Lust For Royston Vasey - Broadcast (21 Jan 00)
REECE SHEARSMITH Reverend Bernice Woodall, Edward Tattsyrup, Ross Gaines, Dr. Fish, Benjamin
Denton, Mr. Hart
MARK GATISS Iris Krell, Haig, Alvin Steele, Mickey M.
Michaels, Mr. Bamford, Val Denton,
Al, Dr. Chinnery
STEVE PEMBERTON Herr Lipp, Tubbs Tattsyrup, Pauline
Campbell-Jones, Dr. Wesley, Harvey
MEGAN AND ROSIE DE WOLFE
GLOSSOPDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
SCENE 1. EXT. WASTELAND. DAY.
AN ICE CREAM VAN STANDS, STATIONARY. A YOUNG BOY RUNS OVER TO IT.
Can I have a cornet, please?
ICE CREAM SELLER:
Right-o. That’ll be 80p, please. Thank you.
HE HANDS THE BOY AN ICE CREAM WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE STRAWBERRY SAUCE ON IT. THE BOY LICKS IT AND REACTS.
I didn’t ask for sauce!
ICE CREAM SELLER:
I didn’t put sauce on.
WE SEE THE ICE CREAM SELLER HAS A NOSEBLEED.
OPENING TITLES – THE ICE CREAM VAN DRIVES DOWN THE MAIN ROAD. IRIS WALKS ALONG AND PULLS HER SKIRT OUT OF HER KNICKERS. A WOMAN USHERS A MAN OUT OF A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT CALLED ‘BURGER ME’. HE CARRIES A STOUT POLE. A SIGN IN THE WINDOW SAYS ‘STAFF WANTED’. THE WOMAN INDICATES TO THE MAN THAT THEY DON’T WANT THIS KIND OF STAFF. A MAN STEALS A WHEEL OFF A BICYCLE CHAINED TO A BOLLARD. JUST DOWN THE ROAD, A WOMAN STEALS A WHEEL OFF A WHEELCHAIR THAT AN OLD MAN IS SAT IN. WE SEE THE REVEREND BERNICE WOODALL IN A TATTOO PARLOUR. SHE HAS THE WORDS ‘LOVE’ AND ‘HATE’ ON HER KNUCKLES. A MAN GIVES A WOMAN A LEAFLET THAT READS ‘EARN ££££ IN YOUR SPARE TIME BODY SNATCHING’.
SCENE 2. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. DAY.
A COACH DRIVES ALONG THE ROAD INTO ROYSTON VASEY.
GERMAN MAN (V.O):
OK, guten morgen, kinder, und wilkommen ins England!
SCENE 3. INT. COACH. DAY.
A MAN, HERR LIPP, A GERMAN EXCHANGE TEACHER, IS SPEAKING TO A COACH OF STUDENTS THROUGH A MICROPHONE.
Hi! Welcome to England. My name ist Herr Lipp, and I may enjoy you to an exchange visit to the lovely town of Royston Vasey! As you can know, I am now speaking to you in English, so you may have some worries of knowing me. Ja, in so fact, I was in England since…twelve years ago! Jesus Christ! I stayed in the lovely town of Derby with the two teachers, Mr and Mrs Norris. Oh they were very nice…beard and some moustaches. I still have a towel of theirs…it’s blue…Alles klar! So, I hope you all have a real good treat of Royston Vasey. And please, if you don’t understand any of my sayings, come to me in private and I shall take you in my German mouth. Alles klar? Gut…Alles klar.
SCENE 4. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
A MAN, HAIG, AND HIS MOTHER, SIT PAINTING THE LANDSCAPE.
This sky is so beautiful. Keeps changing all the time. How are you doing?
HAIG’S MOTHER’S PAINTING IS QUITE GOOD, BUT HAIG HAS SIMPLY PAINTED A CHILDLIKE GREEN GROUND AND BLUE SKY, WITH A HUGE YELLOW SUN ON IT.
Fine…actually, Mother, I think I’ll pop down to that little shop, get a can of Coke or something.
HE GETS UP AND WALKS OFF TOWARDS THE LOCAL SHOP.
Don’t be too long, darling. You’ll miss the light!
Wouldn’t want to miss the light (!)
HE REACHES THE DOOR, ONLY TO FIND IT LOCKED. HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.
FROM THE UPSTAIRS WINDOW, A CLAWED HAND DRAWS BACK THE CURTAIN.
HAIG GOES AROUND THE BACK OF THE SHOP, WHERE HE FINDS TUBBS SUCKING A WORM UP FROM A BASKET OF CHICKS. HAIG FROWNS WITH DISGUST AS HE SEES HER CONSUME THE WORM.
