Welcome to Royston Vasey - Broadcast (11 Jan 99)

CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Benjamin Denton, Geoff Tipps, Henry Portrait, Edward
Tattsyrup, Ross Gaines

MARK GATISS Val Denton, Dr. Matthew Chinnery, Hilary Briss, Brian
Morgan, Martin Leigh, Mickey M. Michaels, Policeman

STEVE PEMBERTON Harvey Denton, Mike Harris, Ally Welles, Tubbs Tattsyrup,
Pauline Campbell-Jones, Farmer Jed Tinsel

With
FRANCES COX
MIKE FLANNAGAN
EDWARD McCRACKEN
PAUL HAYES-MARSHALL

DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK

WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON

SCENE 1. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. DAY.

WE SEE A TRAIN RUNNING THROUGH IDYLLIC HILLS AND FIELDS.

WOMAN (V.O):
Dear Benjamin, we’re so glad you are coming to stay with us, if only for the night.

SCENE 2. INT. TRAIN. DAY.

BENJAMIN DENTON SITS READING A LETTER.

WOMAN (V.O):
I hope you and your friend enjoy your hiking holiday, and don’t find our little town too boring.

BENJAMIN BEGINS TO LOOK ANNOYED.

WOMAN (V.O):
We’ve never camped, as Uncle Harvey doesn’t get on with chemical toilets.

BENJAMIN LOOKS ACROSS AND WE SEE AN OLD LADY SAT NEXT TO HIM, READING BENJAMIN’S LETTER OUT LOUD.

BENJAMIN:
Excuse me, do you mind? This is private!

TRAIN DRIVER (ANNOUNCEMENT):
Now approaching Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey next stop.

BENJAMIN RETRIEVES HIS BAG FROM THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT.

SCENE 3. EXT. MOORS. DAY.

A YOUNG MAN, MARTIN, DRESSED IN HIKING GEAR, WALKS DOWN A PATH. HE SEES A SIGN THAT READS ‘WELCOME TO ROYSTON VASEY – YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE!’ HE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES A LOCAL SHOP NEARBY. HE WALKS TOWARDS IT.

SCENE 4. EXT. STREET. DAY.

BENJAMIN SITS ON A BENCH. HE CHECKS HIS WATCH. A PINK TAXI PULLS UP, AND HE STANDS, READY TO GET IN. HE PUTS HIS RUCKSACK IN THE BOOT. THIS IS BARBARA’S TAXI.

BARBARA:
Where to, pal?

BENJAMIN:
Swanmills Estate, please.

BENJAMIN GETS IN THE TAXI AND IT DRIVES AWAY.

BARBARA:
Right-o!

SCENE 5. INT. TAXI, DAY.

WE SEE BARBARA DRIVING FROM BEHIND. ALTHOUGH SHE HAS A MAN’S VOICE, SHE IS DRESSED IN A RED DRESS AND HAS LONG BROWN HAIR.

BARBARA:
Are you here for work or pleasure?

BENJAMIN:
Pleasure I suppose. I’m staying with relatives and then I’m going hiking with a friend.

BARBARA:
Oh, it’s a nice part of town is Swanmills. Lovely shops.

BEAT.

It’s where I get my dresses from.

BENJAMIN LOOKS TOWARDS BARBARA’S FEET. WE SEE SHE IS WEARING STILLETO HEELS BUT HAS THE HAIRY LEGS OF A MAN. AS SHE CHANGES GEAR, WE SEE A MAN’S ARM COVERED IN GOLD JEWELLERY.

The good thing is, they know me there now. I couldn’t go into Dorothy Perkins once my bust started showing.

BENJAMIN:
Oh…

CLOSE UP ON BARBARA’S NECK. SHE HAS A VERY HAIRY CHEST AND WEARS A NECKLACE THAT READS ‘BARBARA’.

BARBARA:
I’ve only been on the hormones eighteen months, my nipples are like bullets!

BENJAMIN SITS UP, LOOKING VERY WORRIED INDEED.

OPENING CREDITS – BARBARA’S TAXI TURNS IN THE ROAD, PASSING A MAN ON A BICYCLE – DR. CHINNERY.

BARBARA (V.O):
Morning, Dr. Chinnery!

DR. CHINNERY:
Morning, Barbara!

A MAN POSTS A LETTER.

POSTBOX:
Thank you for posting a letter inside me.

DR CHINNERY CYCLES DOWN THE HILL. TWO MEN, MIKE HARRIS AND GEOFF TIPPS, WALK UP THE HIGH STREET, NARROWLY MISSING A WOMAN EMPTYING A BUCKET OF WATER ONTO THE PAVEMENT. AS THEY PASS THE BUTCHER’S SHOP, THE BUTCHER, HILARY BRISS, EMPTIES A BUCKET OF BLOOD AND GIBLETS ONTO THE PAVEMENT, SPLASHING THE MEN’S TROUSERS. THEY LOOK UP IN HORROR.

HILARY:
Sorry lads!

HILARY SEES SOMEONE HE KNOWS OVER THE STREET, AND WAVES.

HILARY:
Morning, Mrs Dyson!

