The Road to Royston Vasey - Broadcast (18 Jan 99)
CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Rev. Bernice Woodall, Benjamin Denton, Judee
Levinson, Henry Portrait, Edward Tattsyrup, Ross Gaines, Rich, Sam Chignell
MARK GATISS Mr. Wint, Iris Krell, Val Denton, Dr. Matthew
Chinnery, Mickey M. Michaels, Al, Les McQueen
STEVE PEMBERTON Harvey Denton, Ally Welles, Tubbs Tattsyrup,
Pauline Campbell-Jones, Pop
WITH
STEPHEN CHAPMAN
AMEET CHANNA
COLIN PARRY
PAUL HAYES-MARSHALL
DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK
WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON
SCENE 1. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
BIRDS SING TO GREET THE START OF ANOTHER BLEAK DAY. TWO SURVEYORS, MR WINT AND MR KIDD, ARE DOING THEIR WORK.
MR WINT:
This is it – Royston Vasey.
MR KIDD:
These pictures don’t do it justice, Mr Wint.
MR WINT:
They do not, Mr Kidd. But remember, that’s before, and this is after.
HE POINTS TO A PICTURE ON A CLIPBOARD OF AN IDYLLIC LOOKING SCENE WITH A NEW ROAD RUNNING INTO THE TOWN. THE PICTURE SAYS ‘A NEW ROAD FOR ROYSTON VASEY’.
MR KIDD:
Aye…
MR WINT LOOKS THROUGH HIS SURVEYING EQUIPMENT AT THE NEARBY LANDSCAPE. HIS SIGHTS REST ON THE LOCAL SHOP.
MR WINT:
Aye, aye…
MR KIDD:
What is it?
MR WINT:
You tell me. That’s not meant to be there.
MR KIDD HAS A LOOK THROUGH THE EQUIPMENT AT THE SHOP.
MR KIDD:
Oh, aye. It’ll have to go, Mr Wint.
MR WINT:
I’m afraid it will Mr. Kidd.
THE MEN GATHER UP THEIR EQUIPMENT AND MOVE ON.
Shouldn’t think it will be a problem. I’m sure the locals are friendly enough.
AS THE MEN WALK PAST SOME LONG GRASS, WE SEE A HUMAN SKULL AND A POLICE BADGE NESTLED IN AMONGST IT.
OPENING CREDITS – DR CHINNERY PATS A LITTLE GIRL’S DOG. AS HE BEGINS TO CYCLE AWAY, WE SEE THE DOG’S LEASH HAS BECOME TANGLED IN HIS BIKE SPOKES AND THE DOG IS DRAGGED ALONG BY THE BIKE.
GIRL:
Stop! Stop! Come back!
A WOMAN, IRIS KRELL, WALKS DOWN SOME STEPS FROM HER FLAT. SHE SEES A SMALL BOY URINATING AGAINST THE WALL AND SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
IRIS:
Oi, I told you to stop!
SHE TAKES THE CIGARETTE FROM THE BOY AND SMOKES IT HERSELF.
A PUNCH AND JUDY SHOW IS TAKING PLACE. AS THE CAMERA MOVES BACK, WE SEE IT IS BEING PERFORMED FROM INSIDE A BOTTLE BANK, A CROWD WATCHING. THE REVERAND, BERNICE WOODALL, ENTERS AND DROPS AN EMPTY BOTTLE INTO IT.
FROM BOTTLE BANK:
Bastard!
A MAN, RICH, IS RUNNING A NEWSPAPER STAND. A SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND READS ‘ED STEWART’S BREATH STINKS’. A MAN ENTERS AND PAYS RICH FOR SOMETHING. RICH PUTS A SMALL LEAFLET UP ON DISPLAY WHICH READS ‘LOST – GRANDMA BRADLEY – ANSWERS TO THE NAME NANA’
SCENE 2. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
VAL:
Good morning, Benjamin!
VAL PULLS THE DUVET COVER FROM BENJAMIN WHO IS SLEEPING ON THE SOFA. THROUGHOUT THE NEXT SCENE VAL DUSTS AND CLEANS WHERE BENJAMIN HAS BEEN SLEEPING.
BENJAMIN:
Oh, morning, Auntie Val.
HARVEY ENTERS FROM THE HALL.
HARVEY:
Did you sleep alright?
BENJAMIN:
Yes, thanks.
HARVEY BRINGS A PAIR OF TONGS FROM BEHIND HIS BACK. HE WEARS A SURGICAL GLOVE.
HARVEY:
Any used tissues you need to dispose of?
BENJAMIN LOOKS HORRIFIED.
BENJAMIN:
No!
VAL:
How did you get on last night? Did you meet your friend?
