Christmas Special (Yule Never Leave) - Broadcast (27 Dec 00)

CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Reverend Bernice Woodall, Stella Hull,
Vinnie Wythenshaw (voice), Judee Levinson (voice), Pam Doove (voice), Matthew Parker, Dr. Singleton Boothby, Papa Lazarou, Victorian Ross Gaines

MARK GATISS Lee Scott, Val Denton, Iris Krell (voice),
Lotte Lipp, Dr. Matthew Chinnery, Dr.
Edmund Chinnery, Victorian Mickey
Michaels

STEVE PEMBERTON Charlie Hull, Reenie Calver (voice), Herr Lipp, Dr. Timothy Majolica, Pauline Campbell-Jones, Ashdown the Bear (?), Victorian Pauline Campbell-Jones, Victorian Harvey Denton

WITH
FREDDIE JONES
LIZA TARBUCK
ANDREW MELVILLE
FRANCES COX
BAY WHITE
RUSTY GOFFE
GERALD STADDEN
JON KEY
JUDITH VAUSE
THE LONDON CHILDREN’S CHOIR
THE ROYSTON VASEY LINE DANCERS

OPENING TITLES – WE HEAR HEAVY BREATHING AND THE EXTERIOR OF A SNOW COVERED CHURCH. A HAND REACHES OUT FOR A ROBIN STANDING ON TOP OF A GRAVE, AND PULLS THE BODY FROM IT’S LEGS. THE HAND DROPS THE ROBIN’S BODY AND MOVES AWAY. WE SEE A SNOWMAN, AND THE SAME HAND PULLS IT’S CARROT NOSE OFF AND STICKS IT IN THE GROIN AREA, ACTING AS A MAKESHIFT PENIS. WE HEAR A BELL RINGING, AND SEE A STREAM OF URINE SPLATTER THE SNOW. A PAIR OF HANDS FORM A SNOWBALL FROM THE URINE SOAKED SNOW AND THROWS IT AT A MAN DRESSED AS SANTA ON A PASSING FLOAT ADVERTISING HAMMOND'S SUPERSTORE. IT HITS THE MAN SQUARE IN THE FACE. THE PERSON WIPES THEIR HANDS, CHUCKLING, AND WE SEE IT IS BERNICE WOODALL. SHE ENTERS THE CHURCH.

SCENE 1. INT. CHURCH. DAY.

BERNICE HOLDS A SHOT GLASS AND APPROACHES A SMALL STATUE OF THE VIRGIN MARY. SHE TUCKS THE GLASS UNDERNEATH AND PULLS. SHE TAKES THE SHOT GLASS OUT, NOW HALF FULL OF WHISKY OR BRANDY.

BERNICE:
Finally, I can watch the boxing!

THERE IS BANGING AT THE DOOR AND A MUFFLED VOICE.

MAN (V.O):
Reverend Woodall?

BERNICE:
Oh…bugger!

SHE THROWS HER DRINK IN A FONT. CHARLIE HULL ENTERS HOLDING A NATIVITY SCENE HE HAS MADE.

Oh, it’s Tom Selleck! This was due three days ago!

SHE NODS AT THE NATIVITY SCENE.

CHARLIE:
Yeah, I’m sorry. A bit of trouble at home.

BERNICE LEANS IN TO HAVE A LOOK AT IT.

BERNICE:
What’s this the third king’s carrying?

CHARLIE:
Tweed…by Lentheric.

BERNICE:
Oh…

CHARLIE:
Well Stella flushed the myrrh down the lav!

BERNICE:
Give it here!

SHE TAKES THE NATIVITY SCENE AND WALKS OFF TO PUT IT DOWN.

Ridiculous…

CHARLIE:
Actually, Reverend, I was wondering if I could ask your advice?

BERNICE:
You don’t want to confess, do you?

CHARLIE:
No, nothing like that.

BERNICE:
Good.

SHE WALKS OVER TO THE CONFESSIONAL BOOTHS AND PULLS ONE OF THE CURTAINS BACK, REVEALING IT TO BE STOCKED TO THE BRIM WITH CIGARETTES.

I’ve got six thousand Embassy in here from Bruges. I’m looking after them for a friend. Do you fancy one?

CHARLIE:
No, I won’t, thanks, Reverend.

BERNICE WALKS TO THE OTHER CURTAIN AND PULLS THAT BACK, REVEALING MORE CIGARETTES.

BERNICE:
Lambert and Butler?

CHARLIE:
Ah, go on then, I will.

BERNICE:
Well, take a pew. What seems to be the trouble?

CHARLIE AND BERNICE SIT DOWN.

CHARLIE:
Well I’ve been having these funny dreams.

BERNICE:
You shouldn’t be getting sticky duvet at your age!

CHARLIE:
No, they’re more like anxiety dreams…

BERNICE OFFERS CHARLIE HER LIGHTER FROM WHICH SHOOTS A HUGE FLAME. CHARLIE LIGHTS HIS CIGARETTE.

You know I’ve entered this line dancing competition on Boxing Day?

BERNICE:
Yes…

CHARLIE:
Well I’ve been practising really hard.

SCENE 2. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

PEOPLE ARE LINE DANCING TOGETHER, AND COUNTRY AND WESTERN CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS. CHARLIE IS HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE, BUT STELLA, WHO IS NEXT TO HIM, LOOKS MORE UNCERTAIN.

CHARLIE (V.O):
It were out Julie’s idea. She said ‘find a common interest you both enjoy’ – Stella said a divorce, but then I saw this advert in the paper for line dancing. Well I absolutely loved it, but…I don’t think Stella was quite as keen. Apart from that, we were getting on as normal, just…well, a typical family Christmas.

SCENE 3. INT. CHARLIE AND STELLA’S HOUSE. DAY.

CHARLIE AND STELLA ARE PUTTING UP DECORATIONS.

STELLA:
Keep it still, dickhead!

CHARLIE:
Hurry up, Julie!

STELLA:
Don’t shout.

CHARLIE:
I can’t keep it up much longer!

STELLA:
Oh, that’s what he said last night, Julie!

CHARLIE:
Oh shut up, you bastard!

STELLA:
I’ll have to do what I usually do and finish it off myself.

CHARLIE:
I can’t help it, my arm’s hurting!

STELLA:
Oh yeah, I forgot. That’s your wanking hand, isn’t it?

CHARLIE:
Your mum’s just upset because I’m going line dancing tonight.

STELLA:
He’s not Julie!

CHARLIE:
He IS, Julie!

STELLA:
When’s he coming home, ask him?

CHARLIE:
When he’s ready, tell her!

STELLA:
Well what about the tree? We always put the tree up as a family, don’t we, Julie?

CHARLIE:
Oh, we’re not putting that up again? We’ve had it ten years!

CHARLIE POINTS TO A SAD LOOKING TREE.

STELLA:
So what? It’s a good tree, isn’t it Julie?

CHARLIE:
It’s all shrivelled up and the baubles have dropped off!

STELLA:
Julie doesn’t want to hear about your personal problems.

CHARLIE:
Right, that’s it. I’m going.

CHARLIE WALKS OFF TO THE FRONT DOOR.

STELLA:
Wait! Will you please ask your dad if he’ll come home and stuff the turkey tonight?

CHARLIE:
It’s too late for that, Julie…

CHARLIE PUTS A STETSON HAT ON.

It’s been in the freezer too long. I’ll see you later, Julie. Julie?

STELLA:
She’s at college today.

CHARLIE:
Oh yeah!

HE EXITS.

SCENE 4. INT. CHURCH. DAY.

BERNICE:
Well you’re right…what a horrible dream.

CHARLIE:
No, the dream hasn’t started yet. That was real.

BERNICE:
I see…carry on.

SCENE 5. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

CHARLIE LINE DANCES TO MORE COUNTRY AND WESTERN STYLE CHRISTMAS MUSIC. STELLA STANDS AT THE BAR WITH HER FRIEND, DONNA SCOTT.

STELLA:
Look at him, Donna. Thinks he’s John frigging Travolta. More like John Prescott!

DONNA:
Well, at least he’s active, Stella. All my husband wants to do is watch the women’s tits jiggle about.

LEE SCOTT, DONNA’S HUSBAND, WALKS BACK ROUND FROM STANDING AT THE BAR.

LEE:
I don’t!

STELLA:
I never see him anymore, Donna. He’s like these bodybuilders – he’s obsessed!

DONNA:
Why, has he been pumping iron?

STELLA:
I don’t know what it is, Donna, but it stinks.

STELLA AND DONNA WALK OFF TO THE TOILETS.

CHARLIE:
Hey Stella, I’m entering that!

HE POINTS AT A SIGN THAT READS ‘LINE DANCING COMPETITION, THIS SATURDAY’.

STELLA:
Ooh, congratulations, Charlie – it’ll be the first thing you’ve entered all year!

STELLA AND DONNA LAUGH. CHARLIE GIVES HER THE V-SIGN.

SCENE 6. INT. PUB TOILETS. NIGHT.

STELLA AND DONNA SIT IN CUBICLES NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

DONNA:
Hey Stella, have you thought about getting professional help?

STELLA:
What like? Marriage guidance? We’ve been there that often we go to the Christmas party!

DONNA:
Have you ever heard of these people?

SHE PASSES A CARD UNDERNEATH THE WALL OF THE CUBICLE. STELLA TAKES IT.

STELLA:
“Solutions”?

DONNA:
They helped me and our Lee when we had problems.

STELLA LOOKS GUILTY.

STELLA:
You and Lee?