MRS DYSON, A FLORIST, IS PUTTING OUT HER STOCK OF FLOWERS FOR THE DAY. THEY ARE ALL DEAD. TWO YOUTHS, HENRY PORTRAIT AND ALLY WELLES, TRY TO ENTER THE VIDEO SHOP, DISAPPOINTED TO FIND IT SHUT. WE SEE A SIGN TAPED TO A LAMP POST THAT READS ‘LOST – HAVE YOU SEEN MY FINGER?’

SCENE 5. EXT. STREET. DAY.

A HEARSE DRIVES PAST A CHURCH. AS IT PASSES WE SEE THE WORD ‘BASTARD’ SPELT OUT IN FLOWERS IN THE BACK OF THE VEHICLE.

SCENE 6. EXT. MOORS. DAY.

MARTIN ENTERS THE LOCAL SHOP.

SCENE 7. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.

WE SEE MARTIN IS WEARING STURDY WALKING BOOTS. THE SHOP APPEARS TO BE EMPTY, AND MARTIN PICKS UP A SNOWSTORM FROM THE COUNTER, LOOKING AT IT. A WOMAN, TUBBS TATTSYRUP, PEERS AT MARTIN THROUGH THE CURTAIN THAT SEPARATES THE SHOP FROM THE PRIVATE AREA. SHE CREEPS INTO THE MAIN SHOP CAUTIOUSLY.

TUBBS:
Yes?

MARTIN:
Oh, I’m sorry. Are you…open?

TUBBS:
Yes! Can I help you at all?

MARTIN:
Oh no thanks, I’m just…just looking.

MARTIN BEGINS STROLLING AROUND THE SHOP. TUBBS’ EYES FOLLOW HIM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

TUBBS:
I haven’t seen you before. Are you local?

MARTIN:
No, I’m meeting up with a friend actually - going hiking.

MARTIN LOOKS AWKWARD, TRYING TO MAKE AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE.

Cheerio!

MARTIN GOES TO LEAVE.

TUBBS:
Can I…help you at all?

MARTIN:
Well yes, how much are these snowstorms?

MARTIN APPROACHES THE COUNTER AND PICKS A SNOWSTORM UP. TUBBS SHOUTS IN SHOCK AS HE DOES SO.

TUBBS:
What are you doing?

MARTIN:
Sorry!

TUBBS RUNS BEHIND THE COUNTER AND CLUTCHES THE SNOWSTORM PROTECTIVELY TO HER CHEST.

TUBBS:
Don’t touch the things! This is a local shop for local people, there’s nothing for you here!

MARTIN:
I can pay.

MARTIN REACHES FOR HIS POCKETS.

TUBBS:
Keep your hands where I can see them! I have a husband you know. He’s up the stairs – he’s sure to hear everything.

TUBBS BEGINS SEDUCTIVELY RUBBING HER BREASTS.

If you were to come back here and…touch them, I…

MARTIN:
No, no…

TUBBS:
Edward! Edward!

EDWARD TATTSYRUP, TUBBS’ HUSBAND, ENTERS FROM THE BACK OF THE SHOP.

EDWARD:
Hello, hello? What’s going on? What’s all this shouting, we’ll have no trouble here!

TUBBS:
I caught him stealing from the shop.

MARTIN’S MOUTH HANGS OPEN IN SHOCK.

EDWARD:
Who is he? Is his identity known?

TUBBS:
He’s not local.

EDWARD:
Look here. We’re very proud of our town, this is a decent town and a local shop! We’ll have no trouble here.

TUBBS:
He asked me to open the till.

MARTIN:
No!

TUBBS:
He has a plan – he covets the precious things of the shop.

EDWARD:
Ah…Tea leaf, eh? You people are all alike.

EDWARD WALKS ROUND TO FACE MARTIN.

You march in here – young, try and…touch the local things. I suppose next you’ll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint? Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement…

TUBBS LOOKS AS THOUGH SHE WOULD ENJOY THIS.

I’ve got your number, fella. You won’t get far!

TUBBS:
He tried to see under my clothes!

MARTIN SHRUGS AND SMILES DISBELIEVINGLY, AMAZED AT THIS ACCUSATION.

EDWARD:
Pervert, eh? Got…sex…on the brain! Wet the bed I’ll bet as a boy…

(TO TUBBS)

No sisters!

TUBBS SHAKES HER HEAD IN AGREEMENT.

I used to be in a war, and I put paid to quite a few like you. This is a decent town and a local shop – there’s nothing for you here!

TUBBS:
Tell him I can’t have babies anyway! Tell him my insides are all wrong!

EDWARD:
Devil! Go on then, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home! Rape our dead mouths! So long as I don’t have to listen to any more of your disgusting babble!

MARTIN SHOUTS IN GENUINE ANNOYANCE.

MARTIN:
I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to upset or offend either of you! I just wanted to come in here and browse in your bloody shop!

TUBBS COVERS HER MOUTH IN SHOCK AT HEARING THIS OUTBURST.

MARTIN:
If you don’t mind I’ll just…leave quietly.

MARTIN GOES TO LEAVE THE SHOP. EDWARD BLOCKS HIS WAY.

EDWARD:
You…heard the man, Tubbs. Get undressed!

TUBBS BEGINS TAKING OFF HER CARDIGAN.

SCENE 8. EXT. STREET. DAY.

BARBARA’S PINK TAXI DRIVES ALONG THE ROAD IN THE RAIN.

BARBARA (V.O):
Yeah, it’s quite a straightforward operation, really. Basically they split the penis in two…

BENJAMIN LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE AT HEARING THIS INFORMATION.

