Destination: Royston Vasey - Broadcast (14 Jan 00)
CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Papa Lazarou, Benjamin Denton, Cathy
Carter-Smith, Edward Tattsyrup, Sam Chignell, Vinnie Wythenshaw
MARK GATISS Hilary Briss, Mama Lazarou, Mickey M.
Michaels, Al, Val Denton, Dr. Matthew Chinnery
STEVE PEMBERTON Tubbs Tattsyrup, Reenie Carver, Pauline
Campbell-Jones, Housewife, Harvey Denton, Pop
WITH
RUSTY GOFFE
GERALD STADDEN
JON KEY
PAUL POPPLEWELL
JOHNNY LEEZE
FRANCES COX
JOHN LEBAR
MEGAN AND ROSIE DE WOLFE
PAUL HAYES-MARSHALL
DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK
WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON
SCENE 1. EXT. MOORS. NIGHT.
A HORSE AND CART RIDES THROUGH THE MOORS. AS IT DOES, WE SEE A DISTRESSED PERSON ESCAPING FROM A CAGE BY THE SIDE OF THE LOCAL SHOP. AS THE FIGURE LOOKS UP TO THE WINDOW AND SEES A HIDEOUS SHAPE APPEAR, WE SEE IT IS BENJAMIN, WHO HAS BEEN KEPT CAPTIVE AT THE SHOP. BENJAMIN RUNS PAST THE SIGN THAT READS ‘WELCOME TO ROYSTON VASEY – YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE’.
OPENING CREDITS – A MAN LOADS A BOX WITH A SIGN THAT READS ‘TOAD IN TRANSIT’ INTO A VAN. THE VAN DRIVES DOWN THE MAIN ROAD. POP EXITS AN OFF LICENSE WITH A BOTTLE IN A PAPER BAG. A REVOLVING SIGN OUTSIDE THE DOOR READS ‘CHEAP BOOZE’. HE ENTERS A MASSAGE PARLOUR WHERE THERE IS ANOTHER REVOLVING SIGN OUTSIDE. THIS ONE READS ‘BLOW JOBS’.
AN OLD WOMAN, VINNIE, RIDES DOWN THE STREET ON HER ELECTRIC BUGGY, HOLDING UP A HUGE QUEUE OF TRAFFIC INCLUDING A FIRE ENGINE. A WOMAN OPENS THE DOOR OF A PORTABLE TOILET, ONLY TO SEE A DEAD MAN FALL ONTO THE PAVEMENT ALONG WITH A GUSH OF WATER. WHEN THE WATER HAS SUBSIDED, SHE ENTERS. A SIGN ON THE DOOR READS ‘EARN ££££’S CONTRACT KILLING – NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY’.
SCENE 2. EXT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
THE HORSE AND CART SLOWS TO A HALT. WE SEE ON THE SIDE IT READS ‘PAPA LAZAROU’S PANDEMONIUM CARNIVAL’.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Woah…
PAPA LAZAROU IS SAT NEXT TO A WOMAN, MAMA LAZAROU.
Simba! Pebble! Tik-Tik!
THREE DWARVES COME RUNNING ROUND TO HIM FROM THE REAR OF THE CART.
Go and put a poster up in that shop…
DWARVES:
Yes, Papa Lazarou!
PAPA LAZAROU:
Tell them the circus is coming to town.
THE DWARVES ENTER THE SHOP.
SCENE 3. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
THE DWARVES ENTER AND IMMEDIATELY CREATE HAVOC.
SIMBA:
Hello? Is there anybody there?
THEY GIGGLE AS THEY PICK THINGS UP, SWING THE POSTCARD DISPLAY AND RUN ABOUT. TUBBS ENTERS FROM THE BACK OF THE SHOP. SHE CANNOT SEE THE DWARVES, BUT KNOWS SOMEONE IS THERE.
TUBBS:
Yes?
PEBBLE:
Good morning!
PEBBLE HIDES.
TUBBS:
Morning! Can I help you at all?
TIK-TIK APPROACHES HER WITH THE POSTER.
TIK-TIK:
Can you put this up in your shop?
HE TOSSES THE POSTER ONTO THE COUNTER. TUBBS SEES THE DWARVES AND SCREAMS.
TUBBS:
Edward! Edward!
EDWARD ENTERS FROM THE BACK, DRESSED IN HIS BEDCLOTHES.
EDWARD:
Hello, hello? What’s going on? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!
TUBBS:
Look, Edward! Children!
EDWARD HAS A LOOK AT THEM.
EDWARD:
They are not children, they are monsters!
SIMBA:
You’re no oil painting yourself, mister!
TUBBS OFFERS THEM A JAR OF LOLLIES.
TUBBS:
Would you like lollypops?
EDWARD STORMS AROUND THE COUNTER.
EDWARD:
Get out! Get out! Do you hear me? This is a local shop for local people!
HE PICKS UP A BROOM AND BRUSHES THE FLOOR BEFORE THEM, EFFECTIVELY SWEEPING THEM OUT OF THE SHOP.
There’s nothing for you here!
THE DWARVES EXIT.
Demons!
TUBBS UNRAVELS THE POSTER AND READS IT.
TUBBS:
Look, Edward – it’s a freak show! Shall we take David along?