DONNA:
Yeah, he admitted he’d been unfaithful to me. We’re alright now.

STELLA:
Hang on, is this anything to do with hypnotism? Because Polly who works with me once volunteered on a hen night and she’s still not recovered. Whenever she hears Neil Sedaka, she has to eat an onion as if it’s an apple.

DONNA:
Just ring them. You’ll be very surprised at what they can do.

STELLA:
Hmm.

SHE TAPS THE ASH FROM HER CIGARETTE AND IT FALLS INTO HER CROTCH. SHE SCREAMS AS SHE TRIES TO REMOVE IT.

SCENE 7. INT. BARBARA’S TAXI. NIGHT.

THE TAXI DRIVES ALONG A DESERTED, DARK PATH.

STELLA:
It’s all very secretive, Barbara. I have to wear a mask and everything.

BARBARA:
A mask? What is it, the masons?

STELLA:
Well kind of, but I think it’s all women.

BARBARA:
Oh, see if you can get me an appointment, then. Mind you, I tried to join the women-only gym in town, but they turned me down.

STELLA:
Oh, Barbara, that’s discrimination!

BARBARA:
Well, it was embarrassing. Me penis kept falling out.

STELLA:
What, out your leotard?

BARBARA:
No, out me locker. I keep it for old time’s sake, you know. OK, here we go.

THE TAXI PULLS UP OUTSIDE A WAREHOUSE.

SCENE 8. EXT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

BARBARA:
That’ll be four pounds, please.

STELLA:
Thanks, Barbara. Merry Christmas!

BARBARA DRIVES OFF.

BARBARA (V.O):
Good luck!

STELLA APPROACHES THE INTERCOM FOR THE BUILDING AND PRESSES THE BUTTON MARKED ‘SOLUTIONS’.
FROM INTERCOM:
Password, please.

STELLA SPEAKS SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY INTO THE MICROPHONE.

STELLA:
Prawn…toast.

THE DOOR OPENS AND STELLA ENTERS.

SCENE 9. INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

STELLA WALKS A SHORT DISTANCE BEFORE SHE SEES JUDEE LEVINSON, DRESSED AS NORMAL, BUT WITH A WHITE MASK THAT COVERS HER FACE.

STELLA:
Hello?

JUDEE:
Would you kindly put on your mask?

JUDEE POINTS INTO THE MAIN WAREHOUSE.

STELLA:
Oh sorry, I’ve got it in here.

STELLA APPROACHES A TABLE, AROUND WHICH ARE SAT A NUMBER OF WOMEN FROM THE TOWN. FROM THEIR CLOTHES WE CAN SEE PAULINE, PAM DOOVE, IRIS, JUDEE, VINNIE AND REENIE. AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE SITS VAL DENTON. THEY ALL WEAR THE SAME WHITE MASKS.

VAL:
Come closer, please.

STELLA PULLS HER MASK OUT AND PUTS IT ON. IT IS A LIKENESS OF POSTMAN PAT.

STELLA:
Hiya…

THE WOMEN ALL TURN AND LOOK AT HER.

Erm…I’ve got an appointment?

PAULINE:
You’re late!

STELLA:
I know, I had to go and get this.

VAL:
The mask is inappropriate. Remove it, please.

STELLA PULLS IT OFF.

STELLA:
Sorry, it was either that or Spiderman, and I thought…

PAULINE:
What’s your problem, then?

STELLA:
Sorry?

JUDEE:
What is the cause of your sadness and pain?

STELLA:
Oh, well. It’s not pain exactly…it’s just, my husband Charlie. He’s taken up this thing – it sounds silly to say it now, but…line dancing?

IRIS:
Oh, my Ron’s mad on that!

PAULINE:
Shhh!

STELLA:
Well basically, I want him to stop.

THE WOMEN ALL TURN TO LOOK AT VAL.

VAL:
We think that we can help you, Mrs Hull. But first you must bring us three things…

WOMAN:
A lock of his hair…

2ND WOMAN:
A photographic likeness of his face…

3RD WOMAN:
An item he uses every day…

PAM DOOVE:
A bockle ourange joof!

EVERYONE LOOKS AT PAM.

VAL:
That will not be necessary. Three items will suffice.

STELLA:
Hang on, let me get a pen…

PAULINE:
Here!

STELLA:
Oh, right…thanks.

SHE HOLDS A PEN OUT FOR STELLA.

And I want it back!

STELLA TAKES THE PEN AND WRITES ON A BOX OF TAMPONS.

REENIE:
She has to bring her own bag, dear! Tell her we don’t provide the bags!

VINNIE:
Alright, no need to be rude, dear.

REENIE:
I’m not being rude, dear.

VAL:
Bring the items to us tomorrow. We’ll see what we can do. Good day.

THE GROUP DISPERSES.

STELLA:
OK, look, two things. Do I have to wear a mask again, because I can go back and get Spiderman…

VAL:
That will not be necessary.

STELLA:
Yeah, and how much is it all going to cost, because it is Christmas?

VAL:
The price cannot be made known to you until the job is completed.

STELLA:
Alright, but you’d better not swizz me! Or else I’ll get Anne Robinson onto you!

SCENE 10. CHARLIE AND STELLA’S HOUSE. DAY.

STELLA HOLDS UP CHARLIE’S RAZOR.

WOMAN’S VOICE (V.O):
An item he uses every day…

CHARLIE ENTERS THE ROOM WITH SHAVING FOAM ON HIS FACE. STELLA HIDES THE RAZOR BEHIND HER BACK.

CHARLIE:
Stella, have you seen my shaver anywhere?

STELLA:
Oh, try downstairs. I used it to do my bikini line.

CHARLIE:
I wondered what all them grey hairs were…

HE EXITS.

STELLA HURRIES INTO THE BATHROOM AND PULLS A LARGE CLOT OF HAIR OUT THE PLUGHOLE.

2ND WOMAN’S VOICE (V.O):
A lock of his hair…

CHARLIE (V.O):
Where the bloody hell is it then, you stupid bitch? Hey, which room is it in?

STELLA DROPS THE HAIR INTO A PAPER BAG.

Stella!
CHARLIE RUMMAGES AROUND, TRYING TO FIND HIS RAZOR.

This house is a frigging disgrace…

3RD WOMAN’S VOICE (V.O):
A photographic likeness of his face…

WE SEE THAT A WEDDING PHOTO ON THE WALL IS MISSING CHARLIE’S HEAD.

SCENE 11. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

LEE CARRIES A TRAY OF DRINKS BACK TO A TABLE WHERE CHARLIE, STELLA AND DONNA SIT. ALL ARE DRESSED UP FOR THE LINE DANCING COMPETITION.

LEE:
Here we go…a pint of Dutch courage for Charlie boy. Dry sherry for the good lady wife. And a Screaming Orgasm for our Stella.

STELLA:
Ooh, that’d be a first, wouldn’t it? You should have seen him last night, Donna. It was like shoving an oyster into a parking meter.

CHARLIE GIVES HER A LOOK.

CHARLIE:
Yeah, parking meters ARE grey, aren’t they, Lee?

LEE LAUGHS.

(TO STELLA)

You’re in a good mood tonight.

STELLA:
Yes, well. I’ve come to watch Pinky win his little competition, haven’t I?

DONNA:
Why do you call him Pinky?

STELLA:
‘Cos he’s a pig and stinks of shit!

THE COMPERE SPEAKS OVER THE RECORD.

COMPERE (V.O):
Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. First up tonight, please welcome contestant number one, Charlie Hull!

LEE:
Go on, Charlie! Go on!

CHARLIE WALKS ONTO THE DANCEFLOOR.

STELLA:
Charlie?

HE LOOKS BACK AT HER.

Break your leg!

CHARLIE SNARLS AT HER. COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC STARTS, AND CHARLIE BEGINS HIS LINE DANCING ROUTINE.

DONNA:
Hey, did you go and see those people I told you about?

STELLA NODS.

How did you get on?

STELLA:
I think we’re about to find out…

SCENE 12. INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

THE WOMEN OF “SOLUTIONS” ARE DRESSED IN THEIR WHITE MASKS AND ROBES. VAL WALKS INTO THE CENTRE OF A CIRCLE OF WOMEN HOLDING A HANDCRAFTED VOODOO DOLL OF CHARLIE. THERE IS STRANGE CHANTING. VAL HOLDS THE DOLL ALOFT.

SCENE 13. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

CHARLIE CONTINUES HIS ROUTINE. HE IS DOING WELL.

SCENE 14. INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

THE WOMEN GATHER ROUND VAL IN PREPARATION.

SCENE 15. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

CHARLIE CARRIES ON DANCING, UNAWARE THAT DARK FORCES ARE AT WORK. STELLA LOOKS CONCERNED.

DONNA:
Hey, he’s doing really well!

STELLA:
I know…

SCENE 16. INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

VAL HOLDS THE DOLL UP TO THE LIGHT. SHE THEN TOSSES IT AWAY.

SCENE 17. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

AT THE SAME TIME, CHARLIE GOES FLYING ACROSS THE FLOOR AND LANDS IN A HEAP. THE CROWD LOOK ON, SURPRISED, AS CHARLIE HAULS HIMSELF UP, SHOCKED. STELLA AND DONNA EXCHANGE LOOKS. STELLA STARTS TO LAUGH AS CHARLIE STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET. CHARLIE GETS BACK INTO HIS RHYTHM.

SCENE 18. INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

PAULINE NOW HOLDS THE DOLL, AND APPROACHES A CANDLE. SHE PASSES THE DOLL’S FEET OVER IT.