…And invert it using the membranes to form a sort of…

SCENE 9. INT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.

PAULINE CAMPBELL-JONES, THE RESTART OFFICER, TROTS DOWN THE STEPS TO A ROOM WHERE MEN SIT AT DESKS READY FOR THE COURSE TO START. SHE CARRIES A SHOEBOX FULL OF PENS. THROUGHOUT THE NEXT PIECE OF DIALOGUE SHE TAKES HER COAT OFF AND GETS READY TO BEGIN.

PAULINE:
Okey cokey, pig in a pokey…Hello gents.

A CLOCK CHIMES IN THE DISTANCE.

Ooh, it’s half past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work. Other men stay in bed until dinnertime watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are!

SHE TURNS TO START THE CLASS.

Good morning job seekers!

WE SEE THE ROOM IS FULL OF DISINTERESTED LOOKING MEN, SMOKING.

Now, we were thinking yesterday, weren’t we, about jobs. Do you remember? And what did we conclude?

A DOUR LOOKING MAN AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM NAMED ROSS GAINES, SPEAKS.

ROSS:
There aren’t any.

PAULINE:
No, Ross. We concluded that there are so many jobs out there we need to know what our options are! So today, we’re going to have a little brainstorming session.

SHE LEANS TOWARDS MICKEY, A SIMPLE LOOKING MAN SAT NEXT TO ROSS.

Don’t worry Mickey, love. It doesn’t hurt! First up, who can tell me what this is…

SHE HOLDS UP A BOARD MARKER. MICKEY INSTANTLY LOWERS HIS HEAD, ASHAMED THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW.

ROSS:
It’s a pen.

PAULINE:
Yes, Ross. One of Pauline’s pens. And me and Mr Pen are going for a little walk, down the High Street where we’ll see lots and lots of people doing lots and lots of jobs…

ROSS:
Not our High Street, then.

PAULINE:
Oh look, there’s Mr Pastry. What do you think his job could be, gents?

MAN (OFF SCREEN):
Baker!

PAULINE:
Yes, good - baker. I’m going to write that up on the board…baker…

SHE SCRIBBLES ON THE FLIPCHART.

And then…oh look who’s over there! It’s Mr…Cabbages! And his job is…?

MICKEY:
Fireman!

PAULINE:
No, Mickey love. He’s a greengrocer.

SHE WRITES THIS ON THE BOARD AS WELL.

But his good friend is Mr Flames, and he IS a…

MICKEY TRIES TO PLAY ALONG. HE FAILS.

MICKEY:
…Greengrocer!

PAULINE:
No…

MAN (OFF SCREEN):
Fireman.

PAULINE
Good! Come on, shout more jobs out, let’s get a list going!

MICKEY:
Fireman!

PAULINE:
We’ve got that one Mickey, love.

PAULINE CLICKS HER FINGERS AT ROSS, EAGER FOR HIM TO RESPOND.

ROSS:
Newsagent.

PAULINE:
Good…newsagent…

SHE WRITES ON THE BOARD.

ROSS:
Policeman, carpet fitter…

PAULINE:
Yes, that is a job, isn’t it?

ROSS:
…Doctor, vet, tennis player…

A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE CLASS SPEAKS UP.

COLIN:
Football player…

PAULINE:
Just a minute…tennis player…

MICKEY:
Fireman!

ROSS:
…Window cleaner, gardener, architect…

PAULINE:
Slow down!

ROSS:
…Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy. Butcher, baker, candlestick maker…Fisherman, builder, labourer.

PAULINE FINALLY HAS ENOUGH OF ROSS’ PROVOKING.

PAULINE:
Alright, Clever Dick! That’s enough now!

BEAT.

ROSS:
An astronaut!

PAULINE EXPLODES.

PAULINE:
Piss off!

SHE GLOWERS AT ROSS, ANGRILY.

You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross. You’re never going to bloody get one, you worthless dole scum!

SHE LOOKS AT THE REST OF THE CLASS, DARING SOMEONE TO SAY SOMETHING. THEN, SHE LIGHTENS UP AS SHE LEANS TOWARDS MICKEY.

Can you think of a job, Mickey love?

MICKEY:
Yeah.

PAULINE:
Ah…

MICKEY HANDS HER A PIECE OF PAPER.

You see, Ross? This poor bastard can’t even spell ‘job’, but at least he tries!
MICKEY:
J…O…

HE TRIES TO THINK OF THE LAST LETTER, BUT CAN’T. PAULINE READS THE PIECE OF PAPER MICKEY GAVE HER.

PAULINE:
What’s this? “Dear Mr Mickey, we would like you to come for an interview this afternoon?”

ROSS:
That’s brilliant Mickey, what’s it for?

MICKEY:
Fireman!

PAULINE LOOKS DISTRAUGHT.

SCENE 10. EXT. SWANMILLS ESTATE. DAY.

BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES INTO A CUL-DE-SAC AND PULLS UP OUTSIDE A HOUSE.

BARBARA (V.O):
It’s not so bad once you get shaved and marked up with lipstick, you know. Course, they won’t know about lubrication until they open me up…

BENJAMIN GETS OUT AND GETS HIS LUGGAGE FROM THE BOOT. HE WALKS UP THE DRIVEWAY TO WHERE A WOMAN IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY OF THE HOUSE. THIS IS VAL DENTON, BENJAMIN’S AUNT.

