Death in Royston Vasey - Broadcast (4 Feb 00)
CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Pam Doove, Geoff Tipps, Henry Portrait,
Vinnie Wythenshaw, Judee Levinson, Edward Tattsyrup, Benjamin Denton, Sam Chignell
MARK GATISS Hilary Briss, Iris Krell, Brian Morgan, Female
Customer, Murray Mint, Val Denton, Dr. Chinnery
STEVE PEMBERTON Maurice Evans, Mike Harris, Ally Welles,
Reenie Calver, Tubbs Tattsyrup, Herr Lipp,
Jed Hunter, Harvey Denton, Mrs De Courcey, Pop
WITH
ROY “CHUBBY” BROWN
MARTIN CROCKER
BLAKE RITSON
ALAN FAULKNER
CHRIS FREENEY
PAUL HAYES-MARSHALL
JENNIFER LIM
HELEN LAMBERT
DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK
WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON
SCENE 1. EXT. WOODS. NIGHT.
A CAR DRIVES DOWN A SECLUDED PATH. WE SEE HILARY, ARMED WITH A TORCH, STRIDING INTO THE FOREST, DRAGGING A RELUCTANT MAURICE ALONG WITH HIM.
MAURICE:
Please, Hilary. Where are we going?
HILARY:
There’s going to be a delivery.
MAURICE:
A special delivery?
WE SEE HILARY IS CARRYING A BAG OF TOOLS.
HILARY:
Now you know the Red Cross arrive in a few hours, so I want to be in and out, sharpish.
HILARY STOPS AS HE SEES SOMEONE APPROACHING IN THE DISTANCE. MAURICE CLUTCHES HILARY’S ARM. OVER THE BROW OF THE HILL STANDS THE SILHOUETTE OF A MAN HOLDING A SHADOWY APE-LIKE CREATURE’S HAND. MAURICE CANNOT BEAR TO LOOK.
SCENE 2. EXT. BUTCHER’S SHOP. DAY.
HILARY OPENS THE METAL SHUTTERS TO BEGIN THE DAY’S TRADE. IN THE BAG BY HIS FEET ARE SEVERAL PACKAGES, ALL WRAPPED IN PAPER. HILARY LOOKS AROUND AS HE HEARS A HELICOPTER IN THE DISTANCE. WE SEE IT IS HEADING FOR ROYSTON VASEY.
OPENING TITLES – PAM DOOVE, AN ACTRESS, LOOKS ON A PIECE OF PAPER FOR THE WAY TO HER AUDITION. A RED CROSS VAN DRIVES DOWN THE STREET. A VAN DRIVES ALONG WITH ‘MOBILE LIBRARY’ WRITTEN ON THE SIDE. INSIDE, PEOPLE ARE SAT AT TABLES READING BOOKS, AS THE VAN BUMPS IT’S WAY ALONG AN UNEVEN PATCH OF ROAD. A SIGN READS ‘ANIMAL FACE PAINTING’. INSTEAD OF CHILDREN HAVING THEIR FACES PAINTED LIKE LIONS ETC. THERE IS A LADY HOLDING A CAT UP, AND A WOMAN APPLYING FACE PAINT TO IT. A QUEUE OF PEOPLE WAIT FOR THEIR PET’S TO BE MADE UP. THE RED CROSS VAN IS PARKED OUTSIDE IRIS’ FLAT, AND PEOPLE STAND OUTSIDE, HOLDING HANDKERCHIEFS TO THEIR NOSES. A WOMAN IN THE FLAT BELOW IRIS’ TAKES IN TWO BOTTLES OF MILK. IRIS COMES OUT FROM HER FLAT AND COLLECTS TWO BOTTLES OF MALIBU. AS SHE SHUTS THE DOOR WE SEE A LEAFLET STICKING THROUGH IT THAT READS ‘EARN £££ FROM YOUR HOME – SELL IT’.
SCENE 3. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES ALONG.
BARBARA (V.O):
So, you’ve got a big do on, have you?
SCENE 4. INT. TAXI. DAY.
MIKE, GEOFF AND BRIAN SIT IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI.
MIKE:
It’s our annual conference, Babara.
GEOFF:
Annual piss up!
MIKE:
All the top brass from head office come down to the countryside for a bit of male bonding.
BARBARA:
Maybe I should come with you, then. Mind you, who’d want to bond with me? I’m neither nowt nor summat.
BRIAN:
You alright, Barbara? You sound a bit down.
BARBARA:
Well, to tell you the truth, I’m on.
GEOFF:
On? What do you mean, on?
BARBARA:
Time of the month, you know! I woke up this morning and my bed was like a butcher’s slab.
GEOFF:
Urgh! Disgusting!
BRIAN:
Biologically speaking, how can you…?
BARBARA:
God knows. Maybe it’s psychosomatic. All I know is I’m back to where I started!
GEOFF:
What? A big, fat hairy man in a dress?
BARBARA:
Right, I’ve had enough of this!
BARBARA STOPS THE TAXI.
Get out! You can bloody walk to your conference! Chauvinist pig!
GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN GET OUT AND GET THEIR THINGS FROM THE BOOT.
BRIAN:
Well done, Geoff (!)
GEOFF:
It’s not my fault!
BARBARA:
As a woman, I could have you under the Sex Discrimination Act!
BARBARA DRIVES OFF.
GEOFF:
As a woman, we could have you under the Trades Descriptions Act!
WE SEE THE TAXI DRIVING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AND THE THREE MEN LEFT STRANDED.
SCENE 5. EXT. STREET. DAY.