Can I help you at all?
I wanted to buy a can of Coke.
I can I can’t?
A can of Coke.
I can I can’t!
You are a shop, aren’t you?
No. I am a lady!
SHE INDICATES HER BREASTS.
This is a shop…
No, you misunderstand me.
It is a local shop for local people…there’s nothing for you here!
SHE PUTS THE BASKET DOWN AS SHE APPROACHES HIM, WARDING HIM OFF.
I see. No problem!
HE GOES TO LEAVE. TUBBS SEES RED ON HIS FINGER.
Oh…are you cut-cut?
No, it’s just paint.
Give it to Tubbs?
SHE GRABS HIS FINGER AND STARTS SUCKING IT.
No, really, there’s no need!
JUST THEN, EDWARD FLINGS THE BACK DOOR OF THE SHOP OPEN. HE WEARS A BLOODSTAINED APRON AND HOLDS A MEAT CLEAVER.
Hello, hello, Tubbs? What’s going on? We’ll have no trouble here!
I just came in for a can of Coke.
I can I can’t?
He wants to paint me naked!
Is he local?
Look here, this is a decent town and a local shop! We don’t want…nudes here.
No, we’re doing a landscape up there. We just came here to try and capture the sun.
TUBBS AND EDWARD THINK HAIG IS PLANNING TO KIDNAP THEIR SON, DAVID.
Nothing to do with your wife.
Say that again!
We came to try and capture the sun while it was still daytime, honestly!
He knows about David! He wants to let him out!
What do you know about David? He’s our son! A freak, yes! But a local freak! Leave him where he is!
EDWARD THREATENS HAIG WITH THE MEAT CLEAVER.
The attic is warm…Tubbs feeds him!
Under the door, I slide him my teat! Let him not go!
I don’t know what are you talking about?
Alright, how much? To leave the shop and never come back? Seventy? Eighty? Alright, a pound!
I don’t want your money!
What DO you want?
HAIG BEGINS TO SOB.
I can I can’t!
THERE IS A ROAR FROM INSIDE THE SHOP.
What was that?
That was David!
And YOU have woken him up!
THERE IS ANOTHER ROAR.
SCENE 5. EXT. STREET. DAY.
A MAN STEALS WHAT IS LEFT OF THE BICYCLE CHAINED TO THE BOLLARD. JUST DOWN THE ROAD, A WOMAN HAULS THE WHEELCHAIR FROM UNDER THE OLD MAN. THEY RUN OFF TOGETHER.
SCENE 6. INT. WINDERMERE B & B. DAY.
A MAN NAMED ALVIN STEELE TALKS TO GUESTS IN THE DINING ROOM AS THEY EAT.
Morning! Now I did mention that we’ll be closing the guest house for this evening for a private function. So if you could vacate the premises by 12? And can I get you some coffee? OK…jump leads for two. Can do!
HE MOVES OFF TOWARDS ANOTHER TABLE AND STARTS HALFWAY THROUGH A TALE TO ENTERTAIN A GUEST.
So the fella’s standing there…as I say, we don’t normally go to such entertainments, but as I say this one was really super! The fella’s standing there and he’s got a Robin Hood outfit – he’s got the leggings and the tunic, and the bow and arrow and the feather on his head! And as I say, he’s playing all the parts himself…so he’s the stag that Robin Hood fires his blooming arrow at, and he’s going hell for leather with the antlers! And there’s Robin Hood chasing after him AND his Merry Men…and he’s got the bow and arrow poised and he’s got the feather coming out the top of his hat! And he fires the blooming arrow and he’s shot of course! As I say, we don’t normally go to these kinds of things. It loses a little in translation, but…
HE REALISES THE GUEST HE’S TELLING THE STORY TO ISN’T IN THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED.
Did you want more coffee?
THE GUEST NODS.
OK…jump leads for one! Can do!
THERE IS AN ANGRY FEMALE VOICE CALLING HIM.
SCENE 7. INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
ALVIN’S WIFE, SUNNY, IS MAKING A BED UP. ALVIN ENTERS.
Have you been to the shops?
Hardly! Just finished the breakfasts, my love!
You’re determined to spoil this for me, aren’t you?
Not at all, I’m quite…
It’s not much to expect of you, once every few months!
No, I’m happy to…
SUNNY GIVES HIM A LIST.
Right. I’ll be toddling off, then. I’ll be back around 3…3.30. Bye!
ALVIN EXITS. SUNNY LAYS SOME CONDOMS OUT ON THE BED.
SCENE 8. EXT. STREET. DAY.
THE ICE CREAM VAN DRIVES DOWN A ROAD.