HARVEY BEGINS SPRAYING THE SOFA WITH DISINFECTANT.
BENJAMIN:
No, I must have missed him. Actually, I was wondering if I might give him a ring, find out what happened?
VAL STOPS DEAD, LOOKING AT HARVEY AS IF TO SAY ‘WHAT SHOULD I DO?’ HARVEY TURNS ROUND SLOWLY AND THEN NODS, GIVING HIS PERMISSION.
VAL:
Of course you may! While you’re staying with us we want you to relax and treat this place just like your own home.
SHE PASSES BENJAMIN THE TELEPHONE, WHICH IS SHAPED LIKE A TOAD.
HARVEY:
Just one moment!
HE REACHES FOR A CHESS TIMER CLOCK. HE DEPRESSES ONE OF THE BUTTONS.
Go!
SCENE 3. EXT. JUDEE LEVINSON’S HOUSE. DAY.
IRIS WALKS ACROSS THE DRIVEWAY AND EXTINGUISHES HER CIGARETTE IN A SMALL WATER FOUNTAIN.
SCENE 4. INT. JUDEE LEVINSON’S HOUSE. DAY.
IRIS:
Morning, Mrs Levinson!
MRS LEVINSON (JUDEE) WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS, DRESSED IN IMMACULATE DESIGNER LABEL CLOTHING.
JUDEE:
Oh there you are, Iris. I’m so glad I’m going away. It’s going to be one big building site around here soon. Gangs of navvies whistling at women with their bums hanging out their trousers.
IRIS POPS HER HEAD AROUND THE LAUNDRY ROOM DOOR.
IRIS:
I know, Mrs Levinson!
JUDEE:
I’ve cancelled the milk, the dog’s offal and my Tarot woman. Well hang her, she didn’t know I was going away, so she can’t be up to much!
IRIS:
I know, Mrs Levinson.
JUDEE:
But the chicken man is coming on Friday, so don’t forget. Oh…don’t you hate going away, Iris? So much you have to remember! Jaeger suits…Gucci shoes…Chanel bag…
IRIS HOLDS ALOFT A PAIR OF BLACK FRILLY KNICKERS.
IRIS:
Shall I put these knickers in to soak, Mrs Levinson?
JUDEE:
Do you know Antigua, Iris?
IRIS:
Is he the chicken man?
JUDEE:
No, love. Antigua – the place in the Caribbean! Sapphire blue ocean, cloudless sky…
IRIS HAWKS UP SOME PHLEGM AND SPITS ON THE IRON.
JUDEE:
Do you travel, Iris?
IRIS:
Well, we had a week booked in Kendal, but…
JUDEE:
I don’t ask for much, but…the carpet warehouse keeps Eddie working like a black, so we can only manage six or seven times a year. I don’t know how some people get by without a break, do you, Iris? My schedule I’m all passion spent by the time Rikki Lake comes on!
IRIS:
Well, me and Ron take the dogs for a walk up Plumpton Rocks when we want to unwind.
JUDEE:
Yes, but taste’s a very personal thing. I mean look at you and Ron – I’d never stone clad my house. It’d look like a white filling in a mouth full of rotten teeth! It’s no wonder some people have to drink as much as they do.
JUDEE SEES IRIS IRONING SOMETHING EXPENSIVE.
Oh, be careful with that nightie, dear. It costs more than you owe Kay’s catalogue.
IRIS PEELS THE FABRIC FROM THE IRON.
IRIS:
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
SCENE 4. INT. VIDEO SHOP. DAY.
TWO YOUTHS, HENRY PORTRAIT AND ALLY WELLES, STAND LOOKING AT THE VIDEOS.
ALLY:
We’ve seen most of these.
HENRY:
Have we?
ALLY:
Yeah.
HENRY BEGINS POINTING AT THE VIDEO SLEEVES.
Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen…Oh I’ve not seen that!
HE TAKES THE CASE FOR THE FILM ‘SEVEN’ DOWN AND LOOKS AT IT.
HENRY:
I have. It’s really good.
ALLY:
Is it? How many killings?
ALLY LOOKS AT THE BOX THEN AT HENRY.
HENRY:
Seven.
ALLY:
Oh, is that all?
HENRY:
No, but it’s the way he does it. He kills one by gluttony, one by greedy, sexy…ugly, sleepy, dopey and bashful. It weren’t that good.
ALLY:
I don’t like that Bradley Pitt, anyway. Too much acting.
SCENE 5. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
MR WINT AND MR KIDD WALK INTO THE LOCAL SHOP.
SCENE 6. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
MR KIDD:
Look at these!
