A Plague on Royston Vasey - Broadcast (28 Jan 00)
CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Reverend Bernice Woodall, Mike King,
Olive Kershaw, Ross Gaines, Edward
Tattsyrup, Henry Portrait, Sam Chignell, Stella Hull
MARK GATISS Hilary Briss, Les McQueen, Mr Best,
Mickey M. Michaels, Doc
STEVE PEMBERTON Charlie Hull, Ian Cashmore, Pop, Pauline
Campbell-Jones, Tubbs Tattsyrup, Ally
Welles, Maurice Evans
WITH
LAUREL GIBB
JENNIFER LIM
CHRIS FREENEY
ALISON LLOYD
JOHNNY LEEZE
HELEN LAMBERT
VICTORIA TURNER
DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK
WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON
SCENE 1. EXT. GRAVEYARD. DAY.
A HUNKY MAN, STRIPPED TO THE WAIST, DIGS A PIT. HE LOOKS AT A WOMAN NEARBY, AND THEY EXCHANGE FLIRTY GLANCES. WE SEE THAT THE WOMAN IS ATTENDING A FUNERAL, AND THE HUNKY MAN IS DIGGING THE GRAVE.
SMALL BOY:
Mummy!
THE WOMAN LOOKS AT THE FLOOR, BUT CAN’T HELP HAVING ANOTHER GLANCE AT THE MAN. THE REVEREND BERNICE WOODALL, WHO IS TAKING THE SERVICE, NOTICES THIS.
BERNICE:
Disgusting!
THE HUNKY MAN DIGGING THE GRAVE LOOKS AT BERNICE, WHO TOUCHES HER HAIR AND SMILES, FLIRTING WITH HIM.
OPENING CREDITS – CHARLIE HULL BUYS SOMETHING FROM A MOBILE CANTEEN AND RIDES OFF ON HIS BIKE. TWO BOYS MESS ABOUT WITH THE STATUE OF HILARY BRISS OUTSIDE THE BUTCHERS’ SHOP. HILARY COMES OUT HOLDING TWO SHEEP’S EYES UP TO HIS OWN AND LAUGHS EVILLY AT THEM, SCARING THEM OFF. WHEN THEY HAVE GONE, HE POPS AN EYE INTO HIS MOUTH, RAISING AN EYEBROW AT HOW GOOD IT TASTES. A MAN, IAN CASHMORE, POINTS AT A MAGAZINE ON POPS’ NEWSPAPER STAND. POP REACHES FOR A MAGAZINE CALLED ‘WOMEN WITH INSECTS’. IAN SHAKES HIS HEAD. POP REACHES FOR ‘DOG’S ARSES’ AND IAN NODS. POP LAUGHS WITH HIM. A MECHANIC CLIMBS OUT FROM UNDER THE BODY OF A CAR THAT BELONGS TO TWO CLOWNS. TWO YOUNG PEOPLE SEE A SIGN IN A WINDOW THAT READS ‘GOOD FLAT TO LET – CALL POP’. A HAND PUTS A NEW SIGN IN THE WINDOW THAT READS ‘EARN £££ FROM YOUR GARDEN – HUNTING SQUIRRELS’.
SCENE 2. INT. DAY CARE ROOM. DAY.
MIKE KING, THE HOSPITAL RADIO DJ, IS SPEAKING BETWEEN RECORDS.
MIKE (V.O):
The great sound of Lena Martell there, now a dedication to all in the Ed Stewart ward of St. Mary’s who are having a bleeding miserable time in the nasal area. So we’re going back in Mike King’s time machine to 1976! Here’s Racey!
WE SEE LES MCQUEEN IS SAT TALKING TO A PATIENT.
LES:
Hey! Remember this? “Some Girls Do”? I played rhythm guitar on that…on the demo. Oh yeah. Nicky Chin says to me ‘Les, you keep on playing like that, son, and we’ll be…finished on schedule’. And we were! Ahead of time, in fact. Went down the pub, he buys me a pint. Lovely fella – right good sense of humour.
LES’ BOSS, MR BEST, ENTERS THE ROOM.
MR BEST:
McQueen? There’s arses need wiping!
HE INDICATES THE OTHER PATIENTS.
LES:
Right-o, Mr Best.
MR BEST EXITS.
LES:
Yeah, you’re right though. I’m glad I packed it in. It’s a shit business!
MR BEST (V.O):
MCQUEEN!
LES GETS UP AND EXITS.
SCENE 3. INT. ATTACHMENTS DATING AGENCY. DAY.
WE SEE A WOMAN, OLIVE KERSHAW, TALKING TO A CUSTOMER. IT IS IAN CASHMORE, WHO BOUGHT THE ‘DOG’S ARSES’ MAGAZINE AT POPS’ NEWS STAND.
OLIVE:
So…caring, considerate, good looking. Is this what you are or what you want?
IAN:
It’s what I want.
OLIVE:
Right…I was going to say, good looking? OK, my name’s Olive and it’s my job to build up a profile of you and then match it to a suitable lady from our extensive files. So question one – are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
IAN:
Sorry?
OLIVE:
Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
IAN:
I can’t really say.
OLIVE:
So, not at all kind to animals.
