment service again. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you for your pens back.

PAULINE:
No, Ross! Leave me my pens! Please?

ROSS:
They’re no longer your property.

ROSS GRABS THE SHOEBOX FULL OF PENS, BUT PAULINE HOLDS ONTO THEM, SCATTERING THEM ACROSS THE FLOOR. PAULINE DROPS TO HER KNEES AND FRANTICALLY PICKS THEM UP.

ROSS:
You’ll be hearing from us. This course is finished, everyone!

PAULINE:
Wait…wait, wait!

ROSS HALTS AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS.

You’ll never get away with this, Ross!

ROSS:
Why not? All I have to do is file the report…

PAULINE:
I’m not talking about your report! I wouldn’t wipe my big fat arse on it!

ROSS:
What then?

PAULINE:
You’ve been working AND signing on! And that, job seekers, is a crime! We lose millions a year to people like Ross!

THE MEN IN THE RESTART ALL GET UP TO LEAVE, EXCEPT MICKEY.

If you do any part time work you have to declare it! Well, don’t you see, gents? He’s nothing but a dole cheat!

MICKEY GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO PAULINE.

ROSS:
Maybe, but I’m not unemployed.

PAULINE:
What?

ROSS:
I’m not unemployed…you are!

ROSS EXITS. MICKEY GIVES PAULINE HER PEN BACK AND WALKS OUT SLOWLY.
PAULINE STARTS TO CRY.

SCENE 10. INT. BARN. DAY.

DR. CHINNERY SOAPS UP HIS ARMS IN PREPARATION FOR TREATING AN ANIMAL.

DR. CHINNERY:
Right, everyone. I hope you enjoy your trip to Mr Tinsel’s farm.

WE SEE THAT DR. CHINNERY HAS AN AUDIENCE OF SCHOOL CHILDREN, WHO ARE ON A TRIP. AMONGST THEM ARE CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE DENTON.

Now, what I hope will be the highlight. The chance for us all to witness the first faltering steps of a new life. And this is the star of our show, as it were – Monica the cow. Now poor old Monica has been in labour for almost twelve hours. Now what we mean by that, is the little baby cow has been trying to get out of it’s mummy’s womb.

A GIRL IN THE CROWD PUTS HIS HAND UP.

Yes?

GIRL:
What’s a womb, Mr Chinnery?

DR. CHINNERY:
The womb is a special place inside Monica, where the baby grows. But sometimes the baby needs a little help coming out, and that’s what we’re going to have to do now. So what I have to do is put my hand inside Monica.

THE CHILDREN MAKE DISGUSTED SOUNDS.

And attach this rope around the baby’s hooves. Then we give a great big tug and out will pop the calf. So, here we go.

DR. CHINNERY INSERTS HIS HAND IN THE COW AND FEEDS THE ROPE IN. THE COW MOOS WITH SURPRISE.
BOY:
Urrgh, he stuck his hand up it’s bum.

DR. CHINNERY:
Ha, I know that’s what it looks like, no, I am of course inserting my arm into the…other passage.

BOY:
It is it’s bottom – I saw it lift it’s tail and poo came out of it.

DR. CHINNERY:
No, no, no, no…

CHLOE:
My father knows about these things, Mr Chinnery. It is it’s rectum.

DR. CHINNERY:
No, no…it is tight though…

THE COW NOW MAKES URGENT MOOING SOUNDS.

No wonder it’s a difficult labour! Ah…these feel like the hooves…I’ll just get the rope around them. Now, who would like to come up here and help me pull the baby calf out?

A GIRL IN THE CROWD PUTS HER HAND UP.

GIRL:
I will!

DR. CHINNERY:
OK, what’s your name, love?

GIRL:
Natalie.

NATALIE JOINS DR. CHINNERY BY THE COW.

DR. CHINNERY:
OK, Natalie. Just get hold of that there…

SHE GRABS THE ROPE.

…and we’ll pull together. And…pull!

THE COW MOOS IN PAIN AS NATALIE AND DR. CHINNERY YANK THE ROPE.

DR. CHINNERY:
Pull! Pull!

WITH A WET SLAP, THE COW’S ENTRAILS ARE PULLED OUT OF IT’S RECTUM, ALONG WITH BLOOD THAT POURS ONTO THE FLOOR. THE CHILDREN MAKE MORE DISGUSTED SOUNDS.

There we go…

HE REALISES WHAT HE’S DONE.