HE TAPS A JAR CONTAINING SOME PINK FLUFFY LOOKING OBJECTS. AS HE TAPS IT, THE THINGS IN THE JAR MOVE. THE MEN JUMP BACK IN SHOCK. SUDDENLY, TUBBS APPEARS BEHIND THEM.
TUBBS:
Yes?
MR WINT:
Sorry, love. Are you open?
TUBBS:
Yes! Can I help you at all?
MR WINT:
You certainly can. I’m Mr. Wint, and this is Mr. Kidd.
MR KIDD GOES TO SHAKE TUBBS’ HAND. SHE RECOILS, NOT KNOWING HIS INTENTIONS.
TUBBS:
Are you local?
MR WINT:
Er…no. We’re conducting a survey on behalf of PQ Construction. We need to serve you with these papers.
TUBBS SHRIEKS AS MR WINT HOLDS THE PAPERS OUT FOR HER TO TAKE.
MR WINT:
It’s nothing to be concerned about, just notification that we’re building a new road in your area.
TUBBS:
New road bad!
SHE WRESTLES HER WAY PAST THE TWO MEN BACK BEHIND THE COUNTER.
This is a local shop for local people! There’s nothing for you here!
MR KIDD:
Listen, love. We’re a bit pushed. All you have to do is sign this and read the document.
TUBBS POINTS AT MR KIDD’S HELMET.
TUBBS:
Is that a crown you wear?
MR KIDD:
What, this? It’s just me helmet.
TUBBS:
Hel-met!
SHE LAUGHS, CHILD-LIKE.
MR KIDD:
Yes…
TUBBS:
Can I touch it?
TUBBS LEANS FORWARDS TO TOUCH THE HELMET. MR KIDD BACKS AWAY.
MR WINT:
Look, we need to speak to our superiors. Can we use your telephone?
TUBBS:
Tephelome?
TUBBS SEARCHES BEHIND THE COUNTER. SHE PICKS UP A SNOWSTORM.
Tephelome…Is this one?
MR KIDD:
It’s alright, I’ve got my mobile, it just needs charging. Er, can you show me where your points are?
TUBBS BEGINS UNBUTTONING HER BLOUSE.
MR KIDD:
No, no…!
TUBBS:
Edward! Edward!
EDWARD ENTERS FROM THE BACK OF THE SHOP.
EDWARD:
Hello, hello? What’s going on? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!
TUBBS:
They’re strangers!
EDWARD IS SHOCKED BY THIS NEWS.
EDWARD:
Not local?!
TUBBS:
He wears a crown and builds new road!
MR WINT:
Look, there’s been a misunderstanding. Your wife is…
EDWARD:
Local?
MR WINT:
Over-reacting. We just need you to look at these proposals.
HE PUSHES THE DOCUMENTS TOWARDS EDWARD. EDWARD PUSHES THEM BACK.
EDWARD:
Look here, we don’t need a new road. This is a community. We don’t bother the outside world, we don’t want it bothering us!
MR WINT:
Sir, it’ll be no bother. Just sign this and you’ll never hear from us again.
EDWARD AND TUBBS EXCHANGE GLANCES. EDWARD PICKS UP A PEN AND GOES TO SIGN IT. HE LOOKS UP AT THE TWO MEN.
EDWARD:
You’re sure?
MR WINT:
Absolutely.
MR KIDD:
Besides, when the new road is laid, you’ll be laughing. Your shop will be full of people.
TUBBS AND EDWARD LOOK UP, WORRIED AT THIS NEWS.
SCENE 7. EXT. STREET. DAY.
DR CHINNERY RIDES HIS CYCLE DOWN A HILL, STILL PULLING THE REMAINS OF THE DOG CAUGHT IN HIS SPOKES.
SCENE 8. INT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.
PAULINE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM HOLDING HER BOX OF PENS.
PAULINE:
Okey cokey, pig in a pokey! Good morning, job seekers! Now before I begin, I know one of the best pens has gone missing. Can I have it back, please?
A PEN FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND HITS THE WHITEBOARD BEHIND HER.
Thank you. Now as you’re aware, today we’re going to be looking at your career options. Some of you like Ross here, will want to follow in your father’s footsteps – but you can’t sign on forever. So instead, we’ll be looking at sales jobs. Namely, how to sell this…
SHE HOLDS ALOFT A MAGAZINE.
...The Big Issue! Now, for those of you not in the know, the Big Issue is a magazine. It’s a bit like Bunty but written by tramps. Inside it’s got stories…and poems…and, look, Mickey, love – pictures!
MICKEY LUNGES FOR THE MAGAZINE. PAULINE STANDS UP QUICKLY.
And you, job seekers…
ROSS:
Pauline…The Big Issue’s for homeless people.
PAULINE:
Hmm?
COLIN:
But we’re unemployed.