SCENE 19. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

CHARLIE BEGINS TO DANCE FASTER, AWARE THAT HIS FEET ARE GROWING HOTTER.

SCENE 20. INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

PAULINE HOLDS THE DOLL OVER THE CANDLE AND TURNS TO ONE OF THE OTHER WOMEN.

PAULINE:
Is that enough, do you think?

THE DOLL’S LEG CATCHES FIRE, ALTHOUGH PAULINE DOESN’T NOTICE IT IMMEDIATELY.

SCENE 21. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

CHARLIE NOW SILENTLY SCREAMS AS HIS LEG FEELS LIKE IT IS ON FIRE. HE DANCES MADLY AND WILDLY, THE CROWD BEGINNING TO WONDER WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM.

SCENE 22. INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

ONE OF THE OTHER SOLUTIONS MEMBERS POINTS AT THE BURNING DOLL.

WOMAN:
Look out!

PAULINE:
Oh shit!

PAULINE DROPS THE DOLL AND STAMPS ON IT.

SCENE 23. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

CHARLIE IS NOW IN AGONY, STAGGERING AROUND AND WANTING THE PAIN TO STOP.

LEE:
What’s he doing, River Dance?

STELLA LAUGHS. CHARLIE’S VISION HAS BECOME BLURRED AS HE THRASHES AROUND. STELLA LOOKS ECSTATIC, ALTHOUGH DONNA AND LEE LOOK AT HER, CONCERNED.

SCENE 24. INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

ONE LADY FETCHES A KETTLE OF WATER AND POURS IT OVER THE BURNING DOLL. THE FLAMES GO OUT.

SCENE 25. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

THE MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS. THE JUDGES LOOK ON, AMAZED. SOME SHAKE THEIR HEADS. CHARLIE HAS EMPTIED A PINT OF BEER OVER HIMSELF TO STOP THE BURNING SENSATION. HE APPROACHES THE JUDGE’S DESK AND PUTS THE GLASS DOWN. THEY HOLD UP BOARDS WITH THEIR MARKS OUT OF TEN ON THEM - ‘O’, ‘O’ AND ‘2’. STELLA TRIES NOT TO LAUGH. SHE BEGINS A SLOW CLAP AS CHARLIE LEAVES THE DANCEFLOOR. PEOPLE GRADUALLY JOIN IN.

STELLA:
Ha, well I think you’re right, Donna. That’s put an end to Pinky’s line dancing!

SHE PICKS HER GLASS UP

Another Screaming Orgasm please, Lee.

LEE WINKS AT HER WITHOUT DONNA SEEING. DONNA LOOKS AT STELLA, THEN AT LEE.

SCENE 26. EXT. FIELD. DAY.

STELLA AND LEE SIT TOGETHER ON A BENCH, CUDDLING. THE FIELD IS COVERED IN SNOW.

STELLA:
His new obsession is aquariums…he’s out now, buying a couple of Black Mollies.

LEE:
And what about the sex? Is it still like shoving an oyster in a parking meter?

STELLA:
Hmm, more like a crab stick!

LEE:
What does that make me?

STELLA:
You? You’re a big fat sperm whale!

THEY LAUGH AND KISS EACH OTHER.

LEE:
Well, I’m glad our Donna never found out about us, she’d have killed me.

STELLA:
I know. It was a good job you went to Solutions.

LEE:
What?

STELLA:
Solutions! It’s alright, Donna told me you went. She even got me onto them.

LEE:
Who?

STELLA:
Solutions! But hey, they haven’t told me the price yet.

LEE:
I have honestly absolutely no idea what you are talking abo-

HIS WORDS ARE CUT SHORT AS HE DOUBLES UP AND CLUTCHES AT HIS THROAT. BLOOD STARTS SEEPING DOWN HIS CHEST.

STELLA:
Lee?

LEE:
What’s happening?

SCENE 27. INT. WAREHOUSE. DAY.

WE SEE A BLADE SLICE ACROSS A VOODOO DOLL WITH LEE’S FACE ON IT.
SCENE 28. EXT. FIELD. DAY.

STELLA:
Lee? Lee!

LEE:
What’s happening!?

STELLA SCREAMS AS SHE SEES THE BLOOD POURING DOWN HIS CHEST.

STELLA:
Lee! Someone help! Lee, you’re bleeding! Help!

A WOMAN WITH A HOODED COAT ENTERS. SHE HAS THE WHITE MASK OF THE SOLUTIONS GROUP ON. SHE PULLS DOWN HER HOOD AND TAKES OFF THE MASK. IT IS DONNA.

Donna?

DONNA:
Problem solved, Stella.

SHE HOLDS OUT A RAZOR.

STELLA:
What? What’s this?

DONNA:
This is the price.

SHE WALKS OFF SLOWLY, THEN SHOUTS.

Help! Help! She’s murdered my husband!

STELLA:
Please somebody help!

STELLA IS LEFT HOLDING THE BLOODIED RAZOR AND STANDING NEXT TO LEE’S LIFELESS BODY. TWO POLICEMEN RUN IN AND TAKE STELLA AWAY.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

SCENE 29. INT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

CHARLIE STARES INTO SPACE AS HE FINISHES HIS TALE.

CHARLIE:
And it’s just the same bloody dream, night after night…

HE LOOKS TO HIS SIDE AND SEES BERNICE IS NO LONGER THERE.

Reverend?

BERNICE IS STANDING LOOKING AT A SNOWFLAKE MADE OF PAPER PINNED TO A BOARD.

Reverend, are you alright?

BERNICE HAS NOT REALLY BEEN LISTENING TO CHARLIE’S STORY.

BERNICE:
Yes…if you look at this snowflake, you can see a sort of little dog’s face in it…

CHARLIE:
But what about my dream?

BERNICE:
Oh, that. Well, let me ask you two questions. Charlie, in your heart of hearts…do you love your wife?

CHARLIE THINKS FOR A SECOND.

CHARLIE:
No…

BERNICE:
OK. Second…have you been eating any cheese-based meals recently?

CHARLIE:
A couple or three pizzas…

BERNICE:
Yeah. Well I think you’ll find the whole thing is nothing but a cheese dream.

CHARLIE:
Eh?

BERNICE:
A cheese dream! A dream brought about by eating cheese!

CHARLIE:
But Reverend, you don’t understand. I feel so alone!

BERNICE:
Oh, I’ve been on my own since I was an eight year old bairn!

BERNICE HAS A FLASHBACK TO WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT. A SMALL GIRL SITS ON THE STAIRS OF A HOUSE, SCREAMING FOR HER MUMMY.

There was a Christmas to remember…now come on, you! Get out!

SHE BUNDLES CHARLIE OUT THE DOOR.

SCENE 31. EXT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

BERNICE:
Stop wasting my time!

CHARLIE:
But I can’t…

BERNICE:
Piss off home, Kenny Rogers and practise your Dorothy clicks!

CHARLIE:
Please, Reverend, it’s Christmas Eve!

BERNICE:
Go on, off you go!

CHARLIE STUMBLES AWAY FROM THE CHURCH, CRYING. AS BERNICE ENTERS THE CHURCH, SHE STOPS AND SCOWLS AT AN ILLUMINATED SANTA STATUE OUTSIDE THE DOORS. SHE GOES BACK INSIDE.

SCENE 32. INT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

AS SOON AS SHE ENTERS, THERE IS ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

BERNICE:
Now what? We’re shut!

MAN (V.O):
But it’s Christmas!

BERNICE GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR.

BERNICE:
Oh…bloody Christmas – sicking up brandy butter and chipolatas! What?

AN OLD MAN STANDS AT THE DOOR. THIS IS MATTHEW PARKER.

MATTHEW:
Are you the priest here?

BERNICE:
No, I’m the fucking gardener! What do you think?

SHE STOMPS AWAY, ALLOWING MATTHEW TO ENTER.

MATTHEW:
I’m seeking absolution! Can you give it to me, preacher?

HE SEES THE CHRISTMAS TREE.

Oh…how pretty.

BERNICE:
Yeah well, it’s nothing to do with me, they get the mongs from Stanhope Park to put it up!

MATTHEW:
I thought such things were pretty once…I thought Christmas meant something. Goodwill to men and all that! But if you’d seen what I’ve seen, Reverend…you’d tear down those trinkets and grind them beneath your feet!

BERNICE:
Oh, aye?

MATTHEW GRABS HER BY THE SHOULDERS.

MATTHEW:
It was a long time ago…I was young then. I knew nothing of the world and all it’s rottenness.

WE SEE A SMALL MODEL FIGURE OF A CHOIRBOY, AND SINGING.

VOICE (V.O):
Stille nacht…

SCENE 33. INT. CHURCH. DAY.

TITLE BOARD: DUISBERG, 1975. A CHOIR SINGS INSIDE THE LARGE CHURCH ALONG WITH AN ORGAN. THEY SING “SILENT NIGHT” IN GERMAN. CONDUCTING THEM IS HERR LIPP.

CHOIR:
Hellige nacht, alles schlaft, einsam wacht, nur das traute hochheilige paar…

THERE IS A WRONG NOTE FROM THE ORGAN. HERR LIPP LOOKS UP AND SEES LOTTE PLAYING IT. HE GIVES HER A LOOK. SHE SMILES BACK AT HIM.

Holder knab im lockigen haar, schlaf in himmlischer ruh…

A YOUNG MATTHEW PARKER ENTERS THE CHURCH, WITH A SATCHEL OVER HIS SHOULDER. HE APPROACHES THE CHOIR.