HENRY AND ALLY WALK ALONG, CHATTING.
ALLY:
Alright. Who would win out of “Alien” and “Species”?
HENRY:
Er…”Alien” one?
ALLY:
Yeah.
HENRY:
“Species”.
ALLY:
Incorrect. “Alien” could bleed acid onto “Species” when “Species” is a naked woman.
HENRY:
That would be a video worth watching.
SCENE 6. INT. CHARITY SHOP. DAY.
REENIE HUMS TO HERSELF AS SHE BUSIES HERSELF IN THE SHOP. VINNIE WRITES IN THE BOOK.
REENIE:
How are we doing for bags, dear?
VINNIE:
Just a minute, dear. I’m in the book.
REENIE:
What’s that, dear? You’re having a look?
VINNIE:
No, I’m in the book.
REENIE:
No need to be rude, dear.
VINNIE:
I’m not being rude, dear.
REENIE:
You are rude, dear.
VINNIE:
I’m not.
VINNIE POKES HER TONGUE OUT AT REENIE WHEN SHE’S NOT LOOKING. A FEMALE CUSTOMER ENTERS THE SHOP.
CUSTOMER:
Excuse me?
VINNIE:
Just a minute, dear. Is it two T’s in “cassette”, dear?
REENIE:
What’s that, dear? Two teas?
VINNIE:
Yeah!
REENIE:
Right.
VINNIE:
Cassette…
SHE WRITES IN THE BOOK.
What can I do for you, dear?
CUSTOMER:
I brought you some stuff.
VINNIE RUSHES ROUND TO HAVE A LOOK IN HER BAG.
VINNIE:
Lovely! Good stuff, is it?
SHE GRABS THE BAG AND RUNS BACK BEHIND THE COUNTER.
CUSTOMER:
Yes, a lot of it’s new. Mainly baby stuff. I just won’t need it any more…
VINNIE HOLDS UP A TEDDY BEAR.
VINNIE:
What’s that?
CUSTOMER:
A teddy.
VINNIE:
It’s a teddy, is it?
CUSTOMER:
Yes, it’s new. I could have taken it back, but…
VINNIE:
Has it got a special mark on it? It needs a special mark on it or we can’t take it!
CUSTOMER:
I don’t know…
VINNIE:
No, there’s no special mark. I can’t take it without a special mark!
CUSTOMER:
Special mark?
REENIE ENTERS WITH TWO CUPS OF TEA.
REENIE:
Here we are, dear. Two teas.
SHE NOTICES THE CUSTOMER.
I didn’t make you one, dear!
CUSTOMER:
That’s OK.
REENIE:
What’s that?
VINNIE:
It’s a teddy!
REENIE:
It’s a teddy, is it? Has it got a special mark on it?
VINNIE:
No, I was just explaining to the lady.
REENIE:
No, you see we can’t take this?
CUSTOMER:
Why not?
VINNIE:
Well it’s not safe, dear. All the safe ones have got a special mark! It could have glass in it!
REENIE:
Or sand, dear! Give this to a kiddie – it could die!
VINNIE:
It’s a death trap! It wouldn’t be right if we took it.
THE FEMALE CUSTOMER STARTS SOBBING AT THE MENTION OF DEAD CHILDREN.
REENIE:
I think the Spastics will have it!
VINNIE:
They’ll take anything. Or Cancer – find Cancer a few doors down.
CUSTOMER:
Right.
REENIE:
Ooh, we’ll keep the bag if we may, dear.
REENIE SPRINGS FORWARD AND TAKES THE CARRIER BAG FROM THE CUSTOMER. SHE EMPTIES OUT THE CHILDREN’S TOYS AND INSPECTS IT. THE CUSTOMER DROPS TO THE FLOOR AND GATHERS UP THE TOYS, CRYING.
VINNIE:
Yeah, it’s a good bag is that.
REENIE:
Plastic, is it?
VINNIE:
I think it is.
REENIE:
Has it got a special mark on it?
VINNIE:
Special mark?
REENIE:
It needs a special mark or we can’t take it.
(TO CUSTOMER)
You could kill a kiddie with this!
VINNIE:
Death trap, is it?
REENIE:
It hasn’t got a special mark…
VINNIE:
We can’t take it! It’s not safe!
CUSTOMER:
Well give to the Spastics, then!
SHE RUNS OUT.
REENIE:
Ooh, she’s no need to be so rude, has she, dear?
VINNIE:
No, dear. Two teas?
REENIE:
Yeah, I’ll get them.
SHE PICKS UP THE TEA CUPS SHE BROUGHT IN MOMENTS AGO AND EXITS.
SCENE 7. EXT. STREET. DAY.
A VAN IS PARKED UP, WITH A SIGN THAT READS ‘MOBILE SWIMMING POOL’ ON THE SIDE. FROM THE BACK OF THE VAN, A MAN IN SWIMMING TRUNKS GETS OUT AND STARTS DRYING HIMSELF OFF. FROM THE BUILDING NEXT TO IT, THE COUNCIL BUILDING, THE MAYOR (LARRY VAUGHN) AND HIS ASSISTANT (MURRAY MINT) WALK OUT.
MURRAY:
Right, we’ve got Ouse FM this afternoon, then a press conference at the town hall. And this is Look North, which is going out live, so…
MAYOR:
I know what you’re going to say, you’re going to tell me I can’t swear.
THE MAYOR HURRIES OFF.
MURRAY:
You do have a bit of a reputation. I won’t turn the air blue, Murray. Don’t worry.
THE MAYOR WALKS UP TO SOME BROADCASTING PEOPLE, A PRESENTER HOLDING A MICROPHONE, AND A CAMERAMAN.