PAULINE:
That’s right, Colin. And you can earn a little bit of money for yourselves, by getting out there and selling this to real people.
ROSS:
Oh, come off it! Just because we’re on the dole doesn’t mean we’re stupid!
PAULINE:
Mickey, love. What’s the capital of France?
MICKEY THINKS FOR A SECOND.
MICKEY:
Wine!
PAULINE:
Come on, Ross, on your feet. I need you for this exercise!
ROSS GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE FRONT OF THE CLASS.
Now then, job seekers…Imagine, if you can, that we’re standing on a busy High Street. I’m an attractive young housewife…
SOMEONE IN THE ROOM SNIGGERS. PAULINE LOOKS ROUND DISAPPROVINGLY.
…And I want Ross here to sell me this. In your own time.
SHE MIMES WALKING DOWN THE HIGH STREET.
ROSS:
Big Issue?
PAULINE:
Ooh, pathetic! “Big Issue”? Come on, Ross. I want to see you try!
SHE MIMES WALKING DOWN THE HIGH STREET AGAIN.
ROSS:
Big Issue? Help the homeless.
PAULINE:
Ah, better, you see? Now he’s got my interest.
ROSS:
Help the homeless – it’s only a pound.
PAULINE:
Good…watch how I’m starting to pity him…
ROSS:
Do you want a copy then?
PAULINE:
Ask me nicely.
ROSS:
Do you want a copy, madam?
PAULINE:
Ask me…more nicely.
ROSS:
Oh, there’s no such thing as “more nicely”.
SHE MIMES WALKING AWAY.
Alright, look. If you buy the Big Issue…it’s for a good cause.
PAULINE STOPS.
PAULINE:
Beg me.
ROSS:
What?
PAULINE:
You heard, Ross. Beg me. Come on, you need the money, I don’t. Make me feel superior…
ROSS:
That’s no reason to buy it.
PAULINE:
Beg me, be a good little doggy…
ROSS:
You’re job’s supposed to be –
PAULINE:
Come on, beg me. Sing for your supper…beg, doggy!
ROSS:
This has got nothing to do with –
PAULINE:
Beg, doggy, beg! Beg me…
ROSS:
Your job –
PAULINE:
Beg me, Ross!
ROSS:
No! No, I won’t!
PAULINE:
What?
ROSS:
I won’t beg you, Pauline.
THE REST OF THE GROUP LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE.
PAULINE:
I see…
SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR HIM TO RETURN THE MAGAZINE. HE DOES.
…Sit down please, Ross.
SHE HOLDS OUT THE MAGAZINE AS IF HANDING IT TO MICKEY, BUT THEN TAKES A VICIOUS SWIPE AT ROSS’ HEAD.
Well piss off, then! Do you want to have a go, Mickey, love?
MICKEY:
No!
PAULINE:
Course you do.
MICKEY GETS UP AND GOES TO THE FRONT.
Remember, we’re in a High Street, I’m a housewife.
MICKEY:
Big Issue?
PAULINE:
Big Issue? How much is it?
MICKEY:
A pound.
PAULINE:
A pound? Here, have a fiver!
MICKEY RUNS AND SITS DOWN.
You see, Ross? Do you see how easy it is? It’s as simple as Mickey!
SHE STALKS AROUND ROSS, WHO IS CLUTCHING HIS HEAD IN PAIN.
Ooh, you’re nothing. Do you know that? You’re worthless. Less than the shit on my shoes…I’m extending your restart by a month, and then I’m sending you on a whole series of meaningless courses, and then you’re going to come back here and I’m going to re-re-start you! And the rest of you…!
SHE WALKS AROUND THE CLASS, INTIMIDATING THE OTHER MEN.
Buck your ideas up! Knuckle down! And give me those pens back!
SHE STOMPS TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM.
SCENE 8. EXT. NEWS STAND. DAY.
RICH AND AL ARE RUNNING THE STAND. A MAN, LES MCQUEEN, IS BEING SERVED.
RICH:
I’ll pay for them, let me pay for them!
AL:
It’s not the money, the money’s not important! Melody Maker, NME…that’s two and five please.
LES PAYS FOR THE MAGAZINES AND LEAVES.
LES:
Cheers, ta-ta.
AL:
What’s Pop always saying?
RICH:
Principles over pounds.
AL:
Principles over pounds. There’s a principle involved here. That’s why I’ve got to say something.
AL PUTS A SIGN OUT THE FRONT OF THE STAND THAT READS ‘MIKE REID’S BREATH IS BEAUTIFUL’.
SCENE 9. INT. JUDEE LEVINSON’S HOUSE. DAY.
IRIS CARRIES SOME SUITCASES DOWN THE STAIRS.