Schlaf in himmlischer…

THE CHOIR STOPS AS THEY SEE MATTHEW WALK UP TO HERR LIPP.

MATTHEW:
Herr Lipp?

HERR LIPP:
Ja, das stimmt. Ah! You must be the boy from England, nein?

HE WALKS UP TO MATTHEW.

MATTHEW:
Matthew Parker.

HERR LIPP:
Matthew, genau so. Here, let me hold your sack.

HE TAKES MATTHEW’S BAG FROM HIM. HE FEELS HIS HAND.

Oh, you are so kalt. You have goosesteps all over! Come, meet your boyfriends!

HE LEADS MATTHEW OVER TO THE CHOIR.

Everybody, this is Matthew Parker. Matthew Parker, this is…everybody!

MATTHEW:
Hi!

HERR LIPP:
Matthew is going to be singing some traditional English Christmas karens in our little concertina. Nicht wahr?

MATTHEW:
“O Come All Ye Faithful”?

HERR LIPP:
Genau so…Come In My…Face Full. That sounds like a real good treat, hmm! OK, boys – Die Probe ist jetzt fertig. Konnt euch umsehen.

HE CLAPS HIS HANDS AND THE CHOIR DISPERSES.

Aber leise, bitte – leise!
(TO MATTHEW)

Huh…boys! Some of the older ones can be quite a mouthful. Come, let me show you about.

HE LEADS MATTHEW DOWN THE AISLE OF THE CHURCH.

As you may know, Matthew, the Duisberg Boys Choir is really quite famous as all of the boys are awfuls, like yourself.

MATTHEW:
Awful?

HERR LIPP:
Nein! Sie sind Waisen…they have no Mutti and no Vater.

MATTHEW
Oh, orphans?

HERR LIPP:
Orphans, ja. Also orphans. I can be so-pathetic to you because I also have no Vater. I understand that when you are Vaterless, you allow things to bubble up inside you.

MATTHEW STARTS SNIGGERING.

In so fact, I think some of the boys look upon me as a Vater.

MATTHEW:
Ha, really?

HERR LIPP:
Ja. I was very lucky, I had a good Vater.

MATTHEW SNIGGERS WHENEVER HERR LIPP MENTIONS THE WORD ‘VATER’.

A real strong Vater…he was a quiet Vater, but his effects on me were devastating.

HERR LIPP NOTICES MATTHEW IS LAUGHING AND FLIRTS WITH HIM.

What? My Vater makes you laugh? Vater. The sins of the Vater are also in the son…

HE MOVES IN, BUT STANDING BEHIND A PILLAR IS LOTTE, HIS WIFE.

LOTTE:
Wolf! Es macht spass!

HERR LIPP:
Ah…Matthew, this is Lotte. She is my wife.

LOTTE:
Ha! Aber nicht ins Bett!

SHE EXITS.

MATTHEW:
What did she say?

HERR LIPP:
Um…that you are welcome. Come!

THEY BOTH EXIT.
SCENE 34. EXT. DRIVEWAY. NIGHT.

HERR LIPP DRIVES HIS CAR INTO THE DRIVEWAY.

HERR LIPP (V.O):
Here we are – home sweet home! Now, Matthew, tomorrow, Lotte will finger your hymn on the organ, but I wish to conduct you myself…

SCENE 35. INT. HERR LIPP’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

HERR LIPP APPEARS AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS, MAKING A VERY NOSFERATU-LIKE SHADOW ON THE WALL. HE POINTS UPSTAIRS, THEN ASCENDS THEM. MATTHEW HURRIES AFTER HIM.

HERR LIPP:
If you’d like to follow me up the stairs, Matthew, we have gifted you your own room, naturlich.

HE CROSSES THE LANDING AND OPENS A DOOR.

I hope you will find everything to your comfort.

HE STAYS IN PLACE AS MATTHEW IS FORCED TO SQUEEZE UP AGAINST HIM TO ENTER THE ROOM. HERR LIPP ENTERS AFTER HIM AND CLOSES THE DOOR. THE ROOM IS DECORATED LIKE A TODDLER’S NURSERY MIGHT BE.

Lotte always wished for kinder of her own, but alas, we were not blessed. I say to her that she should just take pleasure from the boys as I do, but…she doesn’t see things that way.

MATTHEW:
Oh…well, it’s um…it’s very cosy.

HERR LIPP:
Danke schon! Now then, there is a blue towel in the bathroom for you to wipe yourself…

MATTHEW SITS DOWN IN A CHILDREN’S CHAIR AND GETS STUCK. HE MANAGES TO FREE HIMSELF JUST AS HERR LIPP FINISHES SPEAKING.

As you know, tomorrow is Christmastag. We will meet in the morning for worship and you can spend the afternoon creaming off with the other boys. Alles klar?

MATTHEW:
Oh yes, that sounds great.

HERR LIPP:
Alles klar…

HE CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

Well, sleep tight. Don’t let the bugger bite you – tschuss!

HE EXITS. MATTHEW SHUDDERS.

MATTHEW:
Weird…

HE STARTS TO GET UNDRESSED. OUTSIDE THE ROOM, HERR LIPP CROSSES TO A PAINTING ON THE WALL. HE MOVES IT, PULLS SOME PAPER FROM A HOLE AND PEERS IN, WATCHING MATTHEW GET UNDRESSED TO HIS UNDERWEAR. MATTHEW TURNS OUT THE LIGHT AND GOES TO BED.

HERR LIPP REPLACES THE PAPER AND THE PAINTING, THEN PRESSES HIS BAG TO HIS GROIN TO COVER HIS ERECTION.

SCENE 36. INT. MATTHEW’S ROOM. NIGHT.

MATTHEW LIES IN BED.

HERR LIPP (V.O):
Matthew?

MATTHEW’S EYES OPEN, AND HE SEES THE WINDOW IS WIDE OPEN AND A GALE BLOWING IN. BEFORE HE CAN SHUT THE WINDOW, HE SEES A ROCKING HORSE IS SWAYING MADLY. HE HALTS IT.

HERR LIPP (V.O):
This is for you, Matthew.

MATTHEW LOOKS DOWN AND SEES HE IS HOLDING A KEY. HE CROSSES TO THE WARDROBE AND UNLOCKS IT. OPENING THE DOOR, HE SEES HIMSELF AS A CORPSE, WHICH FALLS OUT THE WARDROBE ONTO THE FLOOR. MATTHEW SCREAMS IN TERROR. LOOKING BEHIND HIM, HE SEES HERR LIPP PINNED TO THE CEILING, LOOKING LIKE A VAMPIRE.

HERR LIPP:
I’m sorry about that, Matthew!

HERR LIPP DROPS ON TOP OF MATTHEW.

SCENE 37. INT. MATTHEW’S ROOM. MORNING.

MATTHEW AWAKENS FROM HIS NIGHTMARE WITH A START. LOTTE IS PEERING AT HIM.

LOTTE:
Fruhstuck!

SHE CROSSES TO THE WINDOW AND OPENS IT.

MATTHEW:
Danke schon.

LOTTE:
Du hast zwanzig minuten.

SHE TAPS HER WATCH.

Zwanzig minuten?

SHE EXITS.

MATTHEW:
Merry Christmas to you, too.

HE LIFTS THE LID OF A TRAY LEFT NEXT TO HIS BED, REVEALING SOME BOILED EGGS AND GERMAN SAUSAGE.HE GROANS AND REPLACES THE LID.

SCENE 38. INT. CHURCH. MORNING.

THE CHOIR SING HALF HEARTEDLY, NOT REALLY OPENING THEIR MOUTHS. MATTHEW IS THE ONLY ONE WHO SINGS WITH SOME VIGOUR. HERR LIPP CONDUCTS THEM.

CHOIR:
O Come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, o come ye, o come ye, to Bethlehem.

HERR LIPP:
Louder, Matthew!

HE SINGS LOUDER.

CHOIR:
Come and behold him…

ALL THROUGH THE NEXT VERSE THE CHOIRBOYS POINT AT MATTHEW’S NECK AND SNIGGER. MATTHEW HAS TWO TEETH MARKS ON HIS NECK.

Born the king of angels, o come let us adore him, o come let us adore him…o come let us adore him, Christ the Lord.

HERR LIPP LOOKS CONCERNED AT THE LACK OF SINGING FROM THE CHOIR.

SCENE 39. INT. HERR LIPP’S HOUSE. DAY.

THERE IS A PARTY IN FULL SWING. HERR LIPP LETS OFF PARTY POPPERS AND RUNS AROUND AFTER THE BOYS, CHASING THEM. LOTTE LOOKS ON IN DISGUST FROM THE KITCHEN.

HERR LIPP:
Andreas! Ah, I’m going to get you! I’m going to get you! Oh, Klaus, frohliche Weihnachten!

A BOY GIVES HIM SOMETHING FROM INSIDE A CRACKER.

Ah, what do we have here? Oh schon, some earrings! Just my colour, ja?

HE COLLAPSES, LAUGHING, ON THE SOFA.

SCENE 40. INT. BATHROOM. DAY.

MATTHEW CHECKS HIS BITE MARKS IN THE MIRROR, WHICH ARE NOW WORSE THAN WHEN WE LAST SAW THEM. HE DESCENDS THE STAIRS, AND SEES HERR LIPP THROUGH A CRACK IN THE DOOR. HE SITS, WEARING HIS EARRINGS, DRINKING FROM A GLASS MADLY, SPILLING HALF OF IT DOWN HIS SHIRT. HE WIPES HIS MOUTH. MATTHEW LOOKS VERY SCARED AND TOUCHES HIS BITE MARKS.