SCENE 9. INT. PAULINE’S HOUSE. DAY.
Okey cokey, pig in a pokey! Hello, this is Pauline. Please leave me a message and I’ll try and call you back as soon as I can. Thank you, bye!
PAULINE LIES ON THE SOFA IN FRONT OF THE TV IN HER PYJAMAS, HER MASCARA RUNNING DOWN HER FACE FROM WHERE SHE HAS BEEN CRYING. THERE ARE POT NOODLE CONTAINERS AND OTHER LITTER STREWN OVER THE FLOOR.
Oh, good morning, it’s Jackie from the Job Centre. A vacancy has just cropped up due to illness so I was wondering…
PAULINE LEAPS UP AND GRABS THE PHONE.
Don’t hang up! Don’t hang up! I’m in…yeah. Now what job was it? Yes, I’ve got a pen! Uh-huh…what’s an assistant food science operative?
SCENE 10. INT. BURGER ME FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. DAY.
PAULINE STANDS BEHIND THE COUNTER, SERVING. SHE LOOKS COMPLETELY MISERABLE. SHE IS DRESSED IN A RED AND WHITE STRIPED UNIFORM.
Two cheeseburgers…that’s…£3.60 please.
PAULINE TAKES THE CUSTOMER’S MONEY.
Thank you, enjoy your meal.
THE CUSTOMER WALKS OFF.
Erm, excuse me? I did say “enjoy your meal”.
Oh, thank you.
That’s all it takes! Go on, then.
THE CUSTOMER EXITS.
(UNDER HER BREATH)
Piss off! Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
MICKEY POKES HIS HEAD AROUND THE CORNER FROM THE KITCHEN AREA. HE IS DRESSED IN THE SAME UNIFORM.
Not you, Mickey, love. This is a good little job for you, isn’t it? But you see I’M a professional! I’ve got diplomas! I should be sat at a desk right now with all pens laid out.
MICKEY CHOKES ON AN APPLE PIE. PAULINE WALKS OVER TO THE KITCHEN AREA TO HELP HIM.
Oh, you’ve not been at them apple pies again? I told you they were hot! Come here, let’s have a look!
SHE LOOKS IN MICKEY’S MOUTH. OUT THE FRONT, ROSS ENTERS THE RESTAURANT.
Come on, don’t be such a baby!
PAULINE LOOKS OVER AND SEES ROSS HAS ENTERED. SHE DUCKS DOWN BELOW THE SHELVES AND PULLS MICKEY DOWN WITH HER. ROSS SIGHS AS HE STANDS WAITING TO BE SERVED.
Why are we hiding?
MICKEY STANDS UP, INTENDING TO GREET ROSS. PAULINE YANKS HIM BACK DOWN AGAIN.
What you doing? He’s the bastard that got me sacked in the first place! I am not having him see me working here!
Can I have a vegeburger, please?
PAULINE PANICS AND PUTS ON A TERRIBLE AMERICAN ACCENT.
Um…yeah, coming right up!
Come on, a vegeburger!
THEY LEAP INTO ACTION. PAULINE HOLDS A BUN OPEN AS MICKEY SCOOPS ONE OFF THE GRILL BUT DROPS IT ON THE FLOOR.
It doesn’t matter!
PAULINE PICKS THE BURGER UP AND SLAPS IT INSIDE THE BUN. SHE PUTS ON THE AMERICAN ACCENT AGAIN AS SHE ADDRESSES ROSS.
Um…do you want mustard with your vegeburger?
PAULINE HOLDS THE BURGER IN FRONT OF MICKEY.
Mickey, Mickey! Squeeze us one of them spots in!
Come on, a big, fat, yellow one!
I’m going to teach that smug get a lesson!
SHE HAWKS BACK SOME PHLEGM.
What did I used to teach you, Mickey, love? Always put something of yourself into every job you do…
SHE SPITS IN THE BURGER.
But if someone finds out we’ll get the sack!
No-one’s going to find out! Now come on, a nice big one off your back!
SHE BENDS MICKEY OVER AND FINDS A SPOT ON HIS BACK, SQUEEZING IT INTO THE BURGER. FROM THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, WE SEE A CCTV CAMERA RECORDING THEIR EVERY MOVE.
SCENE 11. EXT. HOSPITAL. DAY.
THE ICE CREAM VAN PULLS UP. A NURSE STANDS, TALKING ON HER PHONE.
OK, I’ll see you tonight then? No, I’m looking forward to it! I’ve got to go, yeah. Bye…bye!
THE DRIVER, NOW WITH A HANDKERCHIEF HELD TO HIS BLEEDING NOSE, GETS OUT. HE SEES THE NURSE.