JUDEE:
Oh, I’m wiped out. I can’t wait to get on that plane. I suppose Eddie and I are lucky. Must be hard for you, living on that estate…Armies of young mums with eczema and pushchairs, and the men! That many tattoos their arms look like lumps of Stilton…ooh! I’d be scared to put my head round the door.
IRIS:
Well, we don’t go out much. Ron prefers an early night. Oh, them’s nice panties, Mrs L…
JUDEE:
Hmm, thank you, Iris. Eddie got me them in Paris.
IRIS:
Course, I won’t get expensive briefs…
JUDEE:
Oh, you should treat yourself from time to time!
IRIS:
It’s just I get through that many pairs, Ron pulling at them with his big fingers…
JUDEE:
Really? Have you packed Eddie’s toilet bag?
IRIS:
I’ve given up wearing anything in bed. There’s no point with Ron’s libido the way it is. He’s like a lad of nineteen sometimes!
JUDEE:
Fancy…and I hope you buttoned the shirts before you packed them?
IRIS:
Five, six times a night…and the mornings!
JUDEE:
Yes, well, when Eddie and I were first married…
IRIS:
Oh, it’s always been like that for us. Like a couple of kids in love, it just gets better and better! He has me doing things that would make a whore blush!
JUDEE:
Sometimes Eddie wears nothing but swimming trunks…
IRIS:
…This way, that way…some of it barely legal. I’m lying there thinking “will this pleasure never end?”
A HORN BEEPS IN THE STREET.
JUDEE:
That’ll be Barbara.
JUDEE GETS UP.
I have to check in at the airport. Did I tell you we’re flying Club Class? And that doesn’t mean you get a free chocolate biscuit! Have a nice afternoon here, Iris.
SHE HANDS IRIS SOME CLEANING MATERIALS.
I’ll see you in a fortnight.
SHE EXITS.
IRIS:
Bye! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do…
THE FRONT DOOR SHUTS.
That won’t leave her many options.
SCENE 10. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.
BENJAMIN ENTERS THE LOUNGE, AND, SEEING IT IS EMPTY, GOES AND PICKS UP THE PHONE. CHECKING THE PATH IS CLEAR, HE DIALS A NUMBER. FROM THE KITCHEN, VAL WALKS OUT, LISTENING IN ON ANOTHER TELEPHONE.
VAL:
We prefer if you wait until after six o’ clock, Benjamin.
BENJAMIN TURNS ROUND, ANNOYED, JUST AS VAL WALKS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.
SCENE 11. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
DR CHINNERY CYCLES DOWN A MUD TRACK, STILL PULLING THE DOG BEHIND HIM – IT IS NOW LITTLE MORE THAN A LUMP OF BLOODY FLESH AND BONES. ANOTHER DOG CHASES AFTER THE BIKE.
SCENE 12. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
EDWARD SHARPENS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A PIECE OF BONE INTO A SHARP POINT. WE HEAR SOBBING.
EDWARD:
You see, road men…this is a local shop.
WE SEE THE TWO SURVEYORS ARE HALF NAKED AND TIED TO A CHAIR. THEY STILL WEAR THEIR HELMETS.
The strangers you would bring would not understand us – our customs, our local ways.
WE SEE TUBBS SAT ON THE COUNTER, BREAST FEEDING A PIGLET. SHE SMILES IN PLEASURE.
MR WINT:
Not…necessarily…
TUBBS:
He said I could touch his helmet if I showed him my points!
EDWARD POINTS THE SHARP OBJECT TOWARDS MR. KIDD’S THROAT.
EDWARD:
Is this true, road man?
MR. KIDD:
No!
EDWARD:
Very well…you heard the man, Tubbs.
EDWARD SCOOPS UP A LADLE OF TAR FROM A BUCKET ON THE COUNTER.
Get undressed!
TUBBS BEGINS SLIDING OFF HER TIGHTS.
SCENE 13. INT. BUTCHER’S SHOP. DAY.
A MEAT CLEAVER SLAMS DOWN ONTO A COUNTER, CHOPPING INTO SOME MEAT. THE MAN CHOPPING THE MEAT IS HILARY BRISS, THE LOCAL BUTCHER. A WOMAN IS JUST LEAVING AS A MAN, SAM CHIGNELL, ENTERS.
SAM:
Afternoon…Hello, Hilary! I see Fleur De Lys is closing down.
HILARY:
I know, I know. That’s your mates from the council putting the rents up again.
SAM:
Our hands are tied, Hilary. Our hands are tied.
HILARY:
What this town needs is investment! What about that new road you’re always promising us?
SAM:
There might be some news next week, I can’t say no more.
HILARY:
I know, Samuel. More than your jobs’ worth, eh?
SAM CHUCKLES. THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. HILARY PUTS HIS CLEAVER DOWN.