Now, where do I stand?
PRESENTER:
Oh, just there. Now you do know we’re going out live?
MAYOR:
Don’t worry.
THE PRESENTER BEGINS HIS REPORT TO THE CAMERA.
PRESENTER:
Thank you, Harry. I’m joined now by the Mayor of Royston Vasey, Larry Vaughn. Mayor Vaughn, a lot of activity in the town today? What’s going on?
MAYOR:
Yes, well as you can see, it’s a beautiful day - the sun is shining, and it’s like a routine vaccination programme, sort of having a flu jab.
PRESENTER:
Right, and what about the nosebleeds?
THE CROWD REACT TO THIS.
MAYOR:
I’m sure it’s perfectly innocent, no need to panic.
PRESENTER:
Mayor Vaughn – thank you.
MAYOR:
It’s a fucking pleasure.
HE REALISES HE HAS JUST SWORN ON LIVE TV.
SCENE 8. EXT. IRIS’ FLAT. DAY.
JUDEE LEVINSON WALKS DOWN THE ROAD TO HER FLAT, DRESSED IN HORRIBLY GARISH CLOTHING. WE HEAR SOMEONE HAVING SEX INSIDE THE FLAT. JUDEE RINGS THE DOORBELL, AND A SMALL BOY ANSWERS THE DOOR.
JUDEE:
Oh, hello, love. Is your mum in?
IRIS (V.O):
Ron! I’m nearly there! Use me! Use me!
JUDEE:
Would you tell her Mrs Levinson’s here?
BOY:
Yeah.
HE WALKS TO THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS.
Mum!
IRIS WALKS TO THE DOOR IN HER DRESSING GOWN AND UNDERWEAR.
IRIS:
Oh, hello, Mrs Levinson! I got your place all spick and span…I wasn’t expecting you back until this afternoon.
JUDEE:
Obviously.
IRIS:
We were just doing some DIY – Ron was filling a crack in the bedroom.
JUDEE:
So I heard. The plane was early. I thought I’d pop round for my keys.
IRIS:
Right, well. Come in, I’ll put a brew on.
SCENE 9. INT. IRIS’ FLAT. DAY.
JUDEE AND IRIS WALK INTO THE LOUNGE WHICH IS A SCENE OF UTTER CHAOS. CHILDREN FIGHT EACH OTHER, RUN AROUND AND CAUSE GENERAL HAVOC. THE ROOM IS A TIP.
IRIS:
Behave!
SHE SLAPS ONE CHILD ROUND THE HEAD.
Tanya, get down!
SHE SHOOS A DOG OFF THE SOFA.
She’s just had another litter.
JUDEE:
What, you or the dog?
IRIS:
What?
JUDEE:
Nothing!
JUDEE IS OBVIOUSLY DISGUSTED WITH THE SURROUNDINGS.
IRIS ENTERS THE KITCHEN. JUDEE CLEARS A CHAIR AND GINGERLY SITS DOWN.
So…is your Ricky out on parole, yet? Terrible business that…dropping cement blocks off the flyover?
IRIS:
It were never proved…
JUDEE:
Oh, no. I’m sure your Ricky’s blameless. Eddy and I can’t wait to attend our Matthew’s graduation. He’s done ever so well – a first. I’m so proud. Have you ever considered college for your ten?
IRIS:
Well, if I’d not had that stillbirth we’d have had enough for a football team, so…
JUDEE:
I wonder if you’d come round this afternoon and do a couple of hours? I want the place clean, what with this health scare.
IRIS:
Oh yeah. I know what you mean.
IRIS PUTS A DOG BOWL OF BAKED BEANS ON THE FLOOR. THE DOG STARTS EATING, BUT THEN THE CHILDREN PUSH THE DOG AWAY AND START FIGHTING OVER THE FOOD IN THE BOWL.
JUDEE:
I can see how it must be hard with so many. The mischief they get up to, not just Ricky. There was Damien and that toddler in the quarry pond. Still…
SHE NEARLY TREADS IN AN OVERFLOWING CAT LITTER TRAY.
…you’ve got this place nice.
EAGER TO BE OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE, JUDEE EXITS WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD. IRIS SIGHS AND LOOKS AT THE HAVOC HER KIDS ARE CAUSING.
IRIS:
Yes…Mrs Levinson.
SCENE 10. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
A LAND ROVER AMBULANCE DRIVES SLOWLY DOWN A MUDDY TRACK. IT STOPS, AND THE DRIVER GETS OUT CARRYING A PETROL CAN. HE SEES THE LOCAL SHOP, AND MAKES TOWARDS IT.
SCENE 11. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
TUBBS IS WRITING SOMETHING DOWN. EDWARD ENTERS FROM THE BACK OF THE SHOP.
EDWARD:
Hello, hello? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!
TUBBS:
I’m writing a card for the shop window.
SHE READS FROM THE CARD.
“Wanted – no tail (a woman) to marry our son David in the attic”.
EDWARD:
Hmm, show me?
SHE HOLDS UP THE CARD. IT IS A MASS OF SCRIBBLES AND TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE. EDWARD READS IT.
Hmm, change that to “local no-tail”.
THERE IS ROARING FROM UPSTAIRS.
Alright, David!
EDWARD REACHES BELOW THE COUNTER AND PICKS UP A HUGE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH A TEAT ON THE END.
Dada’s coming!
HE EXITS. THE DOOR OPENS, AND THE AMBULANCE MAN ENTERS WITH HIS PETROL CAN.
AMBULANCE MAN:
Hello, there.