ICE CREAM SELLER:
Which way to Casualty? It won’t stop!
Join the queue!
SHE POINTS OVER TO THE DOORS. THE ICE CREAM SELLER JOINS A QUEUE OF AT LEAST TEN PEOPLE, ALL WITH BLEEDING NOSES.
SCENE 12. INT. HOSPITAL. DAY.
A PATIENT, MR BAMFORD, SITS IN BED. A HOSPITAL DOCTOR, DR. FISH, WALKS UP TO HIS BED.
Yes…how are you feeling?
Good. Well, I’ve got the results back and we can make a diagnosis.
HE GOES TO WALK AWAY.
Right. Is it to do with the nosebleeds?
Um…no, no it’s not.
HE PULLS THE PRIVACY CURTAIN AROUND THE CUBICLE.
It’s, um…well put it this way. Have you seen “Terms Of Endearment?”
No, I haven’t.
Ah…that makes it…”Shadowlands”?
No, I don’t really go to the cinema.
They’ve been on TV. Anyway, in both films, Debra Winger plays characters, different characters, who find out early in their lives that…um…well, surely you’ve seen “Beaches”?
No…is that Debra Winger?
No, it’s Barbara Hershey. And I think Bette Midler. It’s on the Beeb in the Autumn, but…
HE LOOKS IN MR BAMFORD’S FILE AND FROWNS.
…Yes, it’ll be too late by then. Do you like sports?
Remember the jockey, Bob Champion? John Hurt in the film, of course! Brilliant actor, plays all the victims, doesn’t he? Quentin Crisp…Elephant Man…
Yeah…my test results?
I’m thinking! All right, Mr Bamford. It seems from perusing your results…”Midnight Express”?
Another John Hurt film – “Midnight Express”! Anything else?
Yes, my test results!
Oh, God! Alright…
HE SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED.
How old would you have been next birthday?
DR. FISH SHAKES HIS HEAD.
Look, is there something you’re not telling me?
DR. FISH NODS.
Why can’t you tell me?
DR. FISH SHRUGS.
Is it…bad news?
DR. FISH NODS AGAIN. MR BAMFORD LOOKS DEVASTATED.
How long have I got?
DR. FISH WRITES SOMETHING ON THE EDGE OF HIS FILE.
Is that a six?
Sorry, it should be a two.
Oh look, I’m sorry! I want a second opinion!
That’s your prerogative. Er, Dr. Wesley? Could I borrow you for a moment, please?
DR WESLEY POKES HIS HEAD AROUND THE CURTAIN.
Take a look at these results, give this man a diagnosis.
DR WESLEY ENTERS THE CUBICLE.
Hmm, tell me…have you seen “Evita”?
I doubt it, she’s not even seen “Beaches”!
SCENE 13. EXT. STREET. DAY.
THE COACH WITH HERR LIPP AND THE EXCHANGE STUDENTS ON BOARD WINDS IT’S WAY DOWN THE MAIN ROAD.
HERR LIPP (V.O):
So, kinder – here we are in the lovely town of Royston Vasey!
SCENE 14. INT. COACH. DAY.
HERR LIPP IS STILL TALKING TO THE STUDENTS THROUGH HIS MICROPHONE.
Um…I don’t know if any of you have gazed your eyes on my little pink pomphlet…
HE HOLDS A PINK LEAFLET UP FOR THEM TO SEE.
…but it does give you informations on activities we have planned for you. These include…
HE READS FROM THE LEAFLET.
Walking around Royston Vasey, and…
HE REALISES THIS IS IT.
Walking around Royston Vasey! There are of course many interesting buildings in this arena and I will try and give you an entry in all of them. For example, if you now may look to your right, you will see…
LOOKING OUT THE COACH WINDOW, WE SEE THE PORTABLE TOILET FROM THE PREVIOUS EPISODE, STILL WITH DEAD BODIES PILED UP OUTSIDE IT.
Some toilets! Of course, you will be staying with some families in Royston Vasey, and I have some boys in mind for myself. Can I have Dieter, please? Where is Dieter?
A BOY PUTS HIS HAND IN THE AIR. HERR LIPP WALKS OVER TO HIM.
Do you have somewhere to put yourself?
Ja, Herr Lipp.
Schon…schon…such a lovely day, don’t you mind?
HE TURNS TO THE DRIVER.
Now, Helmut, now!
THE DRIVER SWERVES THE BUS VIOLENTLY, CAUSING HERR LIPP TO FLY INTO THE LAP OF DIETER. HE PICKS HIMSELF UP SLOWLY.
You saved my life, Dieter.