EDWARD:
No, Tubbs. We wouldn’t want to frighten them…
THERE IS A GROWLING NOISE FROM UPSTAIRS.
SCENE 4. EXT. .LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Get on!
THE DWARVES SCRABBLE INTO THE BACK OF THE CART. PAPA LAZAROU CRACKS HIS WHIP AND URGES THE HORSES ON.
SCENE 5. EXT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE STAND OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR, HOLDING A PAIR OF LARGE GARDEN SHEARS. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND NOD SLOWLY.
SCENE 6. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
HARVEY STANDS AT THE SINK, SCRUBBING. VAL SITS WITH HER HEAD ON HER HAND, DAYDREAMING. SHE SIGHS. HARVEY WALKS OVER TO HER. WE SEE HE WEARS AN APRON WITH A PICTURE OF A TOAD WEARING STOCKING AND SUSPENDERS ON IT.
HARVEY:
Val! Must I do all the chores on my own today?
VAL:
I’m sorry, I was miles away.
VAL PUTS SOMETHING BACK IN THE FRIDGE. WHEN SHE CLOSES THE DOOR, CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE ARE STANDING THERE. VAL RECOILS, SURPRISED.
Oh! Girls, I do wish you would stop doing that!
GIRLS:
Mummy…why are you thinking about Cousin Benjamin?
VAL:
I’m not!
RADCLIFFE:
You are.
CHLOE:
You think the house seems empty without him.
RADCLIFFE:
You wish he was still living here.
GIRLS:
You wish daddy had given you a son…as well as daughters!
VAL:
Don’t be ridiculous, girls. We’re perfectly happy the way we are, aren’t we, Harvey?
HARVEY:
Oh yes, indeed. Think of the difficulties a son would provide! The nightmare of puberty, endless sojourns in the bathroom as junior shakes hot white coconuts from the veiny love tree…Yes, we’re better off with Chloe and Radcliffe. Now, Val…if you can turn your mind from such trivial matters – this coal won’t clean itself?
SCENE 7. EXT. STREET. DAY.
BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES PAST THE CHARITY SHOP. VINNIE IS PUTTING A POSTER FOR PAPA LAZAROU’S CARNIVAL IN THE WINDOW.
SCENE 8. INT. CHARITY SHOP. DAY.
VINNIE RETURNS BEHIND THE COUNTER. AL WALKS IN AND LOOKS AT SOME CASSETTES. HE PICKS ONE UP AND APPROACHES VINNIE.
AL:
Excuse me, how much is this?
VINNIE:
Oh, it should say on it, dear. Has it got a price on it?
AL:
Don’t think so.
VINNIE:
Let’s have a look!
HE HANDS HER THE CASSETTE.
No, there’s no price on it. Reenie?
SHE RINGS A BELL BEHIND THE COUNTER.
Reenie! I need a price check! What is it, dear?
AL:
It’s a cassette.
VINNIE:
It’s a cassette, is it?
REENIE ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS.
REENIE:
Alright, here I am, dear. What’s wrong?
VINNIE:
This gentleman’s got a cassette!
REENIE:
A what?
VINNIE:
A cassette.
REENIE:
A cassette? Does he want a bag?
VINNIE:
No, dear. There’s no price on it - I want a price check!
REENIE:
What does he want?
VINNIE:
A cassette!
REENIE:
Right…
SHE EXITS.
VINNIE:
She won’t be a minute, dear. Did you want a bag for that?
AL:
Yes, please.
VINNIE:
Let’s have a look…
VINNIE PULLS OUT A PLASTIC CARRIER BAG.
Is that too big? It’s a good bag is that – I should charge you extra for that bag!
REENIE ENTERS AGAIN CARRYING A BOX FULL OF CASSETTES.
REENIE:
I’ve got the cassettes, dear. Now which cassette does he want?
VINNIE:
No, dear! He’s got a cassette here!
REENIE:
Oh, I see – he’s brought US a cassette?
REENIE GRABS THE BAG WITH THE CASSETTE AL WANTS TO BUY IN IT.
Thank you very much, dear! Can we keep the bag?
AL:
No, I want to buy the cassette, but there’s no price on it.
VINNIE:
He’s got a cassette here, I want a price check!
REENIE:
Alright, no need to be rude, dear.
VINNIE:
I wasn’t being rude, dear.
REENIE:
You are!
VINNIE:
I’m not.
REENIE EXITS AGAIN.
VINNIE:
Where’s the book? Seen the book, dear?
REENIE:
What’s that? He wants a book as well? Right…
VINNIE:
Here we are – right, one cassette. How do spell that, dear?
AL:
C-A-double S…
VINNIE:
Hang on a minute…C…A…
AL:
I tell you what, just put ‘tape’.
REENIE ENTERS AGAIN WITH A BOX FULL OF BOOKS.
REENIE:
Here we are, dear – the books! Which book does he want?
AL:
I don’t want a book.
VINNIE:
He wants some tape as well, dear.
REENIE:
Tape? Does he want a bag for that, dear?
SHE STARTS LOADING BOOKS INTO A BAG THAT VINNIE IS HOLDING.
VINNIE:
Do you want a bag for that, dear?
AL:
No!
VINNIE/REENIE:
Ooh…no need to be rude, dear!
AL:
I’m not being rude, I just want to buy the tape!