BENJAMIN:
Hello, Auntie Val.

VAL:
Benjamin! Come inside – quickly, quickly…

SHE USHERS BENJAMIN INTO THE HOUSE.

SCENE 11. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.

VAL LEADS BENJAMIN THROUGH THE HALL AND INTO THE LOUNGE.

VAL:
Through here, Benjamin, please.

BENJAMIN:
Oh, thank you Auntie Val. Very kind of you to let me stay.

HE PLACES HIS WET RUCKSACK ON A CHAIR.

VAL:
Not at all. I was only saying to your Uncle Harvey over breakfast, we don’t see enough of your side of the family.

VAL TAKES A PLASTIC SHEET FROM THE TABLE AND PLACES IT UNDER BENJAMIN’S BAG.

Now whilst you’re staying with us we want you to relax, come and go as you please and treat this place like your own home.

BENJAMIN:
Well, I am only staying one night…

VAL:
I know.

BENJAMIN:
And I do have to meet Martin later.

VAL:
Absolutely.

VAL INDICATES FOR BENJAMIN TO SIT DOWN.

Oh…

BENJAMIN:
What is it?

VAL:
It’s just a little thing, but in this house we do ask you to leave your shoes in the front porch.

BENJAMIN:
Oh…

JUST THEN, AN ANGRY MAN’S VOICE IS HEARD SHOUTING FROM THE HALL. THIS IS HARVEY DENTON, BENJAMIN’S UNCLE.

HARVEY (OFF SCREEN):
Who’s left muddy footprints all over the lobby carpet?

HARVEY ENTERS THE LOUNGE.

BENJAMIN:
Oh, sorry. That was me.

HARVEY REACHES OUT TO SHAKE BENJAMIN’S HAND.

HARVEY:
Ah, Benjamin. It’s just that in this house, we leave our shoes in the front porch. Underneath the barometer.

BENJAMIN:
Yes, sorry about that.

VAL:
I was just explaining to Benjamin, Harvey, that while’s he’s staying with us we want him to relax and treat this place just like his own home!

HARVEY:
Of course…of course. Take your shoes off.

BENJAMIN DOES SO. HARVEY BECKONS HIM INTO THE HALLWAY.

This way…Good.

BENJAMIN FOLLOWS HARVEY AND PLACES HIS SHOES DOWN ON THE FLOOR.

VAL:
We thought…
HARVEY:
Not there!

HE POINTS TO A PLACE FRACTIONALLY TO THE LEFT OF WHERE BENJAMIN HAS PUT HIS SHOES.

There.

BENJAMIN MOVES THE SHOES.

Left a bit. And the right one closer to the left…

FINALLY, BENJAMIN GETS IT RIGHT.

That’ll do!

HARVEY WALKS BACK INTO THE LOUNGE.

VAL:
We thought you’d be happiest down here on the sofa bed. You have your own shower and WC…

HARVEY:
…Into which we don’t pass solids…

VAL:
And you won’t have the girls running in and out every five minutes.

BENJAMIN:
Oh, well that sounds great.

HARVEY:
Of course, I shall be inconvenienced, as this room serves as my study, but I can stay late at the office.

HARVEY PICKS UP BENJAMIN’S BAG.

BENJAMIN:
If it’s any trouble…

HARVEY:
No! …It’s fine!

HE EXITS.

VAL:
Well, there are just one or two other things so you feel absolutely at home…

VAL WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN. BENJAMIN FOLLOWS.

VAL:
Firstly, the keys.

BENJAMIN:
Oh right.

VAL OPENS A WALL MOUNTED CUPBOARD FULL OF HOOKS, EACH WITH A DIFFERENT COLOURED KEY ON IT.

VAL:
Now, they’re all colour coded, so it shouldn’t take you too long!

SCENE 12: EXT. INDUSTRIAL ESTATE. DAY.

THERE ARE WAREHOUSES AND MOBILE OFFICES ON A CONCRETE PATCH OF LAND. TWO MEN, MIKE HARRIS AND GEOFF TIPPS, WALK OUT OF ONE OF THE OFFICES.

MIKE:
This is what I’m saying, Geoff. There won’t be any work if they don’t get a move on with this bloody road…

GEOFF:
Eh?

MIKE:
We’re dying on our arses here.

GEOFF:
It’ll be alright.

GEOFF TURNS BACK AND SHOUTS TO SOMEONE.

Come on Brian, we’ve only got an hour for dinner, you know!

GEOFF AND MIKE WALK PAST A SIGN THAT READS ‘PLASTIC INJECTION MOULDINGS CO. LTD’. GEOFF AND MIKE WALK OUT INTO A SHORT ALLEYWAY.

GEOFF:
God he’s bloody deaf, him.

MIKE:
Well, you know what they say, Geoff.

GEOFF:
What?

MIKE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY.

GEOFF:
Eh?

MIKE MUMBLES AGAIN.

GEOFF:
I can’t hear you!

MIKE:
I said, bummers are deaf!

BRIAN MORGAN, THE OTHER MAN IN THEIR GROUP, COMES RUNNING UP TO JOIN THE TWO MEN. MIKE TURNS TO GEOFF.

Ah…

GEOFF:
Ah, it’s a good one, that.