TUBBS:
Yes? Can I help you at all?
AMBULANCE MAN:
Do you know if there’s a garage anywhere? I was just driving by and I’ve ran out of petrol.
TUBBS:
Petral?
AMBULANCE MAN:
Yeah…a litre should get me into town.
HE HOLDS THE CAN OUT FOR TUBBS TO TAKE.
TUBBS:
This is a local shop for local people…there’s nothing for you here!
AMBULANCE MAN:
It is an emergency – I’m delivering medical supplies. No chance you could fill it up for me is there?
TUBBS THINKS.
TUBBS:
Oh, alright then! But I’ve only just gone this morning!
SHE PLACES THE CAN ON THE FLOOR AND BEGINS LOWERING HER TIGHTS AND UNDERWEAR.
AMBULANCE MAN:
I think I’ll try and find a garage…if I could just…
HE REACHES DOWN FOR THE PETROL CAN. TUBBS GRABS HIS HAND AND THRUSTS IT TO HER CROTCH.
TUBBS:
Edward! Edward!
EDWARD ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS.
EDWARD:
What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!
TUBBS:
He’s trying to grab my petral!
AMBULANCE MAN:
No, no…
TUBBS:
He spoke of walking, but not on legs! Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs!
AMBULANCE MAN:
Well I’ve got a car if that’s what she means…
EDWARD:
Devil! Propelled across land in a carriage of no horse drawn…belching Satan’s black wind into our clean and local air! This is a decent town and a local shop! There’s nothing for you here!
EDWARD PICKS UP THE PETROL CAN AND HANDS IT BACK TO THE AMBULANCE MAN.
AMBULANCE MAN:
Fine…I’ll be off.
HE EXITS.
TUBBS:
Edward?
EDWARD:
Don’t worry, Tubbs.
EDWARD JANGLES THE CAR KEYS HE’S TAKEN FROM THE AMBULANCE MAN.
He won’t get far!
THEY BOTH LAUGH, AND EXIT THE SHOP.
SCENE 12. EXT. STREET. DAY.
JUSTIN, THE YOUNG MAN WHO HERR LIPP IS STAYING WITH, WALKS ALONG THE STREET. HERR LIPP FLOUNCES UP TO HIM, CARRYING HIS PINK LEAFLET.
HERR LIPP:
Hello, Justin! How are you?
JUSTIN:
Yeah, alright.
HERR LIPP:
Alles klar. Now I’ve just been looking at my pink pomphlet, and I see that this afternoon we’re going to be seeing some caves in the lovely town of Royston Vasey, which will be a real good treat, hmm! But to make love with the boys this morning, I thought we could play fussball?
JUSTIN:
Great – England versus Germany?
HERR LIPP:
Ja! You could be the capital of Royston Vasey, and I could be the Queen of Duisberg!
JUSTIN:
We’ll have to toss for sides.
HERR LIPP:
Oh?
JUSTIN:
Do you want heads or tails?
HERR LIPP:
I’m easy, Justin. I know which side I’m playing on…
HE LEADS JUSTIN OFF. ON A CHURCH CROSS IS A SIGN THAT READS ‘OPEN AUDITIONS TODAY!’.
SCENE 13. INT. AUDITION ROOM. DAY.
A DIRECTOR, JED HUNTER, IS READING A SHEET OF NAMES.
JED:
OK, do we have a Pam Doove, or a Pamela Doove, next?
PAM STICKS HER HEAD ROUND THE DOOR.
PAM:
I’m Pam Doove!
SHE ENTERS.
JED:
Hello, how are you?
PAM:
Hmm, bit nervous!
JED:
Oh, don’t worry about that Pamela. Is it Pam or Pamela?
PAM:
Pam, Pamela, whatever.
JED:
OK, we’ll stick with Pamela for now, shall we? Right, my name’s Jed Hunter, I’m directing the commercial. I don’t know how much your agent has told you?
PAM:
Not very much, actually!
JED:
OK, don’t worry about that. Basically we’re scouring the country for a fresh face for Greenwood’s orange juice. We’re…in a newsagents. It’s a beautiful day outside, and a young girl – Pamela – walks into the shop, looks around a little bit and says “excuse me, has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?” and that’s it. It’s part of a montage thing.
PAM:
Would you want movements within it?
JED:
No…no. She comes into the shop, obviously, she looks around a bit and then says “excuse me, has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?” and that’s it. So…if you wanted to give us that in your own time, that’d be cool!
PAM PSYCHES HERSELF UP.
PAM:
Actually, do you think I could go out and come back in again?
JED:
Yeah, whatever’s good for you, Pamela. Cool…cool…cool…
PAM EXITS AND THEN COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM IN CHARACTER. SHE WALKS UP TO THE VIDEO CAMERA THAT IS SET UP AND SAYS, IN A RIDICULOUS FORCED ACCENT:
PAM:
Eskewed beef! Have anybody got any bockle ourange joof?
SHE LOOKS TO JED FOR A REACTION. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR SAY.
JED:
OK…um…don’t know what happened there, Pamela, but I lost the line.
PAM:
Really?
JED:
Yeah, I think perhaps a bit more diction, because some of the words were…so the actual line is “excuse me, has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?”.
PAM:
I’ll go out and come back in again.
JED:
Yeah, cool.
PAM EXITS AND COMES BACK IN AGAIN. ALTHOUGH HER PRONOUNCIATION IS CLEARER, SHE IS STILL PUTTING ON THE SILLY ACCENT.
PAM:
Eskewed beef? Haff anybody got any bockle orange joof?
JED NODS.