HE MOVES HIS FACE VERY CLOSE TO HIS.
I will never forgive you.
HE STANDS UP.
So…I hope you all have a real good treat of Royston Vasey…hmm! And oi, if you like films, I saw a film at the Kino here once, and it was…quite good, so…Alles klar?
THE STUDENTS RESPOND.
Good! So Dieter…do you want to see my pink pomphlet?
SCENE 15. INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY.
ALVIN IS BEING SERVED AT THE CHECKOUT BY IRIS.
ALVIN LOADS HIS GOODS ONTO THE CONVEYOR BELT, AND IRIS SCANS THEM THROUGH. SHE FROWNS WHEN SHE SEES THE FIVE BOTTLES OF BABY OIL, AND HE SMILES, EMBARRASSED. IRIS GIVES HIM A SAUCY LOOK.
£12.60 please, love.
SCENE 16. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
BENJAMIN LIES IN BED, SILENT, AND WITH A DISTANT LOOK ON HIS FACE. VAL SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED HOLDING A THERMOMETER, WHICH HARVEY INSPECTS ALSO.
Hmm…his temperature’s a little high.
Hmm. Try it in his mouth.
SHE POPS THE THERMOMETER IN BENJAMIN’S MOUTH.
Harvey…he’s forgotten everything! Even his own name…what are we going to do?
Only one thing we CAN do, Val. We’re going to have to teach him the household regulations one more time.
VAL GIGGLES. THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE AS A MUSICAL NUMBER, WITH VAL, HARVEY AND THE GIRLS SINGING.
We’ve learned from all our past mistakes that teaching guests is tough. But now we’ve found a better way we think is clear enough.
The old way was confusing, we found it took too long.
THEY STRIP THE BEDCOVERS FROM BENJAMIN.
So now you are Chez Denton, come learn our rules in song…
THE SIT ON THE BED, GRAB A LEG EACH AND HAUL BENJAMIN OFF THE BED. THEY DRAG HIM INTO THE BATHROOM.
The bathroom is a dangerous place where evil germs can lurk. To keep clean is a duty from which we mustn’t shirk!
BENJAMIN CRAWLS TO THE TOILET. HARVEY PUSHES HIS HEAD IN WITH HIS FOOT AND FLUSHES IT.
Hygiene is a principle we really all must have. So scrub your hands with pumice stone, whenever you touch the lav!
VAL SCRUBS BENJAMIN’S FINGERS WITH THE STONE VIGOUROUSLY. BENJAMIN SHOUTS IN PAIN. HARVEY PUSHES HIM OUT THE DOOR. THEY THROW BENJAMIN DOWN THE STAIRS AND SLIDE HIM ALONG THE HALL. HIS HEAD CONNECTS WITH THE KITCHEN CABINET AND HE COMES TO A HALT.
The kitchen can be deadly, just think of all that dirt.
CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE PUSH THE CABINET DOORS OPEN AND SING AT BENJAMIN.
To clean things ten or fifteen times it really cannot hurt.
Imagine all the places those naughty microbes hide…
A rubbish bin…
A soiled lid…
These Marigolds inside…
SHE BRANDISHES A PAIR OF WASHING UP GLOVES AT HIM, BEFORE SLAPPING HIM WITH THEM.
All we want is order, each thing in it’s place. To have it any other way would be a damn disgrace!
You see how each thing’s labelled, we know where it must stay…
Your Auntie Val’s vaginal douche – we keep behind this tray!
THE GIRLS REMOVE A TRAY FROM THE WINDOWSILL, REVEALING A VAGINAL DOUCHE. VAL AND HARVEY CARRY BENJAMIN ALONG THE HALL AND BATTER THE BEDROOM DOOR OPEN WITH HIS HEAD.
So now that we have shown you, the way that we think true, we hope that you’ll be happy and know what you must do!
THEY DROP BENJAMIN ON THE FLOOR.
Whenever you’re at toilet, please recall this song. Wash your hands…
BENJAMIN CRAWLS BACK INTO BED.
Before and after…
During if it’s long!
THEY DRAPE THE DUVET COVER OVER HIM.
SCENE 17. EXT. WINDERMERE B & B. DAY.
ALVIN RETURNS WITH THE SHOPPING. HE ENTERS. AS HE DOES, WE SEE THE MAN WHO WAS IN THE WHEELCHAIR HAS NOW BEEN STOLEN, LEAVING JUST A FALSE LEG CHAINED TO THE BOLLARD.
SCENE 18. INT. WINDERMERE B & B. DAY.
ALVIN CALLS TO UPSTAIRS.
Hello? Home is the hunter!
Put the immersion on!
