The Beast of Royston Vasey - Broadcast (1 Feb 99)

CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Olly Plimsoles, Edward Tattsyrup,
Judee Levinson, Bernice Woodall,
Benjamin Denton, Stella Hull

MARK GATISS Phil Proctor, Dr. Matthew Chinnery,
Val Denton, Andrew Wood

STEVE PEMBERTON Dave Parkes, Tubbs Tattsyrup,
Ernest Foot, Harvey Denton, Farmer
Jed Tinsel, Charlie Hull

WITH
DON ESTELLE
EDWARD McCRACKEN
KEITH LADD
IAN RALPH
PAUL HAYES MARSHALL
GLENN CUNNINGHAM
JOHN FLITCROFT
JOHN DE MAIN
MEGAN AND ROSY DE WOLFE
GLOSSOPDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE

DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK

WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON

SCENE 1. EXT. VALLEY. DAY.

A WHITE VAN DRIVES ALONG THE ROAD.

OLLY PLIMSOLES (V.O, SINGING):
Go to John Glover and tell her I love her and at the light of the moon I will come to her…

WE SEE THE VAN HAS SOMETHING WRITTEN ON THE SIDE: ‘LEGZ AKIMBO – PUT YOURSELF IN A CHILD’.

Go to John Glover and tell her I love her and at the light of the moon I will come to her…

SCENE 2. INT. VAN. DAY.

OLLY IS TRYING TO WHIP HIS THEATRE COMPANIONS, PHIL AND DAVE (DRIVING) INTO A SING SONG. HE IS FAILING. PHIL LOOKS AT A ROAD ATLAS.

Come on guys! In the round…go to John Glover, go to John Glover, go to John Glover and tell her I love her and at the…

DAVE:
We’re lost, aren’t we, Phil?

PHIL:
I’m not sure, actually.

DAVE:
Well you’re the one with the map. This isn’t a road!

PHIL:
It’s hard to tell, we’re underneath this staple…

OLLY:
Hey, hey guys…what’s this?

THEY PULL INTO THE CONSTRUCTION SITE, WHERE WORKERS ARE LEAVING IN A HURRY.

PHIL:
This is where the road’s meant to be…

A POLICEMAN WAVES AT THEM TO REVERSE. A MAN IN A HARD HAT RUNS PAST THE VAN, SCREAMING.

DAVE:
Shall we see if we can help, Olly?

OLLY:
Best not, Dave. We’ll only be late for the kids.

THE POLICEMAN MOTIONS FOR THEM TO DRIVE ON.

Always be professional…

AS THE VAN REVERSES, WE SEE SOMEONE HAS WRITTEN ‘WANKERS’ INTO THE BACK OF THE VAN IN DIRT.

…The kids will always respect you for that. Go to John Glover and tell her I love her and at the light of the moon I will come to her…

DAVE:
Oh, shut up!

SCENE 3. EXT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.

EDWARD STANDS LOOKING THROUGH SOME BINOCULARS. TUBBS WALKS UP TO HIM.

TUBBS:
Did the plan work, Edward?

WE SEE THE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES LEAVING THE SITE.

EDWARD:
Yes, Tubbs. The plan worked beautifully!

THEY SMILE AS THEY WATCH THE VEHICLES LEAVE THE TOWN.

OPENING CREDITS – THE LEGZ AKIMBO VAN DRIVES DOWN THE HIGH STREET. AN ELDERLY MAN, ERNEST FOOT, POSTS A LETTER.

POSTBOX:
Thank you for posting a letter inside me.

A MAN WAITS BY SOME STEPS. IT APPEARS HE IS TALKING TO A DOG.

MAN:
Come on, girl. Do your business…

WE SEE THAT THE MAN IS NOT WAITING FOR A DOG, BUT HIS WIFE, WHO IS SQUATTING DOWN, URINATING. SHE PULLS HER KNICKERS BACK UP.
TWO POLICEMAN WALK PAST A GARDEN AND GREET A WOMAN. SHE IS HANGING BONDAGE GEAR ON THE WASHING LINE.

POLICEMEN:
Hello, Grace!

GRACE:
Hiya!

THE TWO POLICEMEN KNOCK ON DR. CHINNERY’S SURGERY DOOR. HE OPENS IT, AND GREETS THEM, HIS HANDS COVERED IN BLOOD. HE SHAKES THEIR HANDS, LEAVING THE POLICEMEN LOOKING AT THEIR OWN (NOW BLOODY) HANDS.

POLICEMAN:
Morning, Dr. Chinnery.

DR. CHINNERY:
Two minutes? Come in.

THEY ENTER. IN THE SURGERY WINDOW IS A FLYER THAT READS ‘LOST – HAVE YOU SEEN MY ZOO? CALL LITTLE DON’.

SCENE 4. EXT. ROUNDABOUT. DAY.

A POLICEMAN IS INTERVIEWING THE ZOOKEEPER.

POLICEMAN:
Your entire zoo? How many animals did you lose?

ZOOKEEPER:
Three. Pickles the chimp was from my brother in law…the goat was from a gypsy in Tadcaster…and the pig was a favour from a farmer in Scoles. I’ve got nothing now. The pig was there, the chimp was there. It’s all gone! Everything’s gone!