MIKE:
Yeah, I fell for it and all.
FROM BEHIND THEM, A SMALL BOY PICKS UP A GLASS AND THROWS IT AT THEM. IT NARROWLY MISSES BRIAN, AND SMASHES AGAINST THE WALL.

BRIAN:
Sorry lads, I was getting that table for tonight.

GEOFF:
Here, Brian. You know what they say, don’t you? Bummers are deaf.

BRIAN IS CONFUSED AT THE JOKE GEOFF HAS JUST RUINED.

BRIAN:
What do you mean?

GEOFF:
Well, they’re deaf, aren’t they? Bummers are deaf!

BRIAN:
I don’t know what you’re on about, Geoff.

GEOFF:
Well I don’t! Mike said it. He was really laughing.

THEY ENTER A PUB.

SCENE 13. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. DAY.

THE LOCAL VET, DR CHINNERY, CYCLES UP A HILL TO A FARMHOUSE.

DR CHINNERY (V.O):
Good afternoon.

MAN (V.O):
It’s just though here, veterinary.

SCENE 14. INT. FARMHOUSE. DAY.

THE MAN, FARMER TINSEL, USHERS DR. CHINNERY INTO THE HOUSE.

FARMER TINSEL:
You’re a good lad. Thanks for coming at such short notice.

DR CHINNERY:
Not at all.

FARMER TINSEL:
She’s in her basket.

DR CHINNERY ENTERS THE LOUNGE ALONG WITH FARMER TINSEL.

I know she won’t suffer with you, Mr Chinnery.

FARMER TINSEL WIPES A DAMP EYE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF.

I won’t be a minute.

DR CHINNERY:
Right.

DR CHINNERY TURNS AND LEANS TOWARDS THE DOG SAT IN IT’S BASKET. HE SPEAKS IN SOOTHING TONES.

Hello…Hello old girl. On your last legs, you old trooper?

HE PATS THE DOG.

Well…never mind. Had a good innings, eh? Chased a few cats…chewed a few bones.

HE TAKES A SYRINGE OUT OF HIS CASE, READY TO PUT THE DOG DOWN.

Well, you won’t be in pain much longer. Don’t mind this, just a silly little needle.

HE INJECTS THE DOG.

There we go…Shhh…Good dog. There…

HE STROKES THE DOG AND MAKES SURE IT DIES COMFORTABLY.

Off to the land of nod, eh?

FARMER TINSEL ENTERS THE LOUNGE AGAIN, CARRYING ANOTHER DOG.

FARMER TINSEL:
Here she is, veterinary. That tumour puts another half stone on her.

DR CHINNERY
Who have you got there, then?

FARMER TINSEL:
It’s Blacko. The poorly one, the one I want putting down, you know.

DR CHINNERY LOOKS WORRIED. HE POINTS TO THE DOG HE’S JUST PUT DOWN.

DR CHINNERY:
And this one? The, the…sleeping one, by the fire?

FARMER TINSEL:
Whisky? My little angel, she is. My little princess, aren’t you chick?

DR CHINNERY LOOKS HEARTBROKEN AT HIS MISTAKE.

DR CHINNERY:
Right…

FARMER TINSEL:
Whisky? Whisky?

DR CHINNERY:
I wonder if you’d take a seat, Mr Tinsel. I’ve some rather upsetting news…

SCENE 15. EXT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.

PAULINE (V.O):
So, job seekers…when we think about what skills you’ve got…

SCENE 16. INT. RESTART COURSE. DAY.

PAULINE IS CROSSING JOB TITLES OFF THE FLIPCHART.

PAULINE:
…We can narrow this list of job options down to…babysitter and…bramble picker! I don’t know where that one came from! Right, I’m going to dish out my pens again.

MICKEY:
What time is it, Ross?

MICKEY HOLDS HIS WATCH OUT FOR ROSS TO SEE.

ROSS:
You’ve got a watch on.

MICKEY:
I know, but what time is it?

ROSS:
Quarter past four.

MICKEY:
Right…

MICKEY GETS UP TO LEAVE. PAULINE SPOTS HIM.

PAULINE:
Erm, just a sec…where do you think you’re going?

MICKEY:
Interview.

PAULINE:
You’re going nowhere, Buster. Sit down.

MICKEY DEJECTEDLY WALKS BACK TO HIS SEAT.

PAULINE:
Right job seekers, I want you to take a look at this list…

ROSS:
Just a second. How’s he going to get a job if you don’t let him go for his interview?

PAULINE:
How’s he going to get an interview if he doesn’t know his job options?

ROSS:
He’s already got an interview!

PAULINE:
Ross, that is not my responsibility! My responsibility is to turn all of you into job seekers. Where would I be if you all got work before the end of this course?

COLIN:
On the dole.

PAULINE:
Exactly! I’d be sat here next to Mr Waddilove, stinking of shit! This is my job we’re talking about.

ROSS:
No it’s not, it’s Mickey’s job! You go, Mickey!

MICKEY GETS UP AGAIN TO LEAVE.

PAULINE:
Mickey…

ROSS:
Go!

MICKEY IS UNDECIDED AS TO WHAT TO DO.

PAULINE:
Mickey! If you walk out of that door, I will have no option but to stop your benefit.

MICKEY LOOKS WORRIED.

PAULINE:
Yeah, both claims.

ROSS:
She can’t do that!

PAULINE:
Try me.