ALVIN GOES TO THE AIRING CUPBOARD. IT IS IN DARKNESS. AS HE OPENS THE DOOR AND TURNS THE LIGHT ON, WE SEE THERE IS AN ARRAY OF SEX TOYS AND AIDS KEPT THERE. HE SWITCHES THE IMMERSION ON, TURNS OFF THE LIGHT AND EXITS.
SCENE 19. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
EDWARD ENTERS THE BACK OF THE SHOP WITH A CANDLE. HE LOOKS UPSTAIRS.
We keep David upstairs. Strangers would not look upon him the way we do.
WE SEE THAT TUBBS HAS SHEPHERDED HAIG INTO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AS WELL, AND LEADS HIM UPSTAIRS BEHIND EDWARD.
His appearance, his ways…
His hot, foul breath!
THEY EMERGE AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. EDWARD STOPS BESIDE A DOOR.
His last friend ran away.
But he’s got YOU, now!
Remember…he’ll be more frightened of you than you are of him!
EDWARD UNLOCKS THE DOOR, OPENS IT, THEN DUCKS OUT THE WAY. WE SEE A LARGE PAIR OF GLOWING EYES IN THE DARKNESS OF THE ROOM.
Someone to see you, Davey!
TUBBS SHOVES HAIG INSIDE. HAIG SCREAMS. TUBBS SHUTS THE DOOR.
Do you think he’ll like him?
Yes, Tubbs! He’ll like him…to pieces!
TUBBS AND EDWARD EXIT. THE DOOR OPENS AND HAIG TRIES TO SCRABBLE OUT, BUT HE IS PULLED BACK IN BY WHAT WE PRESUME IS DAVID, SNARLING AND ROARING.
SCENE 20. INT. POP’S HOUSE. NIGHT.
AL AND THE NURSE WE SAW AT THE HOSPITAL EARLIER, PATRICIA, SIT AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF A DINING TABLE IN AN ELABORATELY DECORATED ROOM. POP SINGS FROM OFF SCREEN.
Bright eyes! Burning like fire!
POP ENTERS, CARRYING BOWLS OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE SOUP.
Bright eyes! Da, da, da, da…oh is such a beautiful film, Patricia!
HE PLACES THE BOWLS DOWN IN FRONT OF PATRICIA, HIMSELF AND AL. HE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.
The little rabbits, they are so brave! There are so many obstacles for them to overcome! Isn’t that right, Al?
It is a good film, Pop.
You see, Patricia – the magic lies in the fact that although they are rabbits, they talk and act just like people! Anyway, let’s talk about you, Patricia! When you going to make an honest man of my son, eh?
Well! You make a beautiful couple! You, Patricia, with your fine skin and…shapely bosom! And you, Al. With your good health and thick body hair which he has inherited from his Pop!
Together, you produce superior children!
Well, we’ve only really just met, Mr…
Call me Pop!
Trish is a very cautious person. She likes to think things through.
What is to think about? You meet, you fall in love, you marry! And then you come and live with me, eh? ‘Cos Pop will have a daughter as well as sons!
AL LOOKS AT HIM.
I mean…A son.
HE SPITS ON THE FLOOR.
Now…eat, eat, eat! Is good!
PATRICIA BEGINS TO LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE. POP GETS UP AND FETCHES A JUG OF WINE FROM THE SIDEBOARD.
You know, Patricia…Al, he’s not had a proper girlfriend!
AL LOOKS EMBARRASSED.
Imagine this – thirty three and still no girlfriend! I used to weep at night, thinking he might be a Mary Queen!
No! A Mary Queen! A poof! A shit-stabber! Then, he said to me “Pop – I’ve met a beautiful girl. She works in a hospital as a nurse!”
“She’s got a great ass, Pop. A great ass! I would like to go to bed with her very much!” So I said to him “you be a man”! All my life I’ve tried to make a man of my son! When he’s a little boy, we sit down together and watch a video…one of my favourites!
No. Is called “The Ass Master” – is German.
AL CRINGES AS POP RUINS HIS DATE.
It’s about this guy with a video camera, and he goes around filming the asses of beautiful women! Then he take them back to his hotel, and…
POP GETS UP, ANGRY THAT AL HAS INTERRUPTED HIM. HE RAISES HIS HAND AS IF TO STRIKE AL.
Hey! Hey! What’s the matter, huh? Perhaps now you have no use for your dirty movie! Now you have met your wife to be! Mind you…Patricia – she has real class. Not like those television whores you like so much!
POP STANDS AND LEERS AT PATRICIA, WALKING AROUND HER CHAIR.
You would not see Patricia making lesbian action on the floor of an Austrian bar!