THE LEGZ AKIMBO VAN IS COMING AROUND THE ROUNDABOUT.

DAVE (V.O):
Read the map AND drive?

OLLY (V.O):
The map is not my responsibility!

DAVE (V.O):
Yeah, well now where? Left or right?

OLLY (V.O):
It HAS to be left!

DAVE (V.O):
Right…For crying out loud…

OLLY (V.O):
Straight ahead.

DAVE (V.O):
Straight ahead? Right…

SCENE 5. EXT. FIELD. DAY.

ERNEST FOOT SITS ON A BENCH. A BLIND MAN APPROACHES, AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM. ERNEST DOESN’T QUITE KNOW HOW TO REACT. ALTHOUGH HE MEANS WELL, HE TALKS IN A PATRONISING MANNER.

ERNEST:
There’s a man sitting next to you. Not another man – me, I am. I thought you ought to know.

BLIND MAN:
Oh…thank you.

ERNEST:
That’s alright. It’s a lovely day!

BLIND MAN:
Yes…

ERNEST:
No – I’m telling you – it is a lovely day. Hardly any clouds in the sky, you are in a park, on a bench, talking to a man – me. Am I shouting?

BLIND MAN:
What?

ERNEST REPLIES IN A LOUD VOICE.

ERNEST:
Am I shouting?

BLIND MAN:
A little, yes.

ERNEST:
I thought so. I expect your ears are more finely tuned than an average, normal, healthy person’s.

BLIND MAN:
They are important, yes.

ERNEST:
Keep your specs on for one thing!

THE BLIND MAN LAUGHS, HUMOURING HIM.

BLIND MAN:
They forecast rain again later this afternoon.

ERNEST:
I beg your pardon?

BLIND MAN:
They say it will rain again this afternoon.

ERNEST:
Well how would you know? Did they write it down for you in that bumpy writing?

BLIND MAN:
Ha…no, it was on the television.

ERNEST:
Oh…no, no. Good for you. Do you watch a lot of…

REALISES HIS MISTAKE.

…No. It’s all repeats anyway. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before. You should get yourself a video!

BLIND MAN:
I’ve got one, actually…

ERNEST:
Then, you can tape stuff just to listen to it! Or else, keep it, in case one day…Well, who knows? They can put pigs livers inside you nowadays, imagine that! Yes, a pig’s liver instead of a humans! So, you know, they might find some way of…well I saw this “Tales of the Unexpected” once – and it was just this eye on a stalk! Yeah! This brain and an eye on a stalk in a big glass tank! And, well, if you’re lucky…one day that could be you!

BLIND MAN:
If I’m lucky?

ERNEST:
Well…listen to me, eh? I must be going. It’s nice to meet you, anyway.

ERNEST GETS UP AND WALKS OFF.

I’m behind you now! I’m going…ta-ta!

THE BLIND MAN RESTS HIS CANE AGAINST THE BENCH, RELIEVED THAT ERNEST HAS GONE. SUDDENLY, ERNEST LEANS TOWARDS THE BLIND MAN, STARTLING HIM.

ERNEST:
How do you shave!? I bet you cut yourself a lot, don’t you? Is that why you see so many bearded…sightless? Well, they always look a mess, don’t they? Dandruff and crumbs in their beard. Mum used to point at them on the bus and say ‘that’s what’ll happen to you if you don’t stop fiddling with yourself!’ Ah…didn’t stop me though, did it?

THE BLIND MAN GETS TO HIS FEET AND WALKS OFF. ERNEST DOESN’T REALISE THIS.

I expect you get lonely, don’t you? Rattling around all day in your house. Your hostel…locked in your own thoughts. You do better going for a little walk. As I say, it’s all repeats, and who knows? You might even meet another…I mean, look at me.

HE TURNS AND SEES THE BLIND MAN HAS GONE. HE SHRUGS.

Huh! Was it something I said?

SCENE 6. INT. BARBARA’S TAXI. DAY.

BARBARA IS DRIVING JUDEE BACK TO HER HOUSE. SHE IS BACK FROM HER HOLIDAY.

BARBARA:
So, did you have a nice holiday, Mrs Levinson?

JUDEE:
Oh Barbara, it was utter paradise. Eddie said it’s like in your very own Bounty advert.

BARBARA:
I really should get my bikini line waxed.

JUDEE LOOKS A BIT PUT OUT.

JUDEE:
So…anything been going on round here?

BARBARA:
Oh! Have you not heard about the beast of Royston Vasey?

JUDEE:
Oh, now Barbara…people can be very cruel.

BARBARA:
Not me! They dug something up working on the new road!

JUDEE:
Oh, Barbara, stop it. You’re giving me the willies!

BARBARA:
Well, you’re very welcome to mine – it’s coming off in a fortnight anyway.

SCENE 7. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE. DAY.

WE SEE A LARGE TENT HAS BEEN ERECTED. MEN DRESSED IN WHITE PROTECTIVE SUITS, COMPLETE WITH FACE MASKS, ENTER IT. DR. CHINNERY WALKS UP, ACCOMPANIED BY A POLICEMAN.