JED:
OK. Again, I’m not getting a sense of the line as written. She’s 24, she’s walking into a newsagents and saying “excuse me, has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?” Just try and lighten her up a bit!
PAM:
Right…
JED:
Yeah…yeah.
SHE EXITS AND ENTERS AGAIN, IN CHARACTER. SHE MAKES HUMOROUS HAND GESTURES AND SMILES A LOT, BUT THE SILLY ACCENT IS STILL THERE.
PAM:
Eskewed beef? Haff anybody got any bockle orange joof?
JED BITES DOWN ON HIS CLIPBOARD.
PAM:
That too happy?
JED:
Do you get much work as an actress, Pamela?
PAM:
No…
JED:
No!
HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AS IF TO SAY ‘I THOUGHT NOT’.
SCENE 14. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
BENJAMIN ENTERS THE LOUNGE IN HIS PYJAMAS. HE SEES HARVEY SAT, NAKED, IN A CHAIR, LISTENING TO A RECORD ON SOME HEADPHONES. THE RECORD SLEEVE COVERS HIS MODESTY.
BENJAMIN:
Uncle Harvey?
HARVEY DOESN’T NOTICE HIM.
Auntie Val?
HE WALKS ACROSS TO THE KITCHEN, WHERE VAL IS DOING SOME WASHING UP COMPLETELY NAKED.
VAL:
Hello, Benjamin!
BENJAMIN:
Oh God, sorry!
HARVEY NOW SEES BENJAMIN.
HARVEY:
Ah, Benjamin! What’s the matter?
BENJAMIN:
Well…you’re naked!
VAL:
It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Benjamin.
HARVEY:
In this house, the first Monday of every month is Nude Day.
BENJAMIN:
Oh?
HARVEY:
Yes…
VAL WALKS INTO THE LOUNGE. HER PUBIC HAIR THREATENS TO TAKE OVER HER ENTIRE LOWER BODY.
A day when we cast aside the paraphernalia of the early 21st century and return to a simpler way of life, closer to nature’s intentions.
VAL:
Already this morning we’ve been to the supermarket, the post office and the newsagent.
BENJAMIN:
What, you’ve been wandering around like that?
VAL:
Well we can’t get the bus, there’s nowhere to put the change!
BENJAMIN:
Oh…well, I think I’ll go out and get some fresh air.
HARVEY STOPS BENJAMIN FROM LEAVING.
No, no, no, no, no…as I say, today is Nude Day.
BENJAMIN:
I don’t understand.
HARVEY:
Strip.
BENJAMIN:
I’m sorry?
HARVEY:
Take off your clothes.
VAL:
We can’t make any exceptions, Benjamin.
HARVEY:
Well surely you remember the rhyme – on the first day of the month, we see clearly. To be clothed all the time costs us dearly.
VAL:
So constricture away, be happy and gay…
HARVEY:
Let your bum, balls and ninnies swing freely!
BENJAMIN STARTS TO UNDRESS.
BENJAMIN:
No, I don’t remember that one.
HARVEY:
Ah, poor boy! He’s forgotten everything!
VAL:
Come along, Benjamin!
VAL TAKES BENJAMIN’S PYJAMA BOTTOMS OFF.
BENJAMIN:
Well, if you’re sure.
VAL:
Yes! This is how we always do it.
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
HARVEY:
Ah, get that for me, would you, Benjamin, please?
BENJAMIN:
Umm…
VAL:
Your uncle and I have some things to attend to.
HARVEY AND VAL EXIT, LEAVING BENJAMIN NO CHOICE. BENJAMIN WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT. THERE IS A DOCTOR STANDING THERE.
DOCTOR:
I’m just checking if I’ve got enough vaccine…I thought I’d give you your jabs while I’m here.
HE NOTICES BENJAMIN, COMPLETELY NAKED, ON THE DOORSTEP.
Oh.
BENJAMIN STANDS ASIDE SO THE DOCTOR CAN ENTER. THE DOCTOR ENTERS THE LOUNGE, AND WE SEE HARVEY AND VAL ARE NOW FULLY CLOTHED. BENJAMINS CLAPS HIS HANDS TO HIS GROIN, TRYING TO COVER HIMSELF UP.
VAL:
Benjamin! What on earth are you doing?
HARVEY:
What is the meaning of this? Butt naked in the lobby of this house? Doubtless you’ve been in the bathroom, spraying your belly with sticky white love piss!
BENJAMIN:
No! You said…
HARVEY:
Take the boy upstairs, Val!
VAL USHERS HIM OUT AND UP THE STAIRS, SMACKING HIS BOTTOM AS THEY GO.
DOCTOR:
I think you’re right, Mr Denton. The boy’s obviously in a state of some confusion!
HARVEY:
Yes…perhaps a strong sedative of some kind…say…Chloromazapine, twenty milligrams?
THE DOCTOR WRITES OUT A PRESCRIPTION.
DOCTOR:
Hmm…extraordinary behaviour! I mean if it were your Nude Day I could understand.
HE GIVES THE PRESCRIPTION TO HARVEY.
HARVEY:
Exactly, but that doesn’t fall until the fifteenth.
HARVEY GIVES A WICKED SMILE.
SCENE 15. EXT. WOODS. DAY.
MIKE, GEOFF AND BRIAN ARE WALKING THROUGH THE FOREST. MIKE IS TALKING ON HIS MOBILE.
MIKE:
No, just tell him…hello? Just tell him the Royston Vasey contingent will…no, Royston Vasey!
BRIAN:
We’re going to be so late now! We’ll miss the Plastics in the Millennium seminar…
GEOFF:
I know! And the cakes at the start!