MICKEY:
Please, Pauline? I feel…confident!

PAULINE:
Well you look ridiculous! I know they’ve put monkeys in space, but do you really think they’ll have one driving a fire engine? Sit down!

ROSS:
Go!

MICKEY GOES AND SITS DOWN. PAULINE LOOKS SMUGLY ON. ROSS GLARES WITH HATE AT PAULINE, BUT ANGRY AT MICKEY AS WELL FOR NOT STANDING UP TO HER.

PAULINE:
That’s right, Mickey love. You stick to what you know, eh?

MICKEY:
Pauline’s right – I am stupid.

PAULINE:
Right, the rest of you. I want you to split yourselves into two groups, babysitters and bramble pickers, and we’ll look at the second stage – getting an interview!

SCENE 17. EXT. STREET. DAY.

BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES UP A STREET. GEOFF IS INSIDE.

GEOFF:
Barbara? Are bummers deaf?

BARBARA:
I’ve no idea.

SCENE 18. INT. BARBARA’S TAXI. DAY.

GEOFF:
I don’t know why I’m asking you – you’re a woman.

BARBARA:
Not quite, Geoff. They’ve got to open me up first, along the base of the scrotum…

GEOFF MAKES A FACE, NOT WISHING TO KNOW THIS.

SCENE 19. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.

VAL IS SHOWING BENJAMIN THE SCISSORS RACK IN THE BATHROOM.

VAL:
Black for paper, chrome for string, the blue one from this hook do swing. We keep them clean, don’t be mistaken, for kitchen jobs like trimming bacon.

BENJAMIN NODS, HUMOURING HER.

BENJAMIN:
Right, well I’d better be off, I’m meeting Martin at six o’ clock.

VAL MOVES THROUGH HER LIST, NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO BENJAMIN.

VAL:
Then there’s the towels…white for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard ‘neath the stair…

HARVEY ENTERS THE BATHROOM CARRYING A RED TOWEL AND WEARING A DRESSING GOWN.

HARVEY:
…You’ll find the red for pubic hair!

VAL:
Well I think that’s covered everything. You might want to relax – perhaps you’d like to see Harvey’s toads?

BENJAMIN:
What?

HARVEY:
I breed toads for a hobby.

BENJAMIN:
Really?

HARVEY:
Yes.

HARVEY TAKES OFF THE DRESSING GOWN REVEALING A WHITE VEST, RIDICULOUSLY LARGE BLUE UNDERPANTS AND SOCKS PULLED RIGHT UP HIS LEGS.

BENJAMIN:
Well the thing is I’m meant to be meeting Martin later.

HARVEY:
Batrachianism is a most rewarding pastime. We thought we’d give you a tour of the amphibarium, and then if you’re very good you can stroke my greenback.

BENJAMIN WEIGHS UP THIS OFFER.

BENJAMIN:
Oh…but – don’t toads give you warts?

HARVEY STARES AT BENJAMIN FOR A MOMENT.

HARVEY:
You may give a toad a wart, but a toad may not give a wart to you!

VAL:
I’ll just go and put the kettle on…

VAL EXITS.

BENJAMIN:
Well, I’d better…

HE GOES TO LEAVE. HARVEY LOCKS THE BATHROOM DOOR.

HARVEY:
While the wee wife’s away, just a few words on the subject of onanism.

HARVEY INDICATES FOR BENJAMIN TO SIT DOWN. HE DOES SO ON THE TOILET.

In this house…we don’t masturbate. It’s not a very pleasant thing to do, particularly with two young girls running around now, is it? I’d hate to think of either Chloe or Radcliffe tearing downstairs first thing in the morning, only to find you, hunched double on the sofa bed…pumping your fist. So, while you’re a guest with us, if you could reign in those baser instincts, if you don’t mind, Benjamin, please?

BENJAMIN:
No, that’s…fine.

HARVEY:
Good!

BENJAMIN TURNS AROUND AND SEES TWO TOILET ROLLS MARKED ‘1’s’ AND ‘2’s’. HARVEY UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND VAL ENTERS CARRYING A TRAY.

VAL:
Everything hunky dory? Good. I’m so glad it’s all sorted.

HARVEY TAKES TWO MUGS FROM THE TRAY, GIVING ONE TO BENJAMIN.

VAL:
Semen is such a persistent stain.

SHE EXITS.

SCENE 18. EXT. SHEBAB’S RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

GEOFF (V.O):
Oi! Three Bluebirds, please!

SCENE 19. INT. SHEBAB’S RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

MIKE, GEOFF AND BRIAN SIT AT A TABLE.

GEOFF:
Oh, he’s bloody deaf, him.

MIKE:
Well, you know what they say, Geoff.

GEOFF:
What?

MIKE LEAVES A COMEDY PAUSE BEFORE BRIAN AND GEOFF REALISE HE IS REFERRING TO THE ‘BUMMERS ARE DEAF’ JOKE. THEY LAUGH.

GEOFF:
Alright, alright…

A WAITER BRINGS THEIR DRINKS OVER.

GEOFF:
Here, Brian. Tell Mike ‘Mau Mau’.

BRIAN:
You what?

GEOFF:
You know, that one about the Mau Mau.

BRIAN:
Oh, I can’t remember that, Geoff. You tell him.

GEOFF:
No, you can. Mike, Danny Taurus told us this joke at the gun club, and it’s the funniest bloody joke! Tell him, Brian.