DR. CHINNERY:
Right, what have we got here, then?

THEY BOTH PULL DOWN THEIR FACE MASKS.

SCENE 8. INT. TENT. DAY.

DR. CHINNERY AND THE POLICEMAN APPROACH A SHAPE COVERED BY A LARGE SHEET.

POLICEMAN:
I have to warn you, Mr. Chinnery…

DR. CHINNERY:
Don’t worry, Inspector. I’m used to seeing nature red in tooth and claw…

THE POLICEMAN LOOKS AT DR. CHINNERY, THEN LIFTS THE SHEET SO HE CAN SEE UNDER IT. DR. CHINNERY VOMITS IN HIS MASK.

SCENE 9. INT. CLASSROOM. DAY.

THE REVEREND BERNICE WOODALL IS APPARENTLY CONDUCTING A SERVICE.

BERNICE:
You cowards! You whoremongers! Idolaters, liars! Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur where you will die the second death! The death that burns and tears for all eternity!

WE SEE SHE HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO A CLASS OF FRIGHTENED SCHOOL CHILDREN, ALL AROUND SIX YEARS OLD. ONE BOY PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, CRYING. BERNICE SPEAKS IN GENTLER TONES.

BERNICE:
So…think on.

SHE LEANS TOWARDS THE BOY WHO IS CRYING.

Shut up!

WE HEAR A VEHICLE PULLING UP OUTSIDE.

Did you know that this afternoon, some of you will be watching a play instead of doing proper lessons?

FROM OUT OF THE WINDOW WE SEE THE LEGZ AKIMBO VAN HAS ARRIVED, AND OLLY, PHIL AND DAVE ARE GETTING OUT.

It’s going to be performed by the Legs Akimbo Theatre Company, and it’s a show about homosexuality aimed at nine to twelve year olds. Some people call this “theatre in education”, I call it “AIDS in a van”. Aye…adultery.

SCENE 10. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.

TWO TOADS SIT IN A TANK ON THE DINING TABLE.

HARVEY (V.O):
My finest specimens…Sonny and Cher! Soon I shall be entering them in the Annual Croaker Parade.

WE SEE HARVEY AND VAL SAT AT THE TABLE. BENJAMIN STANDS, LOOKING AT THE TOADS DISINTERESTEDLY, HIS BAG PACKED, READY TO LEAVE.

HARVEY:
They’ve been nurtured carefully for the past nine months.

VAL:
And fed exclusively on Lollo Rosso and smoked mackerel.

BENJAMIN FROWNS.

HARVEY:
Now…I feel the toad breeder’s shield is finally within my grasp!

BENJAMIN:
Uncle Harvey, you’re not listening. I’m taking the train back to London.

HARVEY GETS UP.

HARVEY:
Impossible!

VAL:
You’re looking after the girls tonight.

BENJAMIN ROLLS HIS EYES.

HARVEY:
In this house, guests are expected to baby-sit at least once during their stay…

BENJAMIN:
You never mentioned anything about baby-sitting!

HARVEY:
Perhaps if you’d spent a little less time cavorting with Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters…you’d be a little more alert.

BENJAMIN:
Well I’m going. I’ve got the ticket.

BENJAMIN WALKS THROUGH THE KITCHEN TO GET TO THE FRONT DOOR. VAL BLOCKS HIS PATH IN THE HALL, TAKING HIS BAG FROM HIM.

VAL:
Splendid! That’s settled then.

SHE WALKS BACK INTO THE LOUNGE AND PUTS THE BAG DOWN.

Chloe and Radcliffe will be so thrilled.

HARVEY:
Benjamin…

HE BECKONS HIM OVER.

One other thing. While you’re walking around the house today would you be good enough to wear these?

HE HANDS BENJAMIN A PAIR OF WHAT LOOK LIKE SANDELS.

We use them on Wednesdays, they restore the weft of the carpet…

HARVEY BEGINS SLIDING AROUND THE CARPET ON THE SANDELS, AS IF TRYING TO ICE SKATE THROUGH TREACLE. HE DOES A LAP OF THE DINING TABLE.

SCENE 11. INT. SCHOOL HALL. DAY.

SCHOOL CHILDREN SIT TALKING. LEGZ AKIMBO STAND AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS. OLLY STANDS ADDRESSING THE CHILDREN, WHILE PHIL AND DAVE SIT ON TABLES BEHIND HIM.

OLLY:
OK, everyone. Thanks very much…um…Good morning. We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company. Some of you may remember us from a couple of Christmasses ago, we did ‘White Chocolate’ – a play about racism. And we’re back in your school to present our new piece on sexuality, called ‘Everybody Out!’. My name is Olly Plimsoles, I’ll get all of your names in a minute because there are far too many of you! This is…

PHIL:
Phil.

OLLY:
And…

DAVE:
Dave.

PHIL:
And as Olly explained we’ll do some forum work on sexuality.

OLLY:
Yeah. Can I just say, before we start. We will actually be losing Phil at the end of the month!

DAVE:
What?