VINNIE:
Well what about the cassette?
AL:
Well how much is it?
VINNIE:
Hmm, let’s say…twelve pence?
AL:
Right…thank you.
HE DIGS OUT A POUND AND GIVES IT TO HER.
VINNIE:
Ooh, I’ll have to get change! Reenie!
SHE RINGS THE BELL.
Reenie!
REENIE ENTERS AGAIN WITH A BOX FULL OF STICKY TAPE.
REENIE:
Just a minute, dear – I’ve got the tape! What tape does he want?
VINNIE STARTS LOADING ROLLS OF TAPE INTO A BAG ALONG WITH THE BOOKS.
VINNIE:
He wants change as well, dear.
REENIE:
He wants to get changed? You could get changed here, dear. There’s no-one looking…
REENIE HURRIES OVER TO AL AND STARTS TAKING HIS JACKET OFF.
Just the jacket, is it?
VINNIE:
Right, I can put it ALL in the book! The cassettes, the tapes, the books and the jacket. So altogether, that’s…twenty eight pence, please!
REENIE WRESTLES AL’S JACKET FROM HIM.
REENIE:
Do you want a bag for that, dear?
SCENE 9. EXT. CIRCUS. DAY.
WE SEE A BOX WITH ‘INGLEBY – THE WORLD’S SMALLEST ESCAPOLOGIST’ ON IT.
FROM INSIDE BOX:
Let me out! Can someone let me out?
WE SEE A MERRY-GO-ROUND AND OTHER CIRCUS ATTRACTIONS BEING SET UP. PAPA LAZAROU WALKS AROUND THE CIRCUS WITH A THREE LEGGED DOG. MAMA LAZAROU AND THE DWARVES FOLLOW HIM.
PAPA LAZAROU:
OK…We’ll have the penguin boy set up over there. Let’s have the giant down there…
GIANT (V.O):
My weight is seventeen stones…the circumference around my neck is eighteen inches…
PAPA LAZAROU:
Not yet! OK, Simba. I’m going to leave you in charge, me and Mama are going to go into town, sell some pegs.
SIMBA:
Alright, boss!
PAPA LAZAROU:
I want to see everything set up when I come back! And don’t hit the giant!
DWARVES:
We won’t!
PAPA AND MAMA LAZAROU EXIT. WE SEE BARBARA’S TAXI PULL UP. WE SEE HER STEP OUT OF THE TAXI AND PUT A SLIPPER CLAD FOOT STRAIGHT IN A MUDDY PUDDLE. AS SOON AS PAPA LAZAROU HAS EXITED THE CIRCUS GROUND, THE DWARVES BEGIN BATTERING THE GIANT WITH STICKS AND FISTS. THE GIANT, DRESSED IN TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH ATTIRE, STANDS THERE WEARILY.
GIANT:
My weight is seventeen stones…the circumference around my neck is…
BARBARA APPROACHES THE DWARVES.
BARBARA:
Excuse me? Are you with the carnival?
TIK-TIK:
What do YOU think?
BARBARA:
My name’s Barbara. I was wondering if I could join your freak show?
SIMBA:
Oh yeah? You want to be one of us?
BARBARA:
Yeah. Anything to get away from here!
PEBBLE:
What’s your speciality?
BARBARA:
I thought I could be a bearded lady?
SIMBA:
Sorry mate, we’ve already got one!
SIMBA POINTS TO A WOMAN GLUING ON A FAKE BEARD IN THE DISTANCE.
BARBARA:
The thing is, I went in for a sex change operation, but there were complications.
TIK-TIK:
So did they turn you into a man or a woman?
BARBARA:
I don’t know! I can’t work it out!
SHE LIFTS UP HER DRESS.
What do YOU think?
THE DWARVES LOOK AT BARBARA’S NETHER REGIONS AND FROWN IN DISGUST AND CONFUSION.
GIANT:
The circumference of my neck is eighteen inches…
SIMBA:
Shut up!
THE DWARVES CONTINUE BEATING UP THE GIANT.
SCENE 10. EXT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.
A DELIVERY VAN DRIVES PAST THE JOB CENTRE. WE SEE A REVOLVING SIGN THAT READS ‘DOLE SCUM’ ON IT.
PAULINE (V.O):
Okey cokey, pig in a pokey!
SCENE 11. INT. RESTART COURSE. DAY.
PAULINE DESCENDS THE STAIRS, READY TO START ANOTHER CLASS. THE MEN IN THE RESTART COURSE (MINUS ROSS) LOOK AROUND IN CONFUSION, WONDERING WHY PAULINE IS BACK WHEN SHE WAS SACKED.
PAULINE:
Good morning, job seekers! Now, we have a few new faces joining our little restart course this morning, so I want you to make them feel welcome. Remember, we’re all in the same boat – well, I’m not, I’ve got a job. But YOU’RE all in the same boat and as such, I want you to think of me as your cox!
MICKEY:
Cocks!
HE SNIGGERS IN A CHILDLIKE MANNER.
PAULINE:
Now, we’re going to start by writing up on the board…
PAULINE WALKS OVER TO THE BOARD AND IS CONFRONTED BY ANOTHER WOMAN, CATHY CARTER-SMITH, LOOKING AT HER DISAPPROVINGLY. PAULINE STOPS DEAD.