SAM:
Have you got them?
HILARY:
Yep.
HILARY RETRIEVES A CARRIER BAG CONTAINING SOMETHING FROM BELOW THE COUNTER. JUST AS HE DOES SO, A WOMAN ENTERS THE SHOP. HILARY QUICKLY PUTS THE BAG BELOW THE COUNTER. WE GET THE IMPRESSION THAT WHATEVER IT IS IN THE BAG IS HIGHLY ILLEGAL.
WOMAN:
Forgot my brolly!
HILARY:
Right!
THE WOMAN EXITS.
HILARY PULLS THE BAG OUT AGAIN, PLACING IT ON THE COUNTER.
Just came in this morning…very fresh.
SAM LOOKS AT THE BAG.
SAM:
Usual arrangement?
HILARY:
I don’t see why not.
SAM:
Thing is, Hilary…
SAM TAKES THE BAG.
I know it’s wrong…it just tastes so good.
SAM HIDES THE BAG UNDER HIS COAT AND EXITS QUICKLY. HILARY CONTINUES SHARPENING HIS KNIVES, LICKING HIS LIPS SLOWLY.
SCENE 14. EXT. CHURCH ROOF. DAY.
WE SEE AN OLD WOMAN STUCK ON THE ROOF OF THE CHURCH, SHIVERING. SHE LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA BRADLEY, WHO WAS FEATURED ON THE ‘LOST’ LEAFLET EARLIER. SHE KNOCKS ON A WINDOW TO GAIN SOMEONE’S ATTENTION.
SCENE 15. EXT. STREET. DAY.
RICH AND AL FROM THE NEWSPAPER STAND ARE WALKING ALONG.
AL:
A chain of newsagents built up from one shop on a council estate. Five separate outlets in prime retailing sites and a thriving booth at the War Memorial – that didn’t fall into Pop’s lap, did it?
RICH:
All right, I made a mistake!
AS THEY PASS THE CHURCH, WE SEE GRANDMA BRADLEY STILL STUCK ON THE ROOF.
GRANDMA BRADLEY:
Where am I?
SCENE 16. INT. VIDEO SHOP. DAY.
HENRY AND ALLY ARE STILL PERUSING THE VIDEOS.
ALLY:
Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen…Oh, I’ve not seen that…
HENRY:
Black and white?
ALLY:
Seen, seen, seen…
SCENE 17. EXT. STREET. DAY.
WE SEE BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVING ALONG.
BARBARA (V.O):
To be honest, I think I favour internal protection over towels…you know?
SCENE 18. INT. BARBARA’S TAXI. DAY.
ALTHOUGH WE NEVER SEE HER FACE, WE SEE CLOSE UPS OF BARBARA’S HAIRY ARMS, STILLETTO HEELS AND MALE LOOKING HANDS, NAILS PAINTED WITH RED VARNISH.
BARBARA:
I mean, who wants to walk round with a big mattress between your legs all day?
THERE IS A YOUNG MAN, CHOQUE, IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI.
CHOQUE:
Just drop me off here, thanks.
BARBARA:
Right-o! Have a nice day, then. Mind how you go, ta-ta!
CHOQUE EXITS AND KNOCKS ON A GARISHLY DECORATED FRONT DOOR. ANOTHER YOUNG MAN, TOM MCQUEEN, GREETS CHOQUE AT THE DOOR.
TOM MCQUEEN:
Alright, Choque? Come in.
SCENE 19. INT. LES MCQUEEN’S HOUSE. DAY.
LES SITS ON A SOFA LISTENING TO A RECORD ON SOME HEADPHONES. TOM AND CHOQUE ENTER THE LOUNGE.
TOM:
Have you met my dad?
CHOQUE:
No.
TOM:
Dad?
LES IS FAR AWAY, MIMING TO A GUITAR SOLO.
TOM:
Dad!
LES LOOKS UP.
TOM:
Dad, this is Choque. Choque, this is my dad.
LES SHAKES HIS HAND.
LES:
Alright? Is your pal a pop star?
TOM:
Dad…
(TO CHOQUE)
Won’t be long.
HE EXITS.
CHOQUE:
I’m in a band, yeah.
LES:
It’s a great life, is rock and roll! Expect our kid told you, I used to have a band of my own.
CHOQUE:
No…
LES:
Crème Brulee?
HE HOLDS UP A TACKY LOOKING RECORD SLEEVE. CHOQUE LOOKS AT IT DISTASTEFULLY.
Had a good run at it…did Eurovision.
CHOQUE:
Eurovision Song Contest?