SCENE 41. INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

LOTTE IS CHOPPING SAUSAGES ON THE WORKTOP. MATTHEW ENTERS. HE SEES HER NIPPLES POKING THROUGH HER TOP AND HE RAISES AN EYEBROW.

MATTHEW:
Frau Lipp? Can I ask you a question?

SHE LOOKS AT HIM, THEN RETURNS TO HER CHOPPING.

You know your husband…well, obviously you know your husband, but…um, I was wondering, is he a vampire?
LOTTE DROPS HER KNIFE.

LOTTE:
Es tut mir leid…ich spreche kein Englisch.

LOTTE TALKS OVER MATTHEW IN GERMAN AS HE SPEAKS.

MATTHEW:
It’s just he’s bitten me once, and I think those boys in there might be in danger! You know, blood? Fangs?

LOTTE:
You’re welcome.

SHE PUTS A HAND TO HER MOUTH AS SHE REALISES HER MISTAKE.

MATTHEW:
So you do understand me!

SHE REACHES OUT AND TOUCHES HIS FACE.

LOTTE:
Leave…Duisberg…tonight.

MATTHEW:
So I’m right, then. He is one!

LOTTE:
Ich spreche kein Englisch, es tut mir leid!

SHE RUNS TO THE CORNER, SOBBING. MATTHEW TOUCHES HIS WOUND AGAIN, THEN RUNS OUT.

SCENE 42. MATTHEW’S ROOM. NIGHT.

MATTHEW HAS MADE A CRUCIFIX OUT OF A TOOTHBRUSH WITH AN EAR BUD TAPED ACROSS IT. HE SEES A SHADOW UNDERNEATH HIS DOOR.

HERR LIPP (V.O):
Guten abend, Klaus! Guten abend, Andreas! Schlaf gut! Don’t let the bugger bite you! Tschuss!

MATTHEW TAKES SOME GARLIC PILLS OUT AND EATS SOME. THERE IS A KNOCK AT HIS DOOR. HE CRAMS MORE TABLETS DOWN HIS THROAT.

MATTHEW:
Who is it?

HERR LIPP OPENS THE DOOR AND POKES HIS HEAD IN. HE HAS A PARTY HAT ON, THE EARRINGS, AND A JAPANESE STYLE DRESSING GOWN.

HERR LIPP:
Oh good. You are still erect.

HE ENTERS. HE CARRIES A PACKAGE.

I was petrified you would be asleep. I thought I would just creep in and give this to you. It is your Christmas present.

HE WALKS OVER TO THE BED AND GIVES MATTHEW THE PRESENT.
MATTHEW:
Thank you.

HERR LIPP:
The paper is a little lousy, but I hope you understand that sometimes the inside of something can be beautiful, even if the packaging isn’t…well, isn’t!

MATTHEW OPENS THE PRESENT AND FINDS IT IS A BOTTLE OF AFTERSHAVE.

MATTHEW:
Oh! Great, thanks.

HERR LIPP:
Well it’s perfume…perfume’s perfume! So…

HE OPENS HIS DRESSING GOWN AND GIVES MATTHEW A FLASH OF HIS BODY. HE WRAPS THE GOWN MORE TIGHTLY AROUND HIM.

Ooh…it’s kalt!

HE SITS DOWN BUT SPRINGS UP AGAIN.

Ooh! I have squished your mouth brush!

HE PICKS UP THE CRUSHED CRUCIFIX.

You must forgive me, I’m a little whoopsie!

HE SITS DOWN AGAIN.

I don’t know what you can be doing with this in your bed! I like you, Matthew. You are so much nicer than all the other queer boys.

MATTHEW:
Sorry?

HERR LIPP:
The other boys who sing in the queer?

MATTHEW:
Oh…them.

HERR LIPP:
Ja. You have something special…do you have any German in you?

MATTHEW:
No.

HERR LIPP:
Would you like some? Hmm!

HE TAPS THE TOOTHBRUSH ON MATTHEW’S SHOULDER, PLAYFULLY. MATTHEW SQUIRMS. IN DESPERATION, MATTHEW BREATHES ON HIS FACE. HERR LIPP RECOILS. MATTHEW BREATHS ON HIM AGAIN.

Oh, Matthew! I think one of us has made a trump! Here, let us cover the stink with some after-shame. Some for me…

HE SPLASHES SOME OF THE AFTERSHAVE ONTO HIS FINGER AND RUBS IT ON HIS NECK.
And some for du…

HE PUTS SOME MORE ON HIS FINGER AND APPROACHES MATTHEW. MATTHEW SLAPS HIS HAND AWAY AND LEAPS OUT THE BED.

MATTHEW:
No! Get away from me!

HE HIDES IN THE CORNER, GRABBING A CUDDLY TOY TO COVER HIS GROIN.

I know what you are! Get out!

HERR LIPP REPLACES THE CAP ON THE AFTERSHAVE. HE TRIES NOT TO CRY. HE WALKS TO THE DOOR.

HERR LIPP:
The absence of love is the most abject pain…

MATTHEW:
Leave me alone…

HERR LIPP:
I will try.

HE EXITS.

SCENE 43. INT. MATTHEW’S ROOM. MORNING.

MATTHEW SITS ON HIS BED, HIS BITE MARKS NOW LOOKING WORSE THAN EVER.

HERR LIPP (V.O):
I don’t think Matthew will be joining us for rehearsals…I think perhaps he had too much to drink yesterday! Hmm? No, I don’t drink…wine.

MATTHEW GOES TO THE WINDOW, AND SEES LOTTE DRIVING AWAY IN A VAN.

MATTHEW:
Frau Lipp! Help!

THE DOOR OF THE WARDROBE CREAKS OPEN. MATTHEW CROSSES TO IT AND FLINGS THE DOORS WIDE OPEN. INSIDE IS A COFFIN. MATTHEW ROLLS HIS EYES THEN SMASHES IT TO PIECES. HE DOES THE SAME TO A SMALL CHILDREN’S CHAIR. HE PICKS UP A SPLINTERED PIECE OF WOOD AND A HAMMER. HE PRACTISES HAMMERING THE PIECE OF WOOD, BUT SEES IT IS A TOY RUBBER HAMMER. HE FLINGS IT AWAY IN DESPAIR. IN THE BATHROOM, HE TAKES THE MIRROR DOWN AND TAKES IT WITH HIM. DOWNSTAIRS, HE EMPTIES A TOOL DRAW AND FINDS A REAL HAMMER. IN THE KITCHEN, HE TAKES A SAUCEPAN.

SCENE 44. INT. CHURCH. DAY.

HERR LIPP IS CONDUCTING MORE CHOIR REHEARSALS.

CHOIR:
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum…

MATTHEW STORMS DOWN THE AISLE AND STOPS BEHIND HERR LIPP WITH THE ITEMS HE HAS GATHERED.

MATTHEW:
Herr Lipp!
HERR LIPPS TURNS ROUND, INDICATING FOR THE CHOIR TO CARRY ON.

HERR LIPP:
Carry on, boys, carry on…Matthew? Are you alright? Your colour is very hectic.

MATTHEW:
Stay back!

HE DIPS THE SAUCEPAN IN A FONT OF HOLY WATER, SPLASHING HERR LIPP WITH IT.

HERR LIPP:
Oh! You have splashed all over me!

MATTHEW:
I know what you are! I know what you’re doing, but I won’t let you, do you hear me! I don’t want to become one of you!

HERR LIPP:
Please Matthew, not in front of the boys…

MATTHEW:
Look what you did to me!

HE SHOWS HIM HIS BITE MARKS THAT ARE NOW BLEEDING.

HERR LIPP:
No! I would never suck on a first date!

MATTHEW:
You’re a vampire!

HERR LIPP:
What…?

MATTHEW:
You’re a vampire, and I’m going to prove it to everyone!

HE HOLDS THE MIRROR IN FRONT OF HIM. IN THE MIRROR, ALTHOUGH WE SEE HERR LIPP’S REFLECTION, WE DO NOT SEE THE ENTIRE CHOIR IN THE MIRROR. HERR LIPP NOTICES THIS AND LOOKS ROUND. EVERY SINGLE CHOIRBOY HAS FANGS. HERR LIPP AND MATTHEW BACK AWAY FROM THEM.

HERR LIPP:
Lotte? Was passiert?

LOTTE LOOKS DOWN AT HIM FROM THE ORGAN ON THE BALCONY. THE CHOIR STOP SINGING.

LOTTE:
You could never give me boys, Wolf! So I had to provide my own…

SHE LEAPS UP AND RIPS HER WIG OFF, REVEALING HER BALD HEAD AND EVIL LOOKING FANGS. SHE HISSES AT HERR LIPP AND MATTHEW.

HERR LIPP:
Nein!

LOTTE:
OK, boys. This is no longer a rehearsal…enjoy this performance, Wolf! It will be your last!

SHE LAUGHS EVILLY. THE CHOIRBOYS, NOW VAMPIRES, ADVANCE ON HERR LIPP AND MATTHEW. THEY BEGIN TO RUN AWAY.

MATTHEW:
I’m so sorry!

HERR LIPP:
Go, Matthew! Save yourself!

THEY PAUSE AT THE END OF THE AISLE. MATTHEW HOLDS UP HIS MAKESHIFT STAKE.

MATTHEW:
I was going to stick this into you!