BRIAN:
Are you sure you know where we’re going?
GEOFF:
Do bears shit in the woods?
BRIAN:
No, but I might have to if we don’t get there soon!
GEOFF:
Use a dock leaf, that’s what we used to do in TA’s.
BRIAN:
Have you got through, Mike?
MIKE:
No, the battery’s dead. Oh where the hell are we?
BRIAN:
I say we go back.
MIKE:
And how’s that going to look? Everyone else is going to be there!
GEOFF:
Shhhh!
BRIAN:
What?
GEOFF:
Shhhh!
HE FARTS.
One-nil!
MIKE:
Geoff, this is serious! If we don’t get to the conference…
GEOFF:
Mike, we’ll get there! I know exactly where we are. I was in the TA’s. That is north, and that is magnetic north.
HE POINTS IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
And just over this brow here, is our hotel…
THEY WALK A BIT FURTHER AND SEE A RIVER FLOWING IN FRONT OF THEM.
Just across that river.
BRIAN:
Oh, that’s it. I’m going back.
MIKE:
But we’re in the middle of nowhere!
BRIAN:
What are we going to do, swim?
GEOFF:
Girls, girls, girls…you’re forgetting. I was in the TA’s.
MIKE:
So what?
GEOFF:
I can get us across this river in ten minute’s flat. We used to do it in Special Ops, week in, week out.
BRIAN:
And what about our suits?
GEOFF:
You won’t get a splash on you! Trust me…it’ll be fine.
CUT TO THE THREE MEN WADING THROUGH THE RIVER, SOAKED TO THE SKIN, THEIR BAGS FLOATING OFF DOWN THE RIVER.
MIKE HELPS BRIAN TO THE RIVERBANK.
GEOFF:
Help me, Mike! Help me!
THEY MANAGE TO CRAWL OUT THE RIVER AND LIE, EXHAUSTED ON THE BANK.
Well…we’re across.
BRIAN TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIM.
SCENE 16. INT. JUDEE LEVINSON’S HOUSE. DAY.
JUDEE ENTERS THE KITCHEN WEARING A DRESSING GOWN. SHE SLUMPS AGAINST THE WORKTOP. IRIS IS CLEANING.
IRIS:
Oh, there you are, Mrs Levinson.
JUDEE:
Those sodding Germans woke me up, Iris. I had to have a lie down, Marks and Spencer’s wiped me out. It’s not what it used to be – people use it like a supermarket, now.
IRIS:
Really?
JUDEE:
Mind you, it’s dear. But isn’t everything these days? It must be hard for you, love. I don’t suppose you get much money from Ron flogging roses in the middle of the A54…
IRIS:
We get by…
JUDEE:
Oh, I know. But it’s a bare kind of existence, isn’t it? And then you have to come here and see how Eddy and I enjoy life.
IRIS:
Well…
JUDEE:
It must make you feel like a little Rwandan let loose in Harrod’s food hall!
IRIS:
You’re right, Mrs Levinson. Sometimes I think my little buggers will eat me out of house and home. But at least they’re not faddy. It must have been hell, that business with your Nicola.
A FOOTBALL HITS THE KITCHEN WINDOW.
JUDEE:
Honestly, they’ll have a window through soon!
IRIS:
Special plates, separate cutlery, the fuss with the rubber gloves…
JUDEE:
I’m going to have a word with their teacher…
IRIS:
Wouldn’t have bread, wouldn’t drink milk, wouldn’t stay in the same room as a potato!
JUDEE:
Iris!
IRIS:
Mind you, when she did eat she couldn’t keep it in. We never knew which end it was going to come out of sometimes!
SHE CHUCKLES.
Do you remember that smell in her bedroom? We lifted up the ceiling tiles and found all them Morrison’s bags full of sick?
JUDEE:
Please!
IRIS:
Now she’s in the psychiatric ward, she has to eat what she’s given…seeing as it comes through a tube.
JUDEE:
Well. I’m going out to have strong words before there’s an accident. Honestly, Iris. It’s getting as bad as your estate!
IRIS:
I know, Mrs Levinson. Must make you want to throw up…
SCENE 17.INT. STATELY HOME. DAY.
DR CHINNERY IS SAT WITH AN ELDERLY LADY WHO IS HOLDING A DOG.
DR. CHINNERY:
I couldn’t possibly, Mrs De Courcey.
MRS DE COURCEY:
Oh, but we insist! A present for Mr. Vetty from Bentley.
DR CHINNERY HAS BEEN GIVEN A BOX OF CIGARS. HE PICKS ONE UP AND SNIFFS IT.
For all your kindnesses. I’m ever so worried about him, Mr Chinnery. He’s normally such a sprightly young fellow, aren’t you, my darling?
SHE PASSES THE DOG, BENTLEY, TO DR. CHINNERY.
DR CHINNERY:
Hello…Hello, Bentley. Hmm.
THE DOG PASSES WIND.
MRS DE COURCEY:
Oh, please be gentle with him!
DR CHINNERY:
I think perhaps we haven’t been firm enough with Bentley, have we? What did he have for breakfast this morning?
MRS DE COURCEY:
Umm…Winalot.
DR CHINNERY:
And what else?
MRS DE COURCEY:
A little poached salmon…um…foie gras…sliced truffle…
THE DOG FARTS AGAIN. MRS DE COURCEY TAKES THE DOG FROM HIM.
DR CHINNERY
Now, remember what we talked about, Mrs De Courcey? Bentley’s a dog, he’s not a person.