RADCLIFFE:
It looks like offal, Mr Chinnery…

DR CHINNERY TRIES TO COVER UP HIS MISTAKE.

DR. CHINNERY:
No, no…that’s just the…birth sack.

CHLOE:
Isn’t that a liver?

DR. CHINNERY:
Oh, Christ. Don’t look, Natalie. Don’t look.

FARMER TINSEL ENTERS THE BARN TO REVIEW PROGRESS.

FARMER TINSEL:
Alright, veterinary? How’s she doing?

DR. CHINNERY:
I’m afraid there have been one or two complications…

THE COW FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEAD. DR. CHINNERY SMILES POLITELY, AS FARMER TINSEL FROWNS AND LOOKS AT HIM FOR AN EXPLANATION.

SCENE 11. EXT. HOSPITAL. DAY.

BARBARA’S TAXI IS PARKED OUTSIDE. SHE HAS ATTACHED A LARGE PAIR OF CARDBOARD SCISSORS TO THE BACK BUMPER. THE AMOUROUS OLD COUPLE WE SAW IN THE OPENING CREDITS ARE STILL KISSING OUTSIDE THE DOORS. A NEWSPAPER STAND SIGN READS ‘MIKE REID’S BREATH STINKS’.

NURSE (V.O):
I just have to run a few tests before the operation…

SCENE 12. INT. HOSPITAL. DAY.

THE NURSE AND BARBARA WALK DOWN A CORRIDOR. BARBARA WEARS A SURGICAL GOWN, BUT THE BACK IS UNDONE, REVEALING HER BOTTOM TO CAMERA.

NURSE:
…just to make sure everything’s in full working order. So if you could just give us a specimen…

THEY STOP OUTSIDE THE TOILETS. THE NURSE GIVES BARBARA A SMALL BOTTLE. BARBARA GOES TO ENTER THE MALE TOILETS. THE NURSE COUGHS LOUDLY, AND POINTS TO THE LADIES’ TOILETS.

BARBARA:
I just want to do it standing up – for old time’s sake.

SCENE 13. INT. CHURCH. DAY.

REVEREND BERNICE WOODALL IS GIVING A SERVICE.

BERNICE:
And He will come and give strength to hands that tremble with weakness and to legs that are lame. The crippled will cast away their crutches, leap and dance, jump up and down in praise of the Lord and receive all the blessings of Heaven! But it doesn’t say they have to have six parking bays at Safeways, does it? They’re always empty. I left the car for five minutes – I only nipped in for a bottle of Taboo.

When I came out the bugger was clamped! I said to the feller: “Would it be different if,I had a stick and a limp?”. Ramps outside libraries…and their toilets are massive! Hymn number 168 – “Glad That I Live Am I”.

SHE SITS DOWN, AND WE HEAR BOTTLES CLINKING.

SCENE 14. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD. NIGHT.

DAVID DRIVES ALONG THE ROAD, BUT SLOWS DOWN WHEN HE SEES A FIGURE STANDING IN THE ROAD. IT IS EDWARD, TRYING TO STOP DAVID FROM LEAVING THE TOWN.

DAVID:
Dad?

DAVID GETS OUT HIS LAND ROVER.

EDWARD:
We need to talk.

SCENE 15. INT. SHEBAB’S RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

MIKE, BRIAN AND GEOFF ARE HAVING A DRINK. BRIAN TALK ANIMATEDLY.

BRIAN:
…And that really set the cat amongst the pigeons, didn’t it? Because the report’s nowhere near ready, but I’ve given a specific date!

MIKE:
Bloody hell!

GEOFF:
Does anyone want another drink?

MIKE:
No thanks, Geoff.

GEOFF:
Brian?

BRIAN:
No thanks, Geoff. So I find myself at this conference…

GEOFF:
Oh give it a rest, Brian!

BRIAN:
Eh?

GEOFF:
Can’t you talk about somethjng else? There are other things to talk about apart from work, you know!

MIKE:
Leave him alone, he’s only telling a story.

GEOFF:
I know but he’s boring though, ain’t he, Mike?

BRIAN:
I’m sorry, Geoff.

GEOFF:
No, carry on, Brian.

BRIAN:
Oh, no.

GEOFF:
No, please. I’m sorry. Carry on.

BRIAN:
Well I find myself at this conference…

GEOFF:
It’s just that…well, today is my birthday.

MIKE:
Oh Geoff, it’s not?

BRIAN:
Oh, happy…happy birthday, mate.

