Nightmare in Royston Vasey - Broadcast (25 Jan 99)
CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Edward Tattsyrup, Benjamin Denton, Sam
Chignell, Ross Gaines, Geoff Tipps, Bernice Woodall
MARK GATISS Lance Longthorne, Dr. Matthew Chinnery,
Val Denton, Hilary Briss, Mickey M.
Michaels, Brian Morgan
STEVE PEMBERTON Tubbs Tattsyrup, Mike Harris, Harvey
Denton, Maurice Evans, Pauline Campbell-Jones
WITH
DON ESTELLE
RICHARD GARDINER
FRANCES COX
PAUL HAYES MARSHALL
AMANDA LOCKETT
JOHN FLITCROFT
DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK
WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON
SCENE 1. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
A MAN WEARING THE UNIFORM OF A CONSTRUCTION COMPANY WALKS DOWN THE PATH TOWARDS THE LOCAL SHOP, LOOKING AT A MAP.
SCENE 2. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
MAN:
Hello?
THE MAN LOOKS AROUND THE SHOP FOR SOMEONE TO ASK DIRECTIONS, BUT SEES NOBODY. HE LOOKS AT THE SNOWSTORMS ON THE COUNTER, AND THEN SEES TUBBS PEERING AT HIM THROUGH A YELLOW TINTED GLASS BOWL.
Good morning.
TUBBS:
Yes?
MAN:
Sorry to disturb you, I wondered if I could pick your brains?
TUBBS GRABS HER HEAD AND BACKS AWAY.
TUBBS:
No, you can’t! I have a husband, you know!
MAN:
It’s just I’m a bit lost. I’m looking for Royston Vasey, but I can’t find it.
TUBBS LOOKS AT THE MAP THE MAN HAS. SHE HAS NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE.
TUBBS:
Lines and lines and lines and lines and lines!
MAN:
Yeah…
TUBBS:
What do they mean?
MAN:
They’re the roads. They connect you with other places.
TUBBS:
Local places?
MAN:
Well, no.
TUBBS SCREAMS LOUDLY, CAUSING THE MAN TO RUN FROM THE SHOP, HIS EARS BLEEDING. TUBBS FLICKS THROUGH THE MAP IN PANIC.
EDWARD (V.O):
Hello, hello, Tubbs? What’s going on?
EDWARD ENTERS FROM THE BACK OF THE SHOP. TUBBS HIDES THE MAP BEHIND HER BACK.
What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here.
TUBBS:
Umm…Tubbs have nightmare – about new road!
EDWARD CHUCKLES.
EDWARD:
How many more times, Tubbs? This is a local shop…hmm? For local people?
EDWARD WALKS AROUND IN FRONT OF THE COUNTER. TUBBS HIDES THE MAP UNDER THE COUNTER.
The strangers cannot force a road upon us, they simply would not dare. Now, put it from your mind!
JUST THEN, THE SHOP SHAKES AS IF THERE IS AN EARTH TREMOR.
TUBBS:
Edward!
EDWARD POINTS OUTSIDE. THEY BOTH EXIT.
SCENE 3. EXT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
A CONVOY OF FORKLIFT TRUCKS, DIGGERS ETC. DRIVE DOWN THE PATH PAST THE LOCAL SHOP AND INTO THE TOWN. EDWARD LOOKS ON IN HORROR, WHILE TUBBS TRIES TO SNATCH AT THEM AND MAKE THEM GO AWAY.
OPENING CREDITS – THE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES DRIVE DOWN THE HIGH STREET. A PHOTOGRAPHER, KEN SWEENEY, TRIES TO UNLOCK THE DOOR OF HIS SHOP. WE SEE SOME PHOTOS FOR SALE IN THE WINDOW, ALL BADLY TAKEN AND OUT OF FOCUS. A PLATE OF FRIED FOOD SITS ON A TABLE. A HAND ENTERS THE SHOT AND PLACES A FAKE DOG TURD AND A SEVERED FINGER ON IT. THIS IS LANCE LONGTHORNE, THE JOKE SHOP OWNER. MIKE HARRIS WALKS PAST A PUB WITH A SIGN OUTSIDE THAT READS ‘LIVE RUGBY ALL DAY’. AS HE PASSES, A RUGBY BALL FLIES OUT THE DOOR AND HE CATCHES IT. A RUGBY PLAYER EXITS THE PUB, TAKES THE BALL FROM HIM, AND GOES BACK IN. WE SEE A LEAFLET ON THE FLOOR THAT READS ‘LOST – CLASS 2B’.
SCENE 4. INT. DR CHINNERY’S SURGERY. DAY.
DR. CHINNERY AND AN ELDERLY LADY, ANNIE RAINS, STAND LOOKING AT A TORTOISE ON THE EXAMINATION TABLE.