CATHY HAS BEEN WAITING FOR SOME TIME FOR PAULINE TO BE QUIET.
CATHY:
Can I help you?
PAULINE:
Who the frig are you? And what are you doing writing on MY pad?
CATHY:
If you’d have been here on time, you’d know by now that my name is Cathy Carter-Smith. And this is now MY pad!
PAULINE:
Yeah, I think you’ve got the wrong room, dear. If you’re after Weight Watchers, you’ve got to go down the stairs…
CATHY:
Don’t make this any harder than it has to be, Pauline. You were fired? For violent conduct? What do you think you’re doing here?
PAULINE:
But this is MY restart!
CATHY:
Exactly! And I am your restart officer. So sit down, shut up, and start learning!
PAULINE LOOKS CRESTFALLEN. MICKEY PULLS OUT A CHAIR NEXT TO HIM, AND TURNS ROUND A NAME SIGN THAT READS ‘PAULINE’. PAULINE, TRYING TO SALVAGE SOME DIGNITY, TAKES HER SEAT.
CATHY:
That’s it. Right then, jobbies – there are going to be a few changes round here. Rule number one, no smoking.
SHE TAKES A CIGARETTE OUT OF ONE MAN’S MOUTH AND STUBS IT OUT.
I know you lot have nothing to live for, but I do. Rule number two, I want you all to sit up straight.
SHE ADDRESSES MICKEY.
You! Monkey man! You look like your back’s broken! What’s your name?
PAULINE:
His name is Mickey…you leave him alone.
CATHY:
I’ll leave him alone when he’s done as he’s told!
WITH MONUMENTAL EFFORT, MICKEY SITS UP STRAIGHT – HE HASN’T DONE THIS FOR SOME TIME AND HIS BACK IS LOCKED IN A SLOUCHED POSITION.
That’s better. Now, take me through what you’ve been doing on the computers.
SHE PLACES A LAPTOP COMPUTER IN FRONT OF MICKEY. HE LOOKS AT IT, CONFUSED.
PAULINE:
They haven’t been on the computers.
CATHY:
What?
PAULINE:
They’ve got pens.
CATHY LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, NOT QUITE BELIEVING WHAT SHE HAS HEARD.
CATHY:
Pens?
PAULINE:
Yeah…pens?
SHE INDICATES THE PEN ON A STRING ROUND HER NECK.
CATHY:
Oh, I see.
CATHY SNATCHES THE PEN FROM PAULINE’S NECK AND SNAPS IT IN TWO.
That’s what I think of pens!
PAULINE IS SHOCKED. MICKEY LEANS OVER TO HER.
MICKEY:
Pauline…she’s worse than you!
CATHY:
Right, we’re going to start from scratch. I’m going to get you dunces web-wise by the end of this week or my name ain’t C.C. Smith! Clean that board, you!
CATHY PICKS UP A BOARD CLEANING RAG AND THROWS IT AT PAULINE. IT LANDS ON HER HEAD. PAULINE STANDS UP AND SLOWLY APPROACHES THE BOARD.
CATHY:
A computer is like a big electronic brain full of different kinds of chips. No, not the ones you have for your tea every single night – well come on, you, we haven’t got all day!
SHE WALKS UP TO PAULINE, WHO IS HESITANT ABOUT CLEANING THE BOARD.
PAULINE:
No!
SHE THROWS THE RAG ONTO THE FLOOR.
CATHY:
You what?
PAULINE:
Just who do you think you’re talking to?
CATHY:
Well according to my report, a psychotic fifty-year-old lesbian!
PAULINE:
How dare you! I’m forty-eight!
CATHY:
Oh, what do you want me to do? Roll over and shit Mars bars (?)
PAULINE:
You listen to me, you tubby little tit witch! These poor bastards rely on me! I’m the only reason they get out of bed first thing in the afternoon. You can’t just come marching in here telling them they’re useless! That is MY job!
CATHY:
Ha, not is, was. You haven’t got a job, remember?
PAULINE SLAPS CATHY. CATHY SLAPS HER BACK. PAULINE GOES TO HIT HER AGAIN BUT CATHY CATCHES HER ARM. SHE PULLS PAULINE’S FACE CLOSE TO HERS.
And they told me you were hard! I can’t believe you’re such a pushover! Now get out of my sight and my restart before I shove your pens where the sun don’t shine!
PAULINE BREAKS AWAY AND GOES TO LEAVE. MICKEY LOOKS UPSET. PAULINE WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR.
CATHY:
Right then, part one to the idiot’s guide to computers! Who can tell me what electricity is? Anybody?
MICKEY STANDS ON HIS DESK.
MICKEY:
Pauline!
PAULINE TURNS AROUND.
CATHY:
What are you doing, Monkey man? Get down at once, do you hear me? I’ve never seen anything like it!
PAULINE:
Thank you, Mickey, love. Thank you.
SHE EXITS. CATHY HAS AN ACID LOOK ON HER FACE.
SCENE 12. EXT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
THE MAN IN THE DELIVERY VAN WALKS UP TO THE DENTON’S DOOR WITH THE BOX THAT READS ‘TOAD IN TRANSIT’ ON IT. HE RINGS THE BELL. HARVEY ANSWERS IT.
DELIVERY MAN:
Hi, I’ve got a frog for a Mr. Denton?