GEOFF:
No, it doesn’t matter.

MIKE:
Why didn’t you tell us?

GEOFF:
Well I have now, haven’t I?

BRIAN:
God, we should have remembered, we were here last year!

GEOFF:
Yeah…and the year before that.

MIKE:
Well, happy birthday, Geoff! How old are you now, 43?

BRIAN:
No! He’s older than that, aren’t you, Geoff?

GEOFF:
Forty. I’m forty.

BRIAN:
Oh…you don’t…look it.

MIKE:
Well, many happy returns! Cheers!

GEOFF:
Thanks. Cheers, Brian.

MIKE AND BRIAN SMILE, THEN GO BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL CONVERSATION.

MIKE:
So go on, Bri. You’re at this conference…

BRIAN:
Yeah. I’m sitting there, and Butler finishes the introductions…

GEOFF:
I brought these hats.

HE PULLS THREE PARTY HATS OUT OF HIS JACKET POCKET.

You don’t have to wear them.

MIKE:
No, no, we will, won’t we?

MIKE:
Which one do you want, Brian, the yellow one, or…?

BRIAN:
Why not?

GEOFF HANDS A HAT TO MIKE AND BRIAN.

GEOFF:
Oh no, don’t bother.

MIKE:
Hey now, get yours on, birthday boy!

GEOFF STANDS.

GEOFF:
Yeah, alright, look, Mike, Brian…

THEY ALL PUT THEIR PARTY HATS ON.

I want to say thanks. Thanks for coming out with me today.

BRIAN:
Oh, it’s no bother, Geoff. We were coming here anyway, weren’t we, Mike?

GEOFF:
I know sometimes I get mad, and…recently I’ve said some stupid things. I can’t help it, it’s the way I am. But I’m older now…

MIKE:
You’re only as old as the woman you feel!

THEY ALL CHUCKLE.

GEOFF:
Alright now, serious, Mike. I’m older now and…well, I’ve made a decision and I’m sticking to it.

BRIAN:
Well I’m glad to hear it, Geoff, because sometimes you can be a right psycho!

MIKE:
Brian! No, that’s very good, that is, Geoff. I want nothing but the best for you. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.

BRIAN:
Yeah, life begins at forty, Geoffrey.

GEOFF:
So they say, so they say. Well, I’ve said my piece and that’s me done. I’m bloody parched. I’m off to the lav – get them drinks in, you!

GEOFF EXITS.

MIKE:
Alright…waiter! You can let them all in now.

MIKE AND BRIAN LAUGH.

I couldn’t keep a straight face!

CHERYL AND ALL MANNER OF OTHER REVELLERS COME IN WITH BANNERS, BALLOONS ETC.

Hiya, Cheryl! Come on, hurry up! Come on…Who’s got banner? Who’s got banner?

BRIAN:
I can’t believe he thinks we’ve forgotten!

MIKE:
I know! Look, poor bugger – he’s brought his own hats!

BRIAN:
He’ll get the shock of his life!

MIKE:
I know…now be quiet, he’s only in the bogs, you know.

BRIAN NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE TABLE.

BRIAN:
What’s that?

MIKE:
Oh, don’t tell me he’s brought his own bloody birthday card as well!

MIKE OPENS THE ENVELOPE.

BRIAN:
What’s it say, Mike?

MIKE’S FACE DROPS AS HE READS THE NOTE.

MIKE:
“I hate you, Mike. Tell Brian I hate him, too. I needed your help. You always knew I had this gun”. Geoff?

MIKE HALF STANDS. WE HEAR A GUNSHOT FROM THE TOILETS.

SCENE 16. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. NIGHT.

HARVEY STANDS WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE.

HARVEY:
Grip the shaft firmly. Yes, nearer the base. Try going round and round rather than up and down.

VAL:
You’re doing very well!

WE SEE BENJAMIN KNEELING DOWN IN FRONT OF HARVEY. FROM HIS POSITION, IT APPEARS HE IS GIVING HIM ORAL SEX. BENJAMIN TURNS, AND WE SEE HE IS ACTUALLY SCRUBBING A CLEANING BRUSH WITH ANOTHER BRUSH.

It’s basic hygiene, Benjamin. The cleaning items themselves must be spick and span.

HARVEY:
A dirty brush is a useless brush!

VAL:
So once you’ve finished with these, if you could turn your attention to the items with which you’ve been cleaning…

BENJAMIN:
What about them?

VAL:
Well they need cleaning too.