ANNIE:
He’s hardly touched his lettuce in weeks, Mr Chinnery.
DR. CHINNERY LEANS TOWARDS THE TORTOISE.
DR CHINNERY:
Hello…hmm, he does look a little peaky.
HE PRODS THE TORTOISE WITH A WOODEN SPATULA.
Ah, yes…It’s a particular form of pernicious anaemia which affects the chelonian family. If we had more time, I’d suggest an iron rich diet, but it’s quite serious, I’m afraid.
ANNIE:
Oh, dear…
DR. CHINNERY:
The best thing we can do is to oxygenate his blood immediately.
HE PICKS UP WHAT LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF PUMP.
ANNIE:
Oh, what’s that?
DR. CHINNERY:
Compressed air. Basically, a short, concentrated blast should perk him up a bit. I’ll just put this funnel over his little head…
HE ATTACHES THE NOZZLE TO THE TORTOISE.
…and I wonder if you’d be so good as to twist that little knob there.
HE NODS TO THE GAUGE ON THE AIR TANK. ANNIE TURNS THE DIAL A LITTLE.
That’s it. A little more, Mrs Rains.
ANNIE:
Are you sure?
DR. CHINNERY:
Yes…
SHE TURNS THE DIAL A LITTLE MORE.
And a little more – we can afford to be quite bold.
SHE TURNS THE DIAL RIGHT UP. THE PRESSURE GAUGE GOES INTO THE RED, AND SUDDENLY THE TORTOISE SEEMS TO EXPLODE OUT OF IT’S SHELL AND CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW. DR. CHINNERY IS LEFT HOLDING ONTO THE SMOKING SHELL OF THE TORTOISE.
Oh dear…was he very old?
SCENE 5. EXT. STREET. DAY.
BARBARA’S TAXI IS PARKED OUTSIDE THE SURGERY. WE SEE THE SMASHED WINDOW WHERE THE TORTOISE FLEW OUT, AND THEN SEE THE TORTOISE HAS COME TO REST ON THE BACK OF THE TAXI.
SCENE 6. INT. BARBARA’S TAXI, DAY.
BARBARA:
They offered me a C cup or a D cup, but with my shoulders, I don’t think a C would look owt on me. Besides, I want something in silk, French silk, something expensive. I find that nylon chafes my nipples, you know.
THE TAXI DRIVES OFF DOWN THE STREET.
SCENE 7. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
HARVEY AND VAL SIT AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE IN THEIR DRESSING GOWNS. HARVEY CHECKS HIS WATCH. BENJAMIN ENTERS.
BENJAMIN:
Morning Uncle Harvey.
HARVEY:
Morning.
BENJAMIN:
Good morning, Auntie Val.
VAL:
Morning, Benjamin. Please join us at table.
BENJAMIN SITS DOWN AND BEGINS BUTTERING SOME TOAST.
We haven’t broken our fast yet, we’ve been waiting for you.
BENJAMIN:
Oh…
HARVEY:
Yes, we’ve been waiting since 6.15, actually. In this house we usually rise at a reasonable hour.
BENJAMIN:
Oh, it’s just that when you said I could get up when I liked, I thought it would be alright.
HARVEY:
It’s not a problem, Benjamin – don’t make an issue of it!
BENJAMIN:
Still haven’t met Martin…I’m a bit stuck.
HARVEY:
Maybe people get up this late in your house, I don’t know!
VAL:
We like to think of the morning as the better part of the day…
HARVEY:
Perhaps you’re a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread-eagled on pillows, forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm. I just don’t know…
BENJAMIN:
It’s only a quarter past nine.
HARVEY:
And already a third of the morning is gone, dissolved into the ether!
BENJAMIN:
Yes, but…
HARVEY:
Never mind! Never mind…
VAL:
Well. I don’t know about you, Benjamin, but we like to start the day with a glass of fresh aqua vitae. Would you care to join us?
BENJAMIN:
Yes, mineral water will be fine.
HARVEY CHUCKLES.
HARVEY:
No, no…not mineral water. Aqua vitae…aqua vitae!
VAL:
The water of life!
HARVEY:
It really is the perfect way to set your body up for the day – full of nitrates and enzymes…a natural antibiotic. Auntie Val will fetch you a glass, you can fill it now if you like…
BENJAMIN:
I’m sorry?
HARVEY:
Fill it with your own feculence as we do.
BENJAMIN:
Fill it with my fec –
HARVEY:
Micturate, Benjamin, micturate…pass water.
BENJAMIN:
You want me to piss into a glass?
HARVEY GETS UP AND STANDS BEHIND BENJAMIN.
VAL:
It’s an aid to digestion and so good for the skin!