HARVEY’S FACE DROPS AS HE LOOKS AT THE DELIVERY MAN.
HARVEY:
A what?
DELIVERY MAN:
A…frog.
HARVEY:
How dare you, sir! In this house, we do not use the F-word! This…is a toad!
HE TAKES THE BOX AND RETURNS INSIDE, CLOSING THE DOOR.
SCENE 13. EXT. HOUSE. DAY.
WE SEE PAPA LAZAROU’S SHADOW ON THE GARAGE DOOR. IT CROSSES TO THE FRONT DOOR. A GRIMY HAND RAPS THE DOOR KNOCKER. A HOUSEWIFE ANSWERS THE DOOR.
HOUSEWIFE:
Yes?
PAPA LAZAROU:
Hello, Dave?
HOUSEWIFE:
I’m sorry?
PAPA LAZAROU:
Is that Dave?
HOUSEWIFE:
Oh, no. I think you’ve got the wrong house.
PAPA LAZAROU:
OK…is Dave there?
HOUSEWIFE:
No, there’s no-one called Dave here.
PAPA LAZAROU:
OK…
THE HOUSEWIFE TRIES TO CLOSE THE DOOR, BUT PAPA LAZAROU PUTS HIS FOOT IN IT, FORCING HIS WAY IN.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Dave…my wife would like to use your toilet.
HOUSEWIFE:
No, I really don’t think…
SCENE 14. INT. HOUSE. DAY.
PAPA LAZAROU BANGS THE DOOR WITH HIS SHOULDER AND CRASHES INTO THE HALL. MAMA LAZAROU AND THE DOG RUSH UP THE STAIRS.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Don’t worry, Dave, she won’t go in the sink again!
PAPA LAZAROU SHOUTS GIBBERISH AFTER HER. HE RUNS INTO THE LOUNGE. THE HOUSEWIFE FOLLOWS HIM.
Want to buy some pegs, Dave?
HOUSEWIFE:
I’m sorry?
PAPA LAZAROU:
I got some pegs belonging to you!
HE OPENS UP HIS LONG COAT, REVEALING LOTS OF CLOTHES PEGS.
HOUSEWIFE:
No, I’m alright thank you…is your wife…
PAPA LAZAROU:
My wife?
HOUSEWIFE:
Yes, is she –
PAPA LAZAROU:
She won’t be long, Dave. Get sat down if you like?
HOUSEWIFE:
No, there’s been a misunderstanding. You’re in the wrong house!
MAMA LAZAROU ENTERS THE LOUNGE, SPEAKING GIBBERISH. SHE HANDS PAPA LAZAROU TWO BATHROOM SINK TAPS.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Dave, my wife tells me there is a block in your toilet!
HOUSEWIFE:
No there isn’t!
PAPA LAZAROU WAVES THE TAPS AROUND.
PAPA LAZAROU:
There is now…sit down, Dave – my wife will begin the reading.
MAMA LAZAROU PULLS THE HOUSEWIFE ONTO THE SOFA. SHE SPITS ON THE HOUSEWIFE’S HAND.
HOUSEWIFE:
I’ve got nothing against you…travelling people, but I don’t want my palm read! Now you’re intruding on my property and I’ll have to ask you to leave!
MAMA LAZAROU SCREECHES AS SHE READS SOMETHING ON HER PALM, AND SPEAKS GIBBERISH TO PAPA LAZAROU.
PAPA LAZAROU:
You’re not Dave!
HOUSEWIFE:
Yes I know! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
PAPA LAZAROU:
It’s OK, Dave. My wife will continue to read your fortune, but you must cross her palm with silver…
HOUSEWIFE:
But I haven’t got any silver!
MAMA LAZAROU PULLS HER WEDDING RING OFF.
Ow! That’s my wedding ring!
PAPA LAZAROU:
Oh, this is just a saga now! I’m going to toilet, Dave…but I’ll be back in a moment.
HE EXITS AND WE HEAR HIM WALK UP THE STAIRS. MAMA LAZAROU WAITS, THEN PULLS OFF HER SHAWL.
MAMA LAZAROU:
Please! You have to help me! He thinks I’m his wife!
HOUSEWIFE:
What?
MAMA LAZAROU:
He made me go with him – please help me!
HOUSEWIFE:
Who is he?
MAMA LAZAROU:
I don’t know, he just came to my house!
HOUSEWIFE:
But you speak to him, that language…
MAMA LAZAROU:
I make it up! It’s gibberish! He’s coming back – please do as he says. Don’t make him angry…he can…do things.
MAMA LAZAROU REPLACES HER SHAWL. PAPA LAZAROU APPEARS BEHIND THE HOUSEWIFE.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Dave!
SHE JUMPS IN SHOCK.
My wife was right…there IS a block in your toilet but…I’ve fixed it now.
HOUSEWIFE:
Thank you.
PAPA LAZAROU STROKES HER HAIR.
PAPA LAZAROU:
That’s OK…Dave?
HOUSEWIFE:
Yes?
PAPA LAZAROU SPEAKS SLOW AND DELIBERATE GIBBERISH AT HER, ENDING WITH A WORD THAT SOUNDS LIKE A QUESTION. MAMA LAZAROU LOOKS AT THE HOUSEWIFE, INDICATING THAT SHE SHOULD RESPOND. SHE REPLIES WITH WHATEVER GIBBERISH COMES INTO HER HEAD. PAPA LAZAROU LOOKS OVERJOYED.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Of course you can! We would love you to join us!