LES:
Oh yeah. Back in ’81 – heats. Same year as Buck’s Fizz won. I remember saying to Jay Aston before we went on, “this is where you shit your pants, ain’t it, Jay?”. Real good laugh about it, right good sense of humour. Hey, what do you think of that Gina G, Choque?
CHOQUE:
Er…
LES:
Rubbish, wasn’t it? Ordinary! I says to our Tom, “It’ll not win, that. It’s ordinary!” Eurovision – you’ve got to communicate. Look at the Israelis. Years in the wilderness, then all of a sudden, “A Ba Ni Bi A Ba Ne Be” – genius! What’s your instrument, Choque?
CHOQUE:
It’s mainly programming – drum loops, rhythms. A lot of sampling.
LES:
Oh yeah. I tell you a good outfit – Smokie. Do you remember them?
CHOQUE:
No…
LES:
Fantastic songs – really well crafted. You should give them a listen. The bassist runs a sixteen track out by Castleford way. I go over quite a bit.
CHOQUE LOOKS TO SEE IF TOM IS COMING BACK TO RELEASE HIM FROM THIS TORMENT.
I tell you what, Choque. I have a tape of some of my songs. Ballads, mainly. We’ll have a listen if you like?
CHOQUE:
Well…
LES:
I’m sure I’ve got one left somewhere…
LES OPENS A DRAW ABSOLUTELY CRAMMED WITH CRÈME BRULEE TAPES. HE TAKES ONE. HE HANDS IT TO CHOQUE.
If there’s owt on there you want, you can have it. Do it for nothing if you like!
CHOQUE:
We don’t really do ballads.
LES:
Just take it. What harm can it do?
CHOQUE GIVES IN AND TAKES THE CASSETTE.
Let me know I haven’t lost it yet. Hey, you could have a word with your record company boss – see if he remembers Crème Brulee. Everyone knew me round here. I’d walk in a urinal and heads would turn!
TOM ENTERS THE LOUNGE WEARING A JACKET.
TOM:
See you later, dad.
CHOQUE:
Nice to meet you, Mr McQueen.
LES GOES TO CONNECT FISTS TRENDILY, BUT CHOQUE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. LES SHAKES IT.
LES:
Good luck, son. God bless. It’s a shit business!
HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES CHOQUE HAS LEFT THE TAPE HE GAVE HIM ON THE SOFA.
You’ll find out…
HE PICKS UP THE TAPE AND EXITS THE ROOM.
SCENE 20. INT. LOCAL SHOP. EVENING.
THE TWO SURVEYORS HAVE NOW BEEN DAUBED WITH TAR, AND ARE SCREAMING. EDWARD BANGS A SMALL DRUM AS TUBBS SPINS AROUND, NAKED, SWINGING A SHAWL FROM HER SHOULDERS.
SCENE 21. INT. WAREHOUSE. EVENING.
RICH IS SEATED IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAREHOUSE CONTAINING BOXES. AL STANDS, WALKING AROUND HIM.
AL:
Look around you. What’s Pop’s formula, Rich?
RICH:
DPI equals SIN.
AL:
DPI equals SIN! Determination, plus perspiration, plus inspiration equals success in news agency.
RICH:
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
AL:
Who was the first newsagent to charge for cards in the window on a daily, rather than weekly basis?
RICH:
Pop…
AL:
Pop! Who was the first to have the vision to sell Ginster’s pasties in a newsagents?
RICH:
Pop…
AL:
Pop! We owe him, Rich. Now are you going to tell him, or am I?
RICH:
Please, Al…
AL:
It’s your decision.
JUST THEN, POP ENTERS THE WAREHOUSE. HE IS FOREIGN IN APPEARANCE AND IN VOICE.
POP:
Guess who’s here! Where are my boys, eh? Where are my boys! Come on, I take you both on, eh?
HE PRETENDS TO BEAT THEM BOTH UP.
Hey…come here!
HE HUGS THEM BOTH.
I got presents for the both of you!
HE HANDS THEM A PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE EACH.
RICH:
Thanks, Pop…
AL:
Thanks, Pop.
POP:
Ah, its OK, its OK. So, Al, how are you? The booth is doing good? You know, I drive past on Saturday, there is a queue all the way to the gents.
AL:
Yeah, doing good, Pop.
POP:
And the cold cabinet – cans, cartons, they’re selling well? Because I wasn’t sure about these Mars drinks…
AL:
No, they’re doing fine, Pop.
POP:
Good. But hey, I have news for you, Richie, good news! As you know your brother Al has made a great success of his news booth by the War Memorial. For many months now I have been searching for another site. It has always been Pop’s ambition – a booth for each of my two beautiful sons!
HE BLOWS MANLY KISSES TO THEM BOTH. HE BECKONS RICH OVER.
You know the key cutting cubicle by the indoor market? Well, a little birdie tells me the lease come up in two month!