HARVEY:
Come on, come on. On your feet! One mustn’t be ashamed of one’s bodily functions!
HE BUSTLES BENJAMIN TO HIS FEET.
BENJAMIN:
I don’t think I want to!
HARVEY:
Come on, let’s get the little fireman out…
HARVEY UNDOES BENJAMIN’S DRESSING GOWN. VAL SHRIEKS IN DELIGHT.
Now, Val…if you’d like to place the glass thusly…
SHE KNEELS AND HOLDS THE GLASS READY FOR BENJAMIN TO RELIEVE HIMSELF.
All you have to do is just let yourself go.
BENJAMIN IS HAVING SOME TROUBLE. HARVEY LEANS INTO HIS EAR, AS IF LETTING HIM IN ON A SECRET.
In this house, we think of a dripping tap or a babbling brook…
VAL:
Just let it flow!
BENJAMIN:
No, I can’t!
HE PULLS AWAY AND SITS DOWN.
VAL:
Do you want a bigger glass?
BENJAMIN:
No! It’s got nothing to do with the size, I don’t want to, alright?
VAL BEGINS SOBBING. HARVEY LOOKS ANNOYED.
HARVEY:
Oh dear. It seems Benjamin thinks there’s something odd in drinking one’s own pee wee. Something unnatural?
BENJAMIN:
Yes, I do!
HARVEY:
Well there are plenty of precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise.
HE WALKS ROUND TO BENJAMIN AND HANDS HIM HIS GLASS.
My toads, for example, will consume almost three times their own volume in urine every day.
SUDDENLY, HE TAKES HOLD OF HIS PENIS AND STARTS URINATING INTO THE GLASS THAT BENJAMIN IS HOLDING. BENJAMIN REACTS AND TRIES TO CATCH ALL THE URINE IN THE GLASS WITHOUT SPILLING ANY.
Perhaps you will not return in his wisdom…What is good enough for him is not so for you? Father toad has been on this Earth since the dawn of time, millions of years before man saw fit to scratch out the back of their latrines…and I daresay he and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own petty species…
HARVEY FINISHES URINATING AND ADJUSTS HIMSELF. HE GRABS THE NOW ¾ FULL GLASS OF URINE AND RAISES IT AS IF MAKING A TOAST.
So join me then, and drink, so we may become more like him and his batrachian friends!
HARVEY DOWNS THE URINE. BENJAMIN LOOKS ON, DISGUSTED. HARVEY TURNS AND STARES AT BENJAMIN.
VAL:
Or would you prefer tea?
SCENE 8. EXT. ROUNDABOUT. DAY.
A ZOOKEEPER, SITS AT THE ROUNDABOUT NEXT TO A SIGN THAT READS ‘ADMISSION - £2.50’.
ZOOKEEPER:
Two pound fifty please, for the roundabout zoo?
A CAR DRIVES PAST AND WE SEE THE MAN HAS SET UP A ZOO, CONTAINING A MONKEY, A SHEEP AND A GOAT. AS SOME DIGGERS APPROACH, HE GETS UP AND STOPS ONE OF THEM BY WAVING HIM DOWN.
Two pound fifty? The roundabout…
A SIGN ABOVE THE ROUNDABOUT READS ‘ROYSTON VASEY ROUNDABOUT ZOO – NATURES WONDERS IN THE HEART OF TOWN’. THE DRIVER OF THE DIGGER PAYS THE ZOOKEEPER.
DRIVER:
Thanks, mate.
HE DRIVES OFF.
ZOOKEEPER:
But you get a sticker!
SCENE 9. EXT. BUTCHER’S SHOP. DAY.
AN ELDERLY MAN, MAURICE EVANS, ENTERS THE SHOP.
SCENE 10. INT. BUTCHER’S SHOP. DAY.
SAM CHIGNELL AND HILARY BRISS ARE HAVING A LAUGH OVER SOMETHING.
MAURICE:
Alright, Samuel? Hilary? These road fellers aren’t wasting much time, are they? Now are you still on for this afternoon? I booked the table for one.
HILARY:
I’ll be there!
MAURICE GOES TO LEAVE.
Oh, and Maurice…
MAURICE:
Aye?
HILARY:
I’ve had a…special delivery.
HILARY LICKS HIS LIPS.
MAURICE:
No, Hilary. I’ve told you, I’m not interested!
MAURICE EXITS. HILARY SHRUGS.
SAM:
He’ll come round.
SCENE 11. EXT. STREET. DAY.
BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES UP THE STREET.
BARBARA (V.O):
I even thought about going to Casablanca to have it done, but…I’d have been butchered. It happened to a friend of mine, Julia. Besides, I’m not supposed to fly after the implants – there’s a danger of the bust imploding.