HE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. SHE DROPS HER WEDDING RING INTO IT, AND HE WAVES IT ABOUT, DELIGHTED.
You’re my wife, now!
THE HOUSEWIFE NODS, RESIGNED TO HER FATE. PAPA LAZAROU TAKES HER HAND AND LEADS HER OUT OF THE LOUNGE, MAMA LAZAROU FOLLOWING.
A YOUNG MAN, COLLIER, HURRIES DOWN THE STREET, PASSING THE PORTABLE TOILET, WHERE TWO DEAD BODIES NOW LIE. BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES UP THE ROAD, AND COLLIER BACKS OUT THE WAY AS BENJAMIN, COVERED IN MUD AND DRESSED IN A GRASS SKIRT, RUNS PAST, GIBBERING. COLLIER ENTERS THE BUTCHERS’ SHOP.
SCENE 16. INT. BUTCHER’S SHOP. DAY.
HILARY BRISS AND SAM CHIGNELL ARE HAVING A LAUGH ABOUT SOMETHING.
HILARY:
Ah, what can I do for you, young sir?
COLLIER:
Erm…a pound of director’s sausages, please!
HILARY MAKES A POSITIVE HAND GESTURE AND FETCHES THEM.
SAM:
What’s that caterpillar on your top lip? Your dad not taught you how to shave, yet?
SAM CHUCKLES AND WINKS AT HIM.
COLLIER:
Have you got pease pudding?
HILARY:
I daresay.
COLLIER:
And, erm…can I have some of your special stuff?
HILARY DROPS HIS KNIFE. SAM LOOKS AWAY. HILARY TRIES TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
HILARY:
You…going to this funfair then?
SAM:
I expect so – I enjoy a turn on the Ferris wheel.
COLLIER:
Please, Mr Briss? I really want to give it a go!
HILARY:
Don’t know what you’re talking about.
COLLIER:
I reckon I’m ready for it!
HILARY:
Do you, now?
SAM:
Come on…on your way…there’s a good kid.
COLLIER:
Let me have some, Mr Briss, or you’ll regret it!
HILARY:
Don’t! …Threaten me…
COLLIER:
I’ll go to the bobbies!
HILARY AND SAM EXCHANGE GLANCES.
I mean it!
JUST THEN, A POLICEMAN, INSPECTOR COX, ENTERS FROM THE BACK OF THE SHOP. HE WIPES HIS MOUTH AND BURPS.
INSPECTOR COX:
Is there a problem, Hilary?
HILARY:
No, Inspector Cox.
HILARY PUTS THE BAG WITH COLLIER’S SAUSAGES AND PEASE PUDDING ON THE COUNTER.
I think young Mr. Collier was just leaving…
COLLIER GRABS THE BAG, PUTS SOME MONEY ON THE COUNTER AND LEAVES. HILARY, SAM AND INSPECTOR COX CHUCKLE. FROM INSPECTOR COX’S NOSE WE SEE A TRICKLE OF BLOOD START TO EMERGE.
SCENE 18. EXT. CIRCUS. NIGHT.
THE CIRCUS IS IN FULL SWING – THE FERRIS WHEEL IS TURNING AND PEOPLE ARE PLAYING GAMES ETC. AT STALLS. WE SEE PAULINE AND MICKEY ENTER.
AT A STALL CALLED ‘HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH ME’ A RED INDIAN STANDS NEXT TO AN ORIENTAL LOOKING MAN. A WOMAN TAKES A PICTURE, AND THE RED INDIAN WALKS OFF. A PAIR OF SIAMESE TWINS PLAY LIVELY ACCORDIAN MUSIC. PAULINE AND MICKEY STAND AT A SHOOTING GALLERY. PAULINE PAYS THE STALL OWNER, A TRANSVESTITE.
PAULINE:
Two, please.
MICKEY LOOKS AT THE TRANSVESTITE IN CONFUSION.
Don’t worry, Mickey, love. It’s only a man in a dress.
THE STALL OWNER LOADS THE RIFLE AND PUSHES IT INTO PAULINE’S HANDS.
MICKEY:
What are you going to do, Pauline?
PAULINE:
Don’t worry! I’ll think of something…
SHE SHOOTS THE RIFLE, HITTING A TEDDY BEAR STRAIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES WITH THE PELLET. PAULINE AND MICKEY SMILE, EMBARRASSED, AND WALK OFF.
SCENE 19. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. NIGHT.
VAL SITS AT THE WINDOW, LOOKING OUT. IT IS THUNDER AND LIGHTNING OUTSIDE, AND SHE STARES DISTANTLY.
HARVEY:
Val! You’re not listening, Val! Specimen 397 – the Colombian Natterjack. Also known as…the Devil’s toad! Many are the tales attached to this poor misunderstood little fellow. The Mapapa tribes of the Shakti Hills believe this animal to be a source of great magical power! They do say, that if one were to squeeze his little yellow belly, one’s heart’s desire would be granted.
VAL LOOKS OVER IN INTEREST.
Of course, if only life were that simple…
HARVEY PICKS UP THE TOAD AND CLOSES HIS EYES.