BENJAMIN:
And what am I supposed to clean them with?

HARVEY:
These.

HE OPENS A CABINET FULL OF OTHER BRUSHES.

In this house we wage a constant battle against the microbe and the germ.

BENJAMIN:
And I suppose I have to clean them, too?

HARVEY:
Naturally…

BENJAMIN FLIPS AND THROWS THE BRUSH HE’S CLEANING INTO A BUCKET OF WATER, SPLASHING IT EVERYWHERE.

BENJAMIN:
For Christ’s sake! As if it matters! As if any of it matters! Look, I’m going to hang the black scissors on the blue hook!

HARVEY AND VAL LOOK DEVASTATED AT THIS OUTBURST AND ARE SHOCKED INTO SILENCE.

Oh, I need to dry my hands! What shall I dry them with? What happens if I use the white towel instead of the brown? What happens then?

BENJAMIN THROWS THE TOWELS INTO THE BATH. HARVEY COVERS VAL’S EYES.
I can’t even have a shit without someone peeping through the keyhole to check that I’m not –

HARVEY:
Conducting yourself in the solo symphony?

BENJAMIN SWIPES SOME ITEMS OFF A SHELF.

BENJAMIN:
Let me out!

VAL SOBS. HARVEY GINGERLY WALKS TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM.

HARVEY:
Oh Benjamin…Benjamin…life writes many different stories upon us. Stories that make us what we are. I myself was a shy and awkward boy…

HARVEY SITS ON THE TOILET SEAT.

…afflicted with terrible facial warts. Oh, yes. People would whisper behind my back: “There goes Harvey toad face” or “quick, hide, toad face Denton is coming!”.

VAL:
And that was just his mother and father!

HARVEY:
But the toad can teach us many lessons…it’s lifecycle is a model of order and simplicity. All we’ve ever sought to do is create a similar harmony for ourselves, and…those we love.

BENJAMIN:
Look, I didn’t mean to upset you.

HARVEY:
If you feel uncomfortable, then of course, you must go. But don’t judge us too harshly. We simply sought to…express our love in the only way we knew how.

BENJAMIN GOES TO LEAVE.

VAL:
Benjamin…before you go we’d like to give you something.

BENJAMIN:
Of course. What is it?

VAL REACHES FOR A SCROLL ON THE WINDOW SILL.

VAL:
It’s this.

BENJAMIN UNRAVELS IT.

HARVEY:
An itemised bill covering expenses incurred during your stay. Wear and tear to carpets…

VAL:
Dust creation and subsequent removal…

HARVEY:
Disproportionate consumption of toilet tissue…used while pleasuring yourself to wicked extremes.

VAL:
Cheque or Visa will be fine.

VAL PRODUCES AN OLD FASHIONED CARD SWIPING MACHINE.

SCENE 17. INT. SHEBAB’S TOILETS. NIGHT.

GEOFF LIES ON THE GROUND, A PUDDLE OF BLOOD FORMED AROUND HIS HEAD. CHERYL AND MIKE STAND OVER HIS BODY. WE SEE GEOFF HAS A GUN CLUTCHED IN HIS HAND.

MIKE:
Um…Brian’s waiting for the police. Are you OK?

CHERYL:
Yeah.

MIKE KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO GEOFF’S BODY.

MIKE:
Oh, Geoff. You had everything to live for…why did you have to go and do something stupid like this?

GEOFF’S EYES SPRING OPEN.

GEOFF:
To see the looks on your faces!

MIKE CAN’T BELIEVE GEOFF IS ALIVE.

MIKE:
Geoff!?

GEOFF LAUGHS HEARTILY AND SITS UP.

GEOFF:
Oh, I got you, didn’t I? They were blanks!

MIKE:
Oh, you baby!

MIKE AND CHERYL EXIT AS GEOFF CONTINUES LAUGHING.

GEOFF:
It was only a joke!

SCENE 18. INT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.

TUBBS SITS ALONE IN THE SHOP, HER BAGS PACKED, READY TO LEAVE. EDWARD ENTERS FROM OUT THE BACK OF THE SHOP.

EDWARD:
Hello, hello, Tubbs? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!

TUBBS:
I’m leaving you, Edward.

EDWARD:
What?

TUBBS:
I’m leaving you. I hate this town and I hate this shop! David’s taking me to London.

EDWARD:
No…

TUBBS:
We’re going shopping at Harvey Nicks…and then we’re off to Leicester Square for a pizza.