WE SEE THE DEAD TORTOISE IS STILL ON THE BOOT OF THE TAXI. AS THE TAXI PASSES OVER A SPEED BUMP, THE TORTOISE IS THROWN OFF AND INTO A WINDOW CLEANER’S BUCKET.
WINDOW CLEANER:
Alright, Barbara?
SCENE 12. INT. RESTART COURSE. DAY.
PAULINE:
Okey cokey, pig in a pokey! Good morning, job seekers! Now then. It’s been brought to my attention that certain of the gents on my restart have been taking the pens home with them.
PAULINE PICKS UP HER SHOEBOX OF PENS AND WALKS AMONGST THE GROUP.
Hmm! Stealing the pens! Pauline’s pens! So I warn you now – if it happens again I shall start chaining them to the tables…AND the pens!
NOBODY LAUGHS AT HER JOKE, BUT MICKEY SMILES.
That was a joke, Ross. Don’t crack your face, will you? Now then, job seekers. We’re thinking today…do you remember about interview technique? Hmm? And what I want to do first is a little role play, so if you want to make some space?
NOBODY MOVES.
Well come on, chop, chop!
AS THE MEN MOVE INTO A BETTER POSITION, ROSS APPROACHES PAULINE.
ROSS:
Pauline, when are we going to get on the computers and learn about spreadsheets, databases, something practical?
PAULINE:
Piss off, Ross.
ROSS SITS BACK DOWN, DEJECTED.
Right, thank you, job seekers! Now then, in this role play, I am going to be playing an employer, and I’m interviewing…Mickey here for a job.
MICKEY:
What job?
PAULINE:
It’s shoving trolleys at Asda car park, Mickey, love. I know its out of your league – but we’re only playing. So come on, I really want to see you sell yourself!
MICKEY TAKES A SEAT AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM NEXT TO PAULINE.
MICKEY:
My name is Mickey!
PAULINE:
Oh, good morning, Mr. Mickey. Can you tell me what your last job?
MICKEY:
Milk monitor!
PAULINE:
And what qualifications do you have?
MICKEY:
I’m a good swimmer.
PAULINE:
Uh-huh…and what other work have you done apart from milk monitor?
MICKEY:
Bugger all!
PAULINE:
Language, Mickey!
MICKEY:
What?
PAULINE:
Watch your language!
MICKEY:
English!
PAULINE:
No, WATCH…oh, never mind. Thank you very much, we’ll let you know!
MICKEY:
Thanks, did I win?
PAULINE:
Yeah, you did super, love.
MICKEY GOES AND SITS DOWN.
Right, thank you, Mickey. That was a perfect example, everybody, of how NOT to conduct yourself at interview! He slouched, he swore, he generally came across as a man who had shit for brains, didn’t you cherub?
MICKEY NODS, NOT REALISING PAULINE IS CRITICISING HIM.
Right, job seekers. What I’m going to do is, I’m going to show you the right way. Hmm? I want somebody in this room to interview me. Any takers?
THERE AREN’T ANY.
Well, you disappoint me.
ROSS:
I’ll do it.
PAULINE STOPS DEAD.
PAULINE:
Ross…well, thank you very much. In your own time.
ROSS APPROACHES THE FRONT OF THE ROOM.
ROSS:
Can I have the clipboard please, Pauline?
PAULINE:
Yeah, yeah, you can.
ROSS:
And the pen?
PAULINE LOOKS AT HIM WARILY AND HOLDS OUT THE PEN.
PAULINE:
Be very careful with it…
SHE GIVES IT TO HIM.
PAULINE:
Ooh, I feel all naked!
ROSS:
I’m glad you’re not.
PAULINE:
What?
ROSS:
In your own time.
ROSS SITS DOWN. PAULINE PSYCHES HERSELF UP AND RELAXES. SHE MIMES KNOCKING ON A DOOR. ROSS DOESN’T REACT. SHE MIMES AGAIN.
The door was already open.
PAULINE MIMES COMING INTO THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN.
Would you like to take a seat?
PAULINE:
Oh, yes, I’m sorry. Ross is quite right.
PAULINE STANDS.
You’re in the driving seat now.
ROSS CLICKS THE PEN.
ROSS:
I know.
SCENE 13. EXT. STREET. DAY.
GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN WALK DOWN AN ALLEY AND ONTO THE MAIN ROAD, TOWARDS A PUB. AT THE SAME TIME, SOME WORKMEN EXIT A BUILDING AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO IT.
GEOFF:
I’m getting these, Mike. We’re celebrating.
MIKE:
Oh, thank you, Geoff!
BRIAN:
So have you set a date yet, Mike?
MIKE:
No, Cheryl’s got to speak to her parents, but it’s going to be quite soon.
GEOFF:
Quick, or these will get in before us.