HERR LIPP GIVES A DELIGHTED EXPRESSION AT THIS NEWS, BEFORE HE NOTICES THE VAMPIRES ALMOST UPON THEM.

HERR LIPP:
Oh!

MATTHEW:
I thought you were a vampire!

HERR LIPP:
No, Matthew!

MATTHEW RUNS OUT THE CHURCH. HERR LIPP SPREADS HIS ARMS OUT WIDE AS THE VAMPIRES REACH HIM.

I am just a queen!

THE VAMPIRES PILE ONTO HERR LIPP AND FORCE HIM TO THE FLOOR, EATING INTO HIM. HE SCREAMS. LOTTE LAUGHS.

SCENE 45. INT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

THE OLD MATTHEW STANDS WITH BERNICE.

BERNICE:
Is that it?

MATTHEW:
What?

BERNICE:
Well, you think you’re the only person that’s ever had a shit Christmas? You’ve no idea!

BERNICE HAS ANOTHER FLASHBACK TO WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT. SHE SCREAMS AS A FIGURE DRESSED AS SANTA CLAUS GRABS HER MOTHER BY THE FRONT DOOR AND RUNS OFF WITH HER.

I lost my mother at Christmas. Now if you don’t mind, I’d quite like to be alone.

MATTHEW:
Thank you very much, vicar, you’ve been most kind. I’ll show myself out.

MATTHEW EXITS. BERNICE WATCHES HIM LEAVE, THEN SEES A PICTURE OF SANTA PAINTED BY A CHILD. SHE TEARS IT DOWN. SHE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE, PUTTING CANDLES OUT, READY TO LEAVE FOR THE NIGHT, WHEN SHE SEES A BLOOD COVERED FACE AT THE WINDOW. SHE SHRIEKS AND DROPS HER CANDLE EXTINGUISHER.

BERNICE:
Now come on, Bernice. You’re not a kiddie now…

SHE WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR, WHERE SOMEONE FRANTICALLY BEATS ON IT. SHE OPENS IT AND DR. CHINNERY ENTERS, COVERED IN BLOOD AND FEATHERS.

DR CHINNERY:
Good evening…I wonder if I could trouble you for some hot water and towels?

BERNICE:
Mr Chinnery!

DR CHINNERY STARTS TO SOB.

What happened to you?

DR CHINNERY:
Mrs Godley’s canary. An ulcerated supercilium. It should have been so simple!

HE BREAKS DOWN.

BERNICE:
Oh, what’s the matter, my son?

DR CHINNERY:
I must tell someone or I’ll go mad!

BERNICE:
Oh God, it’s getting like bloody Jackanory in here! Carry on…

DR CHINNERY:
Tell me, Reverend. Do you believe a man…can be cursed?

THERE IS A PAUSE.

BERNICE:
Have you met Barbara?

DR CHINNERY:
Yes. You know, there was a time when the name of Chinnery was synonymous with excellence in veterinary practise. In fact, they said that my great grandfather was the foremost in his field…

SCENE 46. INT. VETERINARY EXHIBITION. DAY.

TITLE CARD: LONDON, 1895.
DR EDMUND CHINNERY PERFORMS PUBLIC VETERINARY SURGERY ON A RABBIT. PEOPLE SIT IN AN AUDITORIUM WATCHING HIM SEWING THE CREATURE UP.
THERE IS AN AIR OF TENSION, PEOPLE’S EYES RIVETED TO THE SIGHT BEFORE THEM. A MAN IN THE CROWD SNAPS SOMETHING, AND ALL EYES FLICK TO HIM.

MAN:
Sorry!

AN ELDERLY LADY SMILES AS EDMUND BRINGS THE RABBIT ROUND AND STROKES IT GENTLY.

EDMUND:
Come on, little fellow.

HE HOLDS THE NOW FULLY CONSCIOUS RABBIT UP, AND THE CROWD SIGH. HE HANDS IT TO THE ELDERLY LADY.

There we are, Mrs Trevethick. It was touch and go for a while, but I think he’ll pull through.

MRS TREVETHICK:
God bless you, veterinary. Everything they say of you is true. You’ve got a rare gift.

EDMUND:
I do my best.

MRS TREVETHICK:
A modern Saint Francis! Isn’t that right, Gladstone?

SHE KISSES THE RABBIT. THE CROWD LAUGHS.

Three cheers for Mr Chinnery! Prince of Vets!

THEY GIVE HIM THREE CHEERS AND APPLAUD HIM THOROUGHLY. A MENACING LOOKING MAN ENTERS THE BACK OF THE AUDITORIUM AND BECKONS EDMUND TO THE BACK. THIS IS DR. TIMOTHY MAJOLICA. EDMUND SEES HIM AND WALKS UP THE STAIRS TO TALK TO HIM.

MAJOLICA:
Report to my rooms at six o’clock.

EDMUND:
Dr Majolica…

MAJOLICA:
Six o’ clock, sir! And don’t be late!

HE EXITS. EDMUND TURNS AND SMILES AT THE PEOPLE STILL APPLAUDING.

SCENE 47. EXT. DR MAJOLICA’S ROOMS. DAY.

EDMUND WALKS UP TO THE FRONT DOOR AND RINGS THE BELL. A MAN DRESSED IN A LARGE BEAR OUTFIT, ASHDOWN, ANSWERS THE DOOR.

ASHDOWN:
Yes, sir?

EDMUND:
I’ve an appointment with Dr. Majolica.

HE HANDS ASHDOWN A CARD. ASHDOWN READS IT.

ASHDOWN:
This way, sir…

HE LEADS EDMUND INSIDE.

SCENE 48. INT. DR MAJOLICA’S ROOMS. DAY.

ASHDOWN WALKS TO THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS, WHERE MAJOLICA IS JUST DESCENDING.

ASHDOWN:
Dr Majolica will be with you presently, sir.

EDMUND:
Thank you.

ASHDOWN:
A Mr Chinnery to see you, sir.

MAJOLICA:
Hmm? Oh, yes.

ASHDOWN:
Will that be all, sir? Only it is my evening off.

MAJOLICA:
Absolutely. Run along, Ashdown. Fancy dress ball, is it?

ASHDOWN:
No, sir.

MAJOLICA MAKES A FACE AND WALKS OVER TO EDMUND. HE PICKS UP A BOOK AND ADDRESSES EDMUND.

MAJOLICA:
Sit down, as usual.

EDMUND:
I’m glad I’ve had this opportunity…

MAJOLICA SLAMS HIS BOOK SHUT.

MAJOLICA:
The fact is, it won’t do, Chinnery. It won’t do at all…

EDMUND:
I don’t follow you.

MAJOLICA:
Wasting your time on the mangy mongrels of the hoi polloi.

EDMUND:
I wouldn’t describe them as such.

MAJOLICA:
Hmm, wouldn’t you? A position has come up in a good, solid practice – Purblind, Boothby and Canker.

EDMUND:
But sir, I was intending to set up practise myself.

MAJOLICA:
I have some small acquaintance with the partners, and I’m prepared to put in a word for you.

HE HANDS EDMUND A DOCUMENT.
EDMUND:
Well, I…

MAJOLICA:
Splendid, you’ll leave tomorrow.

EDMUND:
I was hoping to spend Christmas with my family.

AS MAJOLICA SPEAKS, WE SEE ASHDOWN THE BEAR PROPOSITIONING A MAN IN THE STREET, MUCH LIKE A PROSTITUTE.

MAJOLICA:
I hardly need say, Chinnery, that we at the university would take a very dim view of any refusal…not to mention the matter of your fellowship.

WE SEE ASHDOWN WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH HIS CLIENT.

EDMUND:
Where is this practise, sir?

MAJOLICA:
It’s in the north country. A little place called Royston Vasey…

SCENE 49. EXT. RAILWAY. DAY.

THREE CHILDREN SIT ON THE BANK WAVING HANDKERCHIEFS AT A PASSING TRAIN AND CHEERING. A MAN ON BOARD WAVES AT THEM, THEN GIVES THEM A MOONEY. THE CHILDREN STOP CHEERING.

SCENE 50. EXT. ROYSTON VASEY TRAIN STATION. DAY.

EDMUND DEPARTS FROM THE TRAIN AND WALKS OUT THE STATION. HE PASSES A FILM POSTER ADVERTISING ‘THE DULL MONTY’.

SCENE 51. EXT. HIGH STREET. NIGHT.

EDMUND WALKS PAST A MISSION FOR FALLEN WOMEN, AND NARROWLY AVOIDS A WOMAN FALLING ON TOP OF HIM. SHE LANDS ON A PILE OF OTHER WOMEN. EDMUND WALKS ON, PAST A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HARVEY DENTON, SHAKING A COLLECTION TIN. HE PASSES THE LOCAL WORKHOUSE. A WOMAN (PAULINE) BUNDLES AN ORPHAN (MICKEY) OUT THE DOOR.

VICTORIAN PAULINE:
Get out of it, you workshy little urchin! I’m sick of the sight of you!

SHE THROWS THE ORPHAN DOWN ON THE ROAD.

What have I told you about crutches on that treadmill?

VICTORIAN MICKEY:
I cannot help it! I am but a poor cripple…

VICTORIAN PAULINE:
I’ll bloody cripple you!

SHE GOES TO KICK MICKEY, BUT IS STOPPED BY A MAN (VICTORIAN ROSS) WHO RUNS UP TO HER.

VICTORIAN ROSS:
Madam! What are you doing treating this poor lame boy in such a fashion? Think of the season!

VICTORIAN PAULINE:
Fine, he’s yours! And give me that quill back!