DR CHINNERY PULLS ON A RUBBER GLOVE.
MRS DE COURCEY:
Oh, but I only…
DR CHINNERY:
Look at his belly. Distended with methane from the rich rubbish you’ve been feeding him.
MRS DE COURCEY:
Oh, but he’s so delicate.
DR CHINNERY:
He’s not made of china. I fear a serious bowel disorder has been precipitated. So I’m going to have to perform…
HE SQUIRTS SOME LUBRICANT ONTO HIS GLOVED HAND.
…a rectal examination.
HE RUBS THE LUBRICANT IN.
MRS DE COURCEY:
Oh…oh, Bentley! Oh, you brave little soldier!
SHE PASSES THE DOG TO HIM AGAIN.
DR CHINNERY:
There we go…
MRS DE COURCEY TAKES A SEAT AND CANNOT WATCH AS DR CHINNERY PERFORMS THE EXAMINATION.
MRS DE COURCEY:
Oh, poor little Bentley…
DR CHINNERY:
I think you’ll find he’s a little more robust than you give him credit for!
DR CHINNERY INSERTS A FINGER INTO THE DOG’S BACKSIDE. THERE IS A NASTY SQUELCHING NOISE, AND SUDDENLY A VICIOUS FART ERUPTS FROM THE DOG AND IT IS PROPELLED OFF HIS FINGER AND INTO THE FIRE. MRS DE COURCEY LOOKS ON IN HORROR AS THE DOG BURNS. IT FARTS AGAIN, AND THE GAS IGNITES, CAUSING THE DOG TO EXPLODE ALL OVER DR CHINNERY’S AND MRS DE COURCEY’S FACES.
DR CHINNERY:
Oh dear…
WITHOUT A WORD, HE STANDS UP, PUTS A CIGAR BACK INTO THE BOX, AND CLOSES THE LID. HE PICKS UP HIS BAG AND EXITS QUICKLY.
SCENE 18. EXT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.
EDWARD SITS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF THE AMBULANCE.
EDWARD:
That’s it, Tubbs – fill her up! A little more…
WE SEE THE FUEL INDICATOR RISING RAPIDLY, AND THEN SEE TUBBS, WHO IS URINATING INTO THE PETROL TANK.
Alright…stop. Get in.
TUBBS SHAKES HERSELF OFF AND JOINS EDWARD IN THE AMBULANCE, GETTING IN THE DRIVER’S SIDE. EDWARD SHIFTS OVER TO THE PASSENGER SEAT.
I don’t know why we never thought of this before. If the no-tails won’t come to us, then we must go to them! We’ll have a bride for David in no time.
TUBBS:
Oh, Edward, how do I make it walk?
EDWARD:
Now patience, Tubbs, patience.
HE BEGINS READING FROM THE HIGHWAY CODE BOOK.
We must read the instructions thoroughly.
EDWARD REACHES FOR THE GEARSTICK. THE ENGINE REVS AND THE GEARS CRUNCH. THE AMBULANCE BEGINS TO MOVE OFF DOWN THE TRACK.
We don’t want anyone getting hurt.
AS THE AMBULANCE MOVES AWAY, WE SEE THE AMBULANCE MAN HAS BEEN TIED TO THE BACK AND IS BEING DRAGGED ALONG AS THEY DRIVE OFF.
SCENE 19. EXT. GARY AND LYN’S FLAT. NIGHT.
HENRY AND ALLY PASS THE FLAT. GARY IS PUTTING A TOWEL UP IN THE WINDOW TO ACT AS A MAKESHIFT CURTAIN.
ALLY:
Alright, who would win out of “Gandhi” and “Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit”?
HENRY:
Um…
SCENE 20. INT. GARY AND LYN’S FLAT. NIGHT.
GARY RUBS HIS HANDS AS HE CROSSES TO THE BED. LYN LIES IN BED, SHIVERING.
GARY:
It’s not too bad, love!
LYN TURNS OVER AND LIES DOWN.
The lease is only for a year. We’ve got our privacy, that’s the main thing.
THEY CUDDLE AND BEGIN KISSING. JUST THEN, POP CRASHES THROUGH THE BEDROOM DOOR CARRYING A CAN OF LAGER AND A CARRIER BAG.
POP:
Oh, good! You are at home! I’m sure you don’t mind a visit from your landlord!
GARY:
What are you doing, Mr…?
POP:
Call me Pop, Gary. And you, Lyn, how are you, eh?
HE CROSSES TO THE BED AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER.
Yeah…we’re going to be good friends, me and you, Lyn.
POP LIFTS UP HER TOP AND PEEKS DOWN IT, GRIMACING WITH PLEASURE.
Good friends… but now, my friends, I bring gifts for you! This is a custom from my old country, whenever you move into a new home.
HE REACHES INTO THE BAG, PULLING OUT A LARGE HEART.
A bull’s heart – so you may always have strength!
HE THROWS THE BLOODY ORGAN DOWN ON THE BED. HE PULLS OUT A HANDFUL OF MANURE.
Manure – so that you will always be fertile. This last, Gary, is for you.
HE GRABS GARY’S HAND AND SLAPS THE MANURE INTO IT.
But now, my friends, I have bad news.
LYN:
What is it?
POP:
It’s my lawyers, they are vampire – they bleed me dry! I say to them, I have a property for a fine youing couple! They are not tenants to me, they are like my children. I want to give them a good start. But the lawyers they say no, is business. They want to put the rent up by a hundred quid.
LYN:
No!
POP:
But don’t worry, Gary. Pop stand up to them. We do a deal, so now is only £90 more.
GARY:
Oh, thanks (!)
