On The Town was The League
Of Gentlemen's BBC Radio 4 Show Set in the fictional town
of Spent. It is the original Royston Vasey and all that
is different is the name and a few characters. Some characters
don't appear in Royston Vasey but do in Spent and vice versa.
There are 6 episodes in On The Town and there are some scenes
which were almost directly reenacted for the TV show. However
there are some completely new scenes too, and some have
only ever been seen again in A Local Show For Local People.
On The Town was first aired on Radio 4 on 6th November 1997.
can buy a copy of the series on the Town here!
Episode 1 - A Guest At The Denton's
Benjamin Denton - Media student & Nephew of Val & Harvey Denton
Bernice Woodall - Spent FM DJ and agony aunt. Hates everyone and everything
Ross Gaines - The intellegent one in Paulines Restart
Geoff Tipps - Works at the plastics factory. Can't tell jokes
Reg Ingley - Tiny shop keeper. He can fit on top of a wedding cake and.. in a condom...
The Answerphone Man - He's trying to get in touch with his big woman who's always out. But he's in, he's always in...
Sister Meg -Rather naughty nun
Pauline Campbell-Jones - Nasty restart officer. Obsessed with pens
Mike Harris - Geoff's boss at the plastics factory
Harvey Denton - Ben's uncle. Obsessed with toads and cleanliness
Farmer jed Tinsel - Owns Ten Acre fields. Calls out Dr Chinnery to put down one of his dogs...
Guard - Works in the station which is about to close down
Mickey M Michaels - Pant wetting simplton on the restart course
Brian Morgan - Another work colleague and friend of Geoff and Mike
Val Denton - Ben's Auntie. Also obsessed with cleanliness and certain stains...
Dr Matthew Chinnery - Spents tragic vet. He is suppose to cure the animals but...
Waiter - Indian man works at Shebab's restaurant
Scene 1 - Spent Station
Ben arrives in Spent. Sister Meg tries to fob the guard off with various ticket substitutes before nicking Ben's ticket
Guard: Spent, this is Spent! All change please! All change! Can you have your tickets ready for inspection?
Ben: Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me...?
Guard: Just a sec...Can I see your ticket please Sister?
Sister Meg: Oh yes of course. I was just in such a rush to get back to the convent. There you are. Goodbye!
Guard: Just a minute love, what's this? Admit One Lightwater Valley? Wrong ticket love.
Sister Meg: I'm so terribly sorry. What must you think of me? Here it is. Good day to you!
Guard: Ah-ah hang on. This is the ten of clubs Sister.
Sister Meg: How silly. Would this be it?
Guard: Yes...thank you
Sister Meg: Goodbye!
Guard: Now, can I help you?
Ben: Yes, I was wondering how often the trains go back to London?
Guard: Once in a blue moon
Guard: And that's not the worst of it
Ben: What do you mean?
Guard: I think that Nun just nicked your ticket. Tickets please!
Opening Credits - read by Jeremy Dyson
Scene 2 - SpentFM Radio Station
Bernice is presenting her radio show 'Hours of Agony' on SpentFM
Bernice: Good morning, its 9:15, I'm Bernice Woodall and you're listening to Hours of Agony on Spent FM. Well it's another beautiful day here in the lovely town of Spent and as I look out of my window through the sheet rain I think to myself aren't we lucky to live here...? Where you can see the very air that you breathe.
Scene 3 - Job Centre
Pauline greets her Jobseekers and does an exercise in confidence with Mickey involving analogies about Lucozade.
Pauline: So Ross, take a good look at me...
Ross: Do I have to?
Pauline: Yes. And take a good look at Mickey. What have I got that Mickey hasn't?
Ross: A moustache
Scene 4 - Bab's Cab
Babs is driving Ben to Swanmills estate. Ben tells her about his interview up at the plant. They discuss the shops in Spent. "You ought to go to Bang Bangs. That's where I get my dresses from" Babs also starts to tell Ben all about her impending sex change operation.
Classic quotes: I've only been on the 'ormones eighteenth months and me nipples are like bullets.
Geoff, Mike and Brian head for lunch. Mike tells Geoff the "Bummers are deaf" joke. He doesn't get it and proceeds to tell Brian, missing the point entirely
Classic quote: Mike said it. He was really laughin'.