OLLY:
Yeah, it’s very to see him go, but he’s been plucked for stardom. He’s now a proper actor, so we’re releasing him from his contract and he’s going off to do telly and radio and all sorts of exciting things!

DAVE:
When did this happen?

PHIL:
Last week.

OLLY:
So remember that face, because if you see him on the telly, you can say “Here Mum, I know him. He came to our school. He was in that really good play about issues with that Legz A-whatsit Theatre Company. I liked him in that, the writing was really good, but he’s out of his depth in this. He’s rubbish in this…turn it off, Mum – I don’t want to watch it”.

PHIL LOOKS A BIT DEMORALISED BUT HALF-REALISES OLLY IS PAYING HIM A COMPLIMENT.

PHIL:
Thanks, Olly.

OLLY GOES AND SITS DOWN AMONGST THE KIDS.

DAVE:
Who was the casting director?

PHIL:
Paul…Paul Alexander.

DAVE:
That old queen? How did you…?

DAVE REALISES PHIL IS GAY.

Oh, right…

PHIL ROLLS HIS EYES.

OLLY:
Ooh…make room for a little fat one. That’s it. OK. Who’s got a secret? Who’s got a really great secret that only they know about?

DAVE PUTS HIS HAND UP AND SPEAKS IN A CAMP VOICE.

DAVE:
I have.

PHIL:
Dave…

OLLY:
Who’s got a secret that they don’t think they could tell anyone else ever? What kind of secret would that be, I wonder? Any ideas?

NONE OF THE KIDS RESPOND.

No? Well, what if you stole something, did a crime? That would be a secret, wouldn’t it? Or you smoke. You’re a secret smoker, you take yourself off for a quick fag behind the bike sheds. But what if you’re gay? Yeah, a few giggles. Hands up. Who’s gay?

OLLY PUTS HIS OWN HAND UP TO DEMONSTRATE WHAT HE WANTS THE KIDS TO DO, WALKING BACK TO THE FRONT OF THE CLASS. HE REALISES HE’S PUT HIS HAND UP AT AN UNFORTUNATE MOMENT.

I’m not! But it’s a hard one, isn’t it? A hard one to admit to. But I bet you there are some gays in this room.

DAVE:
There’s at least one I know of.

PHIL SHOOTS HIM AN ANGRY GLANCE.

OLLY:
Sexuality is a very broad church…you know? It’s like anything else that’s…like that. Tolerance is very important.

PHIL:
Yeah. And this is what a lot of people forget – that gays are ordinary, normal, healthy guys.

OLLY:
Dykes on the other hand, are evil.

DAVE:
Olly!

OLLY:
Picture the scene, it’s last Thursday afternoon, you arrive home to find your wife, Linda, in bed with another man.

PHIL CAN SEE WHERE OLLY’S RANT IS GOING AND TRIES TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

PHIL:
Olly, let’s do some forum…

OLLY IS IN FULL SWING AND PUTS A HAND UP TO SILENCE PHIL.

OLLY:
…Only you look again and see it’s not actually a man. It’s a big fat lezzer wearing MY slippers and smoking MY pipe!

PHIL GETS UP AND ATTEMPTS TO PULL OLLY BACK AND GET HIM TO SIT DOWN.

Get off me, you poof!

DAVE:
Do you want to take a break?

OLLY:
I’m fine! Where was I? Tolerance – you have to talk to work things out. I spoke with my wife, Linda. Apparently, I’m not man enough for her! So now, she’s living with a female Geoff Capes! Which is fine! It’s a process. And understanding people is part of the hidden horrors of relationships. I’m not going back there, big bitches!

OLLY PICKS UP A CHAIR AND GOES TO HIT PHIL WITH IT, WHO DROPS TO THE FLOOR IN FEAR.

DAVE:
Olly!

OLLY PUTS THE CHAIR DOWN AND LOOKS AROUND THE CLASS.

Right, any questions?

SCENE 12. INT. TENT. DAY.

DR. CHINNERY HAS NOW COMPOSED HIMSELF AND PREPARES TO DO AN AUTOPSY. HE SWITCHES ON A DICTAPHONE AND PULLS THE SHEET BACK, WINCING SLIGHTLY. AS HE EXAMINES THE CREATURE, PEOPLE TAKE POLICE PHOTOGRAPHS.

DR. CHINNERY:
Subject appears to be animal. Ursine features…but ostensibly…simian. May I have a glass of water, please?

A VOICE COMES OVER ONE OF THE POLICEMAN’S RADIOS.

FROM RADIO:
Sir?

POLICEMAN:
Not now…

DR. CHINNERY:
Also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy…Anthropoidal nature of the subject suggestions some…gross distortion of a known genus.

FROM RADIO:
Sir?

THE POLICEMAN COVERS HIS RADIO WITH HIS HAND.

DR. CHINNERY:
I can only conclude that we have been confronted by a new species…some form of monstrous basilisk, the like of which the world has never seen.

FROM RADIO:
Sir? Sorry to bother you…got this zoo feller here. Lost his animals. You haven’t seen a goat, a pig and a chimp anywhere?