I would have wished for a self lowering lavatory seat a long, long, long time ago…That reminds me!
HE PLACES THE TOAD BACK IN IT’S TANK.
Time to make toilet!
HARVEY EXITS. VAL WAITS UNTIL SHE HEARS HIS FOOTSTEPS RECEED, THEN REACHES INTO THE TANK FOR THE TOAD.
SCENE 20. INT. TOILET. NIGHT.
HARVEY SNAPS A RUBBER GLOVE ON, AND USES A PAIR OF TONGS TO LIFT THE TOILET SEAT AND UNZIP THE FLY OF HIS TROUSERS. HE LIFTS HIS PENIS OUT WITH THE TONGS AS WELL, AND COMMENCES URINATING. HE SIGHS WITH RELIEF.
SCENE 21. INT. CIRCUS TENT. NIGHT.
PAPA LAZAROU, NOW DRESSED IN THE TOP HAT AND RED WAISTCOAT OF A RINGMASTER, LEADS THE HOUSEWIFE BACK INSIDE THE TENT.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Pebble! How’s it going? Good audience?
PEBBLE:
Not bad. I see you’ve got another one!
PAPA LAZAROU:
Yes…put her with the rest.
PEBBLE:
Yes, Papa Lazarou.
PAPA LAZAROU:
I got to get on with the show.
THERE IS APPLAUSE FROM THE MAIN TENT OF THE CIRCUS. MAMA LAZAROU CACKLES AND JANGLES A SET OF KEYS AS PEBBLE LEADS THE HOUSEWIFE OFF.
SCENE 22. INT. MAIN TENT. NIGHT.
PAPA LAZAROU EMERGES TO APPLAUSE.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Papa Lazarou…
SCENE 23. INT. CIRCUS TENT. NIGHT.
AS PAPA LAZAROU INTRODUCES THE SHOW, WE SEE PEBBLE LEAD THE HOUSEWIFE TO A HUGE CAGE FULL OF WOMEN.
PAPA LAZAROU (V.O):
I’m here tonight to demonstrate my amazing psychic powers!
PEBBLE AND SIMBA GRAB A HOSE AND BEGIN DOUSING THE WOMEN IN THE CAGE WITH WATER. THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT AS THEY ARE SOAKED TO THE SKIN.
SIMBA AND PEBBLE LAUGH AS THEY WET THEM DOWN.
SCENE 24. MAIN TENT. NIGHT.
PAPA LAZAROU IS STANDING WITH AN OLD LADY, ANNIE RAINS, FROM THE AUDIENCE. HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS PSYCHIC DISPLAY.
PAPA LAZAROU:
I sense grief…are you grieving?
ANNIE:
Yes.
PAPA LAZAROU:
I sense it was for someone close.
ANNIE:
Yes, my husband, George.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Was it…your sister Mary?
ANNIE:
No! It were my husband, George!
PAPA LAZAROU:
So…who is this Mary?
ANNIE:
I don’t know!
PAPA LAZAROU:
Then why do you grieve for her, so?
ANNIE:
I don’t…
PAPA LAZAROU:
Good. Because she tells you not to grieve…!
HE TAKES A BOW TO APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE. ANNIE LOOKS BEWILDERED.
ANNIE:
Ask her who she is. Do I know her?
PAPA LAZAROU:
No, you don’t. So you must let her go! Let her go and be in peace!
HE RAISES HIS ARMS DRAMATICALLY. THERE IS WHISTLING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
But wait…I’m hearing another voice. His name…is George!
ANNIE:
George! Can I speak to him?
PAPA LAZAROU:
No, he’s dead. But…you can speak to him through me.
PAPA LAZAROU MAKES SOME RIDICULOUS HAND MOVEMENTS AS HE PREPARES TO CHANNEL THE DEAD THROUGH HIS BODY.
Now I am George.
ANNIE:
George?
PAPA LAZAROU:
Yes?
ANNIE:
Is that you, George?
PAPA LAZAROU ANSWERS IMPATIENTLY.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Yes it is, ask me a question!
ANNIE:
Say my name, George.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Alright…
IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO HIM THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW ANNIE’S NAME.
What’s your name?
ANNIE:
Annie.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Hello, Annie. Give us your wedding ring.
ANNIE:
What?
PAPA LAZAROU:
Your wedding ring – give it to Papa Lazarou!
ANNIE:
Why?
PAPA LAZAROU:
Just do it…I’m dead now. There’s no point in having it…come on!
HE PULLS THE RING FROM HER FINGER.
ANNIE:
But…are you alright, George? Are you happy?
PAPA LAZAROU:
I’m fine! It’s nice here in Heaven, you’ll like it! I’m fading now, Annie! Goodbye…goodbye!
PAPA LAZAROU GOES LIMP AS HE RETURNS TO HIS FORMER SELF, THE DEMONSTRATION NOW OVER. HE TAKES OFF HIS HAT AND BOWS TO APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD. ANNIE GOES TO RETURN TO HER SEAT, BUT PAPA LAZAROU TURNS HER AROUND AND ESCORTS HER TO THE BACK OF THE TENT.
You’re my wife, now!
HE LAUGHS EVILLY.
SCENE 25. EXT. CIRCUS. NIGHT.
CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE DENTON STAND BY THE GIANT, LOOKING AT HIM.