Scene 6 - Ingleby's
Mike goes to Ingleby's for some cigarettes. He gets them himself but Mr Ingleby, who is rather sensitive about his short stature, demands he put them back so he can get them. He then proceeds to use various items from the shop to stand on so he can reach (couple of tins of beans... box of Frosties...)
Classic quotes: Can you come and lift me up?
Scene 7 - Bab's Cab
Babs and Ben arrive at the Denton's house. Babs is still telling Ben about her operation.
Val welcomes Ben into the house, telling him to "relax and treat this place just like your own home". Unfortunately Ben hasn't taken his shoes off and Uncle Harvey is not pleased. Uncle Harvey then has a man-to-man chat with Ben on the subject of onanism.
Classic quotes: I'm so glad that everything's sorted. It's such a persistent stain...
There is the sound of a phone ringing and then an answer phone message. A series of messages from an excitable sounding man are left on the machine.
Classic quote: You're a big woman but a good woman...
Scene 9 - Farmer Tinsels Farm
Dr Chinnery is called to the Tinsel farm to put down Ginger, Farmer Tinsels dog. Unfortunately he puts down the wrong dog, Whiskey.
Classic quote: I wonder if you'd take a seat Farmer Tinsel... I've got some rather upsetting news.
Scene 10 - The Job Centre
Pauline suggest a game called "Shop a Scrounger". Mickey announces he has an interview. She tells him he can't go. Ross tells him should. She threatens to stop his benefit if he does.
Classic quote: You can't just go swanning off half way through dressed like David Hasslehoff!
The answer phone owner is still out.
Classic quote: Bloody hell ma darling where are you? It's Friday, Are you dead?! I thought I was the one that was nearly dead?
Scene 12 - Ingleby's
Dr Chinnery is attending to Freebie, Mr Ingleby's cockatiel. It ends badly.
Reg: Is he all right Dr Chinnery?
Chinnery: Oh, sorry Mr Ingleby, I didn't see you down there. Yes, it's nothing to worry about. Just a touch of Scalybeak.
Chinnery: Yes, a common problem with cockatiels. Can you see that honeycombing of tiny holes?
Reg: No... can you lift me up?
Scene 13 - The Denton's
Ben is being given a tour of the Denton home. Val tells him he scissors and towel rhymes. He politely declines seeing the toads and goes to bed.
The Scissors Rhyme:
" Black for paper, chrome for string
The blue ones from a hook do swing
We keep them clean, don't be mistaken
For kitchen jobs, like trimming bacon"
Scene 14 - SpentFM Radio Station
Bernice is airing her views about disabled people. Informs a Mr Ian Lamb who is on a walking holiday in the area that his mother is dangerously ill, three weeks too late.
Bernice: Its like I've always said - disabled people are arrogant. If you want my advice then tell her if she can't manage the steps then she can't come in.
Scene 15 - Bab's Cab
Geoff is in Babs' cab still wondering if bummers are deaf. Asks Babs but she doesn't know either.
Scene 15 - Shebab's Restaurant
Geoff, Mike and Brian are in an Indian Restaurant. Geoff tells Mike that no one gets the Bummers joke. He then goes on about "Two nuns in a bath" to Brian
Classic quote: No one laughed... I came last. My Dad gave me such a beating.
Scene 16 - The Denton's
Ben is woken in the early hours by Harvey and Val and blamed for the toads' insomnia because he ate the rocket leaves meant for their supper. Is told to make amends by reading to the toads.
Classic quote: A decaaayed street in India!
The Answer phone owner still hasn't phoned him back.
Oh for pity's sake it's gone beyond a joke this! I'm sick of hearing that message of yours. Where are you then? I thought you were good. I had you down as a good 'un. But you're not good, you're bad. You're a woman and your big, but you're bad! You woman, I thought you were good? I'm not even sure you're a woman now, are you? Are you even big? I just don't know anymore kid. Man, woman? Big? You were once, sure, now who knows? I don't. I hate you. You've got nothing! You were nothing, you are nothing. Get lost! You're not big, you're not little. Sod you! Bye love! Bye love. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Be good. Goodbye. Love. Ta-ra.
Opening Credits - read by Jeremy Dyson
Scene 17 - The Denton's
Want to know more? Buy it here!
Ben is woken late the next day by Auntie Val to find he's missed his interview.