DR. CHINNERY LOOKS AT THE CREATURE BEFORE HIM. THE POLICEMAN LIFTS HIS MASK AND APPROACHES THE TABLE. WE SEE THE ‘BEAST’ IS ACTUALLY MADE UP OF A PIG’S HEAD, A CHIMP’S BODY AND GOAT’S LEGS.

POLICEMAN:
Come on…back to work everyone.

EVERYONE EXITS APART FROM DR. CHINNERY, WHO LOOKS AT THE BEAST WITH A THOGUHTFUL EXPRESSION. SUDDENLY, HE REALISES.

DR. CHINNERY:
Oh yeah!

HE EXITS ALSO.

SCENE 13. EXT. MOORS. DAY.

EDWARD LOOKS AT THE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES RE-ENTERING THE WORK SITE.

TUBBS:
Did the plan fail, Edward?

EDWARD SIMPLY GLARES AT HER, AND TROOPS OFF TOWARDS THE SHOP. TUBBS FOLLOWS HIM.

SCENE 14. EXT. FIELD. DAY.

TWO YOUNG GIRLS, CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE DENTON, SKIP TOWARDS A SCARECROW.

CHLOE:
Oh, Mr Scarecrow you look messy. Your head’s all out of shape.

THE TWO GIRLS PUNCH THE HEAD OF THE SCARECROW.

RADCLIFFE:
One day I’m going to ask Mummy to make you a brand new coat and trousers. Then you won’t look so scruffy and horrid!

FARMER TINSEL APPROACHES, HAVING SEEN THE GIRLS ON HIS LAND.

FARMER TINSEL:
Hey! Hey, you Denton girls! What’s your business? You’re always mithering my scarecrow!

CHLOE:
That’s because he’s a special friend, Mr Tinsel. He must get ever so lonely and hungry.

FARMER TINSEL:
Oh, no. You mustn’t worry about him – he’s only a thing of cloth and straw! Now, shouldn’t you be getting back to your school trip? They shouldn’t let you wander off, you know?

THE TWO GIRLS LAUGH IN UNISON AND THEN SKIP AWAY.

FARMER TINSEL:
Oh, dear. Them young lasses have made an awful mess of your head…

THE SCARECROW GROANS.

Did you know it’s your third anniversary coming up this Sunday? That’s right – three weeks in the ten acre field! What have you got to say about that, Andrew?

FARMER TINSEL REMOVES THE SCARECROW’S HEAD, REVEALING A DIRTY, DISHEVELLED MAN UNDERNEATH. FARMER TINSEL REMOVES A GAG FROM HIS MOUTH.

ANDREW:
Oh…please…please, Mr Tinsel! Let me go…

FARMER TINSEL:
What? When you’re doing such a fine job keeping them greedy crows off my turnips? I don’t think so, Andrew! Maybe next month, eh?

ANDREW:
At least leave the bag off for a while.

FARMER TINSEL:
Ooh…I’m not sure about that!

ANDREW:
Please!

FARMER TINSEL:
Alright. I dare say a bit of fresh air will do you good. I’ll go and take a walk down to the reservoir. But don’t try any of that screaming…I’ve got me gun!

FARMER TINSEL WALKS OFF.

ANDREW:
God…oh, God! Oh, my God! Girls! Girls! Come here!

CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE COME SKIPPING OVER AGAIN.

Girls, come here. Come here, come here, quick! Look, there isn’t much time – I need you to get some help!

RADCLIFFE:
What kind of help, Mr Wood?

ANDREW:
Wha..? You know who I am?

RADCLIFFE:
Of course we do. You’re Mr Wood from the cash and carry. Mr Tinsel has kept you imprisoned here for ages because you slept with his wife. She thinkls you deserted her, but you’ve been in the field all this time.

ANDREW:
Eh?

CHLOE:
So let’s get this back on your head!

SHE PICKS UP THE SCARECROW HEAD AND PLACES IT OVER HIS HEAD.

ANDREW:
No! Please, please help me!

CHLOE:
Oh, aren’t you noisy?

SHE PUTS THE GAG BACK IN HIS MOUTH.

CHLOE:
You see, Mr Scarecrow – you’re a special friend, and you wouldn’t be if you went away.

THE GIRLS SKIP OFF ONCE MORE. ANDREW MOANS.

SCENE 15. EXT. STREET. DAY.

A COUPLE, CHARLIE AND STELLA HULL, WALK DOWN THE STREET. THEY PASS A NEWSPAPER STAND SIGN THAT READS ‘MIKE READ IS NOT GAY – PICTURES’.

SCENE 16. INT. LUIGI’S RESTAURANT. DAY.

CHARLIE AND STELLA ENTER AND ARE GREETED BY THE PROPRIETOR, LUIGI. AS THEY TAKE A SEAT AT A TABLE, WE SEE A WOMAN HAVING DINNER WITH SOMEONE IN A FULL GIMP SUIT. THEY ARGUE IN GOOD NATURE, BUT WITH A MALICIOUS UNDERCURRENT.

CHARLIE:
Hey, Luigi!

STELLA:
We’re back again!

LUIGI:
Can’t keep away, eh?