POP:
But hey, what am I thinking about? This is your first week in your new home! There is no place for Pop here. I go…I come back for the money in the morning. Oh, don’t worry – I have my own key!
BEFORE POP LEAVES, HE CROSSES BACK OVER TO THE BED, AND LIFTS THE BEDCOVER SO HE CAN SEE LYN’S BUM.
Ooh…you are a lucky man, Gary. A lucky, lucky man.
HE EXITS.
SCENE 21. INT. HILARY BRISS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.
HILARY FILLS A GLASS WITH WHISKY. SAM IS SAT WITH HIM.
HILARY:
You look nervous, Samuel.
SAM:
Well of course I’m nervous! It’s this public health thing. They’re bound to be sniffing around, aren’t they? What if they find something?
HILARY:
They’ll find nothing! Trust me. I dealt with Maurice, I can deal with this.
SAM:
You…dealt with Maurice?
HILARY:
I don’t think we’ll have any trouble from our resident magistrate.
SAM:
Yes, but can you be sure?
HILARY:
Fear is the best insurance money can buy.
SCENE 22. INT. MAURICE’S DINING ROOM. NIGHT.
MAURICE SITS, LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD OF HIM. HE LOOKS PETRIFIED. WE HEAR EUNICE TALKING TO HIM FROM THE KITCHEN, ALTHOUGH HE’S NOT LISTENING. HIS HANDS SHAKE VIOLENTLY.
EUNICE (V.O):
Audrey’s Pat has got a nosebleed, and Denise from Thresher’s, and even Trevor who fetches my coleslaw! And you know Dan who works with me at the sandwich shop?
SHE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A ROAST MEAT JOINT.
Well she said that they might be having compulsory health inspections…do you want to carve, love?
MAURICE LOOKS QUEASY, THEN LEANS FORWARD TO VOMIT.
SCENE 23. INT. POPS’ FLAT. NIGHT.
AT THE SAME TIME WE SEE MAURICE VOMIT, POP POURS THE CONTENTS OF A POT NOODLE ONTO A PLATE. HE OPENS A WARDROBE THAT CONTAINS A FULL SURVEILLANCE BANK – TV SCREENS MONITOR WHAT IS HAPPENING IN EACH OF THE FLATS HE RENTS OUT. WE SEE HE HAS CAMERA RIGGED UP TO RECORD WHAT HAPPENS IN BATHS, TOILETS AND BEDROOMS. HE SEES GARY AND LYN STRIPPING OFF AND KISSING. HE PRESSES RECORD ON A VIDEO. UNZIPPING HIS FLIES, HE SITS DOWN AND STARTS EATING.
SCENE 24. EXT. WOODS. NIGHT.
BRIAN LIES, SLUMPED AGAINST A TREE, HE HAS A CUT ON HIS HEAD. A FIRE BURNS IN THE CENTRE OF A MAKESHIFT CAMPSITE. GEOFF SPRINGS UP, HIS TIE NOW KNOTTED AROUND HIS HEAD, MUD SMEARED OVER HIS FACE TO LOOK LIKE CAMOUFLAGE MAKE UP.
GEOFF:
Alright, Brian? I found a good splint.
HE HOLDS A FLIMSY LOOKING TWIG UP FOR HIM TO SEE. HE RIPS OPEN BRIAN’S TROUSER LEG.
I’m going to tie it to your leg.
BRIAN:
Please, don’t, Geoff!
BRIAN SCREAMS AS GEOFF TOUCHES HIS INJURED LEG.
GEOFF:
Alright, alright…
HE PULLS SOME LEAVES OUT HIS JACKET POCKET.
I brought you some dock leaves in case you want that bab.
BRIAN:
Oh, where’s Mike? He said he’d only be an hour!
GEOFF:
Probably lost. He can’t read the land like I can. I bet they don’t find us for days…
BRIAN:
Oh Christ!
GEOFF:
Don’t worry, I’ll look after you. Here I brought you some food.
BRIAN:
What is it?
GEOFF:
Just eat them! They’re good for you!
HE SHOVES SOME BERRIES ETC. INTO BRIAN’S MOUTH.
BRIAN:
Are you not having any?
GEOFF:
No, I’ve got this.
HE PULLS A CHOCOLATE BAR OUT OF HIS POCKET AND NIBBLES AT IT.
Found it in my pocket. I wish I’d stayed in the TA’s…I was good at that. I wanted to join the army, they said I was too fat. This job I’m doing now…I’m no good at it. Mike hates me.
BRIAN:
That’s not true, Geoff.
GEOFF:
It is! And I bet I get blamed for all this! Yeah well, I’ll show him! If I can get us back to that hotel, in front of the board…hopefully with you still alive, maybe I’ll have done something – one thing to show him what I’m capable of.
BRIAN:
They know what you’re capable of.
GEOFF:
Shhhh!
BRIAN:
Oh, not again, Geoff!
A STICK CRACKS IN THE DISTANCE.
BRIAN:
What was that?
GEOFF:
It could be the enemy.
BRIAN:
What enemy?
GEOFF STANDS UP TO INVESTIGATE. HE RAISES A HUGE STICK ABOVE HIS HEAD AND RUNS OFF, SCREAMING. WE SEE HIM RUN UP TO A SILHOUETTED FIGURE AND BEAT IT VIOLENTLY AROUND THE HEAD.
BRIAN:
Who is it?
GEOFF STOPS BEATING THE FIGURE AND LOOKS CLOSER.
GEOFF:
It’s Mike!
BRIAN BEGINS TO SOB.
END CREDITS. |