BRIAN:
Me?

GEOFF:
Yeah, go on.

BRIAN:
Alright. There’s these three fellers…

GEOFF:
Yeah – Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

BRIAN:
Yeah, Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman. And they get lost in the desert.

GEOFF:
No, jungle!

BRIAN:
Is it?

GEOFF:
Yeah, go on!

BRIAN:
Alright, they get lost in the jungle and get killed by these cannibals.

GEOFF:
No, not yet! You missed the whole bloody joke out you idiot!

BRIAN:
Well, I can’t remember it, Geoff. You tell him.

GEOFF:
No, you can.

MIKE:
No, it’s alright – I’m not bothered actually.

MIKE GETS UP FROM HIS CHAIR.

GEOFF:
Sit down!

MIKE:
Eh?

GEOFF:
Sit down!

MIKE DOES SO.

He’s telling a joke. (To Brian) Now just remember what the end is, and go back.

BRIAN:
There’s an Englishman…

GEOFF:
Fruit.

BRIAN:
What?

GEOFF:
It’s the fruit.

BRIAN LOOKS VAGUE FOR A MOMENT BEFORE REGAINING HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

BRIAN:
Oh!

GEOFF:
He remembers it now.

BRIAN:
Right, they’ve got to go out to the jungle and pick ten pieces of fruit and bring them back. So they come back and the chief says “So, Englishman…”

GEOFF:
Do the voice.

BRIAN LOOKS AT THE FLOOR BEFORE CONTINUING, BUT DOING THE APPROPRIATE ACCENTS.

BRIAN:
The chief says “So Englishman, you must choose between death or Mau Mau. The Englishman says “We English will not bow to savages, I’ll choose Mau Mau”. So they grab him, and they stick the ten pieces of fruit up his arse.

GEOFF:
Yeah, and what did he pick?

BRIAN:
Oh, the Englishman chose…cherries!

GEOFF:
Cherries! Imagine that, Mike. Ten cherries stuffed up your arse! Cherries are only really small though, aren’t they? Go on, Brian.

BRIAN:
Oh right, yeah. So the chief turns to the Scotsman, says “Death or Mau Mau”, and he says Mau Mau. And he…oh. What’s the Scotsman’s fruit, Geoff? Is it bananas?

GEOFF:
No, it’s smaller than that. Just a sec…

BRIAN:
Well let’s just say…

GEOFF:
No, it’s too big, it spoils the next one!

BRIAN:
Apple?

GEOFF:
No!

MIKE:
Strawberries?

GEOFF:
What, in the jungle? No, just…think what it is for a minute.

GEOFF REALLY THINKS HARD ABOUT THE JOKE.

MIKE:
Strawberries…apples…Hey, Brian. Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?

BRIAN:
Don’t know.

MIKE:
Because the parrots eat ‘em all.

MIKE AND BRIAN LAUGH AS THEY GET THE JOKE. GEOFF REMAINS DEEP IN THOUGHT.

MIKE:
Did you get it?

BRIAN:
See, I would have said paracetamol.

MIKE:
Well either way I think it worked.

GEOFF IS STILL TRYING TO THINK.

SCENE 18. INT. HARVEY’S AMPHIBARIUM. NIGHT.

HARVEY HAS AN ARM ROUND BENJAMIN’S SHOULDER AS HE SHOWS OFF A TOAD, WHICH IS SAT IN A TANK.

HARVEY:
The horn toad requires only three droplets on a slice of moist bread…

BENJAMIN PRETENDS TO BE INTERESTED.

BENJAMIN:
Only three? Well look, the thing is I’m meant to be meeting my friend Martin…

HARVEY:
Moving on…Xenophusliavis…

WE SEE HARVEY’S AMPHIBARIUM IS HUGE, AND THEY ARE ONLY AT THE BEGINNING.

SCENE 19. INT. SHEBAB’S RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

IT IS OBVIOUS SOME TIME HAS PASSED SINCE THE MAU MAU JOKE WAS STARTED, AND BRIAN AND MIKE HAVE ALL BUT FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT. GEOFF, HOWEVER, IS STILL TRYING HARD TO THINK OF THE MISSING PART OF THE JOKE.

MIKE:
I mean the thing you’ve got to remember, Brian - everyone’s banking on this road, what if it doesn’t happen?

BRIAN:
I thought it was a dead cert?

MIKE:
You can’t say that…

SUDDENLY, GEOFF BANGS THE TABLE AS HE REMEMBERS SOMETHING.

GEOFF:
Plums!

BRIAN:
What?

GEOFF:
They’re plums. Come on…

MIKE:
Oh, Geoff. It doesn’t matter now!

GEOFF:
Course it matters, he’s right near the end! There’s only the Irishman left! Come on, Brian.
The chief turns to the Irishman, he says “death or Mau Mau?”…

MIKE:
You didn’t do the voice!

GEOFF:
Don’t matter! Finish it!

BRIAN:
I can’t remember.

GEOFF:
Finish it!

BRIAN:
Geoff, I can’t remember it.

GEOFF:
Please!

BRIAN:
Geoff – I honestly can’t remember it.

GEOFF BURSTS INTO TEARS.

GEOFF:
It’s just a big bloody joke to you, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Geoff can’t tell a joke, Geoff is a joke, he enters a talent competition and loses! My mum said I would win! I was only eight! You know I’ve got this gun, don’t you?