CHARLIE:
Ah, she burned me bloody dinner again!

STELLA:
Ah, take no notice, Luigi!

CHARLIE:
The fire brigade came, everything!

STELLA:
He’s lying, Luigi!

LUIGI:
Table for two?

CHARLIE:
Yes please, Luigi.

STELLA:
Me toy boy’s coming…

CHARLIE:
I’ll give her a bloody toy boy…

STELLA:
I wish you would!

CHARLIE:
Save me a bloody fortune!

LUIGI:
Can I get you some drinks?

STELLA:
Yeah, I want sangria.

CHARLIE:
No, no, no. Just pick her out a nice bottle of red, Luigi.

STELLA SULKS.

Oh, and Luigi – put the Gypsy Kings on.

STELLA:
Oh yeah, I like them, Luigi!

CHARLIE:
She’s bloody hot, look!

LUIGI:
I go see if I have it.

LUIGI EXITS. CHARLIE AND STELLA SIT IN AWKWARD SILENCE. APART FROM THE DINERS IN GIMP OUTFITS AND A WOMAN EATING ALONE, THE PLACE IS DESERTED.

CHARLIE:
It’s quiet…

STELLA:
Hmm.

AS LUIGI ENTERS AGAIN WITH MENUS, THEY BURST INTO LIFE, WHOOPING AND HOORAYING.

CHARLIE:
Here he comes!

STELLA:
Back from me holidays, Luigi.

CHARLIE:
Ah, she’ll be on tables next!
STELLA:
Hey, I was you know, in Tenerifi!

CHARLIE:
It’s TENERIFE…

LUIGI DRAPES A NAPKIN ACROSS STELLA’S LAP.

LUIGI:
For you, Madame.

STELLA:
Ooh, did you hear that, Charlie? He called me ‘Madame’.

CHARLIE:
Aye, well.

LUIGI DRAPES A NAPKIN ACROSS CHARLIE’S LAP.

Thanks, Luigi.

STELLA:
He wants a bib!

CHARLIE:
Luigi…

STELLA:
Big baby…

CHARLIE:
Shut up! Luigi, the calamares, is that salad…lemon wedge?

LUIGI:
Si, senor.

STELLA:
Ooh, that sounds nice. What is it, Luigi?

CHARLIE:
It’s squid, Stella. You won’t like it.

STELLA:
I’m asking Luigi! Anyway, I might…

CHARLIE:
She won’t, Luigi! I took her on holiday – two star hotel, full board.

STELLA:
Don’t listen to him, Luigi!

CHARLIE:
She spent half the time in the en-suite bathroom…

STELLA:
I didn’t, Luigi…

CHARLIE:
Flaming knickers round her ankles!

CHARLIE AND STELLA STARE AT EACH OTHER.

LUIGI:
I bring the wine, eh?

LUIGI EXITS. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE. STELLA LOOKS AT HER MENU.

CHARLIE:
Stella…

STELLA:
Drop dead.

AGAIN THEY SIT IN STILTED SILENCE. CHARLIE RUBS UNDER HIS ARM AND SNIFFS HIS HAND. HE DRUMS HIS FINGERS ON HIS MENU. STELLA BITES HER NAILS AND STARES AT HIM. STELLA PICKS UP A BREADSTICK AND BREAKS IT IN TWO. LUIGI ENTERS WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE.

CHARLIE/STELLA:
Luigi!

STELLA:
Where have you been, Luigi?

CHARLIE:
You stay single, lad.

STELLA:
Have you come to cheer us up?

CHARLIE:
It’s not worth it…

LUIGI:
Have you…?

CHARLIE GRABS AT LUIGI’S ARM. THEIR ARGUING BEGINS TO GET MORE VICIOUS.

CHARLIE:
You tell me, Luigi. How is it possible to put 20,000 pesetas into a slot machine?

STELLA:
Save your breath, Luigi.

CHARLIE:
Why don’t you ask her why she had to leave her job, eh?

STELLA:
I loved that little job…

CHARLIE:
And where that £250 went from my bottom draw…

STELLA:
I did it out of boredom, I get so bored!

CHARLIE:
I should never have married her!

STELLA:
I have to get out the house…

BY NOW, BOTH STELLA AND CHARLIE HAVE GRABBED HOLD OF LUIGI AND PULL HIM TOWARDS THEM, ARGUING THEIR CASE TO HIM.

CHARLIE:
I don’t love her anymore! I’ve fallen out of love with her…

STELLA:
I’m still a woman!

CHARLIE:
Make something happen, Luigi…

STELLA:
Please, Luigi….

CHARLIE:
Luigi, please…

LUIGI LOOKS AT THEM. HE DROPS HIS ITALIAN ACCENT AS HE SPEAKS.

LUIGI:
My name’s not Luigi…it’s Carl. I’m sorry.

HE WALKS OFF. CHARLIE AND STELLA LOOK DEVASTATED.

STELLA:
I thought he said his name was Luigi?

CHARLIE:
Aye, well…

SCENE 17. INT. SCHOOL HALL. DAY.