PAULINE SNATCHES A QUILL FROM MICKEY’S POCKET AND STORMS OFF.

VICTORIAN ROSS:
Come, little fellow. I shall carry you upon my shoulder, as St Christopher carried the Christ child.

MICKEY JUMPS ON ROSS’ BACK BUT HIS WEIGHT MAKES THEM BOTH COLLAPSE ON THE FLOOR.

SCENE 52. EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

EDMUND HAILS A HORSE AND CARRIAGE.

EDMUND:
Cab!

WE SEE THE CARRIAGE IS BEING DRIVEN BY BARBARA, DRESSED IN VICTORIAN CLOTHING.

BARBARA:
Aye, hop in.

EDMUND CLIMBS IN, AND BANGS THE ROOF TWICE TO INDICATE HE IS INSIDE.

Where to, guv?

EDMUND:
The veterinary surgery please, driver, and don’t spare the horses.

BARBARA:
Right-o!

THE CAB MOVES OFF.

Are you a doctor, sir?

EDMUND:
In a manner of speaking.

BARBARA:
Thing is, I’m a martyr to my monthlies.

EDMUND:
Beg pardon?

BARBARA:
My issue’s so heavy, it’s soaking my bustle! I disrobed last night, it was like the frigging Crimea!

EDMUND:
Yes, thank you.

HE TAPS THE ROOF AGAIN WITH HIS CANE.
SCENE 53. INT. PURBLIND, BOOTHBY AND CANKER SURGERY. NIGHT.

AN ELDERLY MAID SHOWS EDMUND IN.

MAID:
Mr Boothby will be with you presently, sir.

EDMUND:
Thank you.

MAID:
If I may be so bold, sir.

EDMUND:
Yes, what is it?

MAID:
Watch out for your feet, sir.

SHE BEGINS TO CRY.

He doesn’t give them a moment’s thought! Oh, dear…

SHE EXITS.

Oh, what a life!

EDMUND WATCHES HER GO WITH RAISED EYEBROWS. WE HEAR A BICYCLE BELL FROM OUTSIDE, THEN MR BOOTHBY CRASHES INTO THE HALLWAY ON A BIKE. EDMUND LEAPS OUT THE WAY INTO A STUDY. BOOTHBY FOLLOWS.

BOOTHBY:
Ah, Chinnery! Heard a lot about you!

EDMUND:
Mr Boothby?

BOOTHBY KNOCKS OVER A POT PLANT AS HE CYCLES ROUND THE ROOM, NOW CHASING EDMUND ROUND THE STUDY.

BOOTHBY:
That’s me! Singleton Boothby. Have you eaten?

EDMUND:
I managed to get something earlier.

BOOTHBY:
I could cycle down and get you something?

EDMUND:
No, no, don’t go to any trouble!

BOOTHBY:
Good journey?

EDMUND:
Er, passable. Rather long!

BOOTHBY:
Quicker to cycle, I say!
EDMUND:
Well…

BOOTHBY:
Mark me, Chinnery! In twenty years time, the bicycle will be the principle method of transport from city to city. Gigantic velocipedes will transport ten people at a time! Think of it, man!

EDMUND:
But surely the locomotive already…

BOOTHBY:
Nonsense!

EDMUND:
But the railway system…there is already a network…

BOOTHBY SINGS TUNELESSLY TO DROWN EDMUND OUT. HE CRASHES THE BICYCLE INTO HIS DESK, THEN JUMPS UP AGAIN.

BOOTHBY:
Now then, lad.

HE INDICATES FOR HIM TO SIT DOWN.

Old Majolica sings your praises and that’s good enough for me. I can offer you a hundred a year, food, lodgings and unlimited use of a bicycle. What do you say?

EDMUND:
I’d be delighted.

BOOTHBY:
Capital! I think we’ll get along well.

HE HOLDS HIS HAND OUT. EDMUND GOES TO SHAKE IT BUT BOOTHBY PULLS IT BACK AT THE LAST SECOND.

There is only one other matter…my senior partner, Mr Purblind, is an invalid. He occupies the last room on the third floor. He never stirs from his bed from dawn till dusk…save to go for a wee.

EDMUND:
You wish me to visit him?

BOOTHBY:
On no account!

HE BANGS THE DESK, CAUSING A QUILL AND POT OF INK TO SLIDE ACROSS IT.

Mr Purblind is a very sick man.

BOOTHBY HALTS THE PROGRESS OF THE INK POT.

The slightest disturbance is abhorrent to him. Do you hear me?

EDMUND:
Yes, sir.

THE POT OF INK BEGINS TO SLIDE TOWARDS THE EDGE OF THE DESK AGAIN.

BOOTHBY:
All my doors are open to you, Chinnery. Except the ones that are closed.

THE INK POT SLIDES OFF THE DESK AND SHATTERS.

SCENE 54. INT. EDMUND’S ROOM. NIGHT.

EDMUND LIES IN BED. WE HEAR A RHYTHMIC CLANKING SOUND AND BANGING. A WOMAN SCREAMS, AND EDMUND SITS UP IN BED.

BOOTHBY (V.O):
Sorry! Goodnight, Mrs Huxtable.

EDMUND LIGHTS A CANDLE. WE HEAR A FAINT MOANING FROM OUTSIDE. EDMUND WALKS SLOWLY ALONG THE HALL, AND COMES TO A DOOR. THE MOANING IS COMING FROM INSIDE. HE OPENS THE DOOR, AND SEES AN OLD MAN ROCKING IN A CHAIR AND WAILING.

EDMUND:
Mr Purblind?

MAN:
Next door!

EDMUND:
Oh…sorry.

MAN:
That’s alright.

EDMUND WALKS AWAY AND THE MAN CONTINUES WAILING.

SCENE 55. INT. MR PURBLIND’S ROOM. NIGHT.

MR PURBLIND PLAYS WITH A LIGHT PROJECTOR AND SOME METAL SHAPES THAT HE HOLDS IN FRONT OF THE PROJECTOR, CASTING SILHOUETTES ONTO A SCREEN. A MAN IS WALKING UP A SET OF STAIRS. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

PURBLIND:
Yes?

EDMUND ENTERS.

EDMUND:
Mr Purblind?

PURBLIND:
I am Magnus Purblind. You must be the new boy?

EDMUND:
Edmund Chinnery, sir.

HE BLOWS OUT THE CANDLE.

PURBLIND:
Did they tell you you mustn’t come in here?

EDMUND:
Indeed they did, sir. But I heard noises I took to be the sound of you in some distress.

EDMUND WALKS OVER AND SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED.

PURBLIND:
Distress? I am accursed!

EDMUND:
Sir?

PURBLIND:
You wouldn’t think to look at me now, Chinnery, but once I was a young and handsome fellow.

EDMUND:
When?

PURBLIND:
A long time ago…

EDMUND:
Well, we all have to get old!

PURBLIND:
I’m trying to say that I am old beyond my years! My life has been blighted, twisted out of shape…by the forces of darkness.

EDMUND:
I see.

PURBLIND:
Once, I was Chief Veterinary Surgeon in the Indian province of Karrit Poor…I was respected…loved, even.

HE HOLDS THE SHAPE OF AN ELEPHANT UP TO THE PROJECTOR AS IF ILLUSTRATING HIS STORY. EDMUND WATCHES, ENTERTAINED.

The Maharajah of Karrit Poor had a favourite pet – a little monkey named Topov. Topov was known to be a cheeky monkey who enjoyed the simulation of coitus with anything that came to hand.

HE HOLDS UP THE ELEPHANT SHAPE AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A MONKEY FRANTICALLY HAVING SEX WITH IT. EDMUND RAISES AN EYEBROW.

And on that fateful day…I received a call.

PURBLIND GRABS EDMUND’S HANDS.

Oh, woe! Woe! The little monkey Topov was suffering a delicate condition.

HE INDICATES THE MONKEY ON THE PROJECTOR, NOW FIRMLY EMBEDDED IN THE ELEPHANT.

EDMUND:
And what was your prognosis?

PURBLIND:
I assured the anxious Maharajah that the little fellow’s “little fellow” could be freed by the simple application of ordinary Vaseline. I reached into my bag for the jar and spatula, and applied a smear of the substance to the root of the monkey’s genital cluster. But what was the cloud issuing from the monkey’s hips?

HE HOLDS UP THE MONKEY AND ELEPHANT SHAPES, AND WE SEE A PUFF OF SMOKE COMING FROM THE MONKEY’S GENITALS. HE DROPS THE SHAPES AND REPLACES THEM WITH THE SHAPE OF A BOTTLE THAT READS ‘HULLENS FULL STRENGTH BOVINE VERRUCA ACID’.

EDMUND (V.O):
Verruca acid?!

PURBLIND:
I was…fucked!

HE HOLDS UP A SHAPE OF AN INDIAN MAN IN A LONG ROBE.

EDMUND (V.O):
The Maharajah!

PURBLIND:
Never, never have I seen such a look on a human face! Sometimes on cows and once on a gorilla, but this…The Maharajah vowed vengeance. He picked up Topov’s steaming jewels, and holding them aloft, called upon his Gods!

HE LIFTS HIS BEARD AND REVEALS THAT HE HAS BEEN FORCED TO WEAR THE MONKEY’S TESTICLES AROUND HIS NECK.

EDMUND:
Topov’s parts!

PURBLIND:
Touch them…

EDMUND:
What?

PURBLIND:
Touch them and see!

HE OFFERS THEM FOR EDMUND TO TOUCH.