RICH:
Oh…
POP:
It’s perfect for you, Richie! Perfect! There is room for a freezer unit, a chill cabinet, and you know what I’m thinking? We keep the key cutting machine! Yeah, it could open up a whole new area for us – and not just keys, no. Shoelaces, shoe polish, maybe one day, we do repairs as well!
Perhaps soon, you’ll be more successful than your brother! I’ll even start you on the same wage - £3 an hour! What do you say?
RICH LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE. AL RAISES HIS EYES AT HIM.
AL:
There was an incident…
RICH:
Something happened yesterday, Pop. When I was looking after the booth for Al.
POP:
What are you talking about? What do you mean, “something happened?”
AL:
Rich was serving…
POP:
Richie will tell me himself!
POP SLAPS AL ROUND THE EAR.
Won’t you, Richie? I want to hear from your lip what happened.
RICH:
It was nothing really, Pop.
POP:
Nothing really, Pop. Nothing really, Pop! Then why are you shitting in your panties like a little Miss Smart Guy, huh? Why don’t you tell me what this “nothing” was?
RICH:
Some boys came. One of them asked for a Snapple, and I had to turn my back to open the chiller. And when I turned around again…they’d taken all the Maverick bars.
POP SLAPS A HAND TO HIS FACE AND RUBS IT.
POP:
How many?
RICH:
Nine.
POP:
Nine…nine, huh?
HE LOOKS AS IF HE IS GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
Nine Maverick bars. And you say this is nothing?
POP STARTS UNDOING HIS STURDY LOOKING BELT.
Perhaps you think that THIS is nothing, huh?
HE WHIPS THE FLOOR WITH THE BELT.
Why you do this to me, Richie? Why you do this to me!?
RICH TURNS AWAY AND LEANS ON HIS CHAIR, TRYING TO DEFEND HIMSELF. AL RUSHES FORWARDS AND STOPS POP HITTING RICH WITH THE BELT.
AL:
Pop…Rich really is sorry for what he did…Why don’t we go for a walk, eh?
POP NODS.
POP:
Yeah…we go for a walk. Me and you…Maybe WE talk about the key cutting cubicle, huh? You are my son. My only son!
POP EXITS. AL TAKES ONE LAST DESPAIRING LOOK AT RICH, WHO IS STILL CROUCHED OVER HIS CHAIR, AND EXITS ALSO. RICH SLOWLY GETS UP, SOBBING.
SCENE 22. INT. DENTON HOSUEHOLD. NIGHT.
HARVEY WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS.
HARVEY:
Benjamin? Did you pass a solid into the upstairs lavatory?
SCENE 23. INT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.
EDWARD HAS FINISHED TORMENTING THE SURVEYORS AND IS UNDOING THE ROPES THAT TIE THEM TO THE CHAIRS.
EDWARD:
Go!
THEY GET UP, SCREAMING, AND RUN OUT OF THE SHOP. TUBBS IS CONFUSED AS TO WHY EDWARD HAS LET THEM ESCAPE.
TUBBS:
Edward?
EDWARD:
Don’t worry, Tubbs!
HE REACHES DOWN BESIDE THE COUNTER AND PICKS UP A CROSSBOW.
They won’t get far!
EDWARD EXITS THE SHOP. TUBBS PICKS UP A RAW ONION AND TAKES A BITE FROM IT.
SCENE 24. EXT. TELEPHONE BOX. NIGHT.
BENJAMIN IS MAKING A CALL.
BENJAMIN:
Hi, Martin, it’s me. I’ve been trying to ring you all day. Where are you? I’m stuck in this shit hole, I don’t know what to do. Oh well, I don’t suppose things will get any worse.
THE TWO SURVEYORS, STILL COVERED IN TAR AND NAKED FROM THE WAIST UP, RUN, SCREAMING, PAST THE PHONE BOX.
Anyway, I’d better go, my uncle locks the house up at 8.15. I’ll call you tomorrow, bye.
BENJAMIN EXITS THE PHONE BOX.
SCENE 25. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. NIGHT.
VAL IS ON THE PHONE.
FROM PHONE:
On the third stroke, the time will be 8.15 precisely.
VAL LISTENS TO THE BEEPS, THEN WAVES A HAND ON THE THIRD STROKE. HARVEY, STANDING BY THE FRONT DOOR, BEGINS LOCKING A RIDICULOUS NUMBER OF DOOR LOCKS AND CHAINS. JUST AS HE FINISHES, BENJAMIN TRIES TO GET IN. HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, BUT HARVEY AND VAL WALK AWAY. THEY ENTER THE LOUNGE, SIT DOWN, AND HOLD HANDS.
END CREDITS |