OLLY AND DAVE ARE PREPARING TO PERFORM THE SHOW, THEY ARE BACKSTAGE, BEHIND A LARGE SET PIECE. PHIL IS ON STAGE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

DAVE:
Are you OK, Olly?

OLLY:
I’m fine!

DAVE:
Don’t forget the music in the disco scene.

OLLY:
I’m fine…

PHIL HAS BEGUN THE SHOW.

PHIL:
When Mum said I was artistic, I thought she meant I was good at drawing. But then I always had been a sensitive kid. Even at school I knew I was different to the other boys…they was interested in football…

DAVE LEAPS OUT FROM BACKSTAGE WEARING A SCHOOL TIE AND HOLDING A FOOTBALL.

DAVE:
Yay!

PHIL:
And girls…

OLLY WALKS OUT FROM BACKSTAGE.

OLLY:
Phoaar!

PHIL:
But I liked books and dolls.

THE KIDS WATCHING THE PERFORMANCE LOOK BORED.

DAVE:
Poof!

PHIL ACTS AS IF IN AGONY AS THE INSULTS ARE HURLED AT HIS CHARACTER.

OLLY:
Queen!

DAVE:
Mary!

OLLY:
Homo!

DAVE:
Nancy!

OLLY FORGETS HIS LINES AS HIS MIND WANDERS OFF.

OLLY:
Linda…

PHIL MIMES WALKING DOWN A STREET. OLLY AND DAVE GO BACKSTAGE.

PHIL:
I used to walk the streets for hours, thinking about what my pals had said. What was wrong with me? Why was I different? And that’s when I saw it – the night-club Gloria’s! I pulled open the door, went inside, and danced the night away…

PHIL BEGINS DANCING TO MUSIC THAT IS NOT PLAYING. HE STOPS WHEN HE REALISES OLLY AND DAVE HAVE FORGOTTEN TO START THE STEREO PLAYING.
HE REPEATS THE LINE, WITH A RAISED VOICE.

PHIL:
Danced the night away!

OLLY:
Alright, alright!

THE KIDS IN THE AUDIENCE LOOK LESS THAN IMPRESSED. OLLY AND DAVE RE-APPEAR FROM BACKSTAGE DRESSED IN STEREOTYPICAL ‘S AND M’ GEAR. THEY PERFORM A NAFF HAND CLAPPING DANCE.

OLLY:
Hey, I haven’t seen you in here before!

PHIL:
I’m not gay…

OLLY:
That’s cool, I’m not judging you! We get all kinds in here – gays, straights…LESBIANS!!

DAVE:
Olly!

OLLY:
Gloria’s is a fun place as long as you’re careful and over eighteen…see you!

DAVE AND OLLY ONCE AGAIN DUCK BACKSTAGE.

PHIL:
I left Gloria’s that night with my head spinning…I couldn’t wait to tell all my pals. But then I realised – how could I tell them? I felt like I was on trial at the blooming Old Bailey!

DAVE (V.O):
Will the court now rise for his honour, Judge Society.

OLLY ENTERS FROM BACKSTAGE DRESSED IN A HUGE JUDGE’S OUTFIT, SAT ON DAVE’S SHOULDERS TO GIVE HIM DRAMATIC HEIGHT. HE BANGS HIS GAVEL ON THE SET PIECE.

OLLY:
Johnny, you stand accused of being gay! How do you plead?

PHIL:
Not guilty…no, guilty! Oh, why are you judging me?

OLLY:
What about AIDS?

DAVE EMERGES FROM UNDER THE JUDGE COSTUME DRESSED IN A SKELETON SUIT WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS ‘AIDS’ AROUND HIS NECK. HE WANDERS THREATENINGLY AROUND THE STAGE.

OLLY:
Stop, stop…

PHIL:
It did seem like a nightmare, but that was a few weeks ago.

DAVE:
You’re hurting me.

OLLY:
Put me down.

DAVE GETS TO HIS KNEES TO ALLOW OLLY TO FALL UNPROFESSIONALLY OFF HIS SHOULDERS.

PHIL:
Then, just like in one of them old fashioned fairy tales, we all lived happily ever after. And me? I’m happy with who I am and what I am. And if people don’t like that, they can kill themselves like Mum did.
Come on kids! Get clapping! The moral of this story is…

OLLY STORMS TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE AND INTERRUPTS HIM.

OLLY:
The moral of the story is that being normal in this life won’t get you anywhere! Look at Phil – he’s just got a great part on telly. Not because he’s talented, he’s not! It’s because he bums the director!

PHIL STORMS OFF.

Yes, Phil, I’m not stupid! People like me and Dave plod on…

DAVE:
Don’t, Olly.

OLLY:
What? I’m telling them how dedicated we are!

DAVE:
I’m leaving Legz Akimbo.

OLLY:
What?

DAVE:
I’ve had enough. If Phil’s going, then I’m going.

OLLY:
Why are you doing this, Dave?

DAVE:
I just can’t stand you, Olly. I’m sorry.

HE EXITS.

OLLY:
Great…excuse me one moment, I think I’m going to be sick!

HE RUNS OFF BACKSTAGE.

SCENE 18. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. NIGHT.