SHE ENTERS THE INFORMATION ON THE COMPUTER.
IAN:
Well don’t put that!
OLIVE:
I’ve got to take your first answer. Are you quiet?
IAN:
When?
OLIVE:
In general.
IAN:
Sometimes…
OLIVE:
So…quiet.
SHE TAPS ON HER KEYBOARD AGAIN.
IAN:
Well, do you have to put that?
OLIVE:
Well, we need ally your bad points as well, you know.
IAN:
Well that’s not so much of a bad point, is it?
OLIVE:
You say that but you can’t get a girlfriend, can you? Let me explain a little bit about how a dating agency works. 95% of the people who come in here are weirdos. In fact, my boyfriend doesn’t like me working here. It’s not that he’s jealous – I tell him, “you see the state of them!”
No, he just thinks it’s depressing for me.
IAN:
Did you meet him through an agency?
OLIVE CRACKS UP.
OLIVE:
God, no! I shall tell him that tonight in bed. He’ll laugh! No, we met at a friend’s party. You see, you meet people through people. And that’s what a lot of them haven’t got – friends. And ultimately, you have to question that, don’t you? Anyway, listen to me wittering on. Let’s get you paired up! Miracles can happen, you know! So how confident are you on a scale of one to ten? Ten being very confident.
IAN:
Five.
OLIVE LOOKS AT HIM AS IF TO ASK ‘ARE YOU SURE?’ IAN RECONSIDERS.
Two.
OLIVE:
Are you single, married, divorced, widowed? Single, obviously. Now do you want a physical relationship? Ian, I have to ask this, because frankly some of our ladies are not capable of blowing up a paper bag! Never mind the other!
IAN:
Yes.
OLIVE:
Yes, you are or you aren’t?
IAN:
I am.
OLIVE:
Ooh, it’s like “Cracker”, this! “Why did you force her, why did you force her?”
IAN:
I DIDN’T FORCE HER! …I didn’t force her…
OLIVE LOOKS WORRIED, CONCERNED SHE’S BROUGHT UP A DARK SECRET FROM IAN’S PAST.
OLIVE:
OK, Ian, we’ll put this into the computer and if we get a match we’ll let you know, OK?
IAN GETS UP TO LEAVE.
IAN:
Olive? Do you think, if – IF you didn’t have a boyfriend, one day you and me…
OLIVE:
No.
IAN SMILES WEAKLY AND EXITS.
SCENE 4. INT. JOB CENTRE – OUTSIDE ROSS’ OFFICE. DAY.
PAULINE SITS ON A CHAIR, WAITING TO GO IN. MICKEY COMES OUT OF ROSS’ OFFICE.
PAULINE:
Everything alright, Mickey, love?
MICKEY JUST STANDS THERE.
ROSS (V.O):
Right, Pauline.
SHE STANDS AND ENTERS THE OFFICE. WE SEE THAT ROSS’ NAME HAS BEEN WRITTEN OVER THE ORIGINAL SIGN THAT READS ‘PAULINE CAMPBELL-JONES’.
SCENE 5. INT. ROSS’ OFFICE. DAY.
ROSS SITS DOWN. PAULINE STANDS, HOWEVER, WAITING FOR HIM TO ASK HER TO BE SEATED.
ROSS:
Please take a seat.
PAULINE:
Oh, thank you.
SHE SITS.
ROSS:
Now then, according to your file, you were recently dismissed from the Burger Me fast food restaurant. Is that correct?
PAULINE:
That is correct, yes.
ROSS:
What happened, exactly? Mickey wouldn’t say.
PAULINE:
I don’t know, Ross. I guess we just didn’t…cut the mustard.
ROSS:
Right, well…that’s what I’ll put in my report.
ROSS SEARCHES FOR A PEN. PAULINE PRODUCES ONE.
PAULINE:
Pen?
ROSS:
Thank you.
HE TAKES IT.
PAULINE:
You’re welcome!
ROSS:
You do realise what this means, don’t you, Pauline?
PAULINE:
I do, Ross. Back on the dole, getting up at dinnertime and…flicking myself off to “Trisha”.
ROSS:
No…the DSS rules state that, because you were sacked, all your benefits will be suspended.
PAULINE:
You what?
ROSS:
For a period of not less than nine weeks.
PAULINE:
Nine weeks? What am I supposed to do? I’ve been washing my hair in Fairy Liquid for a fortnight!
ROSS:
Well you’re going to have to look for other work, look at the boards downstairs.
PAULINE:
Oh…I’m forty-eight, Ross. Couldn’t you just give me my old job back? I’ve changed, you know I have!
ROSS:
I’m sorry, Pauline. It’s out of my hands.
PAULINE:
What about…the child?
ROSS:
Mickey? Oh, well…the same goes for him, I’m afraid. Look, I feel sorry for you, but…there it is.
ROSS GOES TO LEAVE, BUT STOPS AT THE LAST MINUTE.
Oh, actually there is one thing. I could lodge an appeal on your behalf. It might not work but it’d slow the process down.
PAULINE:
Oh, if you could, Ross! Anything to give me a bit more time, you know!
ROSS:
OK…beg me.
PAULINE’S FACE DROPS.
PAULINE:
What?