SCENE 14. INT. PUB. DAY.
MIKE, GEOFF AND BRIAN ENTER.
MIKE:
Right…pint please, Geoff.
GEOFF:
Right, Brian?
BRIAN:
Just a coke, please, Geoff.
GEOFF:
Eh?
BRIAN:
Er…lager. Will you have a church do, or…?
MIKE:
To be honest…
GEOFF WALKS OVER.
GEOFF:
Oh, never mind all that. That’s the woman’s job. First thing you’ve got to do, is sort out your best man.
MIKE:
God, I haven’t thought that far ahead to be honest!
GEOFF:
Well, it’s got to be one of us two, hasn’t it? You haven’t got any other friends!
MIKE:
Thank you very much!
BRIAN:
We’ll have to draw straws for it, Geoff.
GEOFF:
Eh?
A WAITER BRINGS THE DRINKS OVER.
BRIAN:
We’ll have to draw straws or toss a coin or something.
GEOFF:
Oh, you’ve got it all planned out have you?
BRIAN:
No…
GEOFF:
Well keep your nose out, then. Mike’s my friend more than yours, aren’t you, Mike?
MIKE:
There’s not a lot in it to be honest, Geoff.
BRIAN CHUCKLES GOOD HUMOUREDLY.
GEOFF:
Brian said Cheryl looks like a moose.
BRIAN AND MIKE STOP DRINKING. MIKE LOOKS AT BRIAN.
He said “I can’t believe he’s marrying that old moose”.
BRIAN:
I never said that, Mike. Geoff did.
GEOFF:
No, I said she looks about a hundred years old, I didn’t say she looked like a moose.
MIKE SLAMS HIS DRINK DOWN AND STORMS OFF.
BRIAN:
Oh, Geoff, you idiot.
GEOFF:
You’re right, Brian. We will have to toss for it.
HE TAKES A SIP OF HIS PINT.
SCENE 14. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE. DAY.
EDWARD LOOKS AT THE CONSTRUCTION SITE THROUGH A PAIR OF BINOCULARS.
SCENE 15. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
EDWARD:
Tubbs! … Tubbs?
REALISING WHERE TUBBS MIGHT BE, EDWARD PUTS THE BINOCULARS DOWN ON A SHELF.
Oh, Tubbs…
HE EXITS.
SCENE 16. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
TUBBS SITS IN A CAVE, EATING A SANDWICH WITH HAIR IN IT. SHE IS READING THE MAP THAT THE WORKMAN HAD EARLIER.
TUBBS:
Lon-don!
SHE SHAKES A SNOWSTORM WITH A LONDON SCENE IN IT.
Lon-don! London…
EDWARD HAS APPEARED IN TE CAVE BEHIND HER.
EDWARD:
Give it to me, Tubbs.
EDWARD STORMS FORWARDS AND GRABS THE MAP OFF HER.
TUBBS:
No!
EDWARD RIPS A PAGE OUT AND WALKS BACK TO THE SHOP.
TUBBS:
You lied to me, Edward!
SCENE 17. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
EDWARD RIPS MORE PAGES OUT OF THE MAP BOOK. TUBBS CRIES.
TUBBS:
You lied to me…There is a Swansea!
EDWARD:
Nonsense!
TUBBS:
And other places too!
SHE PICKS UP THE PAGES THAT EDWARD RIPPED OUT.
You kept them from me!
EDWARD:
Yes! I kept them from you to keep you clean and pure and local!
TUBBS:
What about new road?
EDWARD:
What about it?
TUBBS:
When new road comes, we can see these places. We can go!
EDWARD:
Go where?
TUBBS LOOKS AT ONE OF THE PAGES SHE IS READING.
TUBBS:
Plymouth?
EDWARD GRABS A SHOVEL FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND WALKS TOWARDS TUBBS. SHE BACKS AWAY, FEARING HE IS GOING TO HIT HER WITH IT.
EDWARD:
I’m going to stop your road, Tubbs. Once and for all!
HE EXITS THE SHOP.
SCENE 18. EXT. JOKE SHOP. DAY.
THE WINDOW CLEANER IS WASHING THE WINDOWS. HE LOOKS AT SOME RED MARKS ON THE WINDOW AND REALISES HE HAS BEEN USING THE DEAD TORTOISE TO ‘CLEAN’ THE WINDOWS. HE SHOUTS IN HORROR AND THROWS IT OVER HIS SHOULDER, WHERE IT LANDS IN A WOMAN’S PRAM.
SCENE 19. INT. JOKE SHOP. DAY.
A WORKMAN FROM THE CONSTRUCTION SITE BROWSES IN THE SMALL SHOP. HE NODS AT LANCE, THE OWNER, WHO STARES AT HIM WARILY.
LANCE:
Yes, pal? Can I help?