PATRICIA LOOKS SHOCKED.
Now…you must excuse me, Patricia. I have to go and make a piss!
Al, I’m going!
I’m so sorry! Please, stay a bit longer. Pop will want to go to sleep…
POP ENTERS THE ROOM AGAIN.
Hey! What are you talking about? You chat away like a pair of real love birds!
Just talking, Pop.
And yet – your Patricia, she will not talk to me! Why is she so shy? Is she frightened of her new Pop?
PATRICIA SHAKES HER HEAD AND SMILES WEAKLY.
No! We are all friends here…all friends!
HE RUBS HER SHOULDERS AS HE LICKS HIS LIPS.
Al? Is time for dessert. Why don’t you go and fetch us a Kinder Egg each from the box in the attic?
Trish doesn’t really like chocolate, Pop…
She doesn’t have to eat it! She can play with the toy inside! Now, go!
AL RUNS OUT THE ROOM, EAGER TO FETCH THE DESSERT AND BE OUT THE ROOM AS SHORT A TIME AS POSSIBLE IN CASE HE DOES SOMETHING TO PATRICIA. POP CLAPS A HAND TO HIS FACE AND RUBS IT.
You know my philosophy, Patricia? Pop say life is like a newsagents! There are so many things to tempt you…some things in life, the Yorkie bars, the cream sodas – they are easy!
But the best things in life – the box of Milk Tray…the…the dirty books – they are on the top shelf! You have to reach for them. My son, Al. He is a good boy, but still he is only a boy! A woman like you, Patricia, should know the touch of a real man!
HE LEANS CLOSE TO HER AS SHE LITERALLY SQUIRMS IN HER SEAT.
Feel my breath on your face…
HE BREATHES ON HER. SHE WINCES.
I am hot for you, Patricia! Like a tube of Murray Mints that have been left out in the sun. Hot and hard!
AL ENTERS. PATRICIA LOOKS UP WITH RELIEF.
I couldn’t find them, Pop.
What do you mean, “you couldn’t find them”? Go and look harder!
No, I think I should stay here…
DO AS YOU’RE TOLD, YOU PIG!
POP GETS TO HIS FEET, UNDOES HIS BELT AND LASHES THE FLOOR WITH IT. PATRICIA SEES HER MOMENT AND FLEES.
I’m sorry, Mr…I really have to leave!
SHE RUNS OUT.
No! You see? Patricia – she doesn’t love you any more! Well…you cannot trust a woman.
AL SITS DOWN, WEEPING. POP PUTS A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.
Hey…what say me and you, we watch a video before we go to bed, huh? One of my favourites…
AL STARTS TO CRY.
Hey! Shhh…shhhh! No need to cry.
HE STARTS TO SING AGAIN.
Bright eyes…burning like fire! Bright eyes…
SCENE 21. EXT. FISH POND. NIGHT.
AN ELDERLY MAN, MR. HART, WALKS UP TO WHERE DR. CHINNERY IS CROUCHING.
Thanks for coming out so late, veterinary.
No problem, Mr Hart! Just admiring your collection.
WE SEE HE IS LOOKING AT THE FISH IN THE POND.
Oh! My koi carp? That’s not what I brought you out for, veterinary.
No, it’s Curly.
HE INDICATES AN IGUANA WRAPPED IN A BLANKET THAT HE IS CARRYING.
What’s the matter with him?
Well, normally he loves his locusts, but, I don’t know, to me he can’t get a grip on them!
DR. CHINNERY LEANS TOWARDS THE ANIMAL.
Hello! Hello, Curly!
HE EXAMINES HIM.
Oh, yes. It’s a common enough complaint, not dissimilar to gingivitis. Years of accumulated chitin have taken their toll.
Oh well, I suppose like, he needs just a good dentist!
Yes, that’s right. Just bring him down here, Mr. Hart.
MR HART LOWERS THE IGUANA. DR. CHINNERY BRINGS A TOOL OUT OF HIS BAG. MR. HART SEES IT AND REACTS.
Oh, God! What’s that?
Oh, it’s just really a big electric toothbrush.
HE PLUGS IT IN AND STARTS IT UP.
It don’t hurt him, does it veterinary?
No, no. Just a bit abrasive!
DR. CHINNERY STARTS THE TREATMENT BUT THEN STOPS.
What is it?
These back teeth are a little impacted.
HE PLACES THE BUZZING TOOTHBRUSH DOWN ON THE PAVING SLABS, WHERE IT BEGINS TO RATTLE TOWARDS THE FISH POND.