ROSS:
Well come on, Pauline. Let’s see how you like it. Beg me!
IT’S OBVIOUS SHE IS TOO ASHAMED TO EVEN TRY.
Not very nice, is it? You might want to think about that!
ROSS EXITS.
SCENE 6. INT. CORRIDOR – OUTSIDE ROSS’ OFFICE. DAY.
ROSS WALKS UP THE CORRIDOR.
ROSS:
See you later, Mickey.
SCENE 7. INT. ROSS’ OFFICE. DAY.
PAULINE SPOTS THE PEN SHE LET ROSS BORROW STILL LYING ON THE DESK.
SCENE 8. INT. RESTART COURSE ROOM. DAY.
ROSS ENTERS AND LOOKS THROUGH A FILE. PAULINE SUDDENLY LEAPS ON HIS BACK, SCREAMING, AND TRIES TO STAB HIM WITH THE PEN. ROSS BACKS INTO THE WHITEBOARDS, KNOCKING THEM OVER. ROSS BACKS INTO A PILLAR, LOOSENING PAULINE’S GRIP ON HIM, BUT ALSO TRIPPING HIMSELF UP. PAULINE RECOVERS FIRST AND KICKS HIM IN THE FACE. SHE PICKS UP THE DISCARDED PEN AND LEAPS ONTO HIM, SO THE PAIR ARE LEANING ON A TABLE. SHE TRIES TO STAB ROSS AGAIN, BUT HE HOLDS HER OFF. ROSS LEANS FORWARD AND BITES HER BREAST, CAUSING HER TO REEL BACK. ROSS PUNCHES PAULINE IN THE FACE, THEN KNEELS ON HER, TRYING TO STRANGLE HER.
MICKEY (V.O):
Pauline!
PAULINE:
Get him off me, Mickey, love.
MICKEY RUNS FORWARD AND GRABS ROSS FROM BEHIND, HAULING HIM OFF PAULINE.
ROSS:
What you doing? Get off me!
PAULINE:
Get him in that chair, Mickey, love.
MICKEY FORCES ROSS INTO A PLASTIC CHAIR.
MICKEY:
Pauline, what’s happening?
PAULINE SHOUTS AT ROSS.
PAULINE:
You vicious little bastard! You think you can walk into MY office and speak to me like that?
ROSS:
It’s MY office!
PAULINE:
Not any more, Ross.
SHE PICKS UP A ROLL OF SELLOTAPE FROM A NEARBY DESK AND APPROACHES ROSS WITH IT.
Not any more…
SCENE 9. INT. LOCAL SHOP. DAY.
DAVID GROWLS FROM UPSTAIRS. TUBBS AND EDWARD ARE DOWNSTAIRS DOING A STOCK CHECK.. EDWARD HOLDS A CLIPBOARD WHILST TUBBS IS UP A LADDER.
EDWARD:
Quiet, David! We’re trying to work! Now…candles?
TUBBS GRABS FOUR CANDLES FROM A BOX. SHE COUNTS THEM.
TUBBS:
Twelvety!
EDWARD:
Good. Cans of can’t?
SHE COUNTS THE CANS OF COLA ON THE SHELF.
TUBBS:
Twelvety!
EDWARD:
And…precious things?
TUBBS TOTS UP HOW MANY SNOWSTORMS THEY HAVE.
TUBBS:
Um…twelvety!
EDWARD:
Good! We haven’t sold a thing. Oh, Tubbs. We’re getting too old for this. My eyes are not what they were.
TUBBS:
Well…perhaps David could help out on busy days like today?
EDWARD:
No, Tubbs! This is a local shop for local people. David has spent far too much time amongst the strangers! His behaviour is too…peculiar!
TUBBS SEES A BEATLE RUNNING ACROSS THE COUNTER. SHE SNATCHES IT UP AND EATS IT.
TUBBS:
Maybe, but one day this shop will be his.
EDWARD:
And that’s what worries me! Our Mother was lucky, she had us to carry on the line – but David is an only child.
TUBBS:
And my insides are all wrong!
EDWARD:
Then the time has come to find him a mate!
TUBBS:
A no tail? But how will we get one?
EDWARD:
Leave it to me, Tubbs. I…have a way with women!
SCENE 10. INT. VIDEO SHOP. DAY.
HENRY WALKS INTO THE SHOP. ALLY IS THERE LOOKING AT VIDEO BOXES.
ALLY:
Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen…seen, seen, seen., seen, seen…
HENRY:
Alright, Ally?
ALLY:
Alright, Henry?
HENRY:
Seen this? My sister got it out.
HENRY HANDS ALLY THE CASE FOR “RICHARD III”.
ALLY:
Richard I…I…I….what’s it about?
HENRY:
It’s about two hours.
ALLY:
No, I mean – what is the theme of the film?
HENRY:
Oh, the theme of the film is…
HE HUMS A THEME TUNE.
ALLY:
Oh, is it an horror?
HENRY:
No, it’s a Shakespeare.
ALLY:
You devoid! Shakespeare is a language!
HENRY:
Yeah, that’s what I thought, but it turns out he is a director from them days. It’s colour, though.
ALLY:
So was it any good?