WORKMAN:
Oh, I’m just browsing.
LANCE:
Sorry, chief. Didn’t catch that.
WORKMAN:
I’m just looking around.
LANCE:
Straight out the door, turn right up the high street.
WORKMAN:
I’m sorry?
LANCE:
That’s the way to the bloody library, alright?
WORKMAN:
Isn’t this the joke shop?
LANCE:
Two pairs of plastic tits in the window, a jar of fart sweets on the counter – no mate, it’s the bloody butchers. Jesus! Yes, this is the joke shop, shop being the key word.
So if you’ve come here to laugh at the bumper stickers and the wind up willies, you can sod off out of here now, alright?
WORKMAN:
No, I am going to make a purchase.
LANCE:
Well…whoopy shit. What is it, stag night, is it?
WORKMAN:
What?
LANCE:
You got a stag night coming up? Want something saucy? Come here, I got just the thing.
LANCE PULLS A BAG OF SOMETHING FROM BELOW THE COUNTER.
Look at that.
WORKMAN:
What is it?
LANCE:
Put it in the groom’s undies the night before the wedding. Gives him crabs!
HE LAUGHS SADISTICALLY.
Bloody crab’s eggs, isn’t it? Hatch out in his bush overnight, next day he’s stood at the altar, missus next to him, all he can think about is scratching his bleeding jewels ‘cos they’re crawling with bleeding crabs! Four pound fifty.
WORKMAN:
What?
LANCE:
Alright, four quid.
WORKMAN:
No, no. I’m looking for something more specific.
LANCE:
Oh.
HE REACHES UNDER THE COUNTER AGAIN, AND PULLS OUT ANOTHER BAG.
What about these?
WORKMAN:
What are they?
LANCE:
Hot sweets. Give them to the best man before he makes his speech.
WORKMAN:
Hot sweets, eh? What’s in them, pepper?
LANCE:
Potassium. Burns the roof of his mouth off, and his tongue, never talk again.
WORKMAN:
No, no. It’s not the kind of thing I’m after.
LANCE:
Alright, hold your horses, squire. I know I’ve got something for you. What about this?
HE PULLS OUT A SMALL BOTTLE.
Couple of drops in the bride’s champagne, she’ll piss herself.
WORKMAN:
What’s so funny about it?
LANCE:
Oh, it don’t make her laugh. She pisses herself – can’t stop pissing. It’s a sort of muscle relaxant. I got a mate who works for a drugs company, he knocks it up himself. Sixteen quid.
Here…put your hand in there.
HE INDICATES A BLACK TUBE WITH SHAPES GLUED TO THE OUTSIDE. THE WORKMAN SEEMS CAUTIOUS.
WORKMAN:
What’s in it?
LANCE:
Go on chief, it ain’t going to bleeding bite you.
WORKMAN:
No thanks.
LANCE CHIDES THE WORKMAN.
LANCE:
Put your hand in.
WORKMAN:
I don’t want to.
LANCE WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR, BLOCKING THE MAN’S EXIT.
LANCE:
You’re not leaving this shop until you do.
WORKMAN:
What?
LANCE:
I’m not joking. You’re not leaving this bleeding shop until you put your hand in that bleeding tube.
WORKMAN:
Please!
LANCE SPEAKS MORE FORCEFULLY.
LANCE:
Put…your…hand…in.
TENTATIVELY, THE WORKMAN DIPS HIS HAND IN. AFTER NOTHING HAPPENS, HE SIGHS.
LANCE:
Oh, it’s not switched on…
HE PRESSES A SWITCH, CAUSING AN ELECTRIC CURRENT TO SHOCK THE WORKMAN. HE SHOUTS IN PAIN. LANCE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.
It’s good that, isn’t it? Runs off a car battery, you can’t buy them!
THE WORKMAN ESCAPES, NURSING HIS INJURED HAND.
Jesus…some people ain’t got no sense of humour.
GEOFF ENTERS THE SHOP.
Yes, pal. Can I help you? Stag night, is it?
GEOFF:
Er…yeah.
SCENE 20. INT. CHURCH. DAY.
THE REVERAND, BERNICE WOODALL, CONDUCTS A SERVICE. THERE IS ABOUT FIVE PEOPLE IN THE CONGREGATION. SHE SEEMS TO HATE PREACHING, AND LOOKS MISERABLE WHEN THE CONGREGATION DON’T RESPOND WITH ENTHUSIASM.
BERNICE:
And lo, the scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he finally saw the true light, the way unto the Lord! At least that’s what it says here…Lord, I am tired. Well, so much for the road to Damascus, what about the road to Royston Vasey we’re finally getting? Hallelujah!