BENJAMIN SITS ALONE, READING A NEWSPAPER. HE RAISES IT TO TURN THE PAGE. WE SEE THE HEADLINE READS ‘EVIL ED STEWART BANS EASTER’. HE LOWERS THE PAPER, BUT SENSES SOMEONE STANDING BEHIND HIM. HE LOOKS ROUND, AND SEES CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE STANDING THERE.

GIRLS:
Benjamin, we can’t sleep. Can we play a game?

BENJAMIN:
Really girls, you should be in bed. It’s too late to play.

BENJAMIN, UNSETTLED BY THE TWO GIRLS, GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.

GIRLS:
Please play with us!

BENJAMIN:
I promised your mummy and daddy I’d make sure you didn’t get up…

THE GIRLS WALK OVER TO HIM.

GIRLS:
Please, please!

BENJAMIN:
No! Now go to bed!

THE GIRLS EXCHANGE A KNOWING GLANCE AND WALK OFF TOGETHER. WE HEAR THEM CLIMBING THE STAIRS AND A DOOR OPEN THEN CLOSE. BENJAMIN SITS BACK DOWN, SHOCKED TO SEE THE GIRLS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM.

CHLOE:
If you don’t play with us, we’ll tell daddy of you!

BENJAMIN:
What do you mean?

RADCLIFFE:
We’ll say we came down here and caught you doing something naughty.

BENJAMIN:
Like what?

GIRLS:
Shaking hands with the governor of love!

BENJAMIN:
Don’t be silly, he won’t believe that.

RADCLIFFE:
He will! We know how to say it to make it sound real.

CHLOE:
You wouldn’t want to make him angry – we once saw him beat a man, until both him and the man were crying.

BENJAMIN:
Look, I’m not going to let you blackmail me. I’ve told you, go to bed!

THE GIRLS SCREAM IN UNISON.

Alright, alright – we’ll play a game, but…just for a bit.

CHLOE:
Radcliffe – fetch the blindfold, we’re going to play Wind In The Willows.

WE SEE THAT EACH GIRL IS HOLDING A TOAD BEHIND THEIR BACKS.

SCENE 19. EXT. MOORS. NIGHT.

TUBBS AND EDWARD LIE ON THE GRASS, LOOKING UP AT THE STARS. TUBBS IS COUNTING THEM.

TUBBS:
One, two, three, five, twelvety, six, ten…oh, there are too many, Edward!

EDWARD:
There’s been a local shop on this site for generations. Now this…new road, oh. What are we doing to do?

TUBBS:
We could kill them all?

EDWARD CHUCKLES.

EDWARD:
Tubbs – you’re good hearted. But there are too many.

TUBBS:
Look, Edward. A shooting star – shall we make a wish?

EDWARD:
Yes, Tubbs. I wish for an end to this plague of strangers, for our futures to remain local, and for new road to be totally destroyed.

TUBBS:
Can I have a new dress, please?

SCENE 21. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. NIGHT.

GENERAL CHAOS. THE GIRLS DANGLE TOADS FROM THEIR HANDS, SWING THEM ABOUT AND DO OTHER THINGS THAT COULD LAND BENJAMIN IN TROUBLE. WE SEE BENJAMIN IS BLINDFOLDED.

BENJAMIN:
Alright, calm down! Stop shouting! All right, yes, alright, calm down! Will you stop shouting, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

THE GIRLS START THROWING A TOAD TO EACH OTHER ACROSS THE ROOM.

I don’t think you should be…I’ll tell your mummy and daddy on you! Now stop it, stop it!

RADCLIFFE THROWS A TOAD TO CHLOE, BUT MISSES. IT LANDS IN THE PORTABLE HEATER WITH A FIZZING SOUND. BOTH GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER GUILTILY.

What’s going on? Now calm down. Oh, what’s happening?

HE TAKES OFF THE BLINDFOLD. HARVEY AND VAL ARE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY TO THE LOUNGE, SURVEYING THE CARNAGE.

Oh, hello. We were just…

HE LOOKS ROUND TO SEE THE GIRLS HAVE GONE.

…playing Piggy in the Middle.

THERE IS ANOTHER HISSING SOUND, AND HARVEY LOOKS TO THE HEATER.

HARVEY:
Sonny!

HE RUNS OVER TO INVESTIGATE. THE TOAD IS RESTING ON THE METAL GRILL, IT’S INSIDES MELTING AND DRIPPING DOWN ONTO THE HEATING ELEMENT.

My Sonny!

VAL:
Where’s Cher?

BENJAMIN:
I didn’t…

THERE IS A SQUELCHING SOUND AS BENJAMIN MOVES ACROSS THE CARPET. LOOKING DOWN, WE SEE HE HAS STOOD ON, AND KILLED, CHER THE TOAD. HARVEY LOOKS DEVASTATED AS HE LOOKS AT THE REMAINS OF THE TOADS.
VAL BEGINS CRYING.

BENJAMIN:
Oh, God!

WE SEE ONE FINAL SHOT OF THE TOAD ON THE HEATER DRIPPING IT’S ENTRAILS ONTO THE HEATING ELEMENT.

I’m sorry…

END CREDITS.