HENRY:
Yeah…well, there is SOME talking…
ALLY MOANS AND GOES TO PUT THE CASE BACK ON THE SHELF.
HENRY:
No! But mainly, it is just loads and loads of killings!
ALLY:
How many?
HENRY:
Loads!
ALLY:
Do you see them all?
HENRY:
Yeah.
ALLY:
Would Richard I-I-I win, say, Predator?
HENRY:
In terms of killings, yeah!
ALLY:
Right, we’ll get it, then.
HENRY NODS AND THEY WALK OFF TO THE COUNTER.
ALLY (V.O):
Ian McKellen? I thunked he was a weather man?
HENRY (V.O):
He is!
SCENE 11. INT. HOSPITAL FURNACE ROOM. DAY.
LES IS BURNING SOILED BLANKETS IN THE INCINERATOR. MIKE KING WALKS IN.
MIKE:
Stinks like a cacky nappy in here!
LES:
Hello, Mr King! Are you not doing your radio show?
MIKE:
Well, that’s what I’ve come to talk to YOU about. It’s Les, isn’t it?
LES:
Yeah, that’s right.
MIKE:
Well I was talking to some of the lads – you used to be in a band, didn’t you?
LES:
Yeah – Crème Brulee.
MIKE:
Crème Brulee! You’re the ones who…
LES:
Nearly signed to Pickwick in ’76, yeah.
MIKE:
What was your first single?
LES:
“Telephone Tears”.
MIKE:
“Telephone Tears”…Never!
LES SINGS A PART FROM THE SONG.
LES:
You’re always engaged girl, but not to me…is there room in your heart for my last 2p?
MIKE CHECKS HIS WATCH.
The operator…
MIKE:
Listen, Les, have you done any DJ-ing in your time?
LES REACTS, UNCERTAIN.
LES:
…Yes!
MIKE:
How would you like to do a guest spot on “The Sunshine Show”?
LES:
When?
MIKE:
Tonight, actually. Something’s come up and I can’t be there – a charity benefit for Down’s Syndrome. Fancy filling in?
LES THINKS.
MIKE:
Or are you working? Doesn’t matter if you can’t.
LES:
No, no, I’m sure I’ll finish in time for your evening slot, Mr King.
MIKE:
Mike!
LES:
Mike. Great, well, come up about ten to.
LES:
Right-o!
MIKE GOES TO EXIT.
Er, Mike? Is there a…play list?
MIKE:
To tell you the truth there’s only 30 LP’s in there! These buggers never notice. Play what you like!
MIKE WAVES A HAND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE AND EXITS, CHUCKLING. LES SMILES IN EXCITEMENT, REALISING HE CAN NOW UNLEASH CRÈME BRULEE RECORDS TO THE WHOLE HOSPITAL.
SCENE 12. EXT. PUBLIC TOILETS. DAY.
MAURICE HURRIES INTO THE GENTS, CHECKING THAT NOBODY SEES HIM GO IN.
SCENE 13. INT. PUBLIC TOILETS. DAY.
MAURICE ENTERS AND STANDS NEXT TO HILARY BRISS, WHO IS URINATING.
MAURICE:
Hilary!
HILARY:
We must stop meeting like this.
MAURICE:
I don’t need to go, you know.
HILARY:
Better get it out…for appearances.
MAURICE:
Oh, right.
HE DOES SO. HILARY DISCREETLY LOOKS DOWN AT MAURICE’S PENIS, AND MAKES A COMPARISON BETWEEN HIMSELF.
Are we still on for tonight?
HILARY:
Is that an offer, Maurice?
MAURICE:
The meeting, I mean! Seems longer than a month since the last one. I’m looking forward to filling my freezer.
HILARY:
8.30 – prompt. My place.
HILARY GOES TO EXIT. IN HIS WAY IS A HARD LOOKING MAN. HILARY GIVES A CAMP NOD OVER TO MAURICE, AND SMILES. HE EXITS. THE MAN ENTERING STANDS NEXT TO MAURICE AND GIVES HIM A STARE. MAURICE BACKS AWAY.
SCENE 14. INT. EMPTY FLAT. DAY.
POP IS SHOWING A YOUNG COUPLE, LYN AND GARY, AROUND.
POP:
As you can see, we have a very generous reception area.
POP BARGES INTO THE LOUNGE, SCATTERING A LARGE PILE OF MAIL. HE TRIES THE LIGHTSWITCH, WHICH DOESN’T WORK.
Ah, when you decide you want to move in, I get my son Al to put a new bulb in, there.
GARY:
Well, we’ve got a few more places to see, Mr…
POP:
Call me Pop! Ah, now. The telephone number here is a real feature – it’s 444 4244! Eh? Is real easy to remember! I bet, if I ask you now what is the number, you can reel it back to me, eh? So go on, what is the number?
GARY:
4…
POP:
444 4244! That’s right! You see? You know it already!
LYN:
You said it was central heating?
POP:
Right, it’s central heating…
IT’S OBVIOUS POP IS IGNORING LYN AND TAKES MORE INTEREST IN GARY.
So, Gary! You like this room, eh? It’s fully fitted for TV, video, satellite…you can do whatever you like in this room! You could be making love on the floor, eh? Whatever! Once you sign the lease, get on with whatever you like!