Let’s just hope we don’t get a visit from Pog or Loopy, those soap dodging road protesters! Driving round in their converted ice cream vans…pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, pierced tongues…I bet they’d have their arseholes pierced, if they could get their cheeks into the machine! If I had my way, I’d shepherd them all into one of their tunnels knock out all the pit props and see how they like being close to the earth then! Well I welcome this road, and every blast of carbon monoxide it brings. If God had meant us to walk everywhere, he wouldn’t have given us Little Chefs! Hymn number 143 – ‘Drive Them Unto Me, Thy Saviour”.
AN OLD MAN IN THE CONGREGATION FALLS ASLEEP.
SCENE 21. INT. SNOOKER HALL. DAY.
HILARY BRISS TAKES A SHOT. HE IS PLAYING MAURICE.
MAURICE:
Hmm…shot, Hilary!
HILARY:
It’s a long time since my championship days, but I’ve not lost my touch.
MAURICE:
It’s good to see all this activity on the road front, isn’t it? Makes quite a change, someone listening to the voice of the small businessman.
HILARY:
Not before time, Maurice, not before time.
MAURICE CHUCKLES AS HE POTS A RED.
Have you thought anymore about what I said?
MAURICE:
Hilary…not here, not now.
HILARY:
Now is as good a time as any.
MAURICE:
For God’s sake Hilary…I’m a magistrate!
HILARY:
So what? There are all sorts on my list. Ex-mayors, chief constables…
MAURICE:
I’m not interested.
AS MAURICE LINES UP TO TAKE ANOTHER SHOT, HILARY DUMPS A PLASTIC BAG FULL OF SOMETHING ON THE TABLE.
HILARY:
Go on…give it a go.
MAURICE:
Hilary…put it away…please!
HILARY:
I’m not touching it. It’s yours!
MAURICE:
Hilary!
MAURICE HEARS FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING, GRABS THE BAG AND STUFFS IT DOWN HIS JUMPER.
HILARY:
Wasn’t so difficult, was it? Tell you what. That one’s on me. Just let me know how you get on.
HILARY TAKES A SHOT AT A GREEN BALL, LAUGHING DELIGHTEDLY WHEN IT GOES IN.
SCENE 22. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
EDWARD WALKS BACK ACROSS THE MOORS. HE HAS A SHOVEL OVER HIS SHOULDER AND IS COVERED IN BLOOD. HE STOPS TO ADJUST HIS GLASSES, AND SMILES TO HIMSELF.
SCENE 23. INT. RESTART COURSE. DAY.
ROSS IS INTERVIEWING PAULINE FOR THE EXERCISE.
ROSS:
And you’re interested in the trolley job?
PAULINE:
Er, that is right. I’m very interested, yes. I feel that my ability to work well as part of a team, and yet to take individual responsibility, are important factors in a job of this nature.
SHE WINKS AT THE REST OF THE GROUP, SHOWING OFF. MICKEY SMILES.
ROSS:
What work experience do you have?
PAULINE:
I left school early and started to work…
ROSS:
Oh, so you didn’t go to college?
PAULINE:
No, I’ve had actual work experience…
ROSS:
So you have no qualifications?
PAULINE:
Well if you don’t count twenty years in the employment service…
ROSS:
Well, no, no I don’t. I’m talking about academic achievement – degrees, diplomas…
PAULINE:
Oh, come off it Ross! Shoving trolleys round Asda car park? A frigging monkey could do it!
ROSS ROLLS HIS EYES AND PURSUES A NEW LINE OF QUESTIONING.
ROSS:
Would you say you’re a fairly egregious person?
PAULINE:
What?
IT’S OBVIOUS SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT THIS WORD MEANS.
ROSS:
Are you an egregious person? Do you have an egregious personality?
PAULINE:
Erm…yeah, yeah I do.
ROSS:
Alright, I’m going to say some other words to you now, and I want you to reply wth the first thing that comes into your head, alright?
PAULINE:
Alright.
ROSS:
Home.
PAULINE:
Royston Vasey.
ROSS:
Family?
PAULINE:
Dead.
ROSS:
Friends.
PAULINE:
Pens.
ROSS:
No, friends!
PAULINE:
Pens! They’re the best friend you can have! Everything I know about people, I leant from pens. If they don’t work, you shake them. If they still don’t work – you chuck them away, bin them!
ROSS:
Really…Work.
PAULINE:
Everything. My work is everything to me.
ROSS:
Love.
PAULINE:
No. Somebody once, but…
ROSS:
And can I get your age, please, Pauline?
PAULINE:
I think that’s a lady’s prerogative!
ROSS:
I need to know how old you are for the records…
PAULINE:
Well let’s just say I’m as old as my gums…
ROSS:
How old are you?
PAULINE GIVES IN.
PAULINE:
Forty eight!