I’m afraid we may have to perform an extraction…you see the inflammation on the gums has probably been causing Curly a lot of pain. No wonder he’s been off his locusts! What I can do is clean up the area around the gums as best I can.
HE REACHES FOR THE TOOTHBRUSH, BUT IT IS NOW WELL ON IT’S WAY TO FALLING IN THE FISH POND. AS HE CONTINUES TO FEEL FOR IT, WE SEE A SMALL EXPLOSION COME FROM THE POND, AND SPARKS FLICKER ACROSS IT. BOTH MEN LOOK ACROSS, WHERE THERE ARE NOW DEAD FISH FLOATING ON THE SURFACE.
DR. CHINNERY TRIES TO THINK OF SOMETHING HUMANE TO SAY.
Plenty more fish in the sea!
MR HART LOOKS AS IF HE IS ABOUT TO CRY. DR CHINNERY LOOKS AWAY AS IF TO SAY ‘OH GOD, NOT AGAIN’.
SCENE 22. INT. WINDERMERE B & B. NIGHT.
AN ORGY IS IN FULL SWING, AND PEOPLE CASUALLY HAVE SEX, STROKE EACH OTHER AND PICK AT A BUFFET. SUNNY KNEELS IN FRONT OF A NAKED MAN, FEEDING HIM CHERRIES.
You’re a very, very naughty boy!
ALVIN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF.HE IS STOOD IN RUBBER FETISH GEAR, BUT STILL WITH HIS NECK BRACE IN PLACE. HE IS TALKING TO A MAN IN A GIMP MASK, WHO SMOKES AND DRINKS.
And he plays all the parts! So he’s Robin Hood and he’s got a feather in his cap, and as I say, he played all the parts himself. So he’s the arrow, he’s the Merry Men, and then he’s the blooming stag! And me and Sunny are sat there, tears rolling down our faces! Later on this fellow comes up to me…
THE MAN HE WAS TALKING TO MOVES AWAY TO WATCH A COUPLE ENGAGED IN FOREPLAY.
I’ll go and get some crisps.
HE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN. IN THE KITCHEN, HE POURS SOME CRISPS INTO A BOWL AS THE SOUND OF THE ORGY CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND. ALVIN SITS DOWN, AND LOOKS MISERABLE. HE SIGHS AND SOUNDS DESPERATELY UNHAPPY.
It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright.
SCENE 23. EXT. COACH STATION. NIGHT.
HERR LIPPS’ COACH HAS PULLED UP AND STUDENTS FETCH LUGGAGE ETC. IT RAINS HEAVILY.
OK, kinder! Now I need everyone to find their cases! Are you a little bit lost? Whose it that? I think it’s Gibbo’s…OK, Gibbo, would you like to go…
A WOMAN, MRS SMART, CALLS TO HIM.
MRS SMART (V.O):
HERR LIPP LOOKS ROUND, AND SEES HER.
Mrs Smart – head of German! I think you’re staying with me.
No, that’s not true. I am to be staying with a young gentleman, whose name is Bobby.
HERR LIPP SHOWS MRS SMART A PIECE OF PAPER.
Oh, that’s me! Bobbi with an “i”! It’s short for Roberta!
HE IS VISIBLY DISAPPOINTED NOT TO BE STAYING WITH A BOY.
I’m afraid we’re a bit pushed for space at the moment. How do you feel about sharing a room?
HERR LIPP LOOKS AT HER.
Oh, not with ME! With my son!
SHE POINTS TO HER SON, JUSTIN, WHO IS TALKING WITH FRIENDS.
It’s just we’ve had the decorating…
ROMANTIC MUSIC DROWNS HER OUT AS HERR LIPP LOOKS OVER, SEES HIM, AND INSTANTLY FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM.
Let’s get your bag in the car, shall we?
HERR LIPP STOPS HER.
Her name…what is her name?
His name’s Justin…
THE NAME ECHOES IN HERR LIPP’S HEAD.
I’m afraid he’s very poor with his German, so I hope you’re going to rub off on him in some way!
I will do my best…I promise.
SCENE 24. INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR. NIGHT.
DR. FISH WALKS ALONG, TALKING TO THE ICE CREAM SELLER’S WIFE.
I’m terribly sorry, we’re baffled as to what’s causing it. He came in this morning with a nosebleed, the next thing…I can’t tell you how he died, but I’m sure he was very peaceful at the end.
HE PULLS BACK A SHEET REVEALING THE ICE CREAM SELLER’S CONTORTED, SURPRISE RIDDLED FACE, WITH DRIED BLOOD AROUND THE NOSTRILS.
THE WIFE STARTS TO CRY.
Have you seen…? Doesn’t matter…
DR. FISH WALKS OFF.