LYN:
But I can’t see any radiators…
POP:
…Yeah. I expect you want to go and see the kitchen, yeah? A woman want to know most – “what is the kitchen like?” That’s right, isn’t it, Gary?
GARY SMILES.
(TO LYN)
You go and look at the kitchen while I talk to Gary!
HE GRABS LYN’S ARM, DRAGS HER ACROSS TO THE KITCHEN, LITERALLY THROWS HER IN AND SLAMS THE DOOR.
So, you like the house?
GARY:
Well, we’ve got some other appointments…
POP:
Is no necessary! Is no necessary...you will not find a better place than this, not for the price!
GARY:
Well, we’re just looking…
POP:
You found! So sign!
GARY:
Well, I need to speak to…
POP:
Sssshhhh! Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary!
POP SITS DOWN, HE INVITES GARY TO AS WELL.
What is it you’re worried about, eh? You’re worried about THAT?
HE POINTS TO THE KITCHEN, AND LYN.
Take some advice from a man who knows life! Women like decision. So…I’m going to give you a pen, huh? And you is going to sign this paper and we’re going to shake hands like men!
HE FORCES THE LEASE AND A PEN INTO GARY’S HAND.
Like men who have done a deal!
GARY:
I can’t sign…
POP:
Yeah – in a minute, Gary, I’m going to lose my temper with you! ‘Cos we had an agreement here, a verbal agreement! That is like a contract, and you don’t break a contract, Gary. Not without consequence…
GARY:
Well…
POP:
What is the matter with you? Are you a homosexual? You can’t make a decision?
GARY:
I’m…
POP:
Then show me! Prove it to me! Sign your name…that’s who you are!
GARY BEGRUDGINGLY SIGNS THE LEASE.
I’m proud of you, Gary!
POP STANDS AND WALKS TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM.
Something happen here today! Something good…
POP CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND BECKONS LYN INTO THE LOUNGE.
Congratulations, Lyn! Welcome to your new home!
POP EXITS.
LYN:
Gary…there’s no heating!
SCENE 15. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
A WOMAN CROSSES THE MOORS. SUDDENLY, SHE STEPS IN A MAN TRAP. SHE FALLS OVER, SCREAMING IN AGONY.
WOMAN:
Help, someone! Please!
EDWARD WALKS OVER TO THE WOMAN. FROM THE MOMENT HE APPEARS, WE KNOW THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIM.
EDWARD:
Oh, my dear! What has happened? Are you alright?
WOMAN:
My leg! I was just out walking!
EDWARD:
Yes…who would do such a thing?
WOMAN:
I don’t know! Oh, thank God you came!
EDWARD BEGINS TO PRISE OPEN THE TRAP.
EDWARD:
So, tell me, my dear…are you local?
WOMAN:
No.
EDWARD LETS THE TRAP SNAP BACK SHUT. THE WOMAN SCREAMS AGAIN.
EDWARD:
Damn!
TUBBS SUDDENLY LEAPS UP FROM THE LONG GRASS, WITH BUNDLES OF GRASS STUCK TO HER CLOTHING, LIKE CAMOUFLAGE.
TUBBS:
Did the plan work, Edward?
EDWARD SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE WALKS OVER TO HER, LEAVING THE WOMAN STRANDED.
EDWARD:
Not local!
TUBBS LOOKS SAD.
WOMAN:
Please! Please, help me!
SCENE 16. EXT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.
WE SEE MICKEY STANDING ON A CHAIR, LEANING OUT THE WINDOW.
SCENE 17. INT. RESTART COURSE ROOM. DAY.
ROSS HAS BEEN WELL AND TRULY FASTENED TO A CHAIR WITH SELLOTAPE THAT HAS BEEN WRAPPED TIGHTLY AROUND HIS BODY.
ROSS:
Pauline…what are you doing?
PAULINE:
Shut up! I’m thinking!
PAULINE IS BARRICADING THE ROOM UP WITH CHAIRS.
Now, has anyone been past, Mickey, love?
MICKEY:
Only cars.
PAULINE:
Right, well you let me know if any pigs start sniffing around.
MICKEY:
Right! …what about dogs?
ROSS LOOKS UP, AMAZED AT MICKEY’S STUPIDITY.
ROSS:
Oh, look! What do you hope to achieve by this?
PAULINE:
I want my job back, you shit! The job you stole from me!
ROSS:
Otherwise, what? You’ll draw on my face (?)
PAULINE:
Oh, I’ll do more than that, Ross.
MICKEY SEES SOMEONE APPROACHING OUT THE WINDOW.
MICKEY:
Pauline! There’s someone coming!
PAULINE HURRIES OVER.
PAULINE:
Let me speak to them! Get down!
PAULINE CLAMBERS ON THE CHAIRS AND LEANS OUT THE WINDOW. WE SEE A YOUNG BOY RIDING PAST ON HIS BIKE.
Hello, hello, little boy?
THE BOY STOPS AND LOOKS AT HER.
I need you to go to the police station and give a message to Inspector Cox!
MICKEY:
Cocks!
PAULINE:
Tell him I am holding a hostage at the Job Centre! And I will not let him go until I get reinstated as Restart Officer! Now have you got that?
THE BOY SIMPLY STARES AT HER, CONFUSED.
PAULINE (TO MICKEY AND ROSS):
What’s the matter with him? Is he simple?
(TO LITTLE BOY)
You can also tell him I want a big, massive box of pens, with the words “Pauline’s Pens” written on the side.
MICKEY LEANS OUT THE WINDOW AS WELL.
MICKEY:
And I want a fire engine!
PAULINE NUDGES HIM OUT THE WAY.
PAULINE:
Give over! No, ignore that!
MICKEY:
Pauline, you promised.
PAULINE:
Mickey, love, you can’t even drive!
MICKEY:
I can learn!
PAULINE:
In a fire engine? I’d like to see you do a three point turn!
(TO LITTLE BOY)
No, forget the fire engine, just get me my job back!
ROSS:
And the pens (!)
PAULINE:
AND the pens!
MICKEY:
I want a fire engine!
PAULINE:
They won’t have time!
MICKEY:
I want one now!
PAULINE:
Oh, for fu…!
(TO LITTLE BOY)
Little boy, change of plan. We now WANT the fire engine, alright? Well go on then, off you go!
WE SEE THE LITTLE BOY WEARS A HEARING AID AND IS OBVIOUSLY DEAF. HE RIDES OFF.
PAULINE:
Are you satisfied?
MICKEY:
Yeah!
ROSS:
Well now what happens?
PAULINE:
Now, we wait!
ROSS:
And if they won’t co-operate?
PAULINE:
Then I start cutting off YOUR benefits!
SHE REACHES DOWN AND INDICATES ROSS’ TESTICLES.
SCENE 18. INT. HOSPITAL RADIO ROOM. DAY.
LES (V.O):
Crème Brulee there with “Voodoo Lady” from the album “Just Desserts”, still available on mail order – the address coming up at the end of the show.
WE SEE LES HAS THE HEADPHONES ON, AND BOXES OF CRÈME BRULEE CASSETTES.
Now, we all remember the long hot summer of ’76. Lady bird invasions, tiger sharks off Brighton beach, blokes in the park charging £1 for a can of Pepsi cola! But I wonder what Crème Brulee were up to? Well, we were…they were…”Dreaming Of Memphis”!
HE PLAYS A TRACK ON A CASSETTE. THROUGH THE HEADPHONES, LES MIMES ALONG WITH THE OPENING GUITAR SOLO. BEHIND HIM, WE SEE FOUR PATIENTS ESCAPING FROM THEIR WARD AND SHUFFLING ALONG THE CORRIDOR.
SCENE 19. EXT. STREET. DAY.
A CLOWN DRIVES A VAN WITH ‘COCO’S RECOVERY SERVICE’ DAUBED ALL OVER IT, TOWING A CAR THAT BELONGS IN “CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG”. STELLA IS CHATTING TO A LADY WITH A BABY ON THE DOORSTEP OF THEIR HOUSE.
STELLA:
No, honestly, Simone. She’ll be fine with us, won’t you Jade? Yeah! You go to the hospital, you’ll be alright. Ta-ra!
AS SIMONE TURNS AROUND, WE SEE SHE HAS A NOSEBLEED.
SCENE 20. INT. CHARLIE AND STELLA’S HOUSE. DAY.
CHARLIE SITS ON THE SOFA, MENDING HIS BIKE.
STELLA (V.O, IN BABY VOICE):
What you doing? Right, let’s get you sat down here, then!
(TO CHARLIE)
Shift that!
CHARLIE:
What?
STELLA:
All of it!
CHARLIE MOVES A WHEEL SO STELLA CAN SIT DOWN.
STELLA (TO BABY):
He shouldn’t be doing that in here, should he, Jade? No!
CHARLIE:
I hope she’s paying you.
STELLA:
This is your Uncle Charlie, Jade! Say hello, Charlie!
CHARLIE:
Hello.
STELLA:
Speak properly!
CHARLIE PUTS ON A MORE SUITABLE VOICE AND ADDRESSES THE BABY.
CHARLIE:
Hello. Hello, Jade! Pleased to meet you, sorry, I’ve got wet hands!
STELLA:
Oh, Charlie, she’s not a dog!
CHARLIE:
Her mother is.
SHE REACHES OVER AND SLAPS CHARLIE ON THE ARM.
STELLA:
Don’t listen to him, Jade! He’s a silly man! Yes, a silly man!
CHARLIE:
Oh yes, I’m a silly man, Jade! I only work six days a week to keep a family together, don’t I!
STELLA:
Call it a family? It’s not a family! He couldn’t care less, could he?
CHARLIE:
Oh, shut up!
STELLA:
When you grow up, Jade, don’t let a man like Charlie put his winkie inside you! They’ve got you then! And that was the end of my life!
CHARLIE GIVES HER A DIRTY LOOK.
I’ll just go and get your bock-bock, Jade.
(TO CHARLIE)
And I want that lot shifted!
STELLA EXITS.
CHARLIE:
She’s lying, Jade! Because…there’s many reasons why a mummy and a daddy fall out, you know that! I work my FRIGGING arse off! Sorry, Jade…what does SHE do? She gambles!
STELLA ENTERS AGAIN.
Fruit machines…scratch cards! She’s known for it!
STELLA:
Don’t listen to him, Jade. He’s a big fat liar.
CHARLIE:
Oh, I’m lying, am I, Jade? Well what are all these, then?
CHARLIE REACHES DOWN THE SOFA AND PULLS OUT A WAD OF LOTTERY TICKETS AND SCRATCH CARDS.
STELLA:
Give me them!
CHARLIE:
No! Stuffed behind the bread bin, eh! Eh, Jade?
STELLA:
They must be Julie’s, Jade!
CHARLIE:
Jade knows!
STELLA:
No, honestly, they must be Julie’s!
CHARLIE:
Jade knows and she’s disgusted with you…
CHARLIE THROWS THE TICKETS AND CARDS AT STELLA.
STELLA:
I’m sorry! I’m stuck in the house all day! I’ve got nowt to look forward to!
CHARLIE PICKS UP JADE’S CRIB.
CHARLIE:
Jade doesn’t want your excuses!
STELLA:
I hate the guts of him!
CHARLIE:
She doesn’t mean that, Jade.
STELLA:
I can’t see colours!
THEY BEGIN FRANTICALLY PLEADING WITH THE BABY.
CHARLIE:
Please, Jade!
STELLA:
Jade, please!
JADE STARTS CRYING. STELLA AND CHARLIE STOP ARGUING.
STELLA:
Ah…she misses her mummy.
CHARLIE:
Shall I go and warm her bock-bock?
STELLA:
If you would, Charlie.
CHARLIE EXITS.
SCENE 21. EXT. STREET. NIGHT.
THE WOMAN WHO GOT HER LEG CAUGHT IN THE MAN TRAP ON THE MOORS DRAGS HERSELF TO THE HOSPITAL DOORS. SHE FALLS OVER AS THE DOOR IS BATTERED OPEN BY THE ESCAPING PATIENTS, WHO SHUFFLE OUT AND INTO THE NIGHT.
SCENE 22. INT. MORGUE. NIGHT.
MR BEST, A DOCTOR AND MIKE KING ARE PLAYING CARDS.
DOC:
Are we playing for money?
MIKE:
That’s the only way to play, Doc!
MR BEST:
Would you like to do the honours, young man?
HE HANDS MIKE A DECK OF CARDS.
MIKE:
Thank you, young sir!
MIKE SHUFFLES THE CARDS.
MR BEST:
What’s it to be, then?
DOC:
Erm…knock out whist!
MR BEST:
Knock out whist? I think not, Doc. Let’s have a round of Slippery Jack!
MIKE:
Excellent, sir, excellent!
DOC:
I’m afraid I don’t know how to play that one.
MR BEST:
Doc doesn’t know Slippery Jack, Mike!
MIKE:
You don’t know Slippery Jack, Doc? Let’s have a round of…Forty Card Drag!
DOC:
Forty Card Drag…is that the one that’s a bit like Poker?
MR BEST LAUGHS.
MR BEST:
Don’t you know ANY card games, Doc?
DOC:
Yes – whist, knock out whist, rummy, Pontoon…
MIKE:
Oh come on! Let’s have a game of Go Johnny Go, Go, Go, Go!
MR BEST:
Fine idea, young sir!
MIKE:
I’ll just sort through these…
DOC:
I don’t know that one, either!
MIKE:
Oh, everyone knows Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
DOC:
Well, I don’t!
MR BEST:
You do! It’s like a cross between Hoover and Eight Men Down!
DOC:
Well I don’t know how to play those either!
MIKE CHUCKLES.
MR BEST:
It’s alright. We’ll just have to explain the rules to you, then.
MIKE:
It’s very simple…
MR BEST:
Jacks are worth ten, kings are worth three.
MIKE:
Apart from one eyed jacks which are wild cards!
MR BEST:
We’ll come to those in a minute.
MIKE:
Round one you get a hand of nine, round two a hand of seven…
MR BEST:
Now, two’s a wild card…
MIKE:
But we’ll come to those in a minute!
MR BEST:
Apart from diamonds which retain their face value…
MIKE:
Except the king of diamonds, obviously.
MR BEST:
Obviously! We play in sequence unless you can match a pair…or play a card in ascending or descending order.
DOC IS GETTING THOROUGHLY CONFUSED AT THIS.
MIKE:
And that’s a Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go.
MR BEST:
You stand up, pick up all the cards on the table and shout “Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!”
MIKE:
The winner is the man with the most tricks after fifteen hands…
MR BEST:
You’ll pick up the rest as we play. Shall we say….a pound a round?
DOC:
I’m not really sure how to start…
MR BEST:
Well, just put a card on the table.
MIKE:
Come on!
MR BEST:
Hurry up, Doc!
DOC PUTS A CARD DOWN. MIKE AND MR BEST LOOK AT IT.
MIKE:
A three?
MR BEST:
You can’t lead with a THREE!
MIKE:
This is Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go, not Bamalama-Fizz-Vaj!
DOC:
Sorry.
MR BEST:
Start again!
SCENE 23. INT. HILARY BRISS’ LOUNGE. NIGHT.
HILARY IS SURROUNDED BY GUESTS AS HE TELLS A STORY, STOOD BY THE FIRE. AMONGST THE MEN GATHERED THERE IS SAM CHIGNELL.
HILARY:
So she says “I can’t buy that, they’re all covered in doings!”. I says “how much more free range do you want?”
THE MEN ALL LAUGH. WE HEAR A DOOR OPENING.
SAM:
Oh, this’ll be Maurice!
HILARY:
Hmm, about time.
MAURICE ENTERS THE ROOM.
Maurice! We’d almost given up on you.
MAURICE:
Sorry I’m late, Hilary. Oh, the lot of a magistrate! The bench has to come first!
HILARY:
Alright, Judge Jeffreys! Sit down!
MAURICE TAKES A SEAT.
Right…now we’re all finally convened. As my special customers, you’re no doubt aw…
THE DOOR OPENS AND MAURICE’S WIFE, EUNICE, ENTERS. EVERYONE LOOKS SHOCKED.
EUNICE:
Hiya, I was just parking the car.
HILARY:
Right, Eunice! An unexpected pleasure! Sam, would you like to get Eunice a drink?
SAM USHERS EUNICE TO THE DRINKS CABINET. HILARY BECKONS MAURICE OVER.
Maurice…do you have a moment?
HE LEADS HILARY TO A CORNER OF THE ROOM.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
MAURICE:
What do you mean?
HILARY:
How much does she know?
MAURICE:
Just the basics!
HILARY:
Oh, just the basics?
MAURICE:
I thought she could come in on it!
HILARY:
Get rid of her, Maurice!
MAURICE GLANCES ROUND AT EUNICE, WHO IS CHATTING TO SAM.
MAURICE:
Does this mean you want me to get rid of the others, too?
HILARY EXPLODES.
HILARY:
WHAT OTHERS?
MAURICE:
Her brother in law and the kids. They’re all parked outside in a Maxi.
HILARY STAMPS ON MAURICE’S FOOT.
Get out, Maurice!
MAURICE WALKS OVER TOWARDS EUNICE.
EUNICE:
Is this what I think it is? It’s lovely!
MAURICE:
Come along, Eunice!
EUNICE:
But we’ve only just got here…
MAURICE:
Yes, well…I-I left the door on the latch!
EUNICE:
Oh, you never did? Anyway, I can stay!
MAURICE:
No! Come on!
HE BUSTLES HER OUT THE DOOR AND HE EXITS AS WELL. SAM STANDS AND APPROACHES HILARY.
SAM:
Well?
HILARY:
I think we may have to take steps.
SAM LOOKS WORRIED.
SCENE 24. INT. MORGUE. NIGHT.
MIKE, DOC AND MR BEST ARE STILL PLAYING CARDS.
DOC PLACES A CARD ON THE TABLE. MR BEST AND MIKE BOTH MURMUR IN SURPRISE.
MR BEST:
Very interesting, Mr Bond!
DOC FEELS HE IS FINALLY GETTING THE HANG OF THE GAME. MR BEST PLACES A CARD DOWN.
Huit…
MIKE PLACES ONE DOWN AS WELL.
MIKE:
Ace in the hole…
DOC PLACES A CARD DOWN, PUTTING ON A COOL ACCENT.
DOC:
Ten…
MIKE AND MR BEST BOTH LOOK AT HIM.
What?
MIKE:
Come on, Doc.
DOC:
What?
MR BEST:
That’s a Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
DOC:
Is it? Great!
HE REACHES OUT TO TAKE THE CARDS.
MR BEST:
You can’t touch them!
DOC:
Why not?
MR BEST:
Because you’ve got to say “Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go”.
DOC:
Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go.
MIKE:
Stand up, first.
MR BEST:
And say “Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go”.
DOC STANDS.
DOC:
Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go.
MIKE:
Now name your pairs.
DOC:
What?
MR BEST:
Name your pairs!
DOC:
You didn’t say anything about naming pairs!
MIKE:
You put down a three.
DOC:
Yes…
MR BEST:
Well if you put down a three then you must have pairs!
DOC:
Why pairs?
MIKE:
Because that’s a Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go.
DOC LOOKS AT HIS CARDS.
MR BEST:
Well you can’t look at them!
DOC:
I’m supposed to remember them?
MIKE:
That’s the whole point!
MR BEST:
Look, jacks are worth ten…
MIKE:
One eyed jacks are wild cards…
DOC HAS FINALLY HAD ENOUGH.
DOC:
LOOK! Why can’t we just play something simple? And why do we only ever play things you two know the rules of? It was like this when we were kids! You put bets on bloody…”Buckaroo!” Why can’t we just play…”Hangman” or something?
MIKE/MR BEST:
Oooooooooh!
MR BEST:
Alright, Doc!
MIKE:
Whatever you say, Doc.
MR BEST:
Hangman it is.
MIKE:
Hangman. Sounds good to me…
DOC:
I’m sorry!
MIKE:
No, it’s alright – Hangman.
THERE IS A PAUSE.
Are we playing Canadian rules or Italian?
SCENE 25. EXT. JOB CENTRE. NIGHT.
ROSS (V.O):
Pauline, what if nobody comes?
PAULINE (V.O):
Oh shut up, Ross. And stop hogging that duvet!
END CREDITS. |