ROSS:
Right, thanks for coming to see us today.
PAULINE STANDS.
PAULINE:
Thank you very much, when do I start?
ROSS:
Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t offer you this position.
PAULINE:
You what?
ROSS:
You failed the interview. You strike me as a bully. You’re ill-mannered, ignorant and foul mouthed. You’re not qualified for this job, and apart from anything else…you’re too old, Miss. Sorry.
PAULINE LOOKS CRUSHED.
PAULINE:
But I can…
ROSS LOOKS AWAY, IGNORING HER. SHE SLOWLY GETS TO HER FEET, UNSTEADILY. THEN, REMEMBERING IT’S A ROLEPLAY, BRIGHTENS UP.
Good! Thank you very much. I feel that Ross handled that situation very well…can I have my things back?
HE GIVES THEM TO HER.
Yeah, although it did make me wonder how well he’d handle a situation more like this…
SHE TURNS AND SMACKS ROSS IN THE FACE WITH A BRUTAL STRIKE OF HER CLIPBOARD. ROSS WRITHES IN PAIN.
Eh? Ooh, a bully am I? Foul fucking mouthed? Now, you’ll eat those words…
SHE RIPS A SHEET OF PAPER OFF THE CLIPBOARD AND BEGINS STUFFING IT DOWN ROSS’ THROAT.
Egregious! Egregious! Egregious! Are you listening…?
MICKEY GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT.
MICKEY:
Stop it, Pauline! Stop it, you nutter!
PAULINE STOPS AND TURNS TO FACE MICKEY, WONDERING IF SHE REALLY IS MAD.
PAULINE:
Oh, Mickey…what IS egregious?
MICKEY THINKS BUT DOESN’T KNOW EITHER.
SCENE 24. EXT. INDUSTRIAL ESTATE. DAY.
A WOMAN PUSHES A PRAM ACROSS THE ESTATE. HER BABY CRIES.
SCENE 25. INT. MEN’S TOILETS. DAY.
MIKE SITS ON THE LOO READING A JOHN GRISHAM NOVEL. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
MIKE:
Hello?
THERE IS MORE KNOCKING.
MIKE:
Who is it?
GEOFF (V.O):
Mike…it’s me, Geoff.
WE SEE GEOFF IS STANDING OUTSIDE THE CUBICLE MIKE IS IN.
MIKE:
What do you want, Geoff?
GEOFF:
What you doing?
MIKE:
I’m on the toilet.
GEOFF:
You haven’t got Brian in there, have you?
MIKE:
What?
GEOFF:
Look, I’ve come to apologise. I’ve brung you an engagement present.
WE SEE GEOFF HAS A BOX WITH HIM, LYING ON THE FLOOR.
MIKE:
Oh…
GEOFF:
Yeah, I’m really sorry for what I said.
THE TOILET FLUSHES.
I’m happy for you. I love that Cheryl. I don’t fancy her, she’s really old looking. But you do, and that’s the point.
MIKE EXITS THE CUBICLE, CROSSING TO THE SINK.
So…if you need anyone in the future, maybe…
MIKE:
Yes, Geoff…
GEOFF:
What?
MIKE:
Yes, you can be my best man.
GEOFF LAUGHS.
GEOFF:
Oh, yes! I can’t wait to tell Brian!
MIKE:
Alright, alright. So what’s this present you’ve got me then?
GEOFF:
Oh yeah.
HE REACHES INTO THE BOX AND BRINGS OUT A BLACK TUBE WITH SHAPES STUCK ON THE SIDES. IT’S THE SAME ONE THAT LANCE ELECTROCUTED THE WORKMAN WITH IN THE JOKE SHOP.
Stick your hand in there!
SCENE 26. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE. NIGHT.
IT IS RAINING HEAVILY. WORK IS CONTINUING ON DIGGING. A WORKMAN OVERSEES IT, BUT HIS FACE DROPS AS HE SEES SOMETHING APPEAR. HE INDICATES TO THE DIGGER OPERATOR.
WORKMAN:
Stop! Stop the machine!
THE WORKMAN HAS A CLOSER LOOK AT WHAT HAS BEEN REVEALED.
Take her up!
SLOWLY, THE DIGGER OPERATOR BRINGS THE DIGGING CLAW UP. ATTACHED TO IT IS A CHAIN, WHICH IN TURN PULLS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A CRUCIFIX OUT OF THE GROUND. IMPALED ON IT IS A TERRIBLE HORNED CREATURE.
WORKMAN:
What the hell is that!?
EDWARD IS ILLUMINATED BY A FLASH OF LIGHTNING LURKING NEARBY, LAUGHING AS THE WORKMEN PACK UP AND LEAVE THE CONSTRUCTION SITE IN TERROR.
END CREDITS. |