GIANT:
My weight is seventeen stone…the circumference of my neck is eighteen inches…the span across my hand is…
GIRLS:
Seven and a half inches!
THE GIANT LOOKS AT THEM, CONFUSED AT HOW THEY KNOW THIS.
GIANT:
The…the…width across my shoulders is…
GIRLS:
Twenty six inches!
THE GIANT STARTS TO STUTTER.
GIANT:
My…my…er…
GIRLS:
Three and a half inches!
BARBARA (V.O):
It’s not even a real beard!
WE SEE BARBARA FIGHTING WITH THE BEARDED LADY.
I’m more of a freak than she is!
THE BEARDED LADY KICKS BARBARA AND SHE GOES DOWN.
PEBBLE (V.O):
Roll up! Roll up! Win a goldfish! Each one alive, alive, alive!
DR. CHINNERY, WHO IS PASSING THE STALL, HEARS THIS AND APPROACHES THE STALL.
DR. CHINNERY:
I’ll try my hand.
PEBBLE GIVES HIM A BALL.
Now, there’s a knack to this! I’ll take a step back if I may.
HE TOSSES THE BALL AT THE BOWLS ON THE STALL. IT MISSES, AND SECONDS LATER THE STALL COLLAPSES, SENDING THE FISH SCATTERING ON THE FLOOR.
DR. CHINNERY WHISTLES AND WANDERS OFF AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.
BENJAMIN, STILL WEARING A GRASS SKIRT AND COVERED IN MUD, RUNS THROUGH THE CIRCUS, SCATTERING PEOPLE AS HE GOES. HE RUNS, DISORIENTATED, INTO THE GHOST TRAIN.
SCENE 26. INT. GHOST TRAIN. NIGHT.
VINNIE AND REENIE RIDE IN A CART THROUGH THE GHOST TRAIN. A MAN DRESSED AS A GHOST DRIFTS PAST THEM.
VINNIE:
Ooh, is that a bag on his head?
REENIE:
I think it is, yeah.
THE MAN DRESSED AS THE GHOST BUMPS INTO BENJAMIN. THE GHOST MAN SCREAMS, AND RUNS OUT THE RIDE, ACROSS THE CIRCUS.
SCENE 27. MAIN TENT. NIGHT.
PAPA LAZAROU IS INTRODUCING ANOTHER PART OF THE ACT.
PAPA LAZAROU:
Ladies and gentlemen…mesdames et messeurs…damen und herren! I give you…Le Terrible Enfant Oiseau!
A MAN DRESSED AS A BIRD HANGS FROM THE CEILING. PEOPLE APPLAUD AS A SPOTLIGHT LIGHTS IT UP. AT THAT MOMENT, THE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE’S NOSES START BLEEDING IN UNISON. PAPA LAZAROU FROWNS IN DISGUST AS MORE AND MORE PEOPLE’S NOSES START BLEEDING. HE RETREATS BACKSTAGE.
SCENE 28. EXT. MAIN TENT. NIGHT.
IT IS RAINING, AND THE DWARVES APPROACH PAPA LAZAROU AS HE EXITS THE TENT.
SIMBA:
Boss! Boss! The guys want to pack up and leave!
TIK-TIK:
These people freak me out!
PAPA LAZAROU:
I know what you mean! Let’s get out of here!
THE CIRCUS PERFORMERS, STALL OWNERS ETC. RUN OFF.
SCENE 29. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. NIGHT.
HARVEY FINISHES URINATING. HE DOES HIS ZIP BACK UP WITH THE TONGS, BUT AS HE GOES TO LOWER THE TOILET SEAT, IT LOWERS ON IT’S OWN. HARVEY GASPS IN SURPRISE.
HARVEY:
Val! Val!
HE EXITS THE TOILET AND RUNS DOWN TO THE LOUNGE.
Val! You will not believe what I have just…
HE ENTERS THE LOUNGE TO SEE VAL HOLDING THE TOAD ALOFT, HER EYES CLOSED AND FINGERS CROSSED, MAKING A WISH.
What are you doing?
THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HARVEY:
Don’t open it!
VAL:
There’s somebody there!
SHE SMILES AND TOSSES THE TOAD OVER HER SHOULDER. SHE RUNS OFF INTO THE HALL. HARVEY DOESN’T KNOW WHICH TO ATTEND TO FIRST, BUT FOLLOWS VAL INTO THE HALL. VAL FEVERISHLY TRIES TO UNLOCK THE DOOR.
HARVEY:
Don’t answer it!
VAL:
I must!
THE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR GROWS MORE IMPATIENT.
HARVEY:
Val!
VAL HEAVES THE DOOR OPEN AND BENJAMIN LITERALLY FALLS INTO THE HALL, DRESSED IN HIS GRASS SKIRT, SMEARED WITH MUD AND WEARING TWO HALVES OF A COCONUT LIKE A BIKINI. HE COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR.
VAL:
It’s Benjamin!
HARVEY:
Benjamin! Where have you been?
BENJAMIN:
Local…
HARVEY AND VAL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, CONCERNED. BEFORE BENJAMIN PASSES OUT, HE DROPS A SNOWSTORM VERY MUCH LIKE THOSE SOLD IN THE LOCAL SHOP.
END CREDITS. |