GEOFF PULLS OUT A GUN AND STARTS WAVING IT AROUND.

Oh, you’re all listening now! Well, you…

GEOFF POINTS THE GUN THREATENINGLY AT BRIAN.

…Are going to tell this joke…and we’re all going to laugh! Or else he…

GEOFF PUTS AN ARM ROUND MIKE’S NECK AND POINTS THE GUN AT HIS HEAD.

...Gets it!

BRIAN:
Alright! Calm, Geoff! I’ll finish the joke! Er…the chief turns to the Irishman and says “death or Mau Mau?” and the Irishman looks at his fruits…

GEOFF JABS THE GUN AT BRIAN AGAIN.

GEOFF:
Pineapples!

BRIAN:
Looks at his pineapples, and says “I don’t think I could stand the Mau Mau, I’ll choose death”. And the chief says to him…

MIKE LOOKS DESPERATELY SCARED AS GEOFF COCKS THE GUN.

MIKE:
Get it right, Brian!

BRIAN:
Chief says to the Irishman…I can’t remember.

MIKE:
He says…”Death by Mau Mau!”

THERE IS A PAUSE WHILE GEOFF LOOKS THOUGHFUL. THEN HE DROPS THE GUN, AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

GEOFF:
Oh, have you heard it?

MIKE:
Yeah…

GEOFF:
It’s good though, ain’t it? Oi! Three Bluebirds!

SCENE 20. EXT. TOWN SQUARE. NIGHT.

BENJAMIN STANDS WAITING FOR MARTIN. IN THE BACKGROUND, MICKEY SITS ON THE STEPS OF A MEMORIAL STATUE, PLAYING WITH A TOY FIRE ENGINE.

BENJAMIN:
Excuse me? You haven’t seen someone waiting here, have you?

MICKEY:
What did he look like?

SCENE 21. INT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.

TUBBS HOLDS A PHOTOGRAPH, WHICH WE SEE IS OF MARTIN.

MAN (V.O):
Twenty eight years old, brown hair. Name of Martin Reeve.

WE SEE TUBBS IS WEARING THE STURDY WALKING BOOTS MARTIN WAS WEARING BEFORE HE ENTERED THE SHOP. WE SEE THE MAN WHO IS TALKING IS A POLICEMAN.

POLICEMAN:
I found the wallet outside the shop. Has he been in today?

TUBBS:
No! I don’t know anything! Now if you’ll excuse me, officer – the shop IS local…

POLICEMAN:
Well…perhaps your husband saw something. Is he on the premises?

TUBBS:
He’s…up the stairs, cleansing the precious things of the shop. He can’t walk you see…and he’s blind.

JUST AT THAT MOMENT, EDWARD ENTERS THE SHOP, WEARING THE RUCKSACK THAT MARTIN HAD BEFORE HE ENTERED THE SHOP.

EDWARD:
Hello, hello, Tubbs. What’s going on? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!

POLICEMAN:
Are you the proprietor?

EDWARD:
Yes, yes.

POLICEMAN:
Well your wife said you were up the stairs, sir.

EDWARD REALISES THE HOLE IN THEIR STORY.

EDWARD:
I slipped out, Tubbs. For a walk. Didn’t want to disturb you…fine evening – the town. We’re very proud.

TUBBS SHOWS EDWARD THE PHOTOGRAPH.

TUBBS:
He’s looking for a boy.

EDWARD:
Poofter, eh? Little bummer boy! Come across your type before in the forces – you won’t catch me with my trousers down!

POLICEMAN:
Sir, I am here on police business. I found this boy’s wallet.

EDWARD:
Local boy?

TUBBS:
He’s not from our town.

EDWARD:
Ah…do we know his parents?

TUBBS:
I said we’d never seen him before. Did Tubbs do right?

EDWARD:
You did it beautifully, Tubbs. There’s your answer, sir. Never seen this…boy, before. Now, if you will excuse us…we’ve a shop to run.

THE POLICEMAN HAS SUSPICIONS ABOUT TUBBS AND EDWARD, BUT CANNOT BACK THEM UP WITH EVIDENCE. HE ACCEPTS THIS, AND PREPARES TO LEAVE.

POLICEMAN:
Yes, of course. Thank you for your co-operation. Good evening.

THE POLICEMAN IS ALMOST OUT THE DOOR.
TUBBS:
We didn’t burn him!

THE POLICEMAN AND EDWARD BOTH LOOK AT TUBBS.

POLICEMAN:
I beg your pardon?

SCENE 21. EXT. MOORS. NIGHT.

WE SEE THE SILHOUETTE OF THE LOCAL SHOP AGAINST THE SKYLINE. THERE IS ALSO A BONFIRE.

SCENE 22. EXT. MOORS. NIGHT.

TUBBS AND EDWARD STAND NEXT TO THE FLAMES, LOOKING INTO THE FIRE. EDWARD STEPS FORWARD AND TOSSES A POLICEMAN’S HELMET ONTO THE FIRE.

TUBBS:
Edward? Will more strangers come?

EDWARD:
Calm yourself, Tubbs. None shall come…

WE SEE A NEWSPAPER LYING IN THE FIRE. THE HEADLINE READS ‘NEW ROAD PLANNED – STRANGERS EXPECTED’.

END CREDITS.