EDWARD:
Tubbs…listen to yourself! You cannot trust this boy! His mind has been corrupted by colours, sounds and shapes.

TUBBS:
I want to see Les Mis!

EDWARD SIGHS.

TUBBS:
Or any of the big shows, really. Goodbye, Edward. I…love you.

SHE GOES BACK AND KISSES EDWARD ON THE CHEEK.

EDWARD:
Tubbs…? I have to tell you something. I saw David this afternoon. We…had a little chat. He’s decided he’s not building the new road after all.

TUBBS:
Oh, Edward! I don’t care about your stupid road! We’re going on the choo train!

EDWARD:
Go! David must be waiting for you.

TUBBS TAKES A SNOWSTORM FROM THE COUNTER AS A KEEPSAKE AND EXITS THE SHOP. WAITING OUTSIDE, HIS BACK TO TUBBS, IS DAVID.

TUBBS:
David!

DAVID:
Hello, Mum. I’ve changed my mind…

DAVID TURNS AROUND. WE SEE HE NOW HAS THE SAME UPTURNED NOSE AS TUBBS AND EDWARD.

I want to live…locally!

TUBBS LOOKS HORRIFED. EDWARD COMES TO THE DOOR AND SMILES. DAVID WALKS PAST TUBBS AND INTO THE SHOP, WHERE HE IS WELCOMED IN BY EDWARD. TUBBS TURNS TO LOOK AT EDWARD.

EDWARD:
Tubbs?

TUBBS WALKS AWAY FROM THE SHOP, NEARLY CRYING.

SCENE 19. EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

A POSTMAN COMES AND UNLOCKS THE TALKING POSTBOX.

FROM POSTBOX:
Thank you for posting…

POSTMAN:
Alright, it’s me!

AS THE POSTMAN OPENS THE POSTBOX, WE SEE A SMALL BOY INSIDE THE POSTBOX. HE HANDS THE POSTMAN AN ENVELOPE. IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE BENJAMIN WAITING BY THE WAR MEMORIAL.

POSTMAN:
Had a good day?

BOY:
It’s alright, yeah.

POSTMAN:
See you tomorrow.

THE POSTMAN HANDS HIM SOME FOOD AND DRINK, AND CLOSES THE DOOR AND LOCKS IT AGAIN.

SCENE 20. INT. HOSPITAL. NIGHT.

A NURSE AND A PORTER PUSH A TROLLEY ALONG. WE ARE LOOKING UP AT THEM, FROM SOMEONE’S POINT OF VIEW.

BARBARA (V.O):
Will you look after this for me?

NURSE:
Course I will, Barbara!

BARBARA HOLDS UP HER NECKLACE WITH HER NAME ON IT. THE NURSE TAKES IT.

Are you alright?

BARBARA (V.O):
Yeah.

NURSE:
Just try and relax – the anaesthetic will kick in quite soon.

BARBARA (V.O):
Good. I’ve heard that Dr. Mikos is one of the best in the country.

NURSE:
He is. Shame he had that skiing accident.

BARBARA (V.O):
Eh?

NURSE:
It’s alright, Barbara – we have a replacement who is just as capable.

WE SEE DR. CHINNERY ENTER THE SHOT.
DR. CHINNERY:
Hello, Barbara. Now don’t you worry about a thing.

HE PICKS UP A LARGE PAIR OF SCISSORS. AS BARBARA’S VISION SWIMS AND SHE FADES INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS, WE HEAR HIM SAY:

Right…what am I doing?

HE LOOKS AROUND FOR ASSISTANCE.

SCENE 21. EXT. MOORS. NIGHT.

BENJAMIN SCRAMBLES UP THE HILL AND ONTO THE PATH. HE CALLS OUT TO SOMEONE. WE SEE THAT IT IS TUBBS, SAT ON THE GRASS VERGE.

BENJAMIN:
Excuse me? Excuse me…you don’t know if there’s a shop around here, do you? I’m starving and I really want to get away tonight.

TUBBS:
Yes…come with me.

AS SHE STANDS, BENJAMIN SEES SHE IS WEARING MARTIN’S BOOTS.

BENJAMIN:
Oh…I like your boots. My friend’s got a pair just like them.

AS THEY WALK BACK TOWARDS THE LOCAL SHOP, WE SEE THE SIGN THAT READS ‘WELCOME TO ROYSTON VASEY – YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE!’.

So, are you local?

TUBBS:
Yes…yes, I am.

END CREDITS