EDMUND:
No…no, I…I mustn’t!

PURBLIND:
Feel them! Feel the knackers!

AS IF POSSESSED, EDMUND REACHES OUT SLOWLY AND THEN GRABS THE TESTICLES. PURBLIND LAUGHS AND THROWS HIS ARMS ALOFT.

I’m free! I’m free at last!

EDMUND:
Free? Free to do what?

PURBLIND:
Free to practise veterinary medicine! Free…to give a gerbil an enema.

EDMUND:
I don’t understand!

THE DOOR CRASHES OPEN AND BOOTHBY ENTERS ON HIS BICYCLE. HE SMASHES A VASE.

BOOTHBY:
Sorry! Is it over, Magnus? Is the curse lifted?

EDMUND:
Curse? What curse?

PURBLIND:
The Maharajah’s curse! That any animal I touched would meet a dreadful end! A vile and terrible curse!

BOOTHBY:
And to be honest, absolute professional death for a vet.

PURBLIND:
That’s true…

EDMUND:
Oh, tommyrot! I don’t know what you mean by luring me here!

PURBLIND:
For years we’ve been waiting.

DR MAJOLICA ENTERS THE BEDROOM.

MAJOLICA:
Then I encountered you, Chinnery…

EDMUND NOW REALISES HE HAS BEEN SET UP.

EDMUND:
Majolica…

MAJOLICA:
Or as my colleagues here know me – the silent partner in the firm of Purblind, Boothby and Canker.

EDMUND:
I am a man of science, sir. As I took you to be! I refuse to accept this cheap mummery!

MAJOLICA:
But YOU have lifted the curse! You have taken it upon yourself…another vet has touched the monkey’s bollocks. And now you and all your descendants shall suffer the curse of Karrit Poor!

THERE IS A CRACK OF THUNDER.

PURBLIND:
And I can move to Harrogate…

PURBLIND, BOOTHBY AND MAJOLICA START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. EDMUND RUNS OUT.
SCENE 56. INT. EDMUND CHINNERY’S SURGERY. DAY.

A QUEUE OF CUSTOMERS WAIT WITH THEIR ANIMALS. AN OVERHEAD FAN ROTATES ABOVE THEM. MRS TREVETHICK ENTERS THE SURGERY ROOM WITH HER RABBIT, GLADSTONE. EDMUND IS SAT AT A DESK, WRITING.

EDMUND:
Ah, Mrs Trevethick. Just bear with me one moment.

MRS TREVETHICK:
I heard things didn’t work out for you up North, sir? I am sorry.

EDMUND SIGHS, THEN CHEERS UP.

EDMUND:
Not to worry, Mrs T. Plenty to occupy me down here, like little Gladstone, for instance. I couldn’t leave him behind, could I?

HE WALKS OVER TO LOOK AT THE RABBIT.

MRS TREVETHICK:
I’m afraid he’s a bit under the weather again, sir.

HE TAKES THE RABBIT FROM HER.

EDMUND:
Oh…please, take a seat. Ah…hello! It’s a rather nasty eye infection, I’m afraid…

MRS TREVETHICK:
Good Heavens!

EDMUND:
You can see how both ocular orbits have been occluded by a build up of purulent matter. Quite a bit of pressure behind Gladstone’s eyes.

MRS TREVETHICK:
What are we to do?

EDMUND:
Oh, it’s the work of moments…a small surgical tap should do the trick.

HE PUTS THE RABBIT ON THE TABLE AND PICKS UP A LONG NEEDLE AND A MALLET.

Just have to find the optimum point…just around…here.

HE TAPS THE NEEDLE INTO THE BACK OF THE RABBIT’S HEAD. BOTH THE EYES FLY OUT OF IT’S HEAD AND INTO THE WAITING ROOM, WHERE THEY HIT A PARROT, CAUSING IT TO FLY OFF IN ALARM. IT FLIES STRAIGHT INTO THE OVERHEAD FAN, AND BLOOD AND ENTRAILS SPLATTER DOWN ONTO THE WAITING CUSTOMERS. A DOG RUNS OFF INTO THE STREET. EDMUND RUNS INTO THE CORRIDOR TO SEE WHAT HAS HAPPENED. FROM OUTSIDE, WE HEAR HORSES WHINNYING AND GLASS SMASHING. ONE OF THE CUSTOMERS HOLDS THE HEAD THAT HAS BEEN RIPPED OFF HIS PARROT. EDMUND ENTERS THE SURGERY ROOM AGAIN, AND A ZEBRA’S SEVERED HEAD FLIES IN THROUGH THE WINDOW. EDMUND CATCHES IT AND LOOKS AT IT IN AMAZEMENT. HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND SEES A PASSING CIRCUS HAS BEEN ANNIHILATED – A LION LIES DEAD ON IT’S UPTURNED CAGE, A CAT HAS BEEN CAUGHT IN THE SPOKES OF A CARRIAGE AND AN ELEPHANT LIES ON IT’S SIDE, QUITE DEAD. CIRCUS PERFORMERS RUN AROUND IN CHAOS, WEEPING.

EDMUND:
Oh dear, oh dear…

MRS TREVETHICK GIVES HIM A STONY LOOK. SLOWLY, HE LOOKS AT THE ZEBRA’S HEAD AND PATS IT.

SCENE 57. INT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

DR CHINNERY STANDS, FINISHING HIS STORY TO BERNICE.

DR CHINNERY:
He and all his descendants…don’t you see?

BERNICE:
Now listen, pet…

DR CHINNERY:
I’ve tried to avoid it. I gave it all up for a bit to work in a pub, but four drayman’s horses died on my first shift! It’s my destiny! I can’t escape it…

BERNICE:
Now listen! I’ve learned a lot of things tonight – about people, about myself, about the nature of fear! And it’s all up here…

SHE TAPS HER HEAD.

It’s all in your mind! Whatever’s happened in the past is over and done! It’s up to us all to face the future.

DR CHINNERY:
But the curse!

BERNICE:
There’s no such thing as a curse, lad! Now do you have any cases pending?

DR CHINNERY:
Well…there’s Mr Syke’s prize stallion. A testicular tension…

BERNICE:
Well get out there and unknot those nuts! You can do it!

DR CHINNERY SMILES.

DR CHINNERY:
Yes, you’re right! I can do it! Oh, thank you, Reverend!

HE KISSES BERNICE AND TAKES HIS SCARF FROM HER.

Merry Christmas!

HE WALKS OUT THE CHURCH.

BERNICE:
And a very Merry Christmas to you too!

BERNICE SMILES.

SCENE 58. EXT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

DR CHINNERY THROWS HIS SCARF AROUND HIS NECK AND WALKS OFF, A TOWER OF CONFIDENCE.

SCENE 59. INT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

BERNICE CHUCKLES TO HERSELF, NOW IN A GREAT MOOD. SHE PICKS UP THE PAINTING OF SANTA THAT SHE SCREWED UP EARLIER AND STRAIGHTENS IT OUT.

BERNICE:
Ho, ho, ho…Now, you know, I might get up early and be in here for the first carols.

SHE PINS THE PAINTING BACK UP.

And then I could put some sherry out for the bell ringers, that’d be nice! And, I know – the kiddies from St. Marks will be coming…

THE DOOR OPENS AND SOMEONE IN A SANTA CLAUS OUTFIT IS STANDING THERE.

Oh, thank the Lord! I was hoping to see you again! Hey, I’m sorry about the snowball before. I was in a bit of a mood, but I’m happy now!

WE DON’T SEE THE PERSON’S FACE, BUT HE SPEAKS FROM INSIDE THE HOOD OF THE COSTUME. FROM THE VOICE WE CAN TELL IT IS PAPA LAZAROU.

PAPA LAZAROU:
Hello, Dave?

BERNICE:
I’m sorry?

PAPA LAZAROU:
Is that Dave?

BERNICE:
Oh God!

PAPA LAZAROU ENTERS THE CHURCH AND PULLS DOWN THE BEARD OF HIS COSTUME.

PAPA LAZAROU:
Nice to see you again, Dave…all grown up!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY. BERNICE HAS A FLASHBACK AGAIN TO WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT, AND SEES HER MOTHER KIDNAPPED FROM THE FRONT DOOR BY THE PERSON DRESSED AS SANTA. THIS TIME THE PERSON HAS HIS HOOD DOWN, AND WE CAN TELL IT WAS PAPA LAZAROU WHO KIDNAPPED BERNICE’S MOTHER.
BACK IN THE CHURCH, PAPA LAZAROU SHRIEKS AND RUNS AFTER BERNICE. SHE EXITS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR, TRAPPING PAPA LAZAROU IN THE CHURCH.

SCENE 60. EXT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

BERNICE HAS A BAG THROWN OVER HER BY PAPA LAZAROU’S DWARVES, SIMBA, PEBBLE AND TIK-TIK, WHO ARE DRESSED AS ELVES. THEY THROW BERNICE ON THE BACK OF A SLEIGH PARKED OUTSIDE. PAPA LAZAROU WALKS OVER.

PEBBLE:
Throw her in!

PAPA LAZAROU GETS IN THE FRONT OF THE SLEIGH, AND THE DWARVES LEAP ON BERNICE, BEATING HER. PAPA LAZAROU PULLS DOWN HIS HOOD AND TURNS ROUND.

PAPA LAZAROU:
You’re my wife now!

HE CRACKS HIS REINS AND THE SLEIGH MOVES OFF INTO THE NIGHT.

END CREDITS.

PAPA LAZAROU:
Merry